Cursed by Desire

Chapter 9: Missing Myself

Leila’s POV:

The next morning, I came to reality by coughing. Head pounding, I can’t figure out where I am or what happened to me. Disjointed voices and memories race around my head like cotton balls, but I find I can’t reach any of them before they’ve blown away. Insubstantial like a summer wind. But the pain remains.

Trying to swallow, an acidic substance rises in my throat and I have to lean over, heaving and vomiting as a thick, dark substance comes up. Retching silently, I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand, whimpering once when it comes away spotted with blood. Lu? Luna? I whisper the words in my mind cautiously, but my wolf doesn’t respond. LU! LUNA?! LUNA!! I keep shouting for her, but my wolf remains silent and elusive and not for a good reason, judging by the fact that my body feels like one giant bruise.

Sitting up gingerly, I don’t make it more than halfway before a blinding pain stops me and the memories of last night rush back, hitting me head-on like a freight train. The abuse. The sneers. The cruel faces and the pain. Always the pain. It’s my constant companion now and has been for the last nearly seven years since I was named the sole person being blamed for what happened to my family. But what did they do to me this time that’s so bad that even Luna has gone into hiding? What have they done to me?

Fiery pain strings up a new cord in my neck on the left side, near where my neck dips to meet my shoulder and collarbone, and I clamp a hand over it, feeling burnt, raw skin underneath. What happened last night? I think both to myself and my wolf, though Luna remains silent. Possibly to shield me from the extent of the torture. But I have to know. I need to know. I need to know because I need to heal. Or else it’ll happen again, only worse. And I don't know if I could take worse right now. Or ever, my subconscious reminds me and I sigh, sitting up all the way.

When I do so, I cry out in mute horror.

Bruises, cuts, scrapes and burns cover every inch of available skin. Raw and red looking, I feel sharp lances of pain throughout my whole body and scream in my mind when I realise what’s done it. Silver. They used silver blades on my skin to cut me but also to inscribe words. There, across my abdomen, is the word ‘murderer’ in large letters that I seem to remember Axal cutting into me. Near it, I can see ‘killer’, ‘slut’, ‘w***e’, ‘b***h’ and thousands of other ugly, damaging comments that sting deeper than the last one.

Claw marks also dot me and I can feel the remnants of several different wolves’ venoms racing around my bloodstream, their effects impairing my ability to heal as I should. Looking down at my ruined, beaten, body, I remember last night with horrific clarity.

The silver and wolfsbane. Breaking bones. Burns. But also the comments. Even one from my supposed mate who said I wouldn't be worth f*****g or having any sort of relationship with even if someone was desperate. Damaged goods. That’s another one I remember from just before I blacked out following the removal of a supposedly faulty Mate Mark on my left shoulder. Feeling the damaged area, I can still feel the edges of the crescent moon-shaped mark and cry out, blood tinging the tears.

Again the metallic taste of my blood floods my throat and I wrap two wounded arms gently around my waist and retch up something dark that shines cobalt blue against the dark red of my blood. Wolfsbane. Faline, Belevine or one of the other girls must have shoved it down my throat when I’d screamed last night to keep me shut up. Why would they do this? I think to myself, not previously quite realising the depth and breadth of the pack’s cruelty. Why would they do this?

Because they blame us. Luna’s voice returns to my head, but I can hear how weak she - we - sound, and it worries me. Worries me that we won’t have the strength to repair what the pack damaged and heal properly between us. They did this because they blame you, Leila. They blame us.

Why? I think to her desperately, not understanding what she thinks the pack blames us for, to the point that they’d try their best to beat and torture me to death - or as close as we Moonbloods get to a comatose sleep that can’t be woken from. Why do they blame us, Luna? What do they blame us for that would result in this torture?

My wolf sighs and seems to think about how to answer me before she does so, her voice sounding infinitely sad. You know what they blame us for to this extent, Leila. We both do, we just try to deny it, hide it and hope they’ll change. Change and accept us for who we are and that we did everything we could that night. That night. The two fateful words that seemed to have sealed me in this ingrained role that I can’t escape from despite my official rank.

But it won’t, will it? I think sadly to her, seeing her dip her head in my mind, ears flattened out of sadness. This treatment won’t change, they won’t accept us. The words hurt for me to say, like trying to speak around a mouthful of nails, but I know Luna and I can’t deny it any longer. We can't, they won’t let us. Hell, even our mate doesn’t want us, Lu, we’re f****d.

