My Girl is Nasty (Nasty Series #3)

Chapter 8

acht

When I hear his name name before I remembered all sorts of feelings towards that person.

Fear.

Anxiousness.

Anxiety.

Even depression. I can't believed I went through all of that. As a young kid, I'm not sure what those really mean. I mean, I'm just a kid. How am I supposed to tell what those emotions are. At a young kid, trapped and had a blurry childhood, I was exposed to the internet world. At six, I learned to browse in that world. That's where I learned first... not at school.

Nalunod ako sa mga emosyong sa internet ko lang nalaman kung ano ang mga 'yon.

But now, all I feel is rage. Maybe because I'm older, or because I'm capable of understanding. Magdadalaga na. I'm more aware of what's going on. Mas klaro na sa akin ang mga bagay-bagay.

That man left us when I was young. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit ko naranasan ang pagkatakot sa mundo ng ilang taon. He cheated on my mother. Harap-harapang nangaliwa kay mommy. Kaya kalaunay nagdesisyon si mommy na umalis at sinama ako. Naranasan ang isang madilim na bangungot. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang lahat ng 'yon. Tapos ano ito ngayon? He wants us back?

"He was so sorry for everything, anak."

"Did the woman left him?" Sagot ko sa malumanay kong mommy.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ni mommy. Napasinghap siya sa sinabi ko. May dahilan. Hindi pwedeng wala. Hindi siya babalik sa amin o makikipagbalikan kay mommy kung wala. Nagsisi na siya? That's too cliche. Wala nga namang pagsisi na nauuna. It's a classic reasoning.

"B-Blanca... where in the world did you get that thought? Hindi kita ganiyan pinalaki."

Bakit po mommy? Am I too young to know about it? I actually grew up with it.

"You forgot that I was already sane when that man cheated on us, mom? Kailanma'y hindi po ako nakalimot." Funny that I was just a four-year old child when it happened.

Like I said, my childhood was a complete blur to me but that specific timeline is still vivid.

Nagpa-function na ba ang utak ko no'n? Or nagmature dahil na trigger? I was too young. Masyadong bata para maranasan 'yon. Not that there's an age level but my eyes are just starting to open to the world.

Someone ruined it.

"He's your father..."

"I don't have one, mommy. Iniwan na niya tayo..." gumigilid na ang luha ko. Malas ko na naging tatay ko siya.

"Tayo... ang nang-iwan..." she reason out.

Ano raw? Ano nga ulit 'yon mommy? Tama ba ang pagkakarinig ko?

What? Dahil tayo ang umalis ng bahay, tayo ang nang-iwan? Literally yes but... I can't believe my mother will say that to me. If we didn't leave then dad will eventually will. Sasama siya sa babae niya or worst, ibabahay na niya.

Nakalimutan na ba 'yon ni mommy? He ruined my entire childhood. Did she even think of me before saying that?

"Nangaliwa po ang lalaking 'yon. Siya ang dahilan ng lahat ng dinanas natin, mommy. May malaking rason kung bakit niya tayo babalikan. Tell me, mom? Ano ang dahilan niya?" Maanghang kong sabi.

What are his paawa lines?

"He just..." mahina niyang sabi. Gusto niya pang pagtakpan. But I'm not going to take the bait.

"Tell me the truth, mommy." I sounded rude but I don't know how to talk about this in other ways.

"His woman... died anyway. So..."

See? May rason nga. Dahil pumanaw na ang babae niya. Babalik na siya sa amin. Turn out of events, huh? My condolences to her family but my heart is made of stone. Wala akong naramdamang awa para sa babae. She stole my father from us. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang mukha niya.

And that man has no shame. Tsaka siya babalik dahil wala na ang babae niya. Kung buhay pa, hindi pa rin siya tumigil. Wow, I just can't fathom... ugh...

Ngumisi na lang ako. That man isn't my father. He's a monster.

"Pero matagal na silang wala. Tinutulungan niya lang ang babaeng 'yon dahil nagkasakit. Matagal na siyang nagsisi sa mga nangyari."

No, mommy. Kung hindi nagkasakit ang babae, hindi sila titigil. Throughout his cheating years hindi ba sila nagkaanak? Dapat ang sustento niya sa amin ay 100 percent pa rin. Hindi pwedeng mabawasan dahil may illegitimate or worst ipapatira pa kasama namin.

Gusto kong itanong kung may anak ba sila pero lalayo kami sa totoong pinag-uusapan. Kaya hindi ko nalang tinuloy. Hindi ko rin naman sila tatanggapin kung saka-sakali.

And that's what mommy wants me to do.

