Afraid to Love

11

"What kid?" I asked and looked away and then towards the window. My brother always said I should have said something, but what had been the point.

"The one you miscarried two weeks after you broke up with him. You can't forget it, I can't forget it... I don't even think mom forgot about that." Mark told me and I rolled my eyes and looked away. "He should have been told when it happened but you made sure none of us said shit."

"It didn't matter. The baby, not the kid, was gone, he would have tried to stay with me, and he needed to go." I waved my hand around telling him this conversation was over and moved to the kitchen. "Hungry?"

"Jesus Sof." He shook his head and I looked away from him and then dug through the cookie bin. I grabbed enough for him and me and I handed them over.

"Eat your cookies. Stop trying to tell me what to do. We're adults. I didn't tell you to not get shot." I told him and he shot me a look before he looked around. 

"This place is nice... but let me guess, I have to go upstairs for my room."

"Yes you do. I am going to guess it will be good for your leg or therapy or whatever." I challenged him and he smiled and shook his head. "However, the couch is good, fell asleep on it quickly after unpacking one day."

"I bet you could. You were probably looking through everything and organizing like a monster."

"Shut up. Relax, eat your cookies, and we can both go to bed. You look tired." I told him and he narrowed his eyes and shook his head with a small smile before doing as I asked.

I got him up and into his bed, making sure he had water, pain pills he brought along, and his bag for his phone stuff and the clothes for bed.

I went to my own room. changed, wrapped my hair, and laid back in bed, trying very hard to keep myself from crying. Mark had always told me to tell Nick about the baby I lost. Once we were officially over and had been apart for a year he stopped pushing so hard. He probably thought I would never see him again, like I did.

I am such an i***t. I bet if I googled him I would have seen he was married. Getting that idea I turned over, grabbed my phone and searched his name.

He popped up, his serious picture for his own Wikipedia page. Looking up his personal life category I read through how he 'met' his wife Clarinda, how she and him eloped and she singed a post nuptial agreement. She was some sort of small town boutique lady who made a name of herself off of Nick, and I read how she was caught cheating with a woman and another man, a married couple technically, and how Nick didn't leave his house for two months.

I shook my head slowly thinking about that, and for a second I felt bad... then I remembered she had to have been invited onto the ice, she was there for a reason and he probably could have prevented her from coming out all together.

I turned my screen off and turned over, relaxing into the bed, thanking myself for being wise enough not to get to a non return point with him.

I fell asleep and thankfully didn't dream anything. I went to work the next day, making sure my brother would be fine before I hightailed it to my first three appointments at the old resting home where some stroke patients lived for now. I evaluated some kids that were in a local epileptic wing.

I saw a couple autistic kids from a local club, and I was on my way home when I got a message from my brother that Nick was at the house. I rolled my eyes and continued home, seeing his truck out front and him not standing anywhere outside.

I grumbled my way up the steps, shaking my head as I went and when I got into my house I could hear them talking, not upset, not hostile, but acting like they were friends.

I rolled my eyes and slammed the door before going up the stairs as I heard them both call for me. Mark was an asshole. He had no right to just invite him into my house, no right to talk to him like they were friends. Not after Nick lied to me.

"Sofia!"

"Go away." I shouted down the stairs as I got to the top and headed to my room. I was pushing it closed and he was pushing it open. "Nick you're an ass and I wont tolerate it."

"You gotta listen to me Sof. Please. I didn't make you the other woman. We're divorced. She shouldn't of been there yesterday. I don't talk to the media about my divorce, neither did she. She wants to keep up the image of being my wife and I didn't know she was going to be there yesterday until one of the guys said he saw her with the rest of the wives that morning." He told me and pushed the door open slowly, despite me trying to keep it almost closed, I was pushed back even on the carpet.

"Nick-"

"You know me Sofia, I don't make scenes, I didn't want to embarrass you or her. I asked you to leave so I could make it clear to her that we were over, that was her last stunt, I talked to the managers, I talked to the guys and their wives. She's not allowed anywhere." He begged me to believe him as he came closer and I just kept my glare in place. "You think I would cheat on someone to get even with you? You think I would willingly hurt you?"

"Leave." I told him and he shook his head, keeping my door open and when I turned to turn to my bathroom, he caught my arm and pulled me back into him.

"Your brother said you had something to tell me about, something I should have known about a long time ago."

"Mark should shut his face." I shouted and shook my head before realizing it was Mark I was mostly mad at right now. Mad at him for saying something, for letting Nick into the house. Mostly for meddling where he shouldn't be.

