A Whole New World

8. My Little Freak Out

  Over the course of the weekend, I kept going over everything that happened on Friday.  From the coffee shop confession with Mike to everything that happened with Alexa.  My mind was blown!  I am not so naive that I didn't know anything about this type of thing, I just never imagined that I would know anyone that was a part of it.  I felt so confused and excited at the same time.  I knew I was over analyzing but I couldn't help myself.  When I woke up Saturday morning, I knew I couldn't stay long at Alexa's condo before heading home but I was a little hurt that she pretended like nothing had happened AND to top it all off, Mike was really pissed with me that I never texted him to let him know I had made it home safely.  After the initial call I made to him to tell him that I was fine, he completely lost it on me!  Telling me that he had been up most of the night worried.  I felt bad about it, I did.  I just never imagined that he would be that worried about me.  The last time I checked, I was a grown woman dammit!  There was one thing that I knew I didn't feel bad about and that was the kiss with Alexa.  Mike was so upset that I didn't even get the chance to talk to him about what happened.  I knew it was selfish for me to want his advice right now and that I had to give him a few days to calm down.  I decided to not even text Tina because I know that wouldn't help matters because that would either put her in the middle of it or she would be mad at me as well.  Either way, I was screwed ROYALLY!   I made that mess and I needed to give him a tiny bit of time before I could mend it.  That also gave me a little bit of time to try to figure out how to fix it, so that was kind of a good thing. 

For two whole days I was in a mental debate in my head if I should text her or not.  I was worried that she thought she had made a mistake.  I wondered if she regretted it or if she thought I was trying to use her just to get the contract.  I went back and forth all weekend long driving myself nuts while trying my best not to show Cody that anything had been different.  I tried to analyze what all of this meant.  It wasn't until we were on our way home late Sunday afternoon from grocery shopping that a song came on the radio that I never expected would provide clarity.  When the lyrics to Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" started playing I could feel the words and for the first time I felt like I was going to be okay.  That there was no shame in anything that I was thinking or feeling.  Currently, I should be able to do anything that would make me happy too if Cody were well cared for.  It really shouldn't matter what or whom I chose to spend my private time with.  In the three minutes it took while the song was on the radio, I felt confident that I would call her soon because I wanted to see her again.  I suppose this would mean I am bi-curious??  The only thing I needed now was the nerve to do it and secretly hoping that she would call me first, but I had this nagging feeling that she was waiting for me to make the second move as it was me who had never done anything like this before.

    I also tried to put myself in her shoes trying to think like her 'Knowing who I was, being confident and open with that, what I wanted and needed to be me and then I tried to think how she may feel when a crush came back into her life who knew absolutely nothing about this lifestyle that she was involved in.'   I was having some problems with this because there were so many things that I still didn't know about her and her wants.  There is only so much my mind could hypothesize about without knowing what she wanted too.  She was only looking for fun, a fling, a mistake, a girlfriend, she didn't want anything from me at all...  My imagination started running wild thinking about kissing her again...to feel her soft skin under my fingertips and caressing her body.  I was scared, with all these new feelings as well.  I could have screwed up the one new-ish friendship the very first time we hung out in years.  

    There were so many questions that I needed to answer for myself before I made that call though and the one person that I wanted to talk to about all of this needed some time to cool down.  (Yeah, my fault...I know...)  The only thing that I felt embarrassed about, was the fact that I felt like a teenager all over again.  I had assumed that it would be easier dating (or whatever I was thinking of doing) this time around but now being a mature adult, it brought a whole new world of questions that teenagers don't even have to worry about like...

Am I still attractive?

What do I have to offer someone and is that enough?

What should I feel? 

What did I want?  

How will this affect my work?

Will I lose respect from my colleagues if they find out? 

What will Cody think-would he be able to accept this change if I chose this kind of path?

 By Monday night I had decided to try to read a book in the attempt to take my mind elsewhere.  I had been driving myself nuts trying to answer questions that I could not answer without talking to either Mike or Alexa.  Getting frustrated because everything that I tried to read would not register.  I couldn't stop my mind from wandering right back to Alexa.  I set the book down on my lap with a huge sigh before reaching over to my nightstand and grabbed my phone.  Sitting there, just staring at my phone because I was trying to figure out the best way to do this.  Finally, after what felt like forever, I opened the conversation I had with Alexa and started typing

Hey, how was your weekend?  (Delete)

How are you doing?  (Delete)

I was thinking about Friday (Delete)

'Hi Alexa, I know I probably took too long to send this, but I just wanted to say that I had an exciting time Friday night.  Hope the rest of your weekend was good.'  SEND

    Okay, I finally did it.  I didn't give myself a chance to back out.  I have reached out, hoping that I hadn't taken too long.  Unfortunately, I ended up passing out after midnight waiting to see if I would get a reply that didn't come.  I was hoping that she would have replied within minutes of me sending it but that didn't happen.  I awoke Tuesday morning to the sound of my alarm like every other day, but I didn't want to get out of bed.  I was tired from lack of sleep and a little down because I checked my phone and still nothing... Either way, I still dragged my butt up and got dressed for work because if I didn't leave soon, I would be late to the Toronto office.  Yep, it was another city day, and it was also the last place I wanted to go but I went anyway because I had to put my big girl pants on and continue moving forward.  I was about halfway to work when a call came through the Bluetooth in the car.  It was set to automatically answer any call, so I had no chance to screen them because it was a law here in Canada.  Hands free of pull over- otherwise, you could receive a hefty fine and nobody wanted those.

