Her Atonement

Chapter 2

I am laying down on my bed with my eyes closed. I am exhausted from the seven-hour flight back from Savannah. Mom needed me badly and I couldn't let her fend for herself. When I was a little girl, I always thought that mom was invincible but in reality, she is only human just like me. Seeing mom so sad and broken really hurt. Even if she did try to put on a brave face for me, I knew better. Who is going to take care of her now? It is odd to realize how life can change in an instant. One moment Bob was with us and the next he was gone.

There is a gentle knock on my bedroom door.

"Can I come in?" Kate asks while popping her head in the small opening.

"Sure," I say sleepily.

"How is your mom?" She asks with genuine concern.

"She is putting on a brave face but I know her heart is broken. She misses Bob terribly. We tried to sort out his stuff to give to charity but she broke down completely."

"Well, it has only been four months. She obviously needs more time to grieve." Kate says with an air of finality.

"I told her that, but she wants to sell the house and move forward. She says there is no point in dwelling on the past. She wants to live closer to me and is thinking about moving to Oregon or Washington. It kind of depends on where I find a job after college."

"You won't be graduating until next year. She has plenty of time to sell the house. Rushing things is not going to help her, it didn't help my mom after my grandmother died." Kate says sadly.

I shrug and stare out the window for a minute. I know Kate means well and maybe she is right. But I want my mom near me so I can keep an eye out on her. Mom is very sweet but naïve, and a bit scatterbrained. I don't think I could bear it if something were to happen to her. A bitter, dark memory from when I was 16 flares through me, but I quickly repress it. I do not want to go there ever again. Ray told her that she could stay with him in Montesano, but she does not want to intrude. It is a shame, really. I know he still holds a candle for her. He has gotten lonely ever since he lost his job at the shipyard he worked for. He had been working there for over 20 years. Until some big company bought and dismantled it with no regard for the hundreds of people that worked there.

"She needs me Kate and I can't leave her to fend for herself."

"I know you can't Aby. Look, it is almost dinner time and I am going to order a pizza. You want some too?" Kate asks.

I give her a small smile. Kate really is a good friend.

"Sure. Thanks," I reply, halfheartedly. I am not really hungry at the moment but I know Kate will insist that I eat something.

I decide to take a shower before dinner; there is no point in sleeping now.

Dinner with Kate is pleasant as always. She tells me all the news I missed while I was in Georgia. Apparently, Ethan broke up with his girlfriend much to Kate's delight. But then again, Kate never liked any of Ethan's girlfriends. She is secretly hoping I take him on, but I told her that is never going to happen. Ethan is handsome, funny and a generally nice guy, but I only like him as a friend.

"Aby, you are never going to lose your virginity if you keep friend-zoning every guy that is interested in you," Kate says exasperatedly.

"I am not doing that!" I say back defensively.

"Oh, please, Aby. Shall I give you the list? Andrew, Martin, Ethan, Collin, and Jose just at the top of my head," she says with triumph.

I rolled my eyes at her but I know she has a point. They are all nice guys, I just wasn't attracted to them.

"Speaking of Jose. Did he call you while you were in Georgia? He is in desperate need for a model and you are his muse," Kate teases.

"He did and I told him that I am not model material, so he has to look for someone else," I said decisively. Jose is our best friend and an engineering major with a passion for photography. He is very talented and was thinking of switching majors especially since he's getting a lot of paid assignments. His recent stint was a photography assignment for the Portland tourism bureau. Hence, he needs a male and female model to play the part of happy tourists.

"Bullshit Aby, you are gorgeous. Granted, you are too tiny to do any runaway work, but you can totally do campaigns and ads," Kate says with the confidence that I lack.

"You sound just like my mother," I groan in reply.

My telephone buzzes and I see an unknown number appear on the screen. Who is calling me at this hour?

"Hello?"

"Is this Miss Abygail Sweet?" A tired woman's voice asks.

"This is she."

