Love You As You Are

“Miles, get up,” I groaned when someone shook me awake. “Miles, you’re going to be late for work,” “Five minutes,” I mumbled, hugging the pillow underneath me. The pillow moved, shifting. “Hey babe, you’ll be late for work if you don’t get up anytime now. It’s already 6:15,” I heard a male voice, accompanied by a shivering caress on my thigh. I frowned, peeling one eye open. “Oh s**t!” I jolted up, looking at the person sleeping on my bed. “Who the f**k are you?” I inquired, grabbing the sheets to cover myself. He flashed me an easy smile, sitting up. The sheets slid down his body, revealing a tattooed chest. “Come on, you brought me here, Miles,” he said reaching for me. I swatted his hand away, shifting to the edge of the bed. Fuck. How the hell did I get here? What is this dude doing here? Who even is he? “Miles, what’s wro-“ I jumped when my phone rang. Turning to the nightstand, my phone flashed, showing Indra’s name. I picked it up. “I hope you’re awake,” was the first thing she said. “Mr Stark just walked in here,” my eyes widened as I scrambled off bed, eyeing the guy still on my bed. “Indra,” I began. “Miles?” she responded hesitantly. “You let me take a man to my place?” I gritted my teeth. Indra burst into laughter. “What do you mean, I let you? You were so stubborn, I tried to tell you,” she said. I rolled my eyes, making my way to the bathroom once I was satisfied that I’m fully dressed. “That’s not the point here,” I argued. “You know I don’t like-“ “Keep telling yourself that, Miles,” Indra said giggling. “Remember that this isn’t the first time this happened. You’re the problem, not me,” she was enjoying this too much. “You should have seen yourself. Grinding all over him and he was all over yo-“ “Okay, I get your point,” I said locking the door. I put her on loudspeaker and stripped off, “You know that I don’t-“ f**k I don’t even know how to explain this. “Indra, I don’t like men. You could have at least stopped me,” “I know, I’m sorry, but you weren’t really helping the case here,” “I’ll call you later,” I said standing in front of the mirror. I looked at my reflection for a moment. I smiled to myself, content with what I see. Admittedly, I’m not packing any muscles and I’m leaner, I still love the way my body turned out. I traced the broken chain tattoo going across my chest, where I had my top surgery. “Don’t be late Miles,” Indra’s voice pulls me out of my moment. “Mr Stark has an important meeting at eight thirty, okay?” “I’m the assistant here, Indra,” I said, turning around to check my behind. I started doing hormone therapy when I was nineteen, going on twenty. As soon as I got the clearance from my advisor, I went for the top surgery when I turned twenty-two for breast reduction. Now, the faint scar is hidden behind the broken chains tattoo outlining it. The hormone therapy helped with reshaping my face, deepening my voice, and growing hair in certain places. The only downside to that is that I have too much hair growing in my body. The first time I experienced that, I panicked. I know that it’s typically a norm for males to grow this much hair. Personally, I can handle the beard, obviously. It’s the body hairs that I have yet to learn to accept. My therapist says my mental health has improved a lot since then and I have to admit, I feel like myself. Like this is me. Dysphoria f****d me up, I’m not going to lie. It didn’t help the case that I was bullied a lot in school. I was considered a tom boy because I loved wearing male clothing more than female clothing. I felt comfortable in them. My father didn’t help the case as well. Whilst my mom and grandmother were supportive, my father didn’t approve. “You killed my daughter, you bastard,” were the last words I heard from him before the night I left. It was still fresh in my mind and every time I think about it, I have to blink back tears. He didn’t understand that that wasn’t me. It wasn’t my gender identity. I struggled a lot with that part of me. Now…everything feels right. I’m falling in love with what I’m becoming every single day. Indra had mocked me a couple of time that I was a little too obsessed with myself. I probably was, but that’s the best part about this, right? Falling in love with yourself. My body has changed drastically over the last nine-year span of me taking hormone pills and patches. Yes, I’m not a hundred percent there yet, but I’m still happy. My menstrual cycle stopped about two years ago. Almost two years ago, I think. Well, that’s a lie. They’re not completely gone, just monitory with the hormonal pills. I once missed the meds and my body saw the opportunity. Admittedly, it’s always been my mistake, but f**k did I forget how bad my periods would get. I haven’t done my bottom surgery as yet. Admittedly, I’m terrified because I’ve been informed of the risks and everything that came with it. Plus, I don’t have enough money to undergo the surgery. That leaves me with a…vagina. I’ve joked with Indra about leaving it the way it