A Whole New World

1. A New Beginning

  I slid into my car to warm it up on this bitterly frigid winter afternoon still shivering from the walk over.  I had just finished my therapy session which left a little time to spare as my son was in there now.  Watching the frost very slowly disappear from the windshield, I was feeling anxious about the last few sentences my therapist had said before leaving the appointment.  Normally, I really enjoy going to my therapy sessions unlike most people.  I also believe that I chose the perfect therapist because it is not the typical picture you have in your head with deep chairs and couches or one of those metal ball pendulum things that tick the time away.  My therapy sessions didn’t even feel like therapy at all!  It was filled with all forms of physical art.  The office was filled with everything and anything you could imagine art wise.  From paints, markers, chalks, and crayons to clay, plaster-heck, there were even bongos!  Music is art too, right!   The whole theory behind this was to occupy your body expelling all the nervous feelings while you talked about the stuff you were there for.  When I first met Rajah a year ago, it was like I was just a shell.  I was quiet and timid, having a tough time even talking about myself and everything that had happened.   

The last half of this session was a 'recap' from the last year.  While I was working with some clay, I decided to just let my hands work until it made something.  I never actually made a conscious decision to make a bowl and talking about the activities that I had planned with my son (Cody) this coming weekend, Rajah, my therapist, had lined up all the art pieces that I had worked on over the past year.  When I was happy with my clay bowl, I looked up only to be shocked at all her artwork around me.  Sneaky lady, I thought of reminding myself to pay better attention to my surroundings in the future because I didn't even notice Rajah doing any of this.  I took my time to look at every piece, noticing that Rajah had placed it in order of completion.  Each one was unique, but I couldn't help but notice a pattern.  

The first few pieces were completely black!  I slowly moved my eyes from one piece to the next.  Following through the timeline I saw a slow progression from the initial dark as night to dark shades of green, purple and blues and finally the beginning of oranges, reds and even yellows. 

"How weird is that?!" I asked a little shocked, pointing from one end to the other.  

"What are you referring to?" Rajah asked calmly.  

"The color!" I exclaimed” That is the first thing I made" pointing to the first painting before continuing "there is no white on the page.  Now even one spec!"  In truth, I had completely forgotten those first few pieces as it was just such a dark time and looking back at them now, I had to hold back a small tear as I remembered how I felt while I created them.  About halfway through the line seeing the shades turn lighter in color another dark one stood out but this one was full of dark reds and I paused.  I remembered painting that and how I felt that day.  I was angry.  Incredibly angry....  with myself.  I was angry because in some way, I felt that I had allowed all of this to happen by staying with Glenn and hoping that things would get better for so long and not seeing how that affected both Cody and me.  That was the first session that I started to work on forgiving myself.  I used to be such a happy go lucky woman.  Bright, full of enthusiasm and a deep love for nature and I was angry with myself because that was the day that I realized that I didn't even recognize myself anymore.  Not physically, but the essence that is me.

"Looking over these, I feel like I am on a roller coaster" I replied in awe.

"This is actually a visual cue of your progress.  Many people do not realize their feelings in terms of color.  You see, when you are here most of my cues are not the words that you are saying, but how you convey those feelings.  I want you to look at the slow progression from absolute black until now."  Rajah commented excitedly.  "That clay you used just now, will be a really nice creamy yellow when it dries.  This is an indicator of how far you have come and how you have been feeling lately.  I wanted to show you because sometimes you seem like that 'light at the end of the tunnel’ is here.  That light is getting brighter and one day, you will not see any black negative feelings foreshadowing your present aura.  All of that darkness will be behind you." Rajah paused allowing me to really take in what she had just said.

"I have been feeling a lot happier lately..." the words spoken so softly came from me.  "but I still feel like I am missing something.  I mean, everything around me has been good.  We are both sleeping better.  Work seems to be going well and I have been enjoying my new position in the company.  Getting this promotion has allowed me not to work so much overtime or bring work home every night" I stated positively.

"What do you think is missing?" Rajah asked me while she sat down in the chair across from me.  Leaning forward and resting her forearms on her thighs.  Rajah liked sitting like this when we were having deeper conversations.  It made me feel that she was genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say and in turn gave me a sense of calm and willing to open more.

