White Roses, Black Doves

The love you want-2

Roman

Violet's boney ass digs into my leg every time one of her hyena screeches comes out of her mouth and she moves around. I look around hoping that someone, anyone, can see just how much I can't stand her.

It’s the same s**t with her and it always will be. The fighting, the screaming, the boring f*****g, it is all the same. It is a never-ending cycle of back and forth and to be honest the s*x isn’t even that great. It is mediocre. Her hacking skills are mediocre. The only reason we are still in this situation is because I’ve known her for so long and she uses that to her advantage. She acts crazy every time we split. Threatening self-harm and s**t, I know she won’t, but I don’t want that s**t on my consequence. Once there was a pregnancy scare after we broke up, I also am smart enough to know that it wasn’t real, but I needed to be there just in case there was a possibility it was. Guess what, it wasn’t true. We are toxic, back and forth.

I look at Toran in the kitchen as she is drying the dishes. Laughing and dancing around the kitchen with Rey. What I wouldn’t give for one of those smiles and laughs to be directed at me. The only time I feel the presence of the cold, dead organ in my chest is from her. Three years ago, when Rey brought her in to meet us and do a trail run I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her. I had to double check and make sure she was real. When I reached out my hand to shake hers, I knew. I knew from the warmth of her hand, from the quickened pulse in her neck, and the way her pupils dilated that she felt the same way that I did. She is the lighting to my chaotic thunderstorm. Then violet ruined the moment by draping herself over me, since then I haven’t been able to get her to look at me longer than a nanosecond. f**k what I wouldn’t give to have a moment alone with her.

That night Violet and I ended things again and for just a moment I thought that there was some semblance of hope, just a small sliver of hope that I could have something else. That I could have Toran. I stayed awake all night that night getting a plan together on how I would approach her and talk to her. For a split second that useless f*****g heart in my chest had a pulsing rhythm.

That morning we got a call that Violet had OD’ed. That was it, the moment was gone, vanished into thin air. I have dreams at night of us only to wake to the reality of Violet and not Toran. Every day is a dull ache of wanting and needing something I cant have because ive formed some kind of twisted trauma bond with Violet that I don’t even want. I fell guilty everytime she does something stupid for attention and she just wants an anchor. I am tired of being that anchor.

The first two years I could feel the tension between us, the electricity that shocked us when we were near one another. This year though, that has been a different story, she is distant from me. I can feel her letting the idea of us, letting of me, and that isn’t f*****g happening. I want what I cant have but one day I will get it, I will get, even if I have to do it in the most f****d up way possible.

She looks back at me over her shoulder but my eyes are already on her. I watch her every chance I get but when she is paying attention I don’t make eye contact, its not because I don’t want to, but if I do she will see the longing I have for her. Then she will see Violet and she will be crushed and back to square one, and I will not f*****g be the reason that she is ever hurt in any way. I want to protect her. Soon, very f*****g soon I will be coming for her.

I give her a small smile back and she returns it and looks away. The same smile she gives everyone one of us. A smile out of being polite. A smile that is not reserved for just me, it is for everyone. I want a smile that is just for me. I want her eyes to darken just for me, f**k I never want those green eyes of hers to never break eye contact with me. I want her breath to quicken because of my touch. I want her to smell like me. I want to taste her on my lips while I'm in the middle of an operation knowing she is just a few feet away from me.

The wall with our monitors mounted all across it lights up red and flashing, our “The Purge” logo comes across the screen. This is it. the trap we set, someone took our bait.

I lift Violet from my lap finally and walk off toward the monitor room. Violet pouts for attention as usual. Derin and Tyler stand from what they are doing and head over to their station set up. Rey pulls out her current concoction from the oven and sets it down on her fancy metal wire thing that she uses for her cooking. Violet sets down her towel that she is using and heads this way with Rey. They both take their seat at their designated stations.

Out of all of them, Toran is my right hand. She is the best of my team other than me. Each of them have their own skill sets other than being hackers, but Toran can get into anything I direct at her in record time.

“Ready?” I ask my team. I can see Torans arms break out in goosebumps when I talk, this happens all the time.

I know baby, I feel it too.

“Let's go” they say.

I activate my console in the center of their work stations and the monitors open into the live feed that we have going.

On the other side of the screen is a older man. A face I've seen a hundred times all over the dark web. A king pin in the eyes of the twisted f***s that surf this side of the web for things that illegal and morally wrong.

He fell for the trap. The trap that we took months perfecting.

“Rey pull up the Feds, let them know we got a hit, be on standby.”

“On it.” she happily chirps back to me.

“Derin, get me the coordinates of this location.” I command.

“Got it.” he answers back and starts tapping on his keyboard.

“Tyler, get me access to the inside of his combine. Anything in there that you see that we can access get in there.”

“Aight.” He answers and then zones in to his task.

Violet stands against the wall and smacks on her gum, popping bubbles and annoying the s**t out of me like always. I walk over to Torans station and stand behind her chair. She turns to look at me over her shoulder, her eyes meeting mine.

Fuck baby. Everything, I need everything.

“Wait for my command” I tell her. She nods her head and turns to face her monitor again as I come to stand next to her watching the wall monitors. I place my hand on the back of her chair and look down at her monitors to see what she is looking at, my thumb brushing against her back and I hear her inhale sharply and look at me out of the corner of her eye. I look back to the wall acting like I haven’t done anything. I cant not yet, f**k do I want to though.

“Swat is on standby” Rey chirps cheerily.

“Good job sweets.” I replied. “Derin, what do you got for me?” I ask.

“still narrowing down the search” he says. He isn’t moving fast enough.

“Tyler?” I ask. He may be a pothead but he is good.

“One second.. and Im in..” he clicks on a key on his keyboard and his screen shows the inside of the place that Manolo Keys is sitting in.

“throw it to the wall” I tell him.

He clicks another button on the keyboard and 3 of the monitors on the wall have the inside of where he is. He is sitting at a computer surrounded by his goonies strapped to the max. this sick f**k cares about his well being but he doesn’t care about the little girls he is taking and selling. Not giving a s**t what happens to them.

“Rey let your people know all the details that you see. Derin?” I ask my patience running low, we did not work on this project for so long for him to blow it.

“One more minute.” He growls out getting fed up with his own stupidity i'm sure.

“Time.” I call on Derin.

“ Tor, Jump in, get the location then send it directly to the Swat. Rey, have them on stand by. Tyler, look for anything in there that we can use as hard evidence that we can keep. Zoom in to anything you can find. Lock something solid down for me.” I tell the team.

I watch as Torans fingers fly across the keyboard, right on que she scrunches her nose to shift get glasses back into place on her face and blows a curl off her forehead but never breaks her focus. Within a minute she is locked in and has the exact address.

She sends it over to the Swat team we have waiting and locks it down.

“Good job love, now zone in on his computer, tap in and download what you can that we can lock him down with, keep it under the radar and make sure that you are dancing around his alarms.” I tell her. I noticed my slip up as soon as I said it but I said it low enough that she heard me but no one heard me. I wanted to avoid that but who can blame me for my slip.

“Got it boss.” She says and she gets to work. She is amazing at her job

I don’t want her calling me boss, I want her calling me daddy.

“I'm in,” she says

“Downloading files now, alarms weren’t triggered but he had a few good ones I almost redlined.” She said.

“Done.” She said and looked up at me with a smile on her face.

There! That smile, that was my smile! I want that smile all the f*****g time, its like water to a stranded man in a desert.

“Good girl.” I tell her and run my thumb across her back again.

I have to step back to the center of the room, I have to get away from her.