is; keeping my female genitalia. Who was I kidding though? I know that spells first hand embarrassment and rejection from any possible s****l partner. f**k, the last time I had s*x was before my transition. And it wasn’t even a pleasant experience. To cut the story short, I got played. This popular guy from high school asked me out and for a moment there, I thought he was genuine about it. Turns out, it was for a bet with his friends, that proved he can get it even from the ‘tom boy’. I was heartbroken to say the least. The fucker didn’t even make me o****m. That was my first and last time. Indra is still a virgin and still my best friend since primary school. I remember the first time I told Indra about my gender dysphoria. At our age back then, we both didn’t know what it was. She was supportive, nonetheless. She stuck by my side. I think that she was also mad at me, to a certain extent, that I basically killed her female friend, but she kept it to herself and stuck by my side. We’ve never visited that topic. I stepped into the shower and washed up. Once I was finished, I moved to the sink to do my normal morning facial routine. As always, a smile stretched in my face as I stared back at my reflection. Today is going to be a good day. Wrapping a towel around myself, I walked out of the bathroom, to find the guy sprawled out in my bed, fast asleep. “Ugh,” I hate Indra. And I hate myself. I don’t even know how this happened. Thank God we didn’t have s*x. He couldn’t have seen my body. That would be a nightmare for me. I should stop going to clubs. One day, I’m going to slip up. I’d hate to be exposed like that, knowing there are cruel people out there. I pulled out a fresh pair of green laced panties. That’s another embarrassing thing about me. I liked…stuff that would be considered weird for ‘men’. Like, panties, lip glosses, stuffies. There’s a section in my closet that has quite a number of stuffies hidden. Basically, my closet hides my preferences to everyone. Everyone but Indra. Grabbing a pair of bottle green pants and a tee, matching it with a green coat. I pulled out my white sneakers and black belt. I grabbed two chains, two rings and my favourite gold watch. Twirling around in front of the mirror to check myself, I grabbed my black shoulder bag and went out. I shook the guy awake, making sure to keep my distance, should he get any impression that I wanted a goodbye kiss. “Going already?” his deep morning voice sounded hushly. He peeled one eye open, and I’m met with bright blue eyes. “You look great,” “Thanks,” I said. “Listen, I’m not sure what happened last night, but I need you to know that I’m not into men and last night was a terrible mistake. I was drunk and I did…stuff. I hope you don’t take this in a bad way,” I said. “What?” he sits up, eyeing me closely. “Miles, baby, come on. You can’t tell me you’re still in the closet,” he tried to reach for me, but I stepped back. “Come on, don’t be afraid. It’s just us. No one will know,” “You don’t get it,” I sighed, looking at the time. Seven twelve. “I’m going to be late for work. Please lock the door on your way out and…uh, there’s cereal in the kitchen cabinet. I really am sorry, but this was an honest mistake,” I said reversing towards the door. His frown deepened. “You’re dumping me?” he asked. “Just like that?” “We weren’t…dating,” I corrected. “I gotta go,” I said grabbing my phone, wallet, and car keys before dashing out of the door to the elevator. Crap. What have you done, Miles? Why do I keep doing this? * * * * * “Good morning, Mr Stark,” I walked into my boss’ office, the iPad, coffee, and files in hand. “You have a meeting in about seven minutes-“ “Coffee?” Mr Stark grumbled under his breath. “Oh right,” I said stepping around the table to place it in front of him. “Here you go,” I waited for him to have a few sips knowing he’d most likely fire me for interrupting him. “You also have dinner with your mother at six o’clock. I’ve already made the reservations at your mother’s favourite restaurant. Mr Smith will pick up your suit in the afternoon,” I read through the rest of his day schedule, just like he’d told me to. “Cancel the dinner with my mother,” I looked up from my iPad, brow raised. “Uh…” I didn’t know how to work around this. “Mr Stark, your mom has already landed in O.R Tambo. I...don’t think we have a choice here,” at that, he looked up. “Wha-“ he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Fine,” he said, grabbing his phone as he stood up. I grabbed his coffee and he looked at me. “What are you doing?” he asked me. “Sir, you won’t be drinking this anymore,” I said. He raised a brow at me. “By the time you come back from the meeting, it will be cold,” he made a humming sound, walking around me. His musky scent enveloped me as he moved to the door. I followed behind, chucking the coffee on the bin in the hallway. “You’re coming with me,” I heard him say while I got distracted by a text. “Sir?” “To dinner,” he said. “You’re coming with me,” “Uh…sir, it’s a