Love You As You Are

2 | MILES

“I’m telling you Indra, it was so sad and disastrous,” I said crawling up her bed late at night. Indra and I pretty much got the premium life of friendship. Not only were we neighbours growing up, we went to the same school, had the same classes and now, we live in the same apartment block, two doors from each other and we also work in the same company.

God’s working hard for these favours. I’ve never went more than a week without my best friend, since the beginning of time. Tonight, I’m visiting her place and we’re about to gossip. As usual.

“So, he’s supposed to marry this…Eloise girl to bring the two companies together?” she said crossing her bare legs. While I wore grey shorts and a loose t-shirt, Indra only had long sleeve and panties. “That sucks. He’s supposed to settle down, just like that. No questions asked,”

“I supposed one has to settle down eventually if you’re in the business industry. I just didn’t think it would be this…bad,” I murmured, scooping up the cookies and dough ice cream in front of us.

“Miles,” I turned to Indra, frowning at the suspicious look on his face. “Why do I feel like you like the boss,”

“Don’t be ridiculous, b***h,” I snorted while she giggled. “Mr Stark is a man, and I don’t date men. Besides, he’s my boss and I’ve been his PA for three years now,”

“And you’re supposed to feel bad for him because?” she rose a brow. “He’s still the mean boss,”

“Mr Stark is not mean,” I argued. “He’s just…strict, that’s all. If I can handle him that close, then it shouldn’t be difficult for all of you,”

“Wow, now I’m convinced ya’ll are dating behind those office doors. You’re defending him. What happened to him being Mr McBossy?”

“That was before I got to know the real him,” I said with a shrug. “He’s also struggling like everybody else. Cut him some slack,”

“Okay, geez,” Indra raised her arms. “I seem to have hit a nerve. No more talking about Mr McBossy-“ I glared at her. “What? You came up with the name. Deal with it,” she said with ice cream in her mouth, muffling her words. “Just because he’s rubbing your v****a in a good way, doesn’t mean he’s doing the same for all of u-“

“Indra, you b***h,” I gasped, throwing a pillow at her. She screamed, toppling over the bed, right to the floor. “i***t,” I grumbled under my breath as I settled back down. “Just because I have a v****a doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with him, alright?”

“I heard he’s got a big d**k,” Indra commented, getting on the bed. My eyes widened as I gawked at her. “Pierced too,” I gasped.

“Indra that’s inappropriate,”

“What? The man is a w***e, alright,” she said with a shrug. “You can’t expect someone who’s been sleeping around to have everything under the radar. I pity Eloise. She has to deal with a manwhore,” she said snorting.

“And I hope you marry a manwhore,” I snapped. She made a dramatic gasp.

“Miles! That’s mean,” she said.

“Exactly b***h,”

*****

“Miles!” Indra yelled as soon as I walked in the office building. “I was starting to think you want to get fired,” she said eyeing the clock on the wall behind her. It showed 11:23. “You’re lucky Mr Stark hasn’t come in yet,” she pointed a finger.

“Hello to you too b***h,” the lady next to me gasped, looking between Indra and I. Indra giggled quietly. “Mr Stark is not coming in today. I’m just here to grab a few files for him,” her face dropped.

“Is it that bad?” she asked and all I could do was nod.

“Please cancel all his meetings and…just let everyone know that he’s not available. Thanks,” I said rushing to the open elevator. The people inside offered a kind smile.

“Excuse me,” a woman in her forties tapped my shoulder. “Are you Mr Stark’s assistant?”

“Yes, I am ma’am, how can I help you?”

“I’m supposed to have a meeting with Mr Stark at 12 o’clock. Can you show me to-“

“I’m sorry ma’am, but Mr Stark isn’t here today,” her face fell at the news.

“Oh,” she said. “This is important. He said to c-come today or I won’t get another chance. I need this job,”

“Tell you what?” I turned to her. “Let me get your contacts and then I’ll see when he’s free so he can see you, how’s that?” her face lit up at my words. “Give me the copies of your documents as well,”

“Oh, thank you so much, kind sir,” she said giving my hand a squeeze. “I won’t be long with these,” she said just as the elevator doors slid open. She bolted out.

“Meet me down the lobby!” I yelled out.