Mate not want us? Luna’s voice is low, and I see that, like me, she wanted to hope that what we heard last night wasn’t true. I sigh, as much as I want to keep pretending that our mate will come and save us, I can’t hold that delusion in my head any longer. But Luna doesn’t have the same outlook. We don’t know that for sure. Even if this mate doesn’t want us, maybe Lunae will offer us Second Chance or True Mate instead? To make you- us- happy? She sounds hopeful, and I can’t find it in me to prove her wrong - or attempt to dissuade her - needing the possible hope as much as she does.

But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to hold the same naive hope that she does. My capacity for such things was broken years ago. And what if they don’t? I send the thought back towards her, hearing her whine in response. What if we’re stuck with whoever it is and if they reject us, we’ll be alone? Forever. I hate saying the words, they taste foul in my mouth. Tasting of regret. Regret and loneliness.

But Luna seems stronger than me. Then we go rogue. I inhale sharply, not knowing if Luna realises quite what she’s insinuating by that comment. Of course, I know. She replies, a little put out by my lack of faith. But can you really say you’d rather stay here? Live like this? I sigh again, but this time it’s because she knows she’s got me trapped in a moral dilemma. See, she replies smugly, you would rather that, wouldn’t you? The life of a renegade rather than being forced to live here like this.. especially knowing that one day they will and will kill you if you stay.

Luna’s words make me freeze like someone’s dropped an ice cube down my back. Could or would kill me? Lu are you sure? I ask her slowly, hoping that she’ll change her mind. But my wolf just remains silent, watching me with intelligent sky-blue eyes that seem to be telling me to not be so naive and foolish as to hope for anything else. Please tell me you’re wrong. I.. can’t take it if that’s true. I sob, feeling like my heart’s breaking. Please, Lu, tell me you’re wrong. Tell me that’s not true.

But Luna just whines softly, settling down in a curled up position and rests her head on her front paws, gazing at me with a note of sadness trapped in her eyes. I wish I could Lei, but you know I'd never lie to you. Luna’s confirmation of what she’d said before has my stomach bottoming out and I curl up in the corner, pulling my knees into my chest. So it’s true. My pack, who's supposed to be my family, wants me dead. Dead and buried as they believe I should have been the night the rest of my family had died.

Reckon they would have mourned and loved me if I’d died with the others? I ask Luna with a falsely cheery voice, seeing how she scrutinizes me out of one sky-blue eye. I keep quiet, hoping that she’ll say something, but she just keeps watching me - her gaze growing more and more concerned. Not that I’m suicidal or anything, I lie quickly, disliking doing it but not wanting to worry her more.

But apparently, my attempts failed, since she gave me a lopsided wolfy half-grin. You lie. She whispers to me and I smile back at her though it feels forced. You wouldn’t actually do it, would you? Now Luna looks at me worriedly and I sigh. Not wanting to admit it to her. You would, wouldn’t you? My wolf sounds infinitely sad, and I find myself wanting to reassure her. No lies, she warns me and I have to, painfully, bite back a laugh.

I wouldn’t dream of it. I reply to her, hearing the forced levity in my tone, something that quietens her stirring and has her watching me with a puzzled look, but that’s why I have to be honest with you. I have. I have considered it. I let the words out in a rush and hear Luna’s low whine in response. I promised I’d be honest, didn’t I? I respond to her, and she sighs, her head resting heavily on her paws, eyes watching me like the sky.

After that, Luna’s silent, her presence steady in my mind as we slowly heal enough to move. When I know I can stand, I lean heavily against a discarded wooden table and pull apart my ruined tank top to look at the damage left by the silver. Seeing several unhealing gashes and words inscribed crudely into my flesh, I pull them tighter - thankful that I’d managed to remove my sapphire jean jacket - and stumble down the servant’s passages until I come to a damp, mildewed shower room that, to my knowledge, no one else used. There I strip off what’s left of my ruined clothes and stick them in a waste paper basket, tying the plastic around the clothes.

From there, I turn on the rusted shower head and wait until the discoloured water drips down. Toned red with rust, I contemplate going elsewhere, but when I hear movement outside, I decide against it and shut the door, turning the faulty lock over until it clicks into place. Washing mechanically under the cold water, I see the water run red, then pink and finally clear as the crusted blood is washed off. Feeling through my damp hair, I can see that most of it has grown back to its normal length since they’d left it alone after starting with the silver and wolfsbane. Washing it as fast as possible, I step out of the water and shut it off, listening to the monotonous dripping sound as it hits the cracked marble floor.

Sighing, I towel dry my hair roughly with the threadbare towel and hang it over another old, creaky, radiator that won’t dry it for hours, resolving to check on it later when I’m able to slip away. Opening the cupboard set on the opposite wall, I dig out a matching black tank top and leggings, stopping long enough to also find a form-fitting black sweater to hide my arms. Tying my hair back, I step out of the room and slip up the passages to my room where the room is suspiciously open.

