Hidden Lycan. (COMPLETE)

Chapter Fifty Four

I drug my feet on the way out, taking as much time as I could. I didn't want to go. Going would make it real. Going would solidify the fact that Lucas was gone, that he was never coming back. And despite the conversation my father and I had, I still had little hope. 

"Fallon, we have to do this." Eli whispered sadly. 

"I don't want to." I cried, shaking my head. I looked up at him, his face blurring through my tears. "I can't Eli. Going means this is real. Going means he is really gone." My voice cracked as I spoke. Pain flashed across Eli's features at seeing me. And that's exactly why I stayed locked in my room. I knew them seeing me like this would hurt them. They couldn't feel me, I had the bond securely locked from my side. But they could see me, and sometimes I think that's worse. 

"We'll all be with you." Steel said, his voice strained as he came up beside me. "We won't leave you." He promised. 

"No." I screamed, pulling away from them. "Don't do that. Don't say that." I stared angrily at all four of them through my tears. "Don't make promises you can't keep. Lucas promised me. Over and over he promised me he wouldn't leave me. He promised he would stay with me. But he didn't, he left. He left me. So don't. Please." I finished brokenly. "Don't make promises you don't know you can keep." 

They all looked at each other sadly. They all looked so lost on what to do. I knew how they felt, because I was lost. I didn't know who I was anymore or what I should do. I didn't know where or how to go from here or if I even wanted to. 

But right now. Just for now, I had to lock it down as best I could. I had to act like I was okay, like I was coping. Not for me, and certainly not for anyone else at Lucas's funeral. But for my men. They needed me to be strong right now. Be strong for them here and now. I could break down again later when I was alone in my room. "Let's go." I whispered, giving them a small half smile, that probably looked more like a grimace, but it was the best I could muster at the moment. 

When we got to where we were going I was stunned. Here on the property was a private cemetery I didn't even know about. There were only five headstones here, with a sixth freshly added. A sob broke from my throat when I realized they took my suggestion to heart. I asked for Lucas's head stone to be in the shape of his wolf, carved as if he were howling at the moon. 

Fresh tears spilled over as I shakily ran my fingers over the stone wolf. He was so delicately and meticulously carved and colored that my heart shattered at the resemblance to Lucas's wolf. It wasn't hard because Lucas's wolf was grey, but this was so much beyond that. This looked like they went back in time and froze time to bring him back. I looked down to read the words that were carved just below the wolf's paws.

To the goddess we entrust our brother, our friend, our, son, our mate and part of our heart. May he run under the moon with the goddess until we meet again.

I dropped to my knees in front of the stone wolf and just stared up at it, wishing it would move. Eli being Lucas's alpha spoke, leading the services, but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. Everything turned to static in the back ground as I stared up at the wolf and cried. 

I didn't notice when people started to leave until a hand landed on my shoulder. I looked up and saw Xavier looking down at me sadly "Are you ready to go?" He asked. I shook my head turning away from him and back to the wolf in front of me. I heard Xavier sigh, then his foot steps as he walked away. 

I fingered the loose dirt beneath me, letting it fall through my fingers back onto the freshly covered mound. He was here. Under all of this dirt, rocks and grass was my Lucas. I bet he looked like he was sleeping, like he was just waiting to be woken up. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't wake up ever again. 

I lay down below the wolf and on top of where Lucas lay, curling into a small ball as sobs wracked my body. No one was here to see me, no one was around to see me fall apart and break so completely so why not? Why not let myself shatter? Why not let myself fall further than I already have? 

Strong arms picked me up and put me in their lap as they rocked me back and forth, their hand stroking up and down my back softly as he kissed my head. I didn't push him away this time, I didn't fight. I clung to him. Clutching onto his shirt and burying my face into his chest as I fell apart. The scent of pine and cider filling my senses as I broke down. 

"I'm so...sorry." I hiccuped. "I...I tri..tried to...to be strong for yo...you, for...th...them." I stammered through my sobs. 

"Fallon, look at me." Steel urged. I did as he asked, turning my face up to look into his teal eyes. "None of us expects you to be strong for us. Break down, cry, scream, get mad. Hell punch something. But please. Please." He pleaded wiping tears from my cheeks and pushing stray hair behind my ear. "Please stop pushing us away." 

The pain in his eyes broke my already broken heart even more. My father was right. I had been hurting them. I was in so much pain, my mind breaking down that I couldn't think straight. But I see it now. Steel was hurting, and not just because of Lucas. The pain in his eyes as he looked at me was for me, for what I was feeling and going through. "I'm sorry." I whispered

"No little wolf. You have no reason to be sorry." He said kissing the top of my head. "You lost someone you love dearly. You have every right to break down. I'll be right here. I'll hold you, and squeeze you and kiss you and rock you. I'll do anything you need me to do that'll help." He whispered into my hair. 

"Thank you Steel." I said. "I'm glad you came back for me." I nuzzled back into his chest and sighed. I felt the weight of everything start to weigh down on me all at once and I sighed, my eyes fluttering closed. I felt my body go weightless in Steels arms as darkness consumed me.