Hopelessly Hoping

Chapter 4

MJ scoffed. "There's no such thing as being overdressed for Wade. He will appreciate that I took the time to look this nice for him."

"MJ, this isn't actually a date... it's a casual party.."

MJ ignored her friend's remark as her eyes traveled towards Peter. He was staring out of the window solemnly, thinking about how he was going to talk to Wade just like Gwen said. He will get his hormones in check and he will finally find out if Wade feels the same way-

"Hey, string bean," MJ said, snapping her ruby red nails to get his attention.

"Oh, huh?"

"You're wearing that?" She asked, her voice sour.

Peter looked down at his clothes. There was nothing wrong with them. They were casual. And even if, it didn't matter. He didn't think he had anyone to look good for anyway.

"Whats wrong with my outfit?" He asked.

"Didn't you wear that to school today?" She asked. "You can't wear that out to a party! Especially Wade's party! Haven't you ever been to one before?"

"Um, no," Peter said. "This is my first."

MJ rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. "Oh, my Christ..." She murmured.

"Oh..umm..sorry?" He apologized.

"Just don't do anything stupid." She said. "And don't say that you came with me." 

"Okay," Peter replied back.

"And for the love of god, try not to die." She said. "I don't want the party to end early."

"Alright." Peter nodded. "I'll try my best."

╳╱╲╳╱╲╳╱╲╳

When the trio arrived, the party had already begun. The driveway of Wade's mansion home was packed with dozens of other cars.

Peter lifted his oxygen tank and slung it on one of his shoulders as he and his friends walked up the stairs. He could feel himself already sweating as they approached the front door.

'It's okay... just find a couch to sit down on...don't talk to anyone, don't look at anyone... everything will be okay.'

Before Gwen could even reach the door bell, the door shot open. And there he was.

Wade f*****g Woodland.

Peter looked away towards the grass below his feet. He didn't want the color to rush to his face when he made eye contact with Wade, once again. He didn't want to give someone who may not even like him that satisfaction.

"Hey guys." He said casually. "I'm so glad you made it."

MJ essentially pushed her way in front of Gwen, emphasizing her chest as much as possible.

"Why wouldn't we come?" She asked. "It's great to see you again. I would love to spend some time with you tonight."

Wade wasn't really paying attention to what MJ was on about. His eyes were scanning behind her and Gwen for him.

His baby boy.

"Is... Peter here?" He said casually.

When MJ's confident features turned down into a small frown, Gwen's lips curled up into a grin that said 'I told you so.'

They both scooted towards the left and opened up the field of view for Peter.

His shoulders were slumped as he was standing silently, eventually making weak eye contact with Wade. "Hi there." He said, trying to sound indifferent.

'Don't smile.'

'Don't smile.'

'Don't smile.'

"Hey there," Wade said, Flashing him a nice grin. The look on Woodland's face made Peter's insides warm up, but he wouldn't actually admit that to himself. "I'm surprised you came to my humble home... I thought you were super busy tonight.

"Well..." Peter said, biting his bottom lip. "I... had a last minute change of plans."

"Oh?" Wade asked. "So... you're not going to mope alone tonight?"

Peter tried and failed, to keep the smile off of his face. But he couldn't no matter how hard he tried. "Nope... Not tonight anyway."

It was silent between the two for a couple moments before Wade spoke up. His voice was a sly whisper that came from his lips smoothly. "I'm counting on that." He whispered.

When Peter broke his eye contact with Wade, that's when Woodland acknowledged the existence of the other two people standing right in front of him. "You ladies are free to go inside and enjoy the party." He said.

Peter kept his eyes towards the pretty flowers in the grass. He didn't even want to think what MJ's expression was.

Red cleared her throat and stepped in front of Wade's view of Peter. "How about you show me around?" She asked. When Peter looked upwards at her, she was practically breathing on him.

She intertwined her hands with his and was practically shoving him inside of his own home. "Come on..." She whispered. "Just for a couple of minutes."

"Well, MJ..." Wade trailed off awkwardly. "Maybe that's not the best-"

But he was interrupted by a pair of ruby red lips that pressed themselves onto his. "Let's go..." she murmured. "Just dance with me for a little while..."

'That kinda hurt. Just the tiniest bit.'

Wade quickly pulled away, chuckling nervously. He wiped the red lipstick off of his lip with the back of his hand. "I should probably show Peter around..." He said. "He's practically a high school virgin... I should spend a couple minutes around with him."

MJ turned and gave Peter another sour look before turning back to Wade. "He is a big boy, he can take care of himself." She said quickly.