 "Good morning, Amanda Richards here..."

 "Good Morning Mrs. Richards...do you ever answer your phone without that robotic greeting?"  It was her!  Alexa was calling me back instead of just texting!  This must mean something, right?  I could feel my heart start to race a little bit just like all the cars speeding down the highway I was on.  If this were about work, the call would have waited for business hours, so I knew this was about Friday night.  One way or the other (good or bad), this said a lot about her and that she didn't just ghost me.

 "Oh, it's my work phone -so no.  Not really...plus I'm still driving into the city, so the car picked it up before I saw that it was you."  I fake laughed a little before finishing with "I'm sorry I took too long to text you, but I wasn't sure you wanted to hear from me."

 "SOOO, are you trying to say if you had the opportunity to screen my call, you wouldn't have answered?"  I could hear a little panic in her voice, but she was trying her best to cover it with sarcasm.

 "No, not at all, I was just referring to the robotic greeting comment.  So... how was the rest of your weekend?"  I really sucked at this whole flirting thing.  I was just trying my best to focus on the road as I was driving but still trying not to get too excited just yet...

 "Why wouldn't I want to hear from you.?  I admitted to you that I had a crush on you for years and all those feelings came rushing back when I saw you again...I just know how new all of this is and wanted to give you time to process everything.  I was afraid that I went too far or scared you off..."

 "What?  You were afraid?  Ya, it is all new, and I was freaking out a little....  okay, a lot...I was freaking out since Saturday morning.  When you acted like nothing had happened, I thought that you regretted kissing me."  I couldn't believe that I was being this open about everything.  It was just so easy talking to Alexa.  It always had been...even if I didn't know she was bisexual or had a crush on me, that really shouldn't change anything right?  I mean, I have known this woman for an awfully long time, why should the way we talk now change because of a kiss?

 Alexa must have been a little nervous too, but she replied "Listen, I have fears too.  I was afraid that I ruined our friendship by kissing you.  The last thing I want to do is push you away now that we have run into each other again.  I want to get to know you again, the adult Mandy that is!  You know that I am a part of an alternative lifestyle, which I know you find interesting but there is still so much more to learn about it.  I am afraid that it may be too much for you as it is not for most people.  I would like to get to know you better and you me if you are willing?"  Trying not to over analyze how she was speaking, I went with my gut and happily said "I would like that very much.  I'm such an i***t.  I spent the whole weekend being a horny teenager and stressing."  Wow, I am such a nerd...that's all I could think after saying that...

 "I did as well, but I also tried not to let it consume me.  I knew you needed a bit of time to process and I hoped that you would say yes!  I have already been there and do understand a little about what you are thinking and feeling.  I know that it takes time and if you want a full understanding then you must take things slow.  At the very least though, if you are ever uncomfortable or not into anything, I want you to be comfortable enough to say so.  The last thing I would ever want is for you to think something was a mistake."

 "I really do appreciate that.  This is all just so new to me and I am scared.  Not just because you are a woman, but because you are also the very first person I have kissed since my divorce."  WOW- I thought I was keeping him out of it???  I suppose it wouldn't be too much of a stretch for someone to assume that I was divorced.  She did know about Cody after all...  "and besides how lame that sounds, you're right, I still don't really know what I want.  I just know that I liked kissing you and I am willing to go from there."

 "I understand completely!  Really, I do.  I need to leave soon to head into the office as I am sure you are getting close to your office as well, but I just wanted to say that I would like to see you again, but next time I will be sure to explain a bit more about the why's and how's -maybe even the who's...."  I could still hear a hint of fear in her voice, but she too was trying her best to make light of the conversation.  What was she afraid of???  She had a killer career, an amazing physique and personality to go with it.  It was like she was the trifecta!

 "I would like that Alexa.  I can text you after I have a look at my schedule when I get into work.  I can not promise anything soon, but I will try."   I wanted to see her again.  She made me smile, my palms sweat, my heart race, cheeks flush and I really loved this feeling-I just hoped that my mind was ready for what my body was craving.  I wanted to hold onto this feeling for as long as I could.

 The rest of the drive into work was uneventful, but smooth at the same time.  I parked my mediocre car in the parking lot and started to make my way inside.  The morning sun was already shining brightly reflecting its rays off all the high-rise buildings around me.  I had to admit that one benefit about the city was that it was quite a bit warmer than home.  Being that it was an hour south and right on the edge of Lake Ontario, winters were not as rough here.  There were some winter days that I wouldn't be able to see the end of my driveway at home while it was bright and sunny in Toronto but today was not that day.  Today was one of those days where you could feel that spring was just around the corner and that lifted everyone's spirits.  I made my way into the building and up to the 15th floor where our offices were.  I greeted everyone on my way through with a smile and entered my office to start my morning.  My mini freak out seemed over for now, the only other thing I had to work out was Mike and I decided that he had enough time to cool down.  I would call him on my lunch and smooth things over.