family dinner,” at that, he stopped and turned to me, staring me down until I caved. “Yes sir,” I almost grumbled under my breath. His mother’s a b***h. I don’t mean that as to disrespect him, but she is. I cannot stand to be around her. Now I have to sit through an intense dinner, where she basically bullies her own son and summon every possible strategy of belittling and controlling him. Yay me. ***** “Uh-oh, spill,” Indra eyed me as I basically threw myself on the chair, during lunch break. “I’m having dinner Mrs Stark,” I groaned. Indra whistled, shaking her head. “That doesn’t sound good,” she said. “That’s because it’s not,” I said ripping the sachet to pour sugar in my coffee. “I don’t like that woman. Or at least how she treats everyone,” I said. “You can always bail. It’s not your business, you know,” she said. “Listen, surprisingly, I love this job, okay?” I began, stirring the coffee. “Me disobeying Mr Stark’s order would result in me losing this job. I am his Personal Assistance. If he wanted me to wipe his ass-“ I paused, my face twisting in disgust. Indra giggled. “Okay, that’s a little too far, but you get the idea, right?” “That you would totally wipe his ass, yes I do,” Indra said laughing. “f**k you,” I said chuckling. “You know, out of all the Assistances Mr Stark fired, you’ve lasted longer. Maybe he has a soft spot for you,” she said biting into her chicken wrap. I picked up my own. “Or I’m just good at doing my job,” I shrugged before eating. I let out a content sound, chewing. “This is good. Where did you get it?” “The restaurant next to ours,” she said. “Their food is great,” she nodded, biting into her wrap again. “So…the guy you went home wi-“ “No, we’re not talking about that,” I said giving her a pointed look. “You did that and I’m still mad at you,” “Why are you blaming me? you’re the one who went home with him. I tried to warn you,” “Well, you didn’t do a good job-“ my phone rang. “As a friend,” I said before picking up Mr Stark’s call. “Mr Stark?” “I need you to spend the day with my mother,” he said. I dropped my wrap, my eyes widening. “What?!” “Is there a problem?” he asked. “N-No,” I said quietly fuming. “No problem at all, sir. What would you like me to do?” “Whatever it takes to get her off my back,” was all he said. “She’s still at the Airport. I would hurry if I were you,” he added. “The whole day?” I exclaimed. “But what about you? Mr Star-“ I eyed the phone in shock. “I changed my mind; I hate my job. I have to spend the entire day with Mrs McDevil,” “Oooh, I don’t wish to be you,” Indra said, standing up. “Good luck. You’ll need it,” “f**k you,” I just lost my appetite. ***** Fuck, I don’t wanna do this. I pulled up the airport and immediately grimaced when I saw the woman, waiting rather impatiently. Not wanting to prolong my punishment, I bolted out of the car and charged towards the lady. “Mrs Stark,” she sneered as soon as she saw me. “It’s you,” she said looking me up and down. “Where is my son? Why isn’t he the one receiving me? And what took you so long?” she shoved the dog bag in my chest and the little chihuahua started barking at me. I held it at arm’s length, sneering at the dog. I don’t like you too buddy. “Traffic,” I said reaching for her other bag. Thank God she only hand minimum luggage. “And Mr Start has…back-to-back meetings. He asked me to stay with you for the remainder of…today,” she regarded me with a scowl. “Well, in that case, take me to lunch,” she said, heels clicking their way to my car. I moved quickly to shove the dog at the back of the seat. “I’ve been waiting here for so long, I’m starving,” “Yes ma’am,” I said flashing a smile that was in no way generous. *** The woman was the devil incarnate. I shouldn’t have appraised her for carrying minimum luggage. Little did I know, she was here to buy more. f**k me for hoping. I’m drained from running behind her from store to store. The woman has no limit. If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume she spent a million rand in the last four hours. “Alright, take me to Emmanuel’s place so I can get ready for dinner,” she said getting in the front seat with the dog. “Yes…ma’am,” I said peeling out of the parking lot. Mr Stark hasn’t come home yet and it’s five forty-two. He’ll either be late for dinner and I’ll be left to calm this little devil incarnate over her own son’s tardiness. Perhaps he won’t even show up. As much as I hate the idea, I wouldn’t blame him. While Mrs Stark was getting ready, I went to the kitchen to make myself food. What Mr Stark doesn’t know, won’t kill him. Besides, those fancy restaurants serve portions. I’m black and now with the appetite of a male, and I need more than a portion to be full. I’ll just make myself a sandwich. “Where’s my mother?” I squealed, dropping whatever was in my hand, full body whipping towards the door. “Uh, M-Mr Stark,” I panted, looking down at the broken plate. f**k. That’s probably worth more than my paycheque. “You scared me,” I said placing my hand over my beating