Having Her

Chapter 6

I was always fascinated by the stars. 

Maybe it was because of how scared I was of the darkness that I began taking comfort in anything that brightened it up at a very young age. Or the fact that I was only a kid when my mother left, and on the days I used to miss her too much, she asked me to look up at the stars and talk to them, and she'd listen. And being the innocent little girl that I was, dreaming about being a princess some day, I fell in love with the night sky despite being afraid of the dark, believing in getting lost in it until reality gripped over me again.

Today, however, the reality was too haunting to let myself get lost in the night sky and faded visions of galaxies over head. 

I couldn't bring myself to enjoy the New York skyline I loved so much, the waters beneath and the sky above. My heart paced and my mind was a messy web of wandering thoughts until I knew I couldn't live in the curiosity anymore. 

"Stop." I had said without caring of where we were, and sensing how lost I was, Jay actually stopped the car at the side of the bridge we were on. 

But I couldn't hold a conversation inside, not without feeling suffocated and frustrated, so I bolted outside immediately when the car halted, and my boyfriend followed, he leaned on the bonnet of his car watching me with emotions I couldn't collect, not when mine were all over the place too.

"Tell me," I told him, tearing my eyes from some surfing teenagers on the foot path to look at him. "And the truth, please."

He didn't beat around the push or try coaxing me with sugar-coated affirmations. Straight-up, he told me what I wanted to hear. Or what I didn't want to hear, actually: "Caleb is my brother."

"Like... your distant cousin brother, right?" Hope. f*****g hope in my heart wishing I was understanding the situation wrong when in-real, a part of me knew and dreaded the truth since we drove from my mother's house when Caleb referred to Jay as 'brother' and Jay stiffened.

"No, Daisy." Jay answered, his voice low and emphasising gently on each word as he pushed his black-rimmed glasses further up the bridge of his nose. "He's my brother by blood."

"Like biological?" I ask.

He nods.

"From the same parents?" I question again.

Reluctantly, he nods again, giving me a moment to process what I had just learnt.

"H- How?" That was all I