“Okay!”

*****

“Okay, this is the list and here’s the card,” I gave Violet the said items. She eyed the debit card in hand.

“Pin?”

“Oh, there’s no pin. Just…do your thing,” she gawked at me.

“Mr Manando, we live in South Africa. How is there no pin in this card?” she asked.

“Uh…he’s a Billionaire, does that count?” I turned to her. She shrugged before focusing on the list. “So, remember, don’t just go to any store and check before you pick the food. Mr Stark is very fussy about what he eats, so no mistakes. Make sure you get the exact ice cream products listed there,” Violet scrunched her face at that. “I believe everyone has flavours and f*****g them up can make him cranky. Don’t judge the man,”

“Fair enough,” she said.

“Isaac is his driver and he’ll take you to town and back. I’ll still be here when you get back, alright?”

“Do I have to cook as well?” she said hesitantly. “Because I’m really not the best at that,”

“Oh, don’t worry, I can do that. It’s fine,”

“Alright then, I will be back,” she said sliding down the stool. “Shopping for a Billionaire should be fun,” she grumbled under her breath on her way out. I laughed to myself as I tidied up the kitchen, thinking that three years ago, I might have said the same thing.

For the duration of the day, I stayed away from the office, doing my own on the kitchen counter. He hasn’t called me for anything. Not even coffee. A part of me is worried about him and another is relieved that I don’t have to deal with his wrath.

“Hey,” I looked up when I heard someone.

“Mr Kendrick, hi,” I greeted standing up.

“Emmanuel’s here? I checked the office,” he said.

“He’s in his office,” I said pointing towards the hallway leading to said room. Liam Kendrick, Mr Stark’s best friend, grimaced.

“How bad is it?” he asked me. “I heard,” I frowned. “About the marriage alliance,” I hummed.

“Well, he’s been in his office since seven o’clock this morning. There’s a high chance he might be drunk,” I said.

“Breakfast?”

“I gave him breakfast,” I nodded.

“You did?”

“Martha’s not here, so…” I shrugged.

“What about lunch? It’s almost two,” he said looking at his wristwatch.

“He hasn’t asked for lunch,”

“Miles, Emmanuel doesn’t ask for food. You have to give him the food,” he said.

“Well, pardon me, but I’m trying to dodge a flying glass over my head, so…” Mr Kendrick chuckled under his breath.

“Fair enough,” he nodded. “Do you mind…”

“I’m on it,” I said putting away my books and folders.

“Thanks. I’ll come back to get it,” he said before rushing to his possible doom.

By the time I was finished with the food, I decided I would just drop it off before it gets cold. Mr Kendrick hasn’t come out of the office. Balancing the tray on my knee, I knocked on the door. Not even a second later, Mr Kendrick opens the door. “Oh, thank you,” he said, opening the door wider. I stopped in my track when I saw Mr Stark lying on the floor, a bottle of Jack Daniels in hand.

“Hey, come back here,” he slurred. He was facing away from the floor.

“Uh, listen, you can go home, I’ll handle this, alright?” I turned to Mr Kendrick.

“I’m waiting for…the, uh, grocery,” I said frowning. “And I was supposed to make dinner,”

“I’ll take it from here, Miles,” Mr Kendrick said taking the tray. “Thank you,”

“Ay! That’s my assistance,” Mr Stark said pointing a finger at us. “He takes-“ hiccup, “my orders.”

“Go home,” Mr Kendrick mouthed, reversing to set the tray on the table. I nodded and made my way out.

I waited for Violet to come back, so she doesn’t make any mistakes while I’m gone. We left at the same time at around five. I decided that I was going to treat myself to an early dinner, before I went home to binge watch Guardian: The Lonely and Great God series.

Walking into the restaurant, I made my way to the available booth and set my bag down. “Hello sir, how can I hel-“ I looked up and grimaced when I came face to face with the same guy, I apparently took home. “Hi,” he smiled stepping closer. “I didn’t think I’d see you again,” he said placing his notepad down. “You know,” he scratched the back of his head. “Since you basically kicked me out,”

“We would have had to live together in order for me to kick you out…uh,” he frowned at me. Realization dawned on him, and his face dropped. Nodding to himself, he picked up his notepad.

