4: Working out.. those repressed feelings
1610 Words
3 days later
*Zayn*
"Oh hi Kitty, I didn't know you were in here". I say smiling as I walk into the gym. Finding her stretching out on a mattress.
She sends me a smile. "Yeah Athena is down for her nap, so I thought I would get a bit of exercise in. Need to be watching out so I don't gain too much weight here".
"Oh don't be silly. There isn't a gram of fat in the wrong spot on your body". I tell her. The yoga pants and tight tank top is showing off her body in the best way. Yeah her hips are a bit rounder and her breast a bit fuller, than 11 years ago, but actually it suits her.
She smiles at me as I get on the treadmill, I need a good warm up before starting the real workout. "You always know just what to say right Zayn".
"Nah there actually is a lot of things I have no idea how to say". I start running. Like I don't know how to tell her how beautiful I think she is or the fact that I am desperately in love with her. All those feelings have flared up badly these last days, to a point where I have this constant dull pain in my chest.
So I put all of my energy into my work up, we start shooting in a couple of days, so this is the last chance of bulking on the last bits. And it helps keep all the thoughts in check.
And tomorrow Tyler is coming home and I have to watch them being all loved up and happy to see each other again. Why do I insist on torturing myself like this ? I must be some kind of masochist.
*Persephone*
I can't help watching Zayn as he is warming up. His body really is in top condition. I mean I have always found him attractive. He doesn't need this to be hot as hell, but I don't mind. Only trouble is that he is causing quite the stir in the neighbourhood. All the single women are suddenly finding reasons to visit me.
April has arranged a karaoke party here at my house, the day after Tomorrow, telling me we should celebrate Tyler coming home and Zayn starting on the movie.
I find myself trail of, it has been so great having Zayn here and I have realised how much I missed him and our talks. I love talking with him. He has a way with words and he knows so much about everything. Yesterday we just talked and talked till way past midnight.
He is also great with Athena and she loves him. I look at him, he really should get some kids. He clearly adores them and they always like him. He would make such a great father. But of course he needs the right woman for that.
Actually the idea that this is only for some time, that Zayn will be leaving again and when he does we will be back to talking on the phone and texting, only seeing each other a couple of times a year, it makes me sad. I am going to miss him so much.
I pull my legs up, folding my arms around them, as I watch him. Feeling something pull at me. Letting him stay here was such a bad idea. I should have known that. But stupidly I thought it had been so long, that seeing him, being with him every day would make me realise that it was just an idea I had built in my head. An idolisation, seeing him as something he couldn't live up to. Using him as an excuse when Tyler and I fought.
Remembering back when we first met, God I had been so taken with him, so in love. But Zayn had a girlfriend back then. And when he became single I was seeing someone. Someone that didn't matter. I actually knew that I could have had him back then, it was as easy as dumping the loser I was dating and telling Zayn about my feelings. But I got scared, I had a feeling that it wouldn't be light and casual, a knowledge that we would turn way too serious way too soon, and I simply chose not to act on it, fearing the intensity I knew was buried there.
Then Zayn was so busy and he started dating a new girl, a model and I felt I could never compete with that. So I kind of gave up, thinking he had moved on and that I blew my chance with him. I met Tyler and he sort of swept me off my feet. I never stopped loving Zayn though, we remained close friends and I settled for that, knowing that was all I would ever be to him. I had let my fear ruin it before it ever really started.
I watch as he does pull ups. Damn breathe woman, I mean it's just a man wearing shorts and a T-shirt doing pull ups. Put those biceps are straining the sleeves to a breaking point. And the shirt has the audacity to have slipped up, giving me a glimpse of his lower abs. No breathing right is pretty hard right now.
He is handsome and he is sexy, but that isn't the best part about him. No, the best part of him is his passion, his big warm heart and his glowing soul.
I had thought I was totally over him, that we were just friends and was how it was meant to be. Then last year I was not able to go to London, and suddenly missing him badly I decided to stream some panels from comic con with him.. And I was completely in awe of how incredible he was. The way he talks, the way he is with people is amazing.
Suddenly I found myself reading and watching everything I could find with him, feeling like some over excited fan girl. When I was talking to Zayn I had a hard time connecting the sweet and funny friend on the phone, with this man, this saint like, perfect guy I watched on tv.
I started thinking of him more and more. Even talking of him to an extent where Tyler got annoyed. Every time we fought, and we did that quite a lot, I was catching myself thinking that Zayn would never do that or say that. I had somehow managed to put him on a pedestal and I started to realise that if I wanted to save my relationship with Tyler, I needed to pull Zayn back down to earth, to see his flaws. So when he told me he was filming here I asked him to come stay.
Zayn has been here not even a week yet and I was starting to realise I have made a bad mistake. Having him here might have made me see his more human sides, his flaws. The downside to that was that being with Zayn again hadn't snuffed out anything.. quite the contrary.
I still love Tyler, I probably always will. And I have fought this last year for our relationship. Trying to do everything I thought would make him happy. After Athena was born our s*x life kind of dwindled. And we were down to 2-3 times a month, some months maybe only once. After I realised what I saw as my mental infidelity I started trying to please him as much as I could, trying to spark the flame, to get to passion and being in love back.
So my last resort for fixing it was getting Zayn out of my head and I knew I couldn't do that seeing him from afar, talking to him on the phone. I needed to spend time with him, to realise it was just a childish infatuation, me having a weird fangirl moment over my friend, it wasn't love.
But I wasn't sure any longer. Zayn had this weird tendency to make my heart beat frantically with the slightest touch and slow time down, by just being near. He makes me feel so special just by looking at me. That isn’t how a friend should make you feel.
"Is something wrong Kitty ? You seem to be in your own world there". A soft voice sounded right in front of me. I jump slightly. Then I accept Zayn's hand, letting him pull me to my feet.
I look up at him, putting on a smile. Trying to mask how I really feel. "No, nothing wrong. I was just thinking about things. Like how weird it is seeing you like this, remembering how you looked when we first met".
"So how weird". He asks softly, taking a step closer. I am not small, rather quite normal at 5'6, but next to him, especially in this shape, I feel absolutely tiny. "Like weird weird or good weird ?"
I suddenly realise how close we are standing. It makes me swallow nervously. I can feel the heat from his body, and he smells of fresh linen, spices and faintly of sweat, but in a good way. "Definitely good, weird".
"Kitty.. I..". His hand softly grabs my chin and my mind goes into a frenzy. His eyes locked with mine, showing a myriad of emotions. s**t he is going to kiss me. All I can think about right then is feeling those lips on mine.
He lowers his head, my lips parts in anticipation.. I feel his warm breath on my face..and then..
- Writer