"I don't know, I suppose I miss adult conversation.  I mean, besides you...and work.  Most of my friends have moved away and I guess I have just been feeling a little lonely." I said with a sigh and my head slumping a little.

"I see, and what do you suppose can be done about that?" Rajah asked 

"Not much, I mean Cody is almost always with me.  It's not like I can leave him, and I definitely can't afford a sitter while still paying for therapy" I joked.

"Ah, there is your humor that I like to see," Rajah said lightly.  Leaning back in her chair pondering on a thought and how to approach it before saying "you know what?" 

"What's that?" I replied

    "I will make you a deal.  Your homework before our next appointment." Wait....WHAT?  I am 40 years old!  I finished high school 22 years ago and I have homework??? she thought while Rajah was speaking to her.  "We have been enjoying these sessions for almost a year now and I have yet to hear of anything that you do for you!  I would like you to choose one activity to do for yourself and do it.  Anything you would like.  It could be something big or small, but it must be for you and no one else.  Our next session is in 2 weeks and I look forward to talking about it next time."  Rajah said to her in a bit of a calming but upbeat/singsong tone.  The panic starting to form in my eyes

"What's the catch?  You mentioned a deal and so far, all I have heard is that I have to do something out of my comfort zone?"

"If you choose to do this, your next sessions are free of charge" Rajah replied feeling comfortable about the deal she just proposed.

After a few silent moments of fiddling with my fingers and trying to keep the bile in my stomach from the anxiety growing over this task, the little timer buzzed signaling that their time was up for today "OK, I will take that deal." I said a little panicky and rushed tone before changing my mind.  As we exited the office and my son came into my view, I pushed all that stuff back down where I like it and focused on him letting him know it was his turn.   Cody was sitting in the waiting room playing with the video game waiting for his turn to go in.  

"oh, and Amanda," Rajah said just as Cody was standing up "It only seems impossible until it's done” commenting softly before turning around to head back to her office with my son.

Well, crap!  This was out of her comfort zone for sure!  For the past year outside of work, I had focused all my attention on my son and providing a safe home for him to grow up in.  There were lots of sleepless nights and nightmares for both of us, but slowly it was getting better.  It wasn't easy, but it was what I felt like I had to focus on to be able to get through each day.  There was no time for her to be selfish, she thought.  'Besides, what the heck am I going to do?'  she pondered for the last few minutes before going back in to retrieve her son and go home for dinner.

CRAPPITY-CRAP-CRAP-CRAP!!!

    What am I going to do for myself???  It's not like I can just go out and do something, Cody is only nine!!!  I kept stressing over the past couple of days.  I was exhausted from yet another long shift at work.  and preparing for a huge meeting next week.  My job was not physically draining, but it sure was mentally exhausting.  Being responsible for a few ongoing construction projects across the province.  Making sure we were on schedule and constant double checking of everything.  I was still pondering over this while I stirred the pasta sauce that was cooking on the stove when my phone rang. 

"Hi Tina, how have you been?" I asked.  

"Not too bad at all here Hun.  Mike and I were just talking about you last night and I thought I would see how you are doing?" Tina replied.  

Normally, I wasn't much for chatting on the phone for extended periods of time, but I had found myself starting to get lonely lately.  Mike and Tina had been her best friends since teen years and had stuck by my side through this whole thing.  The downside is that they moved 3 months ago to be closer to Mike's new job which meant that they didn't get to see each other as much anymore.  After 'the incident' as I referred to it, I had cut out all the negative people that were in my life and started over with everything.  Only a handful of friends stuck through it with me and Tina was my rock!  But when your entire life is work and conversations with a nine-year-old (besides your therapist), I took advantage of the time that I could at least talk with Tina.

"Honestly, I am exhausted, but managing.  Cody has been doing much better lately at home and school!  He hasn't had a nightmare in almost a week, and I am actually looking forward to seeing a positive report card next week." I said quietly into the phone hoping Cody didn't hear, and not to jinx it.  He didn't like it when I talked to other people about him.  Especially when it came to the issues he has been dealing with.