"Ano po ba ang gusto ninyong mangyari, mommy? Maluwang ko siyang tanggapin?"

"He supported you ever since!" She exclaimed.

"Yes, financially. Dapat lang! Hindi po ako magpapasalamat sa kaniya. Responsibilidad niya 'yon."

Napatakip si mommy ng kaniyang bibig sa mga isinagot ko sa kaniya. Siya naman ngayon ang hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. Yes mommy, I've said all of those. Bakit ka nagulat pa?

"Where did you get these kind of attitude, Blanca? Napapansin ko nitong mga taon, nagbabago ka na ng tuluyan. What happened to you?" Tears pooled in her eyes.

Taas noo akong tumingin kay mommy.

Let's not talk about my attitude now, mommy. The past had turned me like this. I was never soft spoken. Kalmado lang ako most of the time kaya siguro marahan akong magsalita. But when something triggers me, my true self comes out. That's what the tragedy did to me.

And who else to blame?

"If you want get back together with that man, go ahead mommy. I will stay here. Total nandito naman si kuya Levi. He will protect me. Buti pa siya, all these years, pinoprotektahan niya ako." I said, firmly.

Kahit na may hindi akong maganda attitude, kailanman'y hindi ako tumalikod kay mommy ng ganito. Well, maybe except when she introduced kuya Levi to me before. But not always. I'm not rude as a child.

Naririnig kong umiiyak si mommy sa kwarto niya. Naaawa ako pero hindi ako nagpakita ng kahit anong emosyon sa kaniya. Hindi lang ako makapaniwalang pagkatapos ng lahat ng dinanas ko dahil sa pangangaliwa ng lalaking 'yon, babalik siya sa amin na parang ang dali dali lang.

I lost trust in him. Lahat ng magagandang ala-ala ng kabataan ko ay nawala. Sinira niya ang pamilya namin. Masyado man akong bata para malaman ang lahat pero hanggang ngayo'y hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga ginawa ng taong 'yon kay mommy ko.

"Blanca... anak... he's your father. You know... in this world... gano'n talaga. Nagkakamali ang tao. Lahat tayo ay may kasalanan. Hindi maiiwasan 'yon." Mommy, trying to convice me.

My mommy is a soft-spoken person. Religious din siya. Nagsisimba lagi at talagang mabait na mommy. She's loved by her workmates. Mahal na mahal siya ng mga teachers. Nirerespeto na kahit noong hindi pa siya principal.

She's a public servant. She loves teaching. She loves children. Hindi siya kailanman nawalan ng pasensya sa vocation niya. She's dedicated. Passionate and very, very kind. Kaya natagalan siyang nakapag-asawa at nagkamali pa ng napili. Napunta pa sa masamang tao.

Hindi ko alam na magiging ganito siya ngayon. Matapang siya. She conquered all the pains and didn't give up in me. Siya talaga ang nagtaguyod sa akin. Hindi niya ako iniwan at inunawa. Kaya dapat nga kami ang magkakampi ngayon.

Hindi niya ako maunawaan. Minamadali niya ako na parang ang dali lang. How can she forgive someone that easily? Mabait ka, mommy but you aren't saint.

"I'm maybe a late bloomer, mommy. And I learned so much after coming out. I understand you and the lesson you are telling me but..." my tears suddenly fell. "Have you forgotten everything? What happened to me after he left us? When he went to his mistress? Have you forgotten what we went through?"

Mukhang nakakalimutan na ni mommy.

Now, I just reminded you. Wala na tayong dapat pag-usapan, mom. You are breaking my heart right now. Hindi ko alam na gagawin mo sa akin ito. Hindi naman natin siya kailangan.

All he need is give us money. But you want his presence now. Akala ko ba habambuhay na tayong dalawa lang? Tama nang dumagdag sa atin si kuya Levi. This is already enough.

We don't need him. I don't even need a father.

Natapos ang usapan na wala kaming napagkasunduan. Sumunod na araw ay nag-iiwasan kami. Hindi na kami nagkikibuan kung nagkakasalubong. Humahalik naman ako bilang paggalang at hindi naman umiiwas si mommy.

Hindi nga lang kami nakapag-usap ulit.

"Blanca, don't be rude. She's your mother..." ani kuya Levi, isang araw.

Naikwento ba ni mommy sa kaniya ang mga nasabi kong hindi maganda?

"I wasn't intended to but my mother's news made me furious. And now pressuring me like it's easy to do. Hindi ko matanggap, kuya."

Pinangaralan niya ako pero hindi rin ako nakinig.