Gwen was holding in her laughter with Peter. He liked MJ, don't get him wrong, but she wanted Wade so badly that it made him uncomfortable.

Poor Wade.

"Yeah... it's fine." He laughed. "I'll find my way around."

"Now..." MJ smiled, her lips only inches away from Wade's face. "Come on inside and show me what a good time looks like."

Wade narrowed his eyes at Peter. The brunette couldn't tell who he was more annoyed with, him or MJ.

'This isn't over' he mouthed.

╳╱╲╳╱╲╳╱╲╳

At a party, everyone knows that one asocial loser who locks themselves inside of the bathroom to avoid everyone else.

That loner was Peter.

He had been hiding inside of the upstairs bathroom for one hour, seven minutes, and forty-eight seconds

Forty-nine.

Fifty.

It didn't start out with him brooding in one of the bathrooms. In the beginning, he was like a lost puppy following Gwen. She was talking and laughing while introducing Peter to some of her other friends. It was nerve wrecking attempting to keep a conversation with people he barely knew. He didn't want to say the wrong thing, so he was silent. Nodding along with everyone else.

It was nice. Peter could deal with it. But, His mind kept wandering to Wade and MJ. He wondered where they were, and what a "Good time" meant. Eventually, after sitting for a while, Peter decided to stretch his legs and explore Wade's house for a little bit.

He didn't know how much of a mistake he was making.

He had only been walking around for about five minutes until he felt something cold drench the side of his body. When he turned his head, he saw MJ, holding an empty cup in her hand.

She apologized half-heartedly, saying that she "Didn't see him there." And that it was an "accident."

The left side of Peter's Star Industries sweatshirt was soaked with the foul smelling beverage that made his nostrils burn. The liquid seeped into the left side his pants, causing the fabric to stick to his skin. He was pretty sure the excess drink dripping from his pants was going to his shoes.

It wouldn't have been too bad if only MJ was there. But Flash and some other jocks happened to be right next to her during the entire thing. When they were all laughing and pointing at him, Peter actually wanted to curl up and die. He had never been this embarrassed in his entire life. It made him feel smaller than he already was when he was looking up at them.

He could only imagine how pathetic he looked.

So here he was now.

Inside of the upstairs bathroom sitting on the toilet seat in silence. Once he tried to get a towel to dry himself, he got a good smell of the drink MJ spilled all over him.

It was alcohol.

Fucking great.

╳╱╲╳╱╲╳╱╲╳

Eventually, Peter found his way outside. Someone else needed to use the bathroom he was hiding inside of. The brunette still wasn't ready to go back to the party so, he went to the only place where he could be alone.

Outdoors on the steps in front of Wade's home. Inside was getting hot and stuffy anyway, he was better off outside before he had even more trouble breathing than usual.

When he looked behind him, he saw the shadows of people dancing, the bright lights shining through the window, and people sitting down and actually talking to one another.

Peter wished that he could be like them.

They were all having fun. It seemed as if they were all enjoying themselves. They were living their lives.

Everyone else didn't have to worry about lugging an oxygen tank with them everywhere they went, they didn't have to worry about looks of pity being thrown their way, or if people would come up to them, asking about their parents and their life.

All of them were healthy.

They were actually normal.

Peter didn't know why he thought that coming to Wade's party was a good idea. How could he ever expect himself to "mingle" with everyone else and actually make friends?

"Stupid stupid stupid stupid." He murmured to himself. The palms of his hands were pressed to his eyes so he could keep the tears that were threatening to fall out, in.

'Stupid life.'

'Stupid cancer.'

'Stupid me.'

What was he actually expecting to happen? People like him don't experience these types of things because people like him weren't actually living.

He was like a time bomb. His life was pretty straight forward. Right, when he was about to go off, the doctors would buy him some more time with their surgeries and their treatments, but it wasn't a cure.

All it did was reset the time on the bomb.

But one day, the doctors won't be able to reset the time again. And eventually, he will go off, destroying everything and ruining everyone in his wake.

His life was a waiting game.

He wasn't expected to live past ten.

That was proved wrong.

He made a bet when he was fourteen that he wouldn't live past twenty.

On days like this, he hopes he's right.

He hated himself so f*****g much. Because of him being the way he was, he sucked the life out of everyone around him. His parents didn't get to have a "normal" marriage and have a "normal" family because of him having to get cancer at such a young age. Instead of baseball games and family vacations, it was hospital visits and grief counseling.

Every bad thing that had ever happened to everyone around him is all of his fault. Some days, he wondered why he was even here.

What was the upside of him being alive If he wasn't able to enjoy his life?

"I thought I would find you moping — whoa, are you okay?"