Holding my breath, I walk in slowly, closing the door softly behind me, and look to see if anything seems to be missing. No identifiable scents remain in the room, but that doesn’t mean that someone hadn’t been in there before, and I’d been passed out, so I was not able to stop them. But on checking, nothing seems to be missing. Luckily. Rolling my eyes, I find my old, beaten up iPhone 6 and headphones looped around - probably left there since my last time doing chores. So yesterday. Or the day before.

Smiling to myself for no reason I can fathom, I plug the headphones in and press play, the familiarly haunting vocals of my favorite artist, Teflon Sega, fills my ears and causes my smile to widen as I slip back out of the room and start down the corridor towards my work for the next few hours. The music keeps me going. I duck into a room I know I should have cleaned yesterday and turn the volume up until it’s all I can hear, and I can’t even hear the outside world or my doubts. Needing the detachment from what’s going on to be able to deal with it.

Hours later, I’ve not only completed all of yesterday’s undone chores, as well as a good portion of today’s, but I haven’t seen any of my tormentors since they left me in that basement room last night. Come to think of it, I haven't seen anyone. At all. Frowning, I look down at my phone to see that the time reads not long after midday and wonder if they’re all still asleep after being awake half the night torturing me.

But no. My next room to clean is Faline’s and I walked right in without even knocking - not that the door was closed, mind you. But it’s empty of its occupant, so I don’t know where she’s gone. College may be, either that or to some hidden corner where she can get up to whatever she does with Christian Jasper when she thinks others aren’t looking. Her brother’s just as bad with Belvine - if not worse. And they call me the slut. Pot calling the kettle black, Luna seethes, her ear flattened against her head. But that just makes me laugh.

Luna laughs with me, but something still feels wrong inside me. Like something’s missing. Or like I’m missing myself. Some core part of me that I need to survive has been snuffed out like a fragile candle flame. At this thought, Luna quietens, a somber feeling passing between us. Reckon we’ll ever feel normal? I ask her cautiously, not sure if I truly want to hear her answer.

But the one she replays to me is my mom’s. One I haven’t heard in years. You’re not normal Leila Rose Briar. You’re not normal because you’re destined to be someone special, to do something special. No, that’s not my mother. It’s.. Lunae’s voice. Speaking directly to me. Lunae, the Moon Goddess of Wolves. Trust in others, but mostly in yourself, daughter. You are more special than you’ll ever know.

Will it always be this hard? I think to her when the Goddess’s voice disappears inside me. Irrational loneliness swallows me until I see a shadow on the opposite side of Faline’s room. Tall and shapely, this woman’s silhouette seems eternally young yet old and wise simultaneously. Long dark hair like a hunter’s moon descends her back interwoven with locks of the fairest blonde - so light it almost looks silver. Her eyes look like twin moonstones and are set into a complexion that looks so fair it’s almost translucent white. Dressed simply, she’s in a strapless and backless gown that looks like her body’s been dipped in stars.

Hello daughter. Lunae’s voice is soft and melodic, like a shooting star or bubbling brook. A comforting sound that soothes me after the damage inflicted by others the previous nights. Did others of my children do this to you, Leila? Lunae’s voice sounds infinitely sad, and I want to say no, that I did it to myself, but it occurs to me that I shouldn’t lie. I am sorry, my child. Lunae’s compassion is so like that of my mother that I find tears brimming in my eyes. And I am sorry for you too, Luna, Lunae addressed my wolf and I see her bowing respectfully in my mind to a wolf of silvery-blonde and deep black-colored fur with eyes like moonstones. You have a difficult path ahead of you, Leila.

Lunae’s voice startles me and I look up at her with tearful eyes. “Why? Why is it so hard?” I ask her in a shaky voice. “What else can happen that would be worse than the abuse I suffer here at the hands of those who I call family?” My eyes don’t leave Lunae’s and I see a small smile crossing her face. “What’s so funny?” I ask, careful to keep my tone respectful since I was in the presence of my Goddess.

Your mate asked me the same with his mind when I last saw him. Seems the two of you are more alike than I’d known. Not wanting to seem disrespectful, I try to suppress the sarcastic snort that threatens to escape me. I don’t speak of what happened last night, child, understand that. Lunae’s voice snaps me out of my distracted state of mind and I look at her intently, a small frown forming between my eyes. What does she mean? If whoever it was last night wasn’t my mate, then who is? Time, daughter. Lunae’s voice is calm, compassionate. You will know in time.

Sounds like you’ve said that before. I think to her and I see the Goddess’s smile widen fractionally, her entire face radiant with light. Can you promise me it will get better though? I risk asking, waiting to hear her answer.