Mommy cried everytime she's home. Kapag weekdays halos gabihin na kung umuwi kung nasa bahay naman tuwing weekends, naririnig ko lang siyang umiiyak o nagkukulong lang sa kwarto.

It's hurting me, yes. But... still no...

Hindi ko sinasabi sa mga kaibigan ko ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. I pretended nothing happened the next days and so on. It breaks my heart seeing my mother crying but like I said, she can leave me here and live a life with her husband. If that's what she really wants. Hindi ko pwedeng ipagkait 'yon kung gusto niyang bumalik sa kaniya.

But not me...

"Hi kuya. Kumusta ang pagiging Isko?" Tanong ko.

Weekend and the problem is still there. Minsan ay dinadaan ko nalang sa ibang bagay gaya ng pakikipag-usap kay kuya Levi.

Ngumiti lang siya. Kakauwi lang ni kuya galing uni. Kita sa mukha niya na pagod siya. Umupo siya sa tabi ko. Nasa sala kami at nanonood lang ako ng Cartoon Network.

"Marami bang boys?" Ngumisi ako.

Biglang dumilim ang ekspresyon niya. Kumunot ang noo at parang galit. What? May mali ba sa tanong ko? It didn't offend him right? "Why do you ask?"

Oh wait, did he think I asked for myself?

I chuckled softly, "it's for you, kuya. I'm asking kung marami bang boys for you. Hot and your type of boys."

Nagbago agad ang ekspresyon niya. It became light at unti-unti siyang ngumiti habang umiiling. You maybe gay kuya but you still have that men's instincts. Kaya hindi ka talaga mahahalata ng iba na bayot ka kasi para kang lalaki umakto. Buti nalang kilalang-kilala kita.

"Yeah... madami."

Sus, pa cute pa 'tong si kuya Levi. Naglalaway siguro 'to doon. I can't wait for college. Kung sana lang talaga hindi ako tumigil sa pag-aaral. My past stopped me from experiencing it. My childhood. And that's because my father... cheated on us.

"Si Tita?"

I shrugged. Probably out there dating her man.

"Blanca..." may tunog pagbabanta.

"What? I'm trying to be mature here."

"Hindi maganda ang inaasal mo sa mommy mo. She's heartbroken, too."

Ito na naman ba tayo? Kasalanan ko pa? Let's say I'm not traumatized anymore. Let's say that childhood tragedy didn't happen to me. Still, I won't accept him so easy. Hindi lahat ng tao madaling magpatawad. Hindi lahat ng tao pare-parehas. I was hurt and deeply wounded. Nakita ng mga mata ko na dinadala ng tatay ko ang babae niya sa bahay. I was three to four years old. I couldn't even remember most of my memories. At that age, I am still learning basic things like solving problem (child basic problems). At that stage, it was supposed to be an opportunity for me to explore new places and activities. Childhood stuffs like playing with water, clay, or finger prints.

But... it was exploited by my father. Naaalala ko pa rin ang mukha ng babae kahit hindi ko na maalala kung ano ang nangyayari sa paligid. That's too early for me to know. Childhood for me is a blur but my father's infidelity wasn't.

"I was four when you first met me right kuya? Turning five?" Sabi ko.

He stared at me meaningfully. He understood immediately what I wanted to say.

"I was too innocent. Parang wala pang alam sa mundo. I don't remember most of it because who does? But... I remembered everything about my father. That woman. And my mother crying most of the time."

Tears pooled in my eyes.

Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang ang dali lang kay mommy ang lahat. I felt like she just bought time all these years para sa pagkakataon na ito.

She's got contact with her husband. She knows what's going around all the time, right? Siguro alam na niya matagal na ang nangyayari sa asawa niya at sa babae niya.

The death of the mistress wasn't a shock to her anymore.

She has been betraying me all these years. Yun ang nagpapasakit sa kalooban ko ngayon. Akala ko ba ay magkakampi kami rito? Why did she...

Niyakap ako ni kuya. His arm is on my back wrapping my waist while the other is at the back of my head.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry," he whispered.

I know my mother understands me. Dahil sa nangyari naapektuhan ako ng todo. I'm half blaming my mother too but I learned to forgive. Marunong naman ako no'n pero sana h'wag nila akong madaliin. Hindi madali sa akin ito.

Hirap na hirap ako noon. If my mother didn't introduce kuya Levi to me again. I'm probably in my deathbed. Nasa kwarto pa rin ako nabubulok na. Homeschooled. Takot sa mundo. Walang alam sa nangyayari.