"I am Dr. Louise Grantham from Mason General Hospital. I am sorry to inform you that your father became unwell this evening and has been brought here for treatment," she says, and I can hear the sympathy in her voice.

I hear her words but I have trouble understanding them. It is like my brain has shut down and refuses to come on again.

"What do you mean?" I finally mAbyge to stammer.

"Your father is very sick. He has a fever and is hallucinating. We are currently running some test to determine what is wrong with him."

My hands begin to shake and I feel sick. Please let daddy be all right, let daddy be all right. I keep chanting in my head. I can't lose him, not after Bob.

"Is he going to be alright?" I ask furtively

"We do not know yet, Miss Sweet. Our main priority is to get his temperature down. If it is possible for you to come down, I strongly urge you to do so."

I drop the phone from my hands and tears began to well in my eyes. This cannot be happening. Ray never gets sick. This is all a bad dream and when I open my eyes everything will be back to normal. I feel Kate's warm hands grasp my shoulders and embrace me fiercely. I can no longer keep the tears at bay and crumbled down and cry.

I stare at Ray's empty hospital bed. The sheets are thin and crumpled and an empty glass of orange juice stands on the nightstand. Ray has been staying in Mason General for almost two weeks and today the test results are finally coming in. I feel nervous and my stomach is in knots, but Ray remains his usual stoic self. He still maintains that he had just a simple virus but I was not convinced and neither was Dr. Grantham.

"I'll be damn glad if the doctor sends me home today. These toilets stink," Ray grumbles while he walks back to his bed.

I give him a tight smile and squeeze his hand reassuringly.

"I hope so too, Daddy," I reply, not able to hide the anxiety from my voice.

"It is a whole lot of fuss over nothing. I am glad that you did not tell your mother. She has enough to deal with as it is, there is no reason to stress her out over a cold. Luckily I do not have to share my room with anyone at the moment so I can keep the cable TV all to myself," Ray says while hopping back into his hospital bed.

I had noticed how easily he tired out lately and it had scared me. Ray always had an abundance of energy. This was not like him at all.

There's a knock on the door and Dr. Grantham makes her presence known. The look on her face is solemn and instinctively I know that she's not going to bring us any good news.

"Mr. and Miss Sweet, I am afraid that I do not bring good news. We have diagnosed you with stage one Diffuse large B-cell lymphoma Mr. Sweet," Dr. Grantham says, and for the second time in four months, my world stops and tilts on its axes.

"What does that mean?" I stammer.

"Diffuse large B-cell lymphoma is a type of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, a form of cancer. It develops when the body makes abnormal B-lymphocytes; these are lymphoma cells. This type of cancer is relatively common and can be treated well when caught in the early stages. We are lucky that we caught it so soon in your father's case."

I'm confused. Ray was never sick. He never smokes or takes drugs and he is always psychically active.

"I mean how, when? My dad is always keeping healthy."

"Environmental factors often play a role in developing this form of cancer. I read in your father's medical file that he worked at a shipyard. Did you work with toxic chemicals Mr. Sweet?"

My dad's face looked ashen and he swallowed.

"We worked with various chemicals. We made our own benzene based dyes for paint. Our bosses wanted to offer their clientele the luxury of creating their own color for their ships.," Ray answers hoarsely.

"That can be a cause. Benzene is known for causing various types of cancers," Dr. Grantham replies sympathetically.

My mind is a jumbled mess and I have trouble thinking straight. What about my dad's colleagues that were also exposed to that crap? And why is it still used if it is dangerous? So many questions swirl through my head and I feel lost, desolate and angry. I know I cannot give in to those feelings yet, I need to remain strong for my daddy. I also need to find out everything I can about this disease so my father can get the best treatment possible.

"Doc, what are my chances of survival?" My father asks and I dread to hear the answer.

"Luckily, we caught your lymphoma in the early stages. With the right treatment, your chances of survival are optimistic Mr. Sweet," Dr. Grantham answers and I feel the knot in my stomach lessen somewhat. This is a little ray of hope in a dark and bleak situation.