Peter would recognize that voice anywhere. He was even more embarrassed when he realized that Wade found him crying out here.

The brunette felt Wade's warm body take a seat on the right side of his. An arm wrapped around Peter's shoulder, pulling him closer. "You're crying," Wade said.

"Yeah..." Peter sniffled. Wiping the excess tears that fell from his face. "I guess I am."

"What's wrong?"

'About everything.'

"Nothing." Peter murmured. "I just... shouldn't of come here. This was a bad idea."

"D-Did something happen?" Wade asked.

Peter removed his hands from his eyes and placed them on his lap. He was fiddling with his fingernails so he would find something to look at other than Wade's face.

He was going to be upfront and honest now about his feelings, after all, he didn't have anything else to lose. His last shred of dignity and self-esteem was ripped away by MJ and Flash.

"Do you..." Peter began. "Like me, Wade?"

Wade hesitated for a few seconds before answering Peter question. "What do you mean by like you?"

The brunette looked up and met Wade's eyes. The other male looked a little worried and scared for Peter like he genuinely cared about how he was feeling, not who he was.

"I mean..." Peter hesitated. "Like... two people in a relationship..."

Wade's face went blank as he turned his gaze away from Peter. The brunette felt more tears slide down his eyes, of course, Wade didn't like him in the way he had liked him. Why would he?

'Stupid stupid stupid stupid.'

He managed to embarrass himself in more ways than one in less than one day. Now, the friendship he had with Wade was now ruined.

Wade was going to hate him too like everyone else did.

But not as much as he already hated himself.

"I'll answer your question... if you give me a kiss."

Peter turned toward wade in confusion, wiping some of the tears away from blurring his vision.

"What?" He sniffled.

"Well..." Wade said. "You asked me if I liked you in a relationship way..."

"And in order to give you an answer, I need to know if you're a good kisser or not."

Peter's entire body froze as he stared at Wade in the eye. He didn't look like he was joking. He was dead serious.

"Umm." Peter mustered. He could feel his heart beat thumping his chest, causing his body to tremble more than it already was. And he was confident that his face was completely red by now. Wade actually liked him that way he wanted him to?

"Can I kiss you?' Wade asked, smiling.

Peter couldn't say anything. He didn't know how to respond.

"I'll take your silence as a yes."

The other male leaned his head in closer towards Peter's. Their lips were only centimeters apart before Peter finally spoke up.

"Wait... wait..." He said, panicking. Stopping Wade in his tracks.

"I've... I've never done this before." Peter admitted. He hadn't kissed anyone on the lips, ever.

"That's okay." Wade shrugged him off. "Stay very still and then follow my lead, alright?"

The brunette's heart fell silent as the only thing he focused on was the breaths coming from his lips, and the ones coming from Wade's. He had to hold his hands in his lap to keep them from shaking uncontrollably.

And then it happened.

Wade's lips felt softer than he thought they would be. It began very gently, then they slowly consumed his. Peter was still for a little while before finally understanding what Wade meant by following his lead.

Eventually, Peter came out of his small shell. Gradually, his lips went through the same motion as Wade's. It got easier and felt much better than Peter thought it ever would.

This what being in love felt like?

When Wade pulled away, Peter was staring right at him. Not saying a word. He couldn't believe that it actually happened.

Wade looked at him and smiled. And his warm grin put the same look on Peter's face too.

"You're not bad for your first time," Wade admitted. "But you could use some extra practice..."

"Do you want to try again?"

Peter didn't even respond as he was the one to press his lips onto Wade's.

As they kept practicing again,

And again,

And again.

╳╱╲╳╱╲╳╱╲╳

Tony was still awake getting some work done at the dining room table when he heard his son walk through the door.

10:30 PM

"Hi, Dad." Peter greeted him. "I'm here on time."

"And in one piece."

Peter's father abruptly stood up, walking closer towards his son. He put both of his hands the brunette's shoulder as he pulled him into a big hug. When he pulled away, he was scanning his son up and down to see if anything was wrong.

"How was it? Are you okay?"

'Why does everyone seem to think there's something wrong with me?'

"Yeah," Peter said. "I'm great. The party was okay, not what I imagined, but it wasn't too terrible."

"That's good." He said. " I'm glad you're-"

Tony stopped abruptly when he felt Peter's wet shoulder. He didn't even have to bring his hand towards his nose when he smelled the all too familiar substance.

Alcohol.

"Peter," Tony said, trying to keep his voice level. 'Why is there... alcohol on you?"

"I can explain-"

"Please tell me... you did not... consume any alcohol."

"I didn't... someone accidentally spilled their drink on me. I didn't have any, I promise."

