The Man I Was Not Supposed to Love

A Journey Back to Where I Lost My Self-esteem

“Wake up, Irene!”

I squinted my eyes as I heard my mom shout so early in the morning. I can feel her pulling the blanket that is wrapping my body. Ah, not now! My body refuses to follow what I am told to do but my mind is fighting over it. Of course, mom would not allow me to disobey her early in the morning. Again, I cannot do anything at this point but sigh. Forcing my eyes to open wide, I slowly sat down on the bed.

“Ah, how lousy!” Mom yelled as she threw me a disgusting look.

I remained silent as I swallowed hard. I have gotten used to how she treats me. When I was younger, I always questioned the way she talked and dealt with me. There were numerous times when I questioned if I was a real daughter or not. As I grew up and realized that she won’t change no matter what happens, I started to accept the way she treats me, as if becoming numb to her hurtful words. Now, those words have no weight on me anymore. I shook my head as I went down from my bed and walked towards the washroom.

“Good morning, mom,” I whispered when I passed by her and then kissed her left cheek. I walked towards the bathroom and took a bath without waiting for her response. For sure, she is rolling her eyes right now. She must have hated that I kissed her with my morning smell.

I walked out of the room and found Lanie standing beside my bed. Mom is nowhere to be found. I sighed. Thank heaven!

“Good morning, My Lady,” Lanie greeted as she bowed her head. “Please put this dress on. Marquise Roman told me to tell you to go down to the dining room after wearing this.”

I frowned as I examined the dress extended by Lanie. Why is this dress so chic? I am not going anywhere with this, am I? Why is mom suddenly changing my dress? For years, she allowed me to wear whatever I wanted. What is she planning? I shook my head but took the dress anyway.

“I’ll follow you downstairs, Lanie,” I answered. “Thank you so much.”

Lanie bowed her head then walked towards the door. After she closed the door, I looked at the dress in my hand. Mom must be planning something, right? After all, she won’t meddle with my lifestyle if she does not have any motive at all. I wore the dress and appeared as required anyway.

“Good morning, dad, mom,” I said as I saw them sitting on the dining table.

I noticed my dad’s appearance as he saw me wearing the dress that mom gave me. On the other hand, my mom was grinning from ear to ear as her eyes traveled from my head to my feet. I turned my face away, embarrassed at the reactions that I was getting from my parents, at the same time as the servants who were staring at me with jaws dropped. Did this dress really change the way I look that they are overacting like this? I shook my head. How embarrassing!

I sat down at the table beside my mother and ate my breakfast silently. No one dared to talk as we finished our meals. However, my father’s stares at my mom’s eyes didn’t pass unnoticed. Many times, I saw him looking at me, frowning, then looking at mom. His gazes seem to have meanings that I cannot understand. What is going on with these two? They have been behaving strangely for the past few days already. Although I have been maintaining my silence, it doesn’t mean that I don’t notice anything. I just choose to be quiet.

“My love,” Mom finally broke the silence after we finished our food. “I need to take Irene out of the castle today.”

Dad looked at us with surprise.

“Is there anything I don’t know, Wilhelmina?” he asked mom.

“No!” mom answered immediately. “Of course, none! I just want our daughter to be friends with the daughters of Marquess and Marquise Aran of Bardale. After all, Marquise Aran invited us for tea.”

“Today?” Dad asked as he frowned.

“Uh-huh,” Mom answered while nodding her head.

I remained silent as I watched them. Anyway, all I could do is to follow whatever they say. That has always been the case.

“Well, if that’s what you want to do,” Dad said at the end.

After breakfast, Mom and I walked towards the carriage that would take us to the neighboring land, Bardale. I remained silent, allowing her to just lead me where she wanted. Who knows if she can learn to love and accept me for who I am? It’s not too late to please her, isn’t it?

We traveled for more than an hour until we reached a familiar place for me, the castle, which caused my lack of self-confidence. I closed my eyes as I recalled that incident years back. It was just the same tea party as this and I was just twelve years old.

“Is that your daughter, Wilhelmina?” Marquise Aran asked as she looked at me with a frown on her face. “She sure looks different from you. What a pity that she didn’t inherit your beauty.”

Mom just sighed at that comment made by me. She stared at my face and then shook her head. I was surprised then that my own mother agreed with the comment made against me, her daughter. She didn’t even try to defend me. I wanted to cry but I knew that I would just keep on embarrassing her if I did, so I tried to hold my tears back as I bowed my head down and pitied myself for being me.

“Make sure that you won’t embarrass me in front of the Arans again, Irene,” Mom warned.

That cut my reminiscence. I nodded my head silently.

“And we have a very important visitor at the Aran house today. Make sure to not commit anything that could cause the Roman’s name a disgrace. For once, do your best to be pleasing before other people’s eyes.”