Fragile Happiness (MxM)

Life Goes On (2)

Chapter 20: Life Goes On (2)

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Have you ever had a time when you felt like something you really wanted was within reach… but then at the last second it slipped away before you could grab it?

It’s odd… I never felt a particular need for another person in my life but now that I have lost him. I feel emptiness that I can’t describe with words, as if something really important is missing from my life.

Could this feeling I’m having right now be called ‘love’? Rather I’d call it ‘regret’ but even if I feel like this, the world continues moving and I have to as well.

Because I can only go so far with lamenting my past, it won’t bring me any good, neither will desperately waiting for him to come back.

Yet… do you know what the worst feeling is? To me it’s the feeling of ‘what if?’ It’s the absolute worst because…

Even if you wanted to go back and change things about yourself, change the way you said something, or make difference decisions… Even if you wanted to do all that, you couldn’t…

That’s why it’s such a dangerous thing to think ‘What if…’ because nothing will change. All you’ll do is make yourself miserable thinking about it. So it’s better if you don’t… After all: life goes on and we all have to accept it.

Yet even though so much time has passed, I still can’t help but wonder how my life would be different right now if I had done things differently…

I know it would be easier for me to say I had no control over my circumstances but I would only be lying to myself…

It’s not that I ever lacked the ability to change, it’s that I lacked a reason to do so. I was so comfortable in my life before that I never thought about changing nor growing as a person. I had absolutely no progress…

But now that I no longer had those restraints holding me, an interesting idea flashed through my mind…

I decided to go and heal my mysophobia once and for all. Of course the physician I went to told me I wouldn’t be healed 100% but it was enough if I could heal at least a little bit so I didn’t mind.

I began treatment with my female physician Hannah, and I quickly realized that what I had with the man I dated was nothing more than dependence. I had depended on that relationship so that I could feel normal. While in reality I was only deluding myself and moving further away from the normal life I wanted…

Though in a way I am grateful to him, if I had never dated him, I probably would have never became an independent author and cure my OCD. Even though it took me a year of treatment until I managed to recover, I’m feeling much better now than ever.

So I started going out more and more. I started talking to people more and more. I even got in touch with Dominic and Mason, (the authors I used to work with) and I have to admit they helped me out a lot as well. I wouldn’t have been able to make it on my own, definitely, so I’m glad I have people to rely on…

Damn… It’s already been three years since we broke up…

Time passes with the blink of an eye. If you don’t use that time wisely than you will lose it forever…

So I’ll ask you this question: ‘If your happiness is completely based on another person’s emotions, can you really call that happiness?’

If you’d like to hear my answer then… I think you can’t… Since in a relationship what you truly should desire is for both of you to be happy on your own but ultimately to combine that happiness when you’re together…

If one of you is miserable and the other is the sole reason for your happiness, then one will be dependent on the other, while the other will be pressured to meet impossible expectations.

I don’t think a life like that is truly happy…

Three years ago, I never thought I needed to be cured, because I never felt like anything was missing from my life. Until I met him, it’s fair to say he turned my life around in a way.

If I’d never dated him, then I would have never experienced what it was like to love and be loved my others. Sometimes I still remember his gentle touch and passionate embrace. But you know… even if I am no longer with him, that doesn’t make me any less of a person.

If anything I’ve grown ever since we broke up. Oh, did I mention? That book I wrote became a big hit so… I’m kind off popular nowadays.

Sometimes when I sit down in front of my laptop I start thinking about everything that happened… and I can’t help but believe there must be fate that brought us together and forced us to part ways.

Because… now I’m living better than I’ve ever done before!

I don’t worry about income as I did before, I no longer have fear of touching others and being touched, I even have friends…

Mason especially comes to visit me often in my home. Yes, that’s right! I no longer fear allowing people into my home…

You could say I’ve changed… but I think this is what I was meant to do from the start, everything before that was necessary to bring me to this point…