LOVES NOT IN HER DICTIONARY

AMBIVALENCE

The recollection of one of my all-time favorite country by CLINT BLACK collaborations "A BAD GOOD BYE". The very depiction of how I felt explicitly in words played in memory. Initially it was only a random tune I enjoyed of the country genre. Today I finally understand the words, the composition, substantially even the lucid emotions within the song which I was blinded to.

I've been bound to leave you

we've known that for a while

I am sure it something I can do

if I can't leave you with a smile

I don't know how far I'll have to go

Till am sure those eyes won't cry

And in my mind I have lived enough to know

I can't leave you with a bad good bye

Goodbye! easier said than done

Goodbye! there is no good when you are the one

whose goodbye! you swore

will never come and then my goodbye you finding now

I am still bound to leave you

I surely don't know how

My heart won't let me put you through

what my mind says should have been there

I don't know where we'll go from here

there may be no way to fly and the clouds am in just makes it all too clear

that I can't leave you with a bad , goodbye

Goodbye! Easier said than done

Goodbye! There is no good when you are the one, whose goodbye you swore will never come and now it my goodbye you finding out

how can we be so far between when we have one more chance and anyway I look I have only seen that, I can't leave you with a bad goodbye

She didn't know when her two hands , with intertwined fingers ended up capping her head in the likeness of the straw hats of thailand rice farmers. To them the hat was a shade from the burning sun. To her? the gesture was symbolic of a great lose. Truly she had encountered a great lose in 'farewell'. That was about the third or fourth emotional rollercoaster she went through and exposed herself too, all the reactions picture perfect on her feature played one after the other. which was noticed by Mansa whose eye were on her like a hawk all the while strategically. She has not turned fully to gawk at me instead was making use of the drivers rear-view mirror by converting it into a spy mirror. She inquired

" Jennifer! Are you sure you are really kk?"

I could only nod to assure her get off my back. Deep down I was not. I was falling apart miserably. Missing him blended in with the fear of the future.

I had succeeded in achieving my aim of finding out 'How' I got knocked up full, due to my negligence or should I say forgetfulness? when did I even became that non-attentive in the first place? I just can't believe I could be this stupid! Love! ooh... love! why contrive to bring me pain! Either way, I am carrying a child inside me.

Now that I am aware of how this mess up occured, what do I do? I mean, how do I go about this? I don't know whether to tell him or just abort this baby to keep this on the wrap and move on; like it never happened in the first instance.

Although that would save me a whole lot of stress. I could never! ever! look him in those refulgent brown beautiful eyes ever! again; knowing correctly, I killed a part of him. without even giving him an opportunity to know. That is not love? it is selfishness! absolute wickedness for that matter! A trait , I know I don't posses. I could be all other things but not that? 'She lets out carbon dioxide for a protracted time frame;

further sinking into the back seat of the taxi as if to evade a familiar pedestrian she would rather avoid than to share pleasantries with.

"We are almost home would you want to get something from the convenient shop at the main gate to the estate."

"No Mansa, I am fine."

"are you sure? you know you haven't had anything since morning today and it is not appropriate for your health in reference to the bbba!" she objected to her friend completing her persuasion ahead of her.

" will everybody f*****g stop! taunting me with this thing, before I end up doing something drastic?"

" sorry baby girl, I didn't mean it to come out that way. I am just worried about you, you know?

She only waves her hand to dismiss the inquisition, with her mind still in the mud.

"Chances are he'd deny responsibility. which for a fact, I know in a way it seems reasonable. But this time there is more to the situation than meet the ordinary eye. which demon did I wrong in an unpardonable manner and in which way did I even do that? for the entity to punish me like this?

My prayer is he never thinks in the slightest that I cheated on him. That would kill me! clenching her chest, 'And you think it would not leave him in a state of debris? after he gets to know!? You've killed his flesh without considering his opinion!?' my conscience fired back without a taint of pity'. she was torn between two indecisions, her head was heavy without a set load on it.

The taxi came to a halt in front of Jennifer's two bedroom apartment. it was a semi detached old town house. Demolished,rebuilt and modeled to suite the modern taste of the time by her father, after he purchased the property.

The main gates which was previously made out of wood, was now a specially, automated welded bronze, flower petal spread in a spider web border. Few meters from the main magnificent entrance, was the double layered, tainted bullet prove glass, sensory engineered door.

A luxury only a select few of the aristocrats in the country could afford. Ten steps from the machanised glass door led you directly into the dining area at the end of the corridor, situated on the immediate left was the island kitchen set up facing the dining. Along the corridor to the kitchen/eating area retracing once steps, was also on the left side the visitors/ sitting chamber. upon entry had a well maintained beautiful therapeutic naturistic garden of flowers mixed with beneficial herbs, three straw woven garden chairs, accompanied by petit side tables spread bare before you. Which could also serve as a sitting area dependent on choice. whether one wanted an enclosed ambient or the feeling of being surrounded by nature' separated by a re-enforced transparent slide glass door. Adjacent is the passage leading to the two en-suite bedrooms, directly opposite these two doors was the visitors washroom. she rarely made use of that room yet it was always kept clean. Actually Mansa stayed in the other room when she felt like escaping home or wanted to keep her company.