“You didn’t even bother to learn my name,” he said.

“I was drunk and I-“

“Have you decided on what to order?” he cut me off, his eyes glued to his notepad. f**k, I messed up.

“Uh…number six and…thirteen,” I said quietly. “No pickles and tomatoes,”

“You got it,” he scribbled down quickly before giving me the fakest smile. “Sir,” I flinched at the underlying tone. He walked away without another word.

“f**k,”

He didn’t even look at me when he came back with my order. All I got was ‘enjoy your food’ with a very much forced ‘sir’. I hurt his feelings, I get it, but it’s not like I meant it. I couldn’t even enjoy my food because of the guilt. I want to make things better, but that would require me to be with this guy. I can’t do that to myself. Sighing, I pushed back the half-eaten burger and leaned back, closing my eyes.

“Noah,” I jumped, turning to my right. There, the guy had snuck up on me and was sitting right next to me. “My name is Noah Lawson and I’m twenty-seven. I live alone in a crappy apartment that I pay with this job, but that doesn’t have to define me,” he said fiddling with the clothe in his hand. His green eyes found mine and he offered a tiny wobbly smile. “I have a…very generous amount of history with panic attacks and social anxiety, so me talking to you, is a really big deal,” he said blinking rapidly. “For me, at least,”

“I-“

“Can I finish?” he said quickly. “Please. I won’t be long,” I nodded. He took in a deep breath and looked towards the counter. Following his line of vision, I see a short guy with blond, looking at us with anticipation. He’s probably a friend. “I met you in…a business class, on our first day,” I rose a brow at that. “In UKZN. We had a class together and…I was basically a wreck and I dropped everything in my hand, by the front door. Everyone walked past me, some even stomped over my books, but…you didn’t,” he said. “Well, you and your friend. You probably won’t remember because it was just a small encounter or something,” he murmured.

“Since then, I thought that…you were really super nice and good looking and you were always…so happy and smiling and…stuff,” he gulped. “I watched you throughout the University years and…I couldn’t do anything about it. I was…scared. Terrified of approaching you,” he laughed nervously. “But uh…I really liked you,” he whispered, and I almost didn’t hear him over the chattering around the restaurant. “I mean that I…like you, Miles,”

“My friend, Tobias over there, tricked me into going clubbing that night we met again,” he said. “When you…talked to me, danced with me, I thought that…that, maybe, I finally had a chance with you. I mean, it felt…great, talking to you and doing…stuff,” he took in a heavy breath and looked into my eyes. “For a second, I thought that…maybe you liked me back,” he nodded. “Until that morning. And for the record, I didn’t…undress you or anything. I respect your privacy and I…wasn’t ready to go…further, myself, so…”

Wow. This goes a lot deeper than I thought. The man’s in love with me. Like…possible head over heels about me. How do I handle this without breaking his heart? He seems like a nice guy.

“So, I don’t really do much…and stuff, but I like reading and…I like all things science, which is weird to me because I ended up taking a business class,” he rolled his eyes. “I…am a simple guy and I…just like you, so please say something. I don’t take well to silence,”

I shifted in my seat, turning to him. “Uhm…” I cleared my throat. “First of, thank you for telling me,” I nodded. “It must have been difficult for you, Noah,”

“Yeah,” he laughed nervously. “It was,”

“Well…the thing is,” I could either tell him the truth and get embarrassed or I could just…ease the breakup. Or whatever this is. “I’m not…gay,” his face fell at my words. “I don’t…I’m not attracted to men, is what I’m trying to say. And…so, I don’t know what usually happens in these situations,” I admitted. “Mayb-“

“T-There was something there,” he rushed out. “At the club. There was something. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel nothing. We were…we connected, Miles and…a-and it felt good,” he stumbled upon his words. “You even took me home. And, even though we didn’t do anything, that counts as something right?” his eyes wandered between mine, panicking. “There was…just,” his hand hovered over mine for a second before he touched me. Moving closer, he gripped my hand with shaky hands. “Maybe one date,” he blurted out. “Just one date and then…we’ll see where this takes us, right? I promise I won’t hold it against you. Maybe…maybe you’re confused an-and scared of…of coming out, as gay, you know? So maybe if we do something about it, then-“

“Noah-“

“It’s all I’m asking,” he said.

