| 13 | Waking up
2020 Words
Paulina POV
My head is spinning even though I have not yet opened my eyes. I feel paralyzed, and just by lifting my index finger a little, my whole body aches from the action. No, it's not time to move yet. It's quiet around me except that it sounds like someone is browsing a magazine from time to time.
Fear begins to spread in the body when I realize that I may not be alone in the room, wherever it is somewhere. The last thing I remember is that someone lifted me after I wake up with my injuries; after that, it's completely empty inside my mind.
Someone clears his throat, and it makes me open my eyes with horror. Despite the pain, I quickly get up in bed, terrified of who is with me. Adrien rises hastily and walks up to me with a smile when he sees that I have woken up. Instead of being happy, I scream out of fear and throw myself off the bed to crawl into a corner along the wall.
He looks down at me in surprise and tries to understand what is wrong. When he sees at all the tears that run down my cheeks and understands that I'm afraid of him, his face falls. Deep down, I know he would never hurt me in any way. Now, though, it doesn't seem to mean anything.
"Paulina, it's me, Adrien. Don't you recognize me?" he asks with sadness.
"Please don't touch me. They touched me. They hurt me, and I will never be the same again." I chant that over and over again until my sobs are louder than my words.
Adrien sighs and picks up his phone. I hide my face in my knees and try to calm down, but nothing's happening. I'm hyperventilating and sob uncontrollably. My whole body is shaking, and I rock from side to side, without knowing what to do. I pick up some of the conversation Adrien is having on his phone.
"Hey, so Paulina just woke up and she's... f**k, she isn't alright. I don't know! She's scared to death of me! She won't let me near her, she's devastated, and I have no freaking idea of what I should do. Yes. Okay. When will you be back? I'll take them with me to our place. Alright, bye."
He hangs up and sits down at the bed, not daring to come any closer. I claw at my own skin and tug at my hair, feeling trapped. This is an anxiety attack, and this time, Adrien can't help me even though he wants to. I scream at the voices inside my mind to shut up and put my hands over my ears.
"Why is she screaming and crying?"
Somewhere along the way, Adrien left the room and is talking with someone. I don't care who it is right now; they can all go to hell, I'm already there. Nothing and no one means something to me right now. I'm filthy, and I'm doomed to be forever alone.
"I don't know! Why do you think I called? She's not letting me near her or touch her. She really doesn't look so good. It's a devastating sight... I'll go down and take them with me." I hear him answer, and then the door closes behind him.
Three pairs of footsteps move towards me, and the voices come back in my mind. 'Do you think that you can escape? You'll never get rid of me. A w***e like you should be used to be taken from all angles and in all your holes. No one is coming for you. You're a worthless slut and nothing else!'
"Paulina, please look at me." a familiar voice says.
I look up at Damien, and my eyes immediately closes again when more tears escape them. My head is leaning on the wall, and I just shake my head, not knowing what to do. I can't stop this! I'm freaking out for real, can't breathe. A sudden rage builds up inside me, which makes me rise with a loud hiss.
"You are the one responsible for this! This is all your f*****g fault!" I yell at him.
"What are you talking about, baby?" Damien asks and looks perplexed.
"We didn't hurt you, Paulina," Jaxon says beside Damien, Brody stands on the other side.
"This is your fault, Damien, and they will come after me again..." I sob.
"What?" neither one of them seems to understand.
I pick up my shirt at the hem, which someone put on my body and turn around to show them my back. There's no need for me to see it, because I know that the Ravellie brothers are trying to send a message. Gasps can be heard, and I release the sweater slowly. Every-f*****g-step I take hurt!
"Paulina, you shouldn't be up and walking. What you need to do is to calm the f**k down, okay?" Damien says and moves towards me.
By pure instinct, I slam my fist into his face and immediately regret it when the pain spreads in my knuckles. That might not have been the best decision I've made. I shake it violently, trying to ease the pain.
"f**k!" I scream. "What is your face made of? Steel?"
Jaxon and Brody are snickering while Damien is massaging his chin. Right now, there are two sides to me. One wants to hit him repeatedly until he gets to feel the same pain as me and the other who just wants to crawl up his lap never to let go again.
"Damn you, woman! How can those little fists hurt this much?" Damien exclaims.
"That's not going to be the only thing that hurts when I'm done with you," I growl at him.
"Damn, she's pissed..." Brody snickers at seems to find our quarrel amusing.