The next hour the doctor explains what kind of treatments is possible. He will get extensive chemotherapy combined with Rituximab, an antibody medication to fend off infections. She also explains that Ray needs to be treated at a veteran hospital in Seattle or his health insurance won't cover the treatments. There is so much more I wanted to ask her but my brain is too jumbled to come up with questions. After that discussion, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. But Ray remained his taciturn self. He barely said anything or showed any kind of emotion. He only begged me not tell my mom anything, as he does not want her to worry. Not after what happened to Bob.

Tears well in my eyes and I know I am going to break down soon. I curse myself for it. I should stay strong for Ray, he means the world to me. Seeing him so tired and sick like this is my worst nightmare. I cannot lose either of my parents. I still need them too much.

He squeezes my hand reassuringly.

"Don't worry about your old man Annie. I am going to be alright. I'm like a cat, I always land on my feet."

His strength and grace never fail to amaze me. I should have been the one to catch him now that he is falling not the other way around. I furiously wipe the tears from my eyes and try to give him a smile. Still, I'm pretty sure it came off more as a grimace.

Dr. Grantham referred Ray to a VA doctor in Seattle and arranged for his transportation promptly. I feel completely lost and alone. There is so much that needs to be taken care of and I have no idea where to start.

Alexander

I always considered the nickname "Windy City" an exaggeration of the Chicago weather. The hawk winds from Lake Michigan provide a cool breeze on an otherwise scorching summer night. I had felt restless being cooped up in my hotel room. This acquisition was not going according to plan and it was beginning to take its toll on me. I needed to get out of here somewhere where I could take my mind off things. So I let Taylor drive me to Danté, an exclusive b**m club catering only the rich and powerful. I had been a member for a couple of years now but rarely visited it, even when I was in Chicago.

I was hoping to do a scene with some random sub, to prove once and for all that Flynn was wrong about everything. But after an hour of searching, I still had not found a woman that appealed to me. I walk towards the bar, order a gin and tonic, then move towards the private rooms in the back. Some private rooms were designed with a small window opening in the doors to appease the clientele with more voyeuristic tendencies.

I peeked through one of the windows and almost immediately recognized the couple in the room. I never knew that the Bensons, my business associates, were into the lifestyle. They always seemed to be a prim and proper couple. The initial shock and surprise that had shot through quickly wore off and I become mesmerized by the scene displayed in front of me.

She lays bound over the whipping bench, her long brown hair bound in a ponytail. He stands behind her and strokes the cat over her flawless light caramel skinned back. He bends over and breathes in her scent, peppering her back with countless kisses. He turns her head towards his and captures her lips in a long passionate kiss. The entire scene is both intimate and erotic, and it shot a shiver down my spine. He pulls back from her and pushes the vibrator inside her before raining down the cat on her ass and p***y, creating soft red marks in its wake. She moans in pleasure and his breath is harsh and labored. I feel like a voyeur watching two people totally entwined with each other. Never before in my life have I witnessed such intimacy. I prided myself on being an excellent Dom having had plenty of submissives, and maybe that was the problem with it all. Never in my life had I experienced the level of intimacy displayed in front of me. Not even with Elena.

I take a sip of my gin and tonic and let the bittersweet liquid cool my heated senses, unable to pry my eyes away from the scene. He has her bound to the Saint-Andrews cross now and is f*****g her at a feverish phase, burying his head in her neck, like he couldn't get close enough to her.

Realization hit me like a lightning bolt, I knew then that I wanted what the Bensons had. A real connection and relationship with somebody else, but I also knew that was something that was not meant for me, and the thought infuriated me. Why did I have to be so f****d up that I couldn't find a real meaningful connection with a woman? Maybe all this stuff about making meaningful connections and love is all just pretentious bullshit. Elena always says that love is for fools and she would know. A familiar wave of dread and darkness sweeps over me. It had become my one and only faithful companion these last years.

I drown my glass and take a final look at the couple. I slam two one hundred dollar bills on the bar before I walk out of Dante's, slowly burning in my own personal inferno.