heart. Mr Stark ignores my near-death experience or the broken shards on the table and quirked a brow at me. “Guest room. She’s getting ready, in the guest room,” I said. I looked down at the broken plate, cussing under my breath. “I’m sorry about the, uh-“ when I look up, he was gone. And I was talking to myself. “Oh well,” Once I finished cleaning up after myself, I sat down and had my sandwich and orange juice. I probably need to call the maid responsible for restocking the grocery. The cupboards are almost empty. Pulling out my phone, I dialled her number and waited while I ate. “Hello?” “Hi Martha, I’m calling about Mr Stark’s place. You might need to restock. Kitchen’s almost empty,” I said. “Oh of course,” she said. “I’ll ask my daughter to stop by tomorrow. I asked for a three-day leave, so I won’t be able to do it. Violet will do it,” “Of course,” I nodded with food in my mouth. “Could you text me your daughter’s contact details so I know when she’ll be here? To let her in,” “Okay, I will. Thank you, Miles,” “No problem, Martha,” ***** Just as I’d expected, portion of meals coming in different plates. Mrs McDevil won’t even let me order my own meals. She’s choosing for everyone. I don’t think I recognise a single ingredient on this plate. I fought the urge to grimace as I grab my fork. “Ma, why’d you set up this meeting?” Mr Stark spoke up after an insufferable amount of awkward silence that was constantly filled with Mrs McDevil’s snidey comments about either the restaurant’s service and food or about her son. Mr Stark doesn’t pay attention to them. He never does. It seems to agitate her more. “Oh right,” she said placing the napkin down after dabbing her face. “Remember the Roman family?” she began. “William was your father’s friend, remember him?” “Yes, I remember him,” he said. “They are…looking into merging businesses with us,” she said like it’s the greatest news of all time. “Isn’t that great? We’ll finally be one big happy family, just like your father has always wanted,” I witnessed Mr Stark grimace, though it was subtle. “You’ll be meeting with his son, Kevin to discuss further arrangem-“ “I don’t remember agreeing to this, mother,” Mrs Stark’s face changed immediately. Would they notice if I disappear? I don’t need to witness this. I honestly don’t get paid enough for this. “Emmanuel, this could benefit the company,” she began on a softer approach. “They are family friends, it’ll be good for every-“ “Since when do we mix business with pleasure?” Mr Stark dropped his utensils, looking up at his mother. “You went ahead and made business deals behind my back. I’m the one in charge, mother,” “I am your mother and I’m trying to do what’s best-“ “Yes, you are my mother, not my manager, stop acting like one,” Mrs Stark gasped, clutching her chest. Take that McDevil. Taste of your own medicine. “You’re making me look incompetent, going around making business deals outside of my approval. I know what’s best for the company and this isn’t it. The Romans are going bankrupt, they’re looking to us for help. Not to form an alliance,” “And we’re supposed to help them! They were there for us when your father died!” I winced when Mr Stark’s fist banged on the table. “How can we abandon them at a time lik-“ “Business with pleasure,” Mr Stark gritted his teeth. “You’re doing it again. Just because they were there for us when father died, like everybody else, doesn’t make us indebted to them. That was a personal favour, not a business transaction,” “How can you be so heartless, Emmanuel?” “I’m the one that’s heartless,” Mr Stark recoiled, letting out a humourless laugh. “You’re unbeliev-“ “Emmanuel, sit down,” Mrs Stark shouted, no doubt alerting the whole restaurant. “Sit down this instance,” I watched him battle with his emotion, halfway out of his seat. I honestly feel bad for him. This woman is unbelievable. Eventually, he caved and sat back down, making no move to pick up his fork and knife. He just stared at the plate before him, his jaw clenching and unclenching. “We’re going to help the Romans. It’s what your father would have wanted,” she said slapping a pocket file in the middle of the table. Mr Stark eyed it for a moment before picking it up. He looked through the documents, his chest rising and falling. “We need to honour your father’s wishes. William was his friend. When they were both starting the companies, they…looked out for each other. They had each other’s back through and through. The onus is on you to carry on their legacy. Kevin is struggling and he needs your help. Just…please honey. Do this for me,” Silence. Deafening silence. Mr Stark stared at the papers, his hands gripping the edges to the point of shaking. Quietly, I placed down my utensils, thinking of possible ways of bolting out of here unnoticed. McDevil cleared her throat when Mr Stark didn’t say a word. “Eloise,” she spoke softly. “She’s twenty-four, William’s oldest daughter,” “What?” Mr Stark looked up from the papers. “You’re going to marry her,” ***** UNEDITED