Her Atonement

Chapter 5

Anastasia

It has been eight long weeks since my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and our financial situation has taken a turn for the worse. I was unable to increase my student loan because I missed some stupid deadline that the lady of student affairs had failed to mention to me. The simple fact was that I couldn't afford to stay in college and pay for Ray's bills. I know both my mom and Ray will be devastated if I dropped out, especially since I am starting my senior year, but Ray's health is more important to me. I refuse to tell him or mom how dire the situation is; they have enough crap to deal with at the moment. No, I just need to be strong and handle it by myself. Still, I could not help but feel angry at Ray's bosses at the shipyard. They were the once that made him sick.

I had borrowed Kate's laptop to do some research into the company a couple of days ago and found out that some of Ray's colleagues had gotten ill as well. I had emailed one of them. He had emailed me back today and I was shocked when I read his reply. He wrote that the shipyard had been notoriously lax with safety regulations regarding dangerous chemicals. Apparently, they had valued profit more than human lives. He was especially angry with Christian Grey who he called an egotistical, megalomaniacal money grabbing prick. He wrote that Grey had been a silent partner for years and closed shop the moment people started to complain about health problems. I had heard of Christian Grey before, everybody is the US had. He was portrayed as some philanthropist wonder boy in the media according to Kate. I, on the other hand, had never paid any attention to the man until today.

I entered his name in Google, and my heart caught in my throat when a picture of him appeared on screen. It was him! The gorgeous man I danced with in the club in Portland a couple of weeks ago! Those intense silver eyes, and that scorching hot kiss, have haunted my dreams for weeks now leaving me all hot and bothered in the morning. He was even more handsome than I ever thought was possible. His hair was a thick tousled copper mess, and his jaw was strong and masculine. A tingling sensation crept over my spine into my nether regions. I felt sick and repulsed with myself. How could I have been attracted to such a vile person? I swore right then and there to expulse him from my thoughts and dreams no matter how hard that would be. Hell, he probably wouldn't remember me anyway.

I close Kate's laptop and prepare myself for another long shift at Clayton's, grateful for every dollar I would earn. I had asked Mr. and Mrs. Clayton if I could get more hours once I left college, and they were very understanding and accommodating of my situation. Today was very busy in the hardware store and time flew by. I help Mr. Clayton with closing the shop and wish them goodnight. I walk over to my car, and suddenly feel a prickling sensation in my neck, as if I was being watched. It was a feeling I've been having for a couple of days now. I look around but could not see anyone. I scold myself for being paranoid and blame stress and lack of sleep for my predicament.

I start the car and drive back to the apartment I share with Kate.

"Hi Ana. How was work?" she asks cheerfully when I got home.

"Oh, you know. The usual. Nothing special really. How was your day?"

"Ugh I spent hours on editing an article some freshman sent in. It was dreadful! He can't write for s**t," she complains.

"Sounds like fun. Listen Kate, I just want to take a quick shower before starting on dinner. Is that ok with you?"

"Sure no problem. Or we can just order pizza. My treat," Kate offers kindly.

"Pizza would be great. I'm kind of tired."

"I thought you would be. You are working too hard. How are you going to handle Clayton's when your classes start again?" Kate asks with concern.

Dread fills my stomach. I haven't told Kate yet that I am dropping out. I know she would go ballistic when, if, I told her, and she will call mom or Ray in a flash. I cannot have that, not right now.

"I will manage it," I mutter. She looks at me skeptically but luckily decides to drop the subject.

"Oh, Ana before I forget. Professor Murphy called this morning. She would like to speak to you ASAP."

I look at her surprised. Professor Murphy is the head of the English Literature department at WSU, and a very inspiring woman. She has written three novels and is an expert on Thomas Hardy. Her classes were a true delight.

"Did she tell you what she wanted?" I ask, genuinely surprised.

"Nope. Just that she wanted to speak to you and that it was urgent. She gave me her number so you can call her back. It's on the coffee table," Kate says while staring at her laptop screen.

"Thanks," I reply, grabbing the note from the table before making my way into the bathroom. I'll call Professor Murphy tomorrow.

After my shower, Kate and I enjoy our pizza with some cheap wine. She asks about Ray and my mom and I ask her about her brother Ethan, who was gallivanting through Europe, before we switch through more trivial topics. After dinner, we watch some romantic comedy before calling it a night.

I make my way into my bedroom, brush my teeth, and fall asleep the moment my head hits my pillow. And just like every night, intense gray eyes haunt me again.

The insidious sound of my alarm clock wakes me from a restless slumber. I feel warm, clammed, and a little disoriented. I knew that I had dreamed of something but I could not grasp what the dream was about. It dissipated like a fog in a warm summer morning. The display on my alarm clock showed 7:30. My shift at Clayton's starts at noon, so I had the entire morning for myself, though I had nothing to do. I did not need to prepare for any upcoming classes since I was dropping out. That thought made me very sad and simultaneously reminded me that I needed to call professor Murphy. I was still at a loss on what she wanted from me. I get out of bed, freshen up, and make some breakfast for myself. Kate is already off to campus to discuss some stuff about the student paper.

