Connectors of the Two Worlds

Chapter 4

It is almost exactly two years since my Mother's last visit. The last time I've seen her was when I had my 12th birthday, and it had turned out to be a whole lot of “pretend my parents were okay” scenes in front of me. Well, of course, I was so overwhelmed and happy, and almost forgot about the annulment and the child custody issues. Somehow, it made me forget about reality for a while, pretending to be happy and content with life.

They pretended-- as I've pretended-- that nothing really happened among the three of us. At that time, my custody was approved to be on Dad's side. It made me so alienated. I felt like a piece of toy being pulled on both ends in a tug of war and torn in two when they finally got their share. It scared me to the point that I don't even recognize my parents, especially my mother. She became just a person that took all the youth out of me. A person, so cruel emotionally. A selfish person. An emotion sadist.

As years pass by, I'm slowly realizing that I haven't acknowledged her standing in my life. I've learned how to ignore her presence. But even if I say that she had never been a mother, she is still biologically connected to me.

And that doesn't erase the fact no matter what I do...

Dear Diary,

I know you're tired of hearing me talking about Rex every day of your precious life and I'm getting tired, too, but I think this is not enough to ease the indifferent stupid feeling inside my chest. So, I think you might be okay if I'll call Marrianne tonight? I hope you won't mind.

