Jordan: The Rogue Alpha

Chapter 5 - Grief

#musicvibe - Phoenix, Molly Sandén

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Jordan POV

It felt like I had an out of body experience.

Like everything that was happening, was actually happening to someone else and I was just some uncomfortable fly on the wall, watching it all unfold.

I was staring blankly at the floor while Avery was curled up in my lap, still sobbing.

Anger clawed at me, urging me to kick my father’s ass. I knew that he was at fault for this. If he hadn’t been so hard on Carly and just accepted her the way she was, she would never have done the unthinkable.

But at the same time, guilt threatened to swallow me whole. I promised to protect her. I promised not to leave her out of my sight.

I promised her, and I broke it.

Maybe I was at fault too?

I absentmindedly caressed Avery’s hair while my father watched us.

“You need to start packing, Jordan.” He said softly.

I glared at him.

“My sister died yesterday, and you want to send me away to Alpha training right away.” I snarled.

I put Avery down on the couch beside me and walked up to him.

“Are you even upset that she’s gone?” I asked while he stared back at me.

“You don’t get to talk like that to me.” He growled. “I am your Alpha.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah you are.” I replied and backed away. “Your precious Alpha title is so important to you that it means more than your family. You would sacrifice us all in a heartbeat if it meant that you could keep your title.”

Before he could reply, I stormed off to my room and slammed the door shut.

I wanted to hit something, really hard. My body was trembling with rage and grief and I kicked my bed before slumping down on it. Tears burned my eyes and I felt like I was choking.

A knock at the door startled me and I quickly turned my face away when I saw Avery come in. I didn’t want her to see me breaking down. She was only eight and it felt like she had to grow up all too fast anyway with everything that had been going on with my father.

She didn’t say anything. She just wrapped her small arms around me and I pulled her closer to me when I saw her tear-stricken face.

“I don’t want you to go.” She whimpered.

I took a deep breath trying to contain my emotions and held her at arm’s length.

“I know.” I replied. “But I have to.”

I caressed her hair and hugged her tightly.

“Maybe once I’m Alpha, I can change things.” I whispered. “No pack member should ever have to suffer. All pack members add something to the pack, and no one should ever suffer so much that they hurt themselves like Carly did, okay?”

Avery nodded and determination started to light up her eyes.

“You should kick their asses.” She snickered through her tears.

I chuckled too.

“Will you help me pack?” I asked.

Avery nodded and I pulled out my bag to start packing up my things. The whole time, it felt like something was squeezing my lungs and I had a lump in my throat that made it hard for me to breathe. I forced myself to take deep breaths and focus on my task. We worked in silence while Avery cried quietly. When I had zipped up the bag, I turned to her and hugged her tightly.

The rest of the night, Avery was very quiet and when dinner time came around, I decided to take our food to my room and we watched movies together in my bed. When it was time for Avery to go to sleep, my mom knocked on the door and opened it.

“Avery, go brush your teeth.” She said quietly.

Avery frowned like she wanted to protest, so I quickly asked her to do as she was told. After she left the room, my mom turned to me.

“I’m really sorry.” She whispered.

“No you’re not.” I replied coldly. “This is actually playing right into your hands.”

I got up from the bed and glared at her.

“I don’t want to hear your excuses.” I said. “I don’t believe a single word of it anyway. If you had treated Carly better, she would still be here.”

My voice broke and I cleared my throat while my mother’s eyes filled with tears.

“All you can do now, is to make sure that Avery is safe.” I continued. “I’m going to come back, and if he has hurt her while I was away, I will challenge him. Wolf or not, I will kill him. He might be my Alpha, but he’s no father of mine.”

Mom nodded silently.

“I understand.” She croaked out. “I’m so sorry.”

I rolled my eyes and walked out of my room to go help Avery get to bed. Avery started crying again while I tucked her in, and I stayed with her until she had cried herself to sleep. My heart ached for her, and I hated that I would have to leave her behind here. She was eight years old and I didn’t want to leave her alone with my parents.

Once I closed Avery’s bedroom door, I went to my room, changed into some workout clothes and walked out.

“I’m going for a run.” I said curtly to my parents.

I didn't wait for a reply. Instead I ran out of the packhouse and sprinted into the forest. The feeling I kept bottled up inside me started pouring out as I ran, and I enjoyed every muscle in my body screaming in pain and exhaustion while I ran as fast as I could.

My breath caught in my throat when I came to the clearing where they had found her body. The sun was about to set, casting a dim reddish light on everything around me.

I couldn’t contain it anymore. After I made sure that there was no one around, I fell to my knees and cried.

I didn’t know how long I was there, but I cried until there were no tears left in me. When I had calmed down, I sat down with my back against a tree and hugged my knees.

“I’m sorry Carly.” I whispered. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you.”

I sniffled and wiped my tears with the back of my hand.

“I’m going to make it better.” I whispered. “I’m going to be a good Alpha. I’m gonna change the pack. I’m gonna change it so that if you were alive, you would have loved living here.”

I kissed my fingers and held them out into the air, like a small salute.

“I swear it.” I whispered. “I’m gonna make you proud, Carly.”

When I got up and jogged back to the packhouse, there was a new determination burning inside of me.

I was going to be the best Alpha I possibly could.

For Carly.