After breakfast, I grab my phone and call professor Murphy, her cheerful voice ringing through the speaker at the fourth ring. I feel a little nervous calling her.

"Good morning professor, this is Anastasia Steele speaking," I say, a little anxious.

"Anastasia! Thank you for calling me back quickly. I have received some troubling news from the student administration office. Is it true you are dropping out?" she asks right to the point, taking me aback.

"Mm yes," I finally manage to stammer out.

"May I be so brusque and ask why?"

I feel hot and uncomfortable. I did not want to discuss my financial issues with my parents let alone with a college professor whom I admired greatly.

"I, I …. I" I stammer, hating myself for not being able to tell her.

"I know that whatever the reason is it must be hard for you to tell me. But I cannot help you if you do not tell me what's going on," Professor Murphy kindly says.

"My dad is in the hospital. He has cancer and I need to work to pay for his medical bills.," I finally blurt out.

Professor Murphy was silent on the other end of the line for a moment and I hear some rustling of paper. I feel like a fool for spilling my guts to her. Of course she couldn't help me, no one could.

"Anastasia I would like to talk to you in person today. I think WSU will be able to help you out. When are you available? I would like to discuss this further with you as soon as possible," She says, taking me by complete surprise.

"I am free this morning," I reply.

"Good. Meet me at my office at 10:00 am," she says briskly.

I thank and greet her before I hang up the phone. Hope blooms in my chest. Maybe, just maybe, I do not need to drop out after all.

Professor Murphy's office reminds me of a Victorian English library. Large brown bookcases reached the ceiling and were stuffed with books and various trinkets. A large classical globe stood next to her large wooden desk. I sit down on one of the dark green leather armchairs that where situated in front of the desk.

"Anastasia welcome!" Professor Murphy says excitedly.

Professor Murphy is a woman in her early forties, with dark black hair that was stylishly cut in a bob. She wore a pair of trendy glasses on the point of her nose, and her kind blue eyes sparkled mischievously behind them.

"Good morning professor," I say a little nervously.

She sits down behind her desk and pulls out some papers from her drawer.

"Anastasia. Let me start by saying that I am very sorry to hear about your father. I hope he makes a quick recovery," she says earnestly.

"Thank you."

"I understand that his health has put you into a difficult financial situation and I would like to help. You are one of my best students and I would hate to see you miss out on your education because life has thrown you a curveball.

If this had happened last year I would not have been able to help you. Thankfully, this year, Mr. Grey of Grey Enterprises Holdings has set up a special internship program with WSU to help out brilliant students that have been confronted with financial hardships. You see, Mr. Grey is a firm believer in fostering talent." She says and gives me a tight smile before continuing.

"This year Mr. Gray has offered six internship spots, and you have been selected for one of them. Mr. Grey will pay your college tuition and all other college related expenses. You will also be paid a small salary of about 20 dollars an hour. In return, you will work four days a week at one of the departments of his headquarters in Seattle. Your classes at WSU will be scheduled on your day off. That way, you earn money to help your father and still be able to get your diploma. It is a very elegant solution." Professor Murphy says as if she just offered me the best thing since sliced bread.

My stomach drops and anger sweeps through me. Fostering talents my ass. More like exploiting people and dump them the moment they become an inconvenience. It's his fault that Ray got sick and I was in this mess in the first place! I would rather be damned than be used and abused by his company the same way my dad was. There is no way I was going to work for that asshole or his stupid company. He can take his internship and shove it so far up his ass that he would choke on it. However, the little rational voice in me is quick to point out that this might be the best solution to my shitty situation. Especially since Ray has been admitted into a veteran hospital located in Seattle. Yet, I cannot bring myself to accept this cup of ill-disguised poison. Still, I will never make professor Murphy privy for my reasons to refuse this, and I quickly need to come up with a plausible reason to turn this internship down.

"This is a really kind offer professor, and I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I am really grateful for it. However, I cannot accept this. I don't think I can afford to work just four days a week." I say hesitantly.

She looks at me intently for a few long seconds before she speaks up again.

"Anastasia, I don't want to sound blunt, but very little jobs will offer you a higher salary or a fulltime position. Not in this economy anyway. Do you really want to waste your talent on some menial badly paid job and forfeit your college education? What about your parents? Would they really want you to drop out?" she asks with an arched eyebrow.

I instantly feel guilty, and I can't deny she is making a couple of very valid points.

"My parents don't know I am dropping out. I haven't told them yet since they have enough trouble of their own right now."

She stares at me disbelievingly for a moment and then blinks.

