Roses & Bullets

V. The Past

ERIK

It feels so f*****g uncomfortable. I can't sit still in my chair. I keep tapping my foot on the floor, and I can't stop looking at my watch.

It says 1:10 PM.

"It's only been ten minutes, Erik. You need to relax. Take a deep breath."

Dr. Alex Marshall, who looks so kind, sits across from me. He's in his sixties, wears glasses, and his hair is mostly gray. He kind of reminds me of my father.

"I can't..." I say through gritted teeth.

"Yes, you can. Just inhale, then exhale."

Gripping the armrest of my chair, I do what he just told me to do. How hard can it be? I try my best to breathe normally.

"Would you like a glass of water?"

"No, thank you."

"Would you be more comfortable if you lie down on the couch?"

I glance over to where the couch is. It doesn't look comfortable.

"No."

"Okay. Tell me about your dreams, Erik."

"My dreams? You mean my f*****g nightmares." I can't even hide the sarcasm in my voice.

"Yes, your nightmares. Tell me about them. When did they start?"

"As soon as I got back home. Or maybe a few weeks after that. I'm not sure, and I don't exactly remember."

"You mean almost two years ago?" asks Dr. Marshall while scribbling something in his notebook.

"Yes, I think. As I said, I'm not sure."

"In your dream, were you watching from above, were you standing next to yourself.."

"No, no, not like that. It's like I'm experiencing all the things that happened to me all over again. It's from my point of view, and everything felt so real."

"I see. And what happens in your dream, Erik?"

My body instantly becomes rigid. I can feel my throat tightening.

"It's okay. Take your time."

I can't speak. I just can't f*****g bring myself to talk about my fallen comrades. Everything's my fault.

I close my eyes for a moment and struggle to think of the faces of my brothers. All I can see is chaos. I can see the RPG as it hit our convoy.

I can hear the screaming of the people as they try to run away. I can see the bloody faces of my brothers as they tried to fight even when all hope was lost. And the most f****d up of it all is that I can see the wall of the room where the terrorists had kept me.

Those f*****g years in captivity...

"Maybe this was a mistake. I'm sorry for wasting your time, Dr. Marshall." I get up and turn away to leave.

"Erik, please sit down."

I hesitate for a moment, but then I sit back down.

"Okay. Let's talk about your dreams later."

Thank god. I'm not ready to talk about my dreams. Not just yet.

"Why did you join the Navy SEALs?"

"I guess because everyone was doing it. At that time, most young men my age just couldn't wait to enlist. They said they wanted to serve their country."

I pause, roll my eyes, and then continue, "What a load of crap. I think they just wanted to have something to brag about."

"Hmm. Was that your only reason?"

"Well, at first, yes. I was young, and I never thought of doing anything for our country, really. You may call it selfish, but that's the truth."

Dr. Marshall stares at me, his eyebrows furrowed. I wonder what exactly he's thinking.

"I did it for my father," I finally say. "I wanted to make him proud."

"I'm sure he is proud of you."

I ignore his remark. I'm not sure why, though.

"And then?"

"And then I enlisted. Of course, my mom disapproved. She said there were a hundred things that I could be doing, so why would I want to endanger my life?"

I chuckle, remembering my mother's desperate efforts to stop me from enlisting. "I'm an only child, you see."

"Yes. She could not bear the thought of losing you or being away from you."

"There's that, yes. She is kind of clingy but in a loving way." Talking about my mother makes me smile.

"What happened next?" Dr. Marshall inquires.

"She eventually gave in. My father convinced her that I was doing the right thing and that they should be proud of me. So, to make it short, I enlisted, we exchanged our goodbyes, and then I left."

Dr. Marshall doesn't speak. He's waiting for me to continue my story.

"I was deployed to Pakistan in 2007. I was a sniper. Our team was ordered to capture or kill a man we believed to be one of Bin Laden's commanders.

So, after months of gathering intel, we executed our plan. There were eight of us, so we went to the target place in a convoy. I didn't know how it happened, but they knew we were coming.

Didn't I, really?

Some of the civilians were loyal to them, you see. They hated us, Americans, I mean. So maybe that's how they knew.

Anyway, we were near the mountains when our vehicles were hit by an RPG. It was a blur after that.

Everything happened so fast. People were running in all directions.

Four of our men were immediately killed, and two were wounded.

I only got some scratches since the vehicle in front of us took the hit. So, Scotty, the one driving, was able to swerve, and then we hit a tree. We immediately got out of the vehicle to return fire.

There were like, fifty of them and only four of us. I remember thinking, f**k, we are all going to die. I'm going to die in a foreign land, and I'll never see my parents again.

And then I realized that I was bleeding. That's when I felt the hot, searing pain in my right shoulder. I was shot, but that did not stop me from firing.

I tried hiding behind a boulder. Then, I saw Scotty crawling towards me. His face was bloody. He must have hit his head when we crashed into the tree.

He was also shot in the abdomen. He told me that we needed to call for backup. I told him that even if we managed to call for backup, we'd all probably be dead by the time they arrived.

I told him that we should retreat. Before he could answer.."

"Go on, Erik," Dr. Marshall urges.

"Before he could answer, he was shot in the head." My tears are falling as I try so hard to continue speaking. "I saw Jessy's body sprawled on the floor, and he was not moving anymore.

The other remaining soldier, Alan, he wouldn't give up. I saw him sitting down with his back against another boulder. He was shot multiple times, but he still managed to kill some of the terrorists from his position.

When he ran out of bullets, they gathered around him. They were mocking him. I'm sure of it because they were laughing.

He looked in my direction and then looked at the man in front of him. You know what he said?"

"What did he say?"

"The only easy day was yesterday."

And then, neither of us speaks for a moment. The silence in the air is so thick that I can taste it in my mouth.

"And then what happened?"

"And then the man in front of him slowly slit his throat. Alan struggled a little, and then he stopped moving. Maybe you're wondering why I didn't do anything.

I was frozen in my spot. I just witnessed how my brothers died. When I came to my senses, I started firing again, but, of course, it wasn't long before I ran out of bullets.

It was a f*****g bloodbath. And that's when they took me."

Again, it's after a few minutes before I continue speaking.

"They're fucking..." I can’t even finish my sentence.

"I understand-" Dr. Marshall is about to say, but I interrupt him.

"Do you? Have you tried firing a gun, Dr. Marshall?"

"No."

"How about throwing a grenade?"

"No."

"Have you killed a man?"

This time, Dr. Marshall doesn't answer. He just looks at me with sad eyes.

"Have you seen a man die? Have you experienced being electrocuted? Or being starved for days?

Have you experienced being punched in the gut while your mouth was gagged? Do you know what it feels like to have someone use your chest as an ashtray?"

"No, Erik I-"

"Then you couldn't possibly understand, could you?!"

I don't realize that I'm standing and shouting.

"I'm sorry." I comb my hand through my hair and wipe the tears on my face. "I should go."

I walk towards the door, but Dr. Marshall makes one last effort to make me stay. At this point, I just don't give a damn anymore.

"Erik, I'm here to help you. Let me help you."

I stop. I turn to face Dr. Marshall and say, "You can't help me. No one can".