Lunae watches me with a contemplative frown that I know I’ve seen on both my brothers and best friend’s faces when I ask an impossible question. But somehow Lunae has an answer. I promise it will get better, Leila, but it will also get worse, since with great love comes great pain. I’m about to ask her what she means when both Luna and I are engulfed in a vision. Of our future.

I can see the outline of a figure hidden behind a group of shadows. And even though I can’t see his face, I have another unbidden thought - like when I’d seen the expression of the figure in the river the other day. Golden eyes like a candle flame or expensive jewel and dark black hair. Black as midnight. Olive skin and royal. How did I know that? I try to figure out the figure but also notice when Luna pads over from by my side towards a wolf shrouded in the same shadows.

Next to the figure that I still can’t see properly, the wolf steps fully into view and I see that its fur could give midnight a run for its money, since the fur on it is such a deep black I can almost see highlighted hues of blue and purple in its glossiness. Gold markings disrupt the dark fur on its back and the wolf’s eyes are the same colour.

The same black and gold as the features you keep thinking about. Luna whispers to me and I offer her a small smile, a giddy feeling of elation racing through me when the hidden figure steps out enough that I can make out his golden eyes and smiling mouth. Holy hell, he’s hot. Luna’s excited fangirling seems to make the figure smile wider and my heart beats in double time when our eyes meet, all humor draining from the situation. Luna seems to mark the shift since she scrutinizes the midnight and gold wolf harder before she whines once, a single word understandable. Mate, mate, Mate, Mate, MATE! MATE! MATE! The more she says it the more hyper her pitch becomes until - to me - she sounds like a kid on a sugar high.

The figure steps forward, and my eyes are pulled back to him. “Sorry about her, she’s gone a little crazy,” I whisper, motioning to my wolf who now looks like she’s trying to chase her tail like a f*****g labrador, not a wolf. “She seems to have gone a little mental around the black wolf.” An unreadable emotion passes over the other figure’s face and something clicks with me, “Is.. he yours?”

The other figure laughs and looks over at the black and gold wolf currently snuggling down with Luna, licking her sores from before. “Yea, his name’s Storm.” I raise a brow at that, but the figure holds up his hands. “I didn’t name him, he came to me with that name already pre-programmed in.” He watches my wolf where she’s snuggling into his with a comfortable familiarity that I envy. “What’s yours called?” I give him an incredulous look, but he just laughs, the sound like music to my ears. “Come on, it's only fair since you know about Storm.” He gives me a look and I find myself smiling, laughing. Something I haven’t done with anyone outside my immediate family and Lux for almost seven years. “Well, do I get to know or not?”

I laugh softly, covering my mouth with my hand and looking at him over it. “Yea, sure. I’ll tell you.” The words surprise me, but I just follow my instincts, letting them guide me. “Her name’s Luna.” At the sound of her name, Luna looks at me, but I just shake my head at her and look back at the male who stood opposite me with, what I presume to be, a mirror of my previous expression. Remembering his reaction to me, I shake my head and raise my hands in surrender. “Also, didn’t name her. She was already named. Before you ask.”

He just laughs.

And then Lunae stops whatever vision we’d been having and I blink. “Is he our mate?” I broach the question carefully, not sure if I’m ready to hear the answer. But Lunae just smiles and looks at me with a beatific smile that doesn’t exactly answer my question with a yes or a no. But I also get the feeling that she isn’t going to supply a definitive answer. At least not yet. “But it gets better, right?”

Lunae just smiles and steps closer until she draws me into a hug. Expecting to pass through her like a shadow, I inhale in shock when I meet solid resistance, her scent of wild nights under the moon enfolding me in a mother’s hug. And the feeling is something I’ve missed in the time since my parents died and the pack decided that I was responsible for what happened to them. But it’s more than that. Lunae’s touch seems to sear away some of the lingering pain from the silver and wolfsbane inflictions as well as the claw, fang and other injuries that still dot me from head to toe.

“Th-thanks Lunae,” I whisper into her shoulder, using her dark hair to hide my tears so no one else can see how much I hurt. Am still hurting. “Thank you for everything. Thank you for letting me see that, whatever it means.”

In time, daughter, in time you will know what it all means. Lunae says her soft voice sounds pretty and compelling but nowhere near the musical sound I’d heard from my vision companion. Lunae hugs me again, but this time I can feel myself drifting into unconsciousness - somehow knowing that my chores are all done - and the last thing I hear from her follows me as I fade to black: trust in others, your instincts, family, pack and Luna, as to trust in them is to trust in yourself. And in your true destiny.