"Ana, I cannot force you to tell your parents and I cannot force you to take this internship. I will only give you a word of advice as a parent myself. I could never let my children sacrifice their hopes and dreams for me, and by the way you talk about your parents, I very much doubt that their view differs from mine. Please think about this carefully Anastasia. Take these forms and read them through before you make your decision. I need an answer by next Friday," she says imploringly.

I nod and tell her I will think about it and call her before Friday with my decision. We say our goodbyes and I drive back to the apartment. I hate this, all of this. My dad's illness, my dire financial situation, Bob dying on my mother and most of all I hate Grey and his evil company for putting me between Scylla and Charybdis.

As soon as I get home, I find Kate sitting in the living room reading something on her laptop.

"Hi Ana, did you call professor Murphy yet?" Kate asks curiously.

I'm not really in the mood to discuss what professor Murphy and I talked about, but I know Kate will turn tenacious if I did not offer any information up voluntarily. I dread telling Kate that I am dropping out.

"Yes, I just came back from a meeting with her."

"So? What did she want?"

This is the question that I dreaded the most. I swallow and contemplate what I was going to tell Kate before I opt for a half-truth.

"To talk about my future at WSU," I reply, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

It did not work, though, because Kate's attention was immediately peaked.

"What do you mean about your future?" she asks.

I sigh and sat down on the couch. I did not know why I even bother with being evasive. Kate would never let me get away with this explanation.

"Kate I need to drop out. I need a fulltime job to pay for all of dad's expenses," I say bluntly, dropping the news like a bomb.

"What?! NO! Ana you cannot drop out! Do you parents know you are planning to drop out? I am sure your mom and dad will never allow you to do that," Kate all but screams at me.

"No Kate they don't and you won't tell them. Dad is sick and he needs all his energy to get better. He doesn't need to worry about my s**t. And mom just lost Bob, she is still mourning his death. On top of that Bob's son is stirring up trouble about the inheritance. I cannot bother her with my issues since I can solve them easily by dropping out and getting a job," I reply, resolutely. Mom called yesterday distraught, telling me that Bob's son Andy wants to throw her out of the house she bought with Bob, claiming that she has no right to live there anymore now that Bob is gone. That small piece of news cemented my decision to drop out.

"And you think that they will jump of joy when you drop out? Your mom took a job just so she could help pay for your tuition. Your dad worked 12 hours a day to help out too. Dropping out means that all your parents' sacrifices have been for nothing," Kate says furiously.

"It is just for this year Kate. Once dad is on the mend I will finish my senior year," I say feeling a little guilty.

"Ana you and I both know that once you have a job it will be very hard to start college again. What did professor Murphy say about you dropping out?" Kate inquires brusquely.

"She wanted to help me. She offered me an internship position in some new project the university has with Grey Enterprises Holdings. GEH will pay my tuition and a salary in return I have to work for at one of the departments at GEH for four days and my off day would be reserved for classes. You understand that I can never work for the company that got my dad sick in the first place."

Kate looks at me like had grown two heads.

"Are you insane? You are offered a great opportunity and you turn it down because you hate the company that wants to help you out? First off, you don't even know for sure if the shipyard your father worked for made him sick. Secondly, you only have to work for them for a year. After your internship is over you can take your diploma and quit. My dad did business with Grey and he is apparently a notorious recluse you so you probably will never even have to deal with him in person."

"First off, I haven't turned it down yet, and secondly, there is plenty of evidence that his shipyard was lax with safety regulations exposing not only my dad but countless others to dangerous substances. I am not going to work for a man like that," I bite back.

Kate rolls her eyes at me and purses her lips.

"You have read some random forum on the Internet and an email from a guy telling you that safety at the shipyard sucked. That is hardly enough evidence. On top of that, this all happened before Grey got involved with the company.

You are throwing away your future on some random claims about GEH's shady business dealings. Think about it Anastasia. The man is under constant scrutiny from everything and everybody and some people would love to see him fall. If his company's ethics were indeed dodgy it would have been common knowledge by now."

Rationally I knew Kate made some valid points but I also knew that a man like Grey had enough money to make complaints disappear.

"It does not matter Kate. I already got offered fulltime position at Claytons I don't need Grey's charity," I snap back, making Kate laugh mockingly at me.

"So you throw away your future and your dreams to become an editor for a 9 dollar an hour job at a hardware store and hope to pay your dad's bills with that? Seriously Ana, you are out of your mind and I won't let you do that, because that would make me a shitty friend," Kate says bluntly.

I know she was right and I did not put it past her to call one of my parents to tattle on me.

"Look Kate, I am hungry and I need to work in two hours. I told professor Murphy I would think about it and I will. Just give me a break, ok?" I plead with her, hoping she would simply drop it, making her throw her hands up in mock defeat.

"Fine," she murmurs under her breath before she continues to type furiously on her laptop again.

I make a sandwich even though I'm not really hungry anymore. My head is swirling with the pros and cons of this internship and I rationally know that the pros far outweighed the cons. I take up my phone and quickly dial professor Murphy before I could change my mind again.