"And I have every goddamn right to be! Now, where's my babies?" I ask, suddenly feeling better, maybe I needed to get some frustration out.
"Mood swings, much?" Jaxon asks with a smirk.
"I have the right to! My whole body is looking like I decided to climb Mount Everest and failed..." I say and sit down on the bed with my head in my hands.
The bed dips beside me, and a muscular arm engulfs me slowly. I know it's Damien without looking, no man could ever give me this strong heartbeats, only him. The bedroom door closes, which leaves Damien and me alone.
"Why is this always happening to me? Am I such a horrible person?"
"No, baby. You aren't. Sometimes, is it them friendly and pure that gets to take the most s**t in life." he answers and caress my hair.
Tears flow down my cheeks again. I have a hard time swallowing what I've been through, so I have mood swings from hell right now. My mind hasn't had time to get used to and process what I've been through. I don't even know how long I've been home again. Wait a minute; this isn't my home. Why am I in Damien's apartment?
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening to me."
"You're processing," he says and kisses me on my temple; that's his signature affection towards me.
"When can I see the kids again? I miss them so much."
"I can get them here in an hour. But if they ask about your injuries, you fell down some stairs."
"Stairs, really? Couldn't you have come up with something more believable? Caleb won't believe it."
"We were desperate to make sure that they didn't get shocked when they saw you."
"Have they been here?"
"Yes, they saw you from the door the night we brought you here."
"Please, call whoever it is who has them and bring them here."
I'm buzzing with anticipation; my babies are going to be here any minute now. I've missed them and need to make sure that they're okay. The door bursts open and in comes all of them, including Damien's brothers and Adrien. When the children see me, they run up to me. I crunch down on the floor with my arms wide open and happy tears in my eyes.
"Mommy!" they yell in unison.
We have a tight group hug, and I sob with relief, glad to know that they're all alright—my babies, safe and sound. No one of us lets go. We're not ready yet. This is the longest we've ever been away from each other, not something we are used to. We break apart, and I look at them with tears.
"Hello my babies, I'm so happy to see you again."
"I've missed you, mommy!" Fiona says and hugs me again.
"We missed you too." the triplets say in unison.
"And I've missed you all so much."
"Are you going to marry daddy now?" Fiona suddenly asks, which makes Jaxon, Adrien, and Brody to laugh loudly while Damien facepalms.
"Um, I... You see... Hey, you know what? Mommy needs to speak with the grown up's; can you play for a little while?"
They nod and run away to wherever. I turn towards the men with a quirked eyebrow, and my arms folded over my chest. I stomp my foot, waiting for them to tell me what the hell that was.
"So, who of you fine gentlemen would like to tell me why my daughter thinks that I'm going to marry?" I ask.
"Fi asked Damien the other day if he wanted to marry you, and he said maybe, which she took as a yes." Brody laughs.
"How can you be so stupid and put such ideas inside our daughter's head?" I huff and smack Damien on the chest.
"It wasn't intentional! She threw a lot of answers at me, and I tried my best to answer them honestly. Unlike you."
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah, I talked to her yesterday, and she told me that you loved me once upon a time. That you told her that," Damien says with a playful smirk.
"I don't!" I exclaim and feel my cheeks warm up in embarrassment.
"Then why is Brianna telling me that you loved me?"
"She did not!"
"Oh yes, she did," he answers and wink at me.
"How am I supposed to know why she says that? Maybe she's playing matchmaker or something, what do I know." I say, and I know I'm gripping for straws right now.
"Are you telling me that both Brianna and our daughter are lying to me?" he asks and quirks his eyebrow again.
"Yes, they are."
"And why is that?"
"Because I didn't love you once upon a time, I never stopped, and I probably never will," I answer with a sigh and walk away.
Yes, I'm walking away. It was embarrassing enough to have that conversation in front of an audience, and I didn't catch myself before blurting out the truth. I have limits on how much embarrassment and 'emotional talk' I can take at once.
When I admit such a thing in front of him, I realize what I've been trying to deny myself for years. But it's the truth. I am and will remain in love with the mob boss Damien Winston. It doesn't matter how much we try to avoid it.
You can look like our relationship with a rubber band. The longer we pull each end apart, the harder we merge again when we lose grip on the end we held. I want to work through our problems, and I hope it works at all. But first of all, I need to work my trauma, because my little trauma box in my mind is obviously full.
- Writer