"Tell me. What happened? Did you cheat on me? Move on after me? What does he think is so important?" He asked, blocking me from heading out the bedroom door and I clammed up and pulled away from him, moving to sit on my bed and he stayed where he was, not moving closer, not crowding me, just waiting.

"I didn't cheat." I told him and moved to take off my boots and set them up in my closet and he seemed to wait. "I did keep something from you."

"What? Please tell me." He came closer and I crossed my arms and kept my eyes away from him.

"When we broke up... at the time I didn't know, all I knew was that I felt sick all the time when I made you leave." I told him and he moved closer, two steps too close and I was backing away and shaking my head.

"You got sick? Like hospital sick?"

"My sister said it was just depression, my body telling me I did something wrong with sending you away, for breaking up with you." I felt my hands starting to shake and I knew Mark was downstairs right now, being an asshole and probably sitting back.

"What was it? Come on Sof, tell me. Not something I did-" I laughed and shook my head and felt the tears coming again.

"I didn't know until it was happening. I had bad cramps, I was sick for four or five days before Mark made me go to the hospital." I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "I was carrying a stillborn, it was killing me."

"A baby?"

"They took me into an OR... I was a couple months along, the baby had died with all stress I was putting myself under and when it died, it started to kill me." I wiped my face, looking away from him, sniffling and trying to contain myself.

"You were pregnant with my baby." He stated and I nodded and kept my eyes from even gracing his feet. "And you never told me."

"Nick I killed our baby, I killed it with all the stress, I killed it before it even had a chance to take it's first breath. The chance to have it was taken from me before I even knew I had it!" I shouted and turned my eyes to him and he was staring at me, tears in his own eyes and he moved closer and his hands touched me softly and I quivered and shook but he didn't let me pull away.

"Sof-"

"It was my fault. I stayed in the hospital for a week or two, and when I got out... you were a month into your first semester. You didn't need me to do anything. You could have moved on with someone you met in that time. I didn't want to-"

"I wanted you. I still want you Sofia. I love you Sofia, nothing like that would have changed this." I turned away and he shook his head, standing tall and pulling me into his chest.

"You have kids don't you." I whispered and he rubbed over my back as I cried.

"I don't Sof. My ex never wanted kids. I would bring it up because she used to say she did, eventually. I would ask at least 5 times a year... each time would be a no. I wanted kids, you know that." he kept my tight against his shoulder for a few minutes and I took deep breaths to calm down.

"You still lied to me." I sniffled and he shook his head.

"About what?"

"I asked if you had moved on-"

"I didn't. f**k I was married to her and still loved you. I wanted her to be you more than I ever wanted her to be herself. I didn't ruin my marriage but I wasn't happy in it after the whole honeymoon phase." He cut me off and I kept my eyes down and looking away. "I used to think about what would happen if I went home while I was married, and the thought of seeing you while I wore a ring.. I would have filed the second I got back. If I had known you didn't know I was married I would have told you back then. You're not the other woman. She is gone, she took the house I bought us, she took her yappy dog-"

"How long have you been divorced?"

"Going on two years now." He traced his hand up and down my back, keeping me closer and I relaxed a bit quicker and he kissed the top of my head. "I wish you hadn't seen that yesterday. I wish I could have dealt with her privately. Before you even knew she was around still."

"I didn't even know you were married."

"Im not-"

"I know. I meant were as in past tense." I told him and pulled back, looking up at him and he moved his hand up my body and cupped my face.

"I wish that elopement hadn't been a real thing. I wish I could tell you that I was never really married, and I wish I could have married out first and only. Like we always talked about."

"Now you're sounding crazy." I pushed at him and he sighed.

"I like to twist the truth. I used to say I would marry you, and you said... "

"I wouldn't marry anyone." I told him and he laughed and shook his head.

"I could change that."

"Why would you want to change me?"

"You know why. I love you, still do, always will." He rested his forehead on mine and I licked my lips. "You're it for me, you live in my city now Sofia. You're not getting away. I already proved that. Don't be afraid to love me. Even your brother likes me again."

"Mark is an asshole." I muttered and he laughed. "I am still not marrying you even if you ask 1000 times." I pulled away slightly and I just saw the way he seemed to brush that off like he didn't believe it. "I mean it."

"Sure you do Sof. Let's go down stairs." He reached down and pulled at my hand and I let him pull me down the stairs.

My brother was such an asshole, but he did make things between Nick and I right. 

He's still an asshole who almost pushed us too far.