“Noah, listen to me,” he let out a shaky breath. “I could…go out with you, to a date, but then it’d only served to hurt yo-“

“I’ll be fine,” he shook his head frantically. “I know what I’m getting myself into. I just…I need you to see what…what we had, at the club, while you’re sober,” he said. “Maybe it’ll change your mind about…stuff. You were drunk and you probably don’t remember, right?”

“No, but this doesn’t change the fact that I’m not gay,” I was trying to be patient, because I can see him struggling with this and I don’t want to drive him to the wall. At the same time, I can’t force myself to like him, when I clearly don’t. “Noah, I’m dealing with stuff of my own and…I don’t think I should be doing this, because it’ll confuse me any further than I already am,”

“Maybe if you tell me, I can help,” he offered. “We can figure it out together, right?”

“I can’t tell you,” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I cannot tell you. For the sake of my mental health. I wanted to tell you, but it’ll just…I can’t. And I need you to respect that, okay? I cannot…force myself to…to like you when I’m not attracted to you or…men in general. I think that you’re a great guy and I hate doing this to you. I just can’t put myself in that position,” he let out a shaky breath, his head falling. “Noah, I’m sorr-“

“No,” his voice shook. “It’s okay. I mean, I get it,” he whispered, refusing to meet my eyes. “It just…doesn’t make it hurt any less,” he sniffled. Wiping his face quickly, he sat up moving away from me. “This is ridiculous. I’m crying. I shouldn’t be crying,” he laughed to himself.

“Don’t ridicule yourself, Noah. This can be hard to process for some people,” I said fighting the urge to touch him. It might send mixed signals.

“Yeah, but you barely know me and here I am, crying for you,” he said. “You probably think I’m weird-“

“I don’t think you’re weird,” I shook my head. I stop him before he can protest. “I’m being honest. I think that you’re a great guy who loves…love and you wear your heart on your sleeve. In this world, that’s the bravest thing one could do. Heck, I wish I were there too, but…” I sighed. “So, I don’t think you’re weird. And…if anything, I’m flattered,” at that, he blushed, looking away.

“I think you’re amazing too,” he said shyly, his smile wobbly. “And…really good looking,” it’s my time to blush. Thank God I’m black. I can’t exactly fathom the idea of me turning red whenever I get compliments like these. I’m a huge softie, I know, but f**k man.

“Thank you, Noah,” I said instead. “That really means a lot,” he nodded, offering a wobbly smile. “Wanna…hug it out?” I almost cringed at the suggestion, but I don’t want to leave him in a bad state. Noah looked at me sideways. “We don’t have to. It’s totally cool. And I can stay with you, until you’re ready to go back to work,” I said looking up at the restaurant traffic.

“Uh…yeah, I guess,” he said shimmying closer to me. I opened my arms for him, and he leaned in closer, wrapping his around my waist. I tried not to tense when I felt him nuzzle himself against my neck and instead held him. He made a sound I couldn’t decipher before he laughed.

“What?” I asked him when we pulled apart.

“Sorry, I just…” colour flooded his cheeks once again. “You smell good,” he said. Judging by the way his eyes widened, he didn’t mean to say it out loud. “Aah, I meant to say that…in a good way,” he rushed. “No creepiness,”

“No creeping,” I repeated with a smile. “And thank you,” I added. We sat there in silence, his hands still braced on my thighs, with him constantly avoiding my eyes. I feel so bad, I don’t know how I’m going to get past this. “You have to let me go, Noah,” I said quietly, and he heaved, finally meeting my eyes. He lets out a tiny smile, nodding. Slowly peeling his hands off of me, he folded them in his lap. “We can always be friends,” I suggested. “I’d love that,”

“Well…” he wiped his hands off his jeans before standing up, grabbing the table clothe he brought with him. He paced around the same spot for a moment or two before looking down at me. “I don’t think I can do that,” he said swallowing. “Not when all I think about is kissing you, hoping you’d be mine,” I sucked in a sharp breath. He offered a smile. “Have a good day and…uh, thank you for your time,”

*****

UNEDITED