"I'm sorry." He planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

I continued crying. He's so warm and he smells so good. It took me long to stop crying. He just there to comfort me. Wala na siyang ibang sinabi. He didn't insist or what. He just let me cry in his arms.

In the end, I slept well in my bed.

Gusto ko nang lumipat ng condo. Kating-kati na akong umalis pero sabi ng may-ari, hindi pa nila naihahanda ang unit. May pinaayos lang sila at hindi pa ideal lumipat. Ayessa and Winona are excited too.

Kung si Ayessa ay gusto lang kaming makasama sa iisang unit, si Winona nama'y lilipat dahil malapit lang sa university niya. FEU siya, kami naman ni Ayessa ay UST. Dahil kay Winona kaya kami mag-u-UST ni Ayessa. They don't have any idea what's going on with my life. My friends doesn't know much of my family history. My two closest best friends, Rafaela and Winona know about my father's infidelity, that's it.

They just think, we have given my father a second chance and now we are happy family. And I'll leave it as that.

Active kami sa church, pati na rin sa mga social gatherings. Maraming kaibigan si daddy na mga businessmen, ang iba ay nakukumbinsi na niyang mag-fund ng candidacy niya kapag naitakda na ang panahon.

My family is a mess. Kami lang din ang may alam no'n. It's a secret to everyone.

Now, dumagdag pa ang isang hayop. Nawala dati at isang iglap na bumalik na parang wala lang.

"Where are you going?" My mother appeared from somewhere.

"None of your biz?" Kalmado ko pang sagot.

"You were rude to the running President and his wife. Don't you think, you need to apologize?"

For the rudeness and the scene I caused? Sino ba sila? They're not yet as important to me. Hindi pa siya nahahalal. Make him a president first before I pay my respect.

"No," I simply answered.

Aalis na sana ako. I will go to the university and finish my enrolment. Kikitain ko si Ayessa, we'll hangout and well... paparty na rin kapag nagkaayayaan.

"There's a Party dinner tonight. We are invited to that exclusive dinner. Uuwi ka ng maaga dahil kailangan mong magmukhang disente. H'wag mong dudungisan ang imahe ng daddy mo sa mga kapanalig niya."

I breathe deeply.

"You can go. Make that Leviticus be your representative. Total pinatuloy n'yo na dito. He can represent me. I'm busy moving out."

"We will not fund your college if-"

"At mas lalo kong ibubunyag lahat ang karumihan n'yong mag-asawa kung gano'n. We'll be dead together. The merrier, right?" Sapaw ko sa sinabi niya.

I was a good at following them before. Even though I hated it. Nakikipagplastikan ako sa mga tao para sa magulang ko. Pagod na ako sa mga drama nila. This time, I will never hold back. Ngayo'y may plano talagang tumakbo ang daddy bilang politiko. Si mommy naman'y nagpapalakas sa kaniyang inuupuan. They're both doomed if I spilled all the beans. Ang matagal na nilang tinatago. Don't they think may papanig pa sa kanila?

Ako pa ang gagawa ng black propaganda against sa kanila.

"Blanca, what had happened to you? Hindi ka ganito noon."

Oh mommy, you know I was already like this! Bata pa ako 'di ba?

"Mapapapunta n'yo pa sana ako kung nakinig kayo sa akin o talagang hindi n'yo pinagtaksilan. Kung hindi po sana pinatuloy ang lalaking 'yan dito. I can spare a night for you, mother. Kaso... ilang beses n'yo na akong binigo."

"Levi... is your kuya."

"He faked his identity to-"

"Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin na ako ang may pakana no'n dahil mahina ka pa. The tragedy changed you. And now, years gone by, hindi ka pa rin nakakamove on? You're wasting your life, anak." Said mom, tears pooled in her eyes.

I am wasting my life? Yes, that f*****g tragedy changed me. I can't believe my mother said it herself. My life was over after that tragedy, I thought.

Gaya dati, gaya ng ginawa ni mommy sa akin dati. She betrayed me again and again. As if my opinion doesn't matter. They don't consider me and my feelings. Kaya hindi na dapat ako magulat na piliin nila si kuya Levi kaysa sa akin.

Mas anak pa ang turing nila sa hayop na 'yon kaysa sa akin. He impressed him so much. Sabagay, kasabwat silang dalawa sa panloloko nila sa akin noon. Hindi na dapat ako nagtataka doon.

The past flashed in my head. I still remembered it clearly.

Levi and my mother betrayed me. Fool me. Hindi naman siguro masamang magtanim ng galit 'di ba? Kasalanan naman nila 'yon.

"I'm not coming. Have fun in that full of bullshit party." Then I took a grand exit.