-Clan

~~~

I hung up on the other line when I heard the same voice I can not even recognize at all. The lively tones of her made me feel so insecure about myself. I dialed that number involuntarily, I guess. I used to be calling her confidently, but right now, I feel like I’m being a sociopath. The crisp of her voice.

Yeah, the term sucks. The word "same" ain't such a friendly word after all. It still hurts when you put it in aliens, unfamiliarity, and the like. Quite a paradox. I wonder if people would feel the same way to people they used to love? They must be so awkward with the familiarity that lingered in their beings. They must have fought back those negativities and nightmares from their lives. They must be feeling this way, just like the way I am feeling right now.

I heaved a sigh, stared at the ceiling for a minute, and finally decided to go downstairs. I decided to open the television, skim through the available channels, and then sat on the old and dull dirty green sofa.

I was watching TV again, but nothing had caught my interest so most of the time I was just switching into different channels. Suddenly, a woman peeked at the door with her amused face.

"Are you hungry now? I'm so sorry, this might take a few minutes..." she apologized, but I just nodded and settled at this music channel, never answered a word.

I'm getting bored but how could I escape? I'll only give myself a dose of boredom if I go out, knowing that I never have tried hanging out with somebody else-- aside from Rex and Wednesday-- before.

Marrianne tried to look over me while simmering her dish in the kitchen, talking often about Phillip and Aurora. I just casually answer and ask back to erase the awkward atmosphere.

Marrianne did make it here inside the house. I asked her for the second time I called her number today. Well… I lied. I still needed her. Besides, I had no one to talk to about all the things that bothered my mind. Thankfully, she came and brought some foodstuff.

I thought that calling her up would be such an easy thing, but I was wrong. We have this very thick wall I build myself, unable to knock it down. We have been deprived of the emotions that we used to express before. I was used to being sweet towards her, asking her about her activities, and even talking to her about my school matters. But right now, I’m having difficulties in breaking those walls we’ve built from each other. I wanted to connect that quickly, but I don’t know where to start.

As we ate, I suddenly felt the more complex ambiance around. It must've been hard for the both of us to start a conversation. The truth is, I really had no idea why I ended up calling and inviting her in. Maybe because I had no one to talk to, even Dad, because I know he'll be so indifferent about girl's talk. He'd be doing the same thing I'm doing right now, I know. Because he knows Marrianne will be glad if I had finally decided to talk to her. But right now, I'm eating with a stranger, and it's sickly damn jittery. People around the neighborhood might say I’m being too bratty about not talking to my mom, but they had no idea where this barrier is coming from. I’m beginning to tremble a little. I even held my elbows and tried to calm myself.

"Mom..." I called. I saw her turned with this lightened face of hers. I could almost feel her, too. She’s happy. She’s waiting for me to open up. She’s waiting for me to come to her.

I was not really aware of why I started a talk. Probably, because I was trying to approach her. I don’t know what to say. But, I have to fight back this indifference that I’m feeling. I was about to open my mouth, but on the second thought, I pulled back again and just continued my meal.

I saw her smile a bit, almost a blink, and began to start a conversation. She started to ask about school, even reminisced about the things that we used to do when I was a kid.

For a very long time, since that annulment, I've called her "Mom" again. It felt a little awkward but a relief for I'm starting to admit that I have missed her very much. I wanted to admit that. I really missed my mom a lot.

"How's school? I heard from your Dad you're one of the Math Wizes for the Contest?" she asked, not looking at me. She went on with her meal and gave a little seriousness on her face. When I didn't respond, she managed to refill the half-empty pots on the table and headed to the kitchen counter.

"Yeah. But I haven't decided yet," I answered casually, not looking. I just stared at my plate.

She returned to her seat. "Are you afraid you might not get the first place? Oh, Angelica, whatever it is that bothers you, it's okay. I know it's hard for you to think of yourself in that contest but I know you'll be fine. You're brave, I know you are."

I smiled and started playing with the fork. "Umm... Do you still know Rex?" shoot! Wrong move, Clan.

"Of course! That kid..." she smiled, shaking her head in amusement at a memory. "He used to be so attached to you when you were just little kids. Are you still talking to him? I mean, now that you're adolescent and all, boys seem too indifferent when they're changing. I mean the hormones. You know..." She was starting to get a little nervous. I almost laughed but managed to smile, sudden wonder struck me at the thought.

It's funny when Rex and I grew up, we never felt that indifference before. Our growing hormones and puberty problems didn't quite detach us from our bond. But I guess it still occurred, just this time when I'm starting to feel the hurt. The hurt caused by falling for him so hard. I suddenly felt the sadness that succumbed to me.

"Why'd you ask?" she continued.

My thoughts had been cut because of that question. A glint of shock on my face came out. "N-nothing... Just forget it," I snapped. To my dismay, I seemed to feel ashamed of talking about him.

"Do you have feuds with him in the past, Angelica?"

"No! I mean-- that's not what I was going to ask but..." I trailed off, ran out of words. What can I tell her right now? That Rex and I are not talking because I felt bad that he's being heedless to my obvious feelings? That's creepy.

"J-just forget about it, Yan," I said resolutely, almost a whisper. I give up. It's no use confiding in a distant person you hardly know.

Marrianne finally sighed, desperation in her existence so strong she had wanted to bulldoze my wall to clear things out between us. My heart sank at the moment I was looking at her helpless face, "Honey, I--I wanted to help, Clarrianne. Not because I'm still your mother, but because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. I want you to open up to me. I--I'm trying to get near to you, honey but you're so distant. I missed you so badly and I'm still hoping… that we could still rebuild our relationship." She cried telling me how stiff I am in the past years. That I should finally realize how to forgive my family for ruining my young life. I felt my skin wanted to cool down, to relax my mind and body, and hope I can think straight later.

There was a moment of silence like we were delivering our silent prayers to the universe.

"No matter what happened, Clarrianne... I know you'll both get back to it." She was talking about Rex, "I know it's hard to cope with the boys' childish environment but I know someday he'll realize it. Rexander is a good kid. I'm just not so sure of how the two of you got so disdainful and sentimental." She shook her head in disbelief, knowing her, she does a little bipolarity syndrome sometimes. I just shook my head and smirked to myself.

"You like him, don't you?" she suddenly asked with a speculative look that a mother should have. But she's so young the men would've probably mistaken her as a young maiden.

Marrianne has this heart-shaped face with a perfected lip I wish I had. She looked younger than Sharon despite their same age. She had this natural black wavy long hair that somehow hides her two heightened ears. Her eyebrows are so well-lined defining her cheery facial expression. This woman who's loved by my very own father, this woman who happened to be my mother, had made me so distant from myself, and from her.

"I know what you're thinking..." Marrianne pointed at me with an accusing look. I looked at her defensively as she laughed enjoying herself to watch me with annoyance on my face. "You're thinking of what I am right now," she said matter-of-factly, inclined to the thought that she was right and I was too transparent. Or maybe I was completely out? "Don't be, Honey," she turned to me, suddenly serious. That even gave me goosebumps on my skin, "I've made terrible things in the past that somehow...changed our lives in this very house. But please, Clarrianne... don't make that same mistake. I don't want you to be miserable at the end of the line. I want you to be happy," she smiled. Suddenly I felt her aging better than a mother.

I just smiled back, a tear wanting to drip off my eyelids but I hurriedly held my gaze back and stared down at my empty plate.

"I love you, honey... I know boys can wait, can't they?" She moved and kissed my head with so much tenderness. The very thing that always plays in my mind is that someday I will be like this with my mother.

And she was right.