"Okay..." Tony said, believing his son. "Okay..."

"Head upstairs and change into something that doesn't smell like cheap alcohol, alright?" He said. "We can talk tomorrow morning over breakfast.

Peter smiled. "Goodnight dad.'

"Goodnight. Sleep well, kiddo."

As the brunette went up the stairs to his room, a smile crept onto his face when he looked at the latest message on his phone.

It was from Wade.

"I really liked kissing you."

As Peter sat on his bed and kicked off his shoes, he replied to Wade's message.

"Well... it was good for me too."

╳╱╲╳╱╲╳╱╲╳

It happened so suddenly.

It was going too fast.

All Peter remembered was going to sleep after a much needed warm shower. Then, his eyes shooting open as there was an unbearable amount of pain in his head and a pressure weighing his chest down. Each breath was more painful than the other, bringing more and more tears in his eyes the longer he stayed in his bed.

It took every ounce of strength he had in his body to get out of bed. He was wobbling towards the staircase, trying his best not to fall over and collapse. He followed his disoriented senses because he didn't know where he was, the hallway was pitch black.

When he was halfway down the stairs, Peter's eyes, blurry with tears, focused on his father who was still getting his work done. A strong, agonizing grip was tightening Peter's neck and chest as he tried to form words.

"D-Dad... dad... I..." Peter barely whispered. Wheezes and stutters escaped his lips as he tried to talk, but all stimuli made him feel even worse.

Tony turned his attention from his computer to his son. Once he saw Peter, his eyes widened as he abruptly shot up, running towards him. "Peter?" He asked, frantically. "Peter? What's going on?"

"I... I... can't... I can't... br-breathe..."

Dizziness overwhelmed Peter's vision. He let out a quiet groan as his limbs felt weak, causing his hand to slip. With a split second, he collapsed down the stair case, landing on the marble floor with a loud bang. The blunt force traveled through out his body like shock waves of pure agony that made him cry out in pain and curl his body up into a ball.

Eventually, the pain in his chest was so intense that the feeling in all of his limbs went away. He couldn't feel his arms or his legs.

He couldn't move.

Ripping, burning, splitting, and pressuring all at the same time. His lung felt like large hands were tearing his chest open with an unmeasurable amount of strength, and then squeezing it with all of its force. Restraining any and all movement in his breaths, leaving Peter in a twitching, spazzing mess in which he prayed for death.

Dreamed of it.

Anything for release.

Tony rushed over to his son's body and held his upper torso in his hands.

"STEVE!" He yelled the tears fell down his face, mixing with Peter's. "GET DOWN HERE!"

His voice softened into a soothing whisper when he turned his attention back to his son. "Kiddo... I need you to stay with me, alright?"

'Please... just let me die...'

'I'm tired of hurting so much...'

"Peter!" Tony raised his voice, placing his hand on the side of the brunette's face. "I need you to keep your eyes open."

"Listen to me...I know it hurts... I know you're hurting but I need you to stay awake... please... please..." Tony pleaded. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he lost Peter. In fact, he probably wouldn't be able to live at all.

"H-Hurts..." Peter wheezed. "I... can't..."

"You're not going to die... not here... not now..." Tony cried. "Just focus on my voice, okay?"

"Stay with me..."

'I love you so so much, Dad.'

"PETER!"

╳╱╲╳╱╲╳╱╲╳

The broken words and heavy wheezes turned into soul piercing screams as a gurney containing Peter's body was being dragged through the never ending hospital hallways.

Peter blacked out every couple of seconds, it was impossible to focus on anything else besides trying to keep his screams in. His corneas were burning due to the bright lights that shone above him. Tony and Steve were holding each of his hands, running with the doctors and the nurses by his side.

Peter stared hazily above him. It was hard to focus, it was impossible to concentrate on anything. It was like he was underwater. All of the voices were muffled around his him as his vision became cloudy. Everything above him was a blur of colors.

And then he stopped moving.

Two of the blurs were being pushed away from him by a different colored blur.

"... respiratory... blockage... effusion..." a voice said.

"Starting... 3...1..."

Peter let out a gut wrenching scream.

A large needle made its way through his chest, forcefully piercing through the layers of skin and muscle. The sharp object sent a cold fluid that seeped its way into his body, filling him up with a cold liquid that put him into a deep sleep.

As Peter slowly drifted away, the pain began to subside.

The rims of his eyes faded as a deathly embrace consumed his surroundings.

Peter always expected there to be light at the end of all of this.

After all of his years of suffering, where was his happy ending?

Where was his release?

Why was there only... darkness?