They alighted from the vehicle at their destination. Mansa paid the driver, whiles Jennifer made her way inside the house through the heavy, uniquely customised precast , bronze sun flower petals in a web design, welded automatic sensory gliding gates absent mindedly, walking briskly past the security guard which was unlike her to the surprise of the guard. She'd walk to security post or call the security guard to check on him, chit-chat also make her presence in the house known when coming in and her absence registered when exiting. In addition to orders not forgetting item 13, normally in a form of cash occasionally. The man tried to draw her attention by calling out to her but couldn't reach her because of her State of mind.

" Small Madam! Small Madam!! Sis Jenn! Aaaah! what is wrong with aunty Jenn now? She was in a good mood when she was going out few hours ago? I wonder what is wrong with her now. All these rich kids eeeh! Mweeeetch! 'hissing'.... this one that I was waiting for her to come back for me to colonize her for some coins to buy my 'komi ke kena'- maize meal and fried fish'. Who vex her kraaa!?(who even pissed her off) and ended up pouring sand in my gari.' as in foil his plans. He made a turnaround in disappointment to go back to his station in the compound when he realized the gates was making way to usher someone in, only for a cheerful smile to capture his face.

"Eeeeeeeeeiiigh! Aunty Mansa...you're welcome! it's been awhile you came to see us." his confidence in succeeding at his first failed colonization ' cohesion' to obtain his lunch was at an all-time high! because Mansa was no less than Jennifer in treating all the guards who were lucky enough to be placed at the bosses baby girls house as a friend. Not forgetting the extra benefits'tip'.

" Thanks Bobby! it is you here today. Hope you good? Yes! I have been a little busy of late". she responded with a warm smile.

" By grace oooh! Aunty I am blessed! pray your side has been peaceful as well? eeerheeeem! Aunty Mansa is small madam kk? She came in not long ago but it seems like somebody vex her oooh!?" showing concern on his feature.

Treat people beneath you with respect and kindness; you gian their alligience. With a comforting sunny face, she replied " small madam is fine, she is just not feeling well...Bob."

" oooh...kk! that is normal. I thought it was somebody disturbing her, you know we ever ready o show ooooh!(he was ready to go deal with the person disturbing small madam) ' jumping around with fisticuffs like a boxer in practice'. Does she have para? ( as in paracetamol) I have some I take for my small, small 'etipaye'(headache) in Two. Me nfa bra anaa? Should I go get it for you."

"aawwww! Daaaabi! ' no need' thanks dear we got that sorted out." She made a move for the door when Bobby the security guard commences swaying side to side as a child seeking sweets with a comical song which could be proclaimed as an old version of the modern day rendition of a renowned international Nigerian artist ' OBO Daviado's' "Money fall on you".

"My Kenky' another name for the maize meal' fall on you! eeerheeeem!, My lunch fall on you! Eeeheeeee!

cause you' re here to save!" He ended with a sweet adjectival name appraisal to smooth his way into achieving his target.

"Obaa akono fo! ' Beautiful sweet lady' anything for your boy? As he robs his left hand on his head whereas the right on his belly. if speech fails action will show ...lols!

Mansa could not resist the urge to burst out in laughter.

"Hahahahahahaha! Bobby you know you should be a comedian; I can assure you, you will garner alot of followers as well as riches.lols! You will not kill me in this house with laughter. let see how lucky you are today." she feels her hand in her designer leather bag drawing a bunch of fresh Ghana cedis notes without counting , handing it over to Bob.

At the touch of the notes he was on his knees uttering "yeeeeiiih! Yeeeeiiih!! Sika monu!? Me hemaa! 'Fresh notes!? My queen! God bless you wai!'kk'. May your enemies be put to shame in broad day light. Meti paa na ati sei? ' he has been absolutely blown away by her gesture.'

By the time he finished registering his pleasant gift, Mansa was already at the door. She still an uplifting mood, shaking her head incredibly amused.

Bob made his way to go for lunch singing accolades of himself walking with a comic swag. " This is me! yes Booooby-B! the cash king! 'komi ke kena'- here I come, wait for me. Today, I finish you! yaa mansa! wait and see if you don't accept my proposal with all this 'sika munu' fresh new note. Now let see how you reject me with this new enhancement? ' he was referring to the daughter of the Kenky' seller, he has been trying to woe to no avail. Aunty Mansa...wo ye guy ruff! 'heeerh! Aunty Mansa you are too much!'