"That's great news!  He is showing some real progress!  I know it is tough, but you are on the right path with him.  It is you we are worried about."  

"Thanks...I guess?" I replied.

"Say, what are you up to next weekend?" Tina asked pensively.

"Oh, you know- the normal..." wondering what she is up to.  Normally, it is always fun for all, so I am not too worried.

"So, sweet f**k all then?" Tina said with a laugh

"Ugh, you know me so well" a bit of a giggle escaped my voice before continuing.  "Why, what's up?" Already knowing Tina was up to something.

"Well...as you know, it's Mike's birthday next week and we have a babysitter booked for Mia for Saturday night.  We are going out to a club that Mike that I like to go to, and we were wondering if you wanted to join us?  It would be great to see you, and 'lord knows', we all need a break from time to time.  You used to love dancing, and we miss you!  What do you say?" Tina stammered through her question.  

I could hear the pleading in my friend’s voice, and I missed them just as much and always had a fun time when they were together.  My first reaction was to say no, my head was already shaking (not like Tina could see that) when I remembered what Rajah had asked her to do.  I had paused on the phone for so long that the next thing I heard was 

"ah, hello?  Still there Mandy?" Tina was the only person besides my mom that could call me that.  Honestly, I hated it, but for some reason I never corrected Tina.

"Yeah, I am.  I was just trying to figure out how to get a sitter"

"Lier!" Tina chimed with a laugh.  Yes, she knew me that well!  "Besides, you don't have to worry about that.  We already have one.  Bring Cody with you and you can both crash here for the night.  We can have dinner here and when the sitter gets here, we will get ready then go to the club.  We normally get a hotel for the night, but we knew that you wouldn’t be comfortable being away from Cody just in case he has nightmares, so we booked the sitter all night.  She will even get up with the kids in the morning if we want to sleep in!"

"Sounds like you had already planned this to give me no reason to be able to say no, but you know you can say your sister instead of a sitter, right?" I commented jokingly 

"You know me too well, But I still love ya!  Besides, when was the last time you had any fun?  I haven't seen you in 3 months since we moved down here, and we miss you!!!"  I could hear the pout in Tina's voice and pictured her stomping her foot as she spoke those words.

"You are right" I sighed before finishing my thought.  "It would be great to see you too.  I suppose I could put up with the club noise for 1 night to spend some time with my friends, but only on one condition." 

"Anything!" Tina exclaimed already knowing that she would agree to anything at this point if it meant that I would go with them

"I bring dessert!  I love you girl, but your baking skills are not "birthday cake" worthy" I stated 

"PERFECT!  Dinner will be at 5 pm next Sat.  After that, it is adult fun time!  Oh, and I know you haven't been out in like a decade, so bring what you want to wear to the club, but you know you can always raid my closet too” Tina cheered

"OK...but what kind of club is this?  I don't want to be stuck in some place where we are looked at like the 'old people' "  

"You don't have to worry about that at all" Tina commented with a laugh before continuing "this place plays a wide array of music.  Mostly 80's and 90's but a few newer songs too.  Oh, and the average age is our age!  How cool is that?"

"Wait, what?  How did you find a club where the average age is 40?" I inquired as I was truly bewildered. 

"Don't worry about that, it will be fun!  Besides, this place is really laid back.  Everyone is friendly, and you will not have to worry about being hounded by men.  It is a lot more respectful than what you are used to.  Well, what you were used to me mean.  We like to leave around nine to get a good table.  The dance floor is large and open, and we always have an enjoyable time there.  It does tend to die down around midnight though...but I haven't figured out why yet though..." Tina answered, getting more and more excited the longer they talked.

"Okay, but I have to let you go now.  Dinner is about ready, and Cody still must finish some homework.  I will see you next weekend." I stammered, still unsure about any of this.

"Look forward to it chickee, chow" she giggled back, ending the conversation

I hung up the phone to find myself really excited about this.  Tina was right though.  It had been about a decade since I had gone out to any kind of bar, but I knew it would be good for me and hey, I was only following doctors’ orders, right?