The Divorceary

Chapter 1: Oh La La, or Damn ItJason Chidworth stared out the window at the man getting out of the new convertible Jaguar. The man was handsome in a traditional way that was also exceptionally exciting. He had the jawline of a god, and it still showed up fiercely behind large sunglasses and a hat that looked like an old movie star should be wearing them. The man suddenly turned full frontal to Jason. Jason hoped the man didn’t see him well through the window because that was about the time Jason spit out a mouthful of coffee and practically shouted, “Damn it!” “Something wrong with your coffee, sir?” a young waitress asked. “No, it’s just my ex,” Jason said in way of explanation. “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand.” “My ex, he’s just…Every time I think I am ready to tell him goodbye, he just…Ugh!” “He just what, sir?” “Never mind,” Jason said, flustered. “Um, can you just bring him a coffee also? Cream and extra sugar, please.” Jason watched as Howard approached the table like he approached anything, confidently and sure of himself. The weird thing was that he should approach things like that. No matter where he was, heads turned, and no matter what situation he was in, Howard seemed to always walk away with his dignity intact. “Jason,” Howard said, taking off his hat as he pulled out the chair across the table. “Howard,” Jason answered, a stiffness to his voice. “I see you have a new car.” “One has to keep up with things. Don’t worry, I kept the old one, I just don’t want to keep putting so many miles on Edgar.” Despite himself, Jason smiled. He used to find it adorable that Howard named his cars. He tried to make his face stern again. Howard buying a new car was not something that should make him smile. Howard telling him that he was engaged to a corporate magnate and would no longer need his palimony would be something that should make Jason smile, but Jason imagined that day would never come. “You know there are people who drive cars that cost less than a small home and still manage to make it safely back and forth to wherever they’re going,” Jason said. “Yes, there are, put please don’t tell me you’re one of them. I don’t want to imagine what you spend in gas on your Hummer.” “Oh, my Hummer takes me back and forth to work, Howard. You remember what work is, don’t you? It’s that place that I go to every morning while you’re driving around in your new Jaguar. And for your information, my Hummer happens to be very practical.” “Oh, yes, quite practical,” Howard replied. “Are you going to war?” “Only this one,” Jason responded. Howard’s face changed and he nodded his head. “I see,” he said quietly. Jason looked at him. He knew he had hit a nerve. It was what they always did. They could never stop at just the right place, they had to go for the jugular. “Look, I’m sorry,” Jason said, his composure rattled. “No, let’s get this out,” Howard answered. “I plan to explain this one more time, and then I don’t ever plan to have this conversation again. As you may recall, after college, I worked for several years teaching so that you could start your business. While I went into work every day, you built a company, and I’m not saying it wasn’t work, but you didn’t even come close to turning the smallest of profits during those first few years, and we scrimped and saved so that we could put money into the company. When I wasn’t grading papers in the evenings and on the weekend, I was helping you out. I was your office staff, your sales associate, your custodial team, and general office lackey. I filed, typed, and cleaned in the evenings. I went schmoozing with you to all sorts of things, and I did a good deal of schmoozing on my own.” “Yeah, but…” “But nothing,” Howard continued. “When the business finally did start making money, we decided to spend what extra we had on adopting the kids. If you recall, that wasn’t easy, and that wasn’t cheap. It was about that time, when we finally had enough for us to move into a neighborhood that actually made you look successful, you begged me to stay at home with our children.” “Yes, but you didn’t do it until I signed that damned palimony agreement.” “Of course, I didn’t do it until you signed a palimony agreement. Marriage for guys like us wasn’t legal. I loved you, but I wasn’t stupid. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and we couldn’t even get married. Imagine if I hadn’t signed it. Where would I be now? I gave up my teaching job for us. Do you how many years I lost in the work force? Remember when my parents offered to give me any money I would be getting from them early? We used my early inheritance for the house down p*****t, and adoption fees with the kids. What was left we invested in the business. Everything I had, we used for us. So, us breaking up romantically wasn’t the same as us breaking up financially.” “What, so I’m your retirement plan?” Jason asked. Not really looking at the cup, Howard took a sip of the coffee Jason had ordered for him. His face changed for just a second. What was that? Anger? Sadness? Then, it changed again. It was a face Jason recognized. It was the face Howard used when he didn’t want someone to know how he felt. God knows Howard had used that face enough with Jason. Howard placed his cup back down and spoke. “As a matter of fact, you are my retirement plan,” Howard said. “The blood, sweat, and tears, and let’s not forget the tons of cash, that I put into our family didn’t really work into a 401k now did they? Think of our relationship as an investment, Jason. People see you as successful now. We never had a problem in that neighborhood, and we were the first gay couple there. James is in his freshman year at Cornell, and Jane will be attending Sarah Lawrence when she gets back from her gap year. I did my job, Jason, and I will continue to do it. I followed James to Cornell with a car full of things after shopping for a month, and I will take Jane to Ikea and then clothes shopping in New York before we go to Sarah Lawrence. I will buy them both an incredible attaché case before they go into the work force. I will welcome their future spouses at Thanksgiving, and listen on the phone when they have bad days. I will keep their childhood bedrooms as shrines until they are ready to move on. When they have children, or bad divorces, I will be there. I will still tend to all their boo-boos, even though those will be adult sized then, and I will applaud all of their adult victories with as much enthusiasm as I did when they sat on the toilet for the first time. So, Jason, while you were in your office, putting little pictures of your family up, I was getting the kids ready for those pictures. When you were inviting your clients to our home for dinners, and parties, and all those other not so little things, I was getting the house ready or acting as the caterer, or finding out who was allergic to what. You didn’t build the business alone, Jason, and your family didn’t just hatch from an egg perfectly made. All those little jobs you got because someone thought it would be fun to support a gay family, those are my sales. Pride festivals alone have made you a small fortune over the years. I did a lot there, brother, and anytime you start to forget it, remember who your first investor was. Now, why did we decide to get together today?” “Jane’s birthday,” Jason said, scared to say much else. “I’ve already started planning it,” Howard informed him. “I thought maybe we could plan it together.” “You were going to add your insights?” “I thought I could,” Jason answered, trying to muster some of the confidence he had felt a few minutes before. “Okay, what’s her favorite kind of cake?” “I’m sorry?” Jason asked, stumbling and then trying to recover. “What’s Jane’s favorite cake?” Howard asked, looking intently at Jason with a big smile on his face. “I guess, it’s um, chocolate.” “Red velvet. Chocolate is your favorite. James likes carrot cake with a cream cheese frosting. He prefers my homemade to anything we’ve ever tasted out. He makes me bake one every year. Jane likes to try a different red velvet on each of her birthdays. She started that when she turned eight. This year we’re supposed to get one from the bakery on Amherst. She said she heard they made the best.” “I see,” Jason said. Howard rose from his chair. “I’ll send you an email with everything I’ve planned so far. You can look it over and offer me your pearls of wisdom.” “I’m sure what you have is great,” Jason said. Howard raised an eyebrow, and then he looked at the table, at the coffee cup he had only briefly tasted. “You know I hate cream and sugar,” Howard said. “That was really nasty.” “I’m sorry, I…” Jason said, suddenly feeling a little foolish. “Enjoy your war,” Howard answered. He began to walk away, but then turned back to face Jason. “Just so you know, you’ve been standing there by yourself. I haven’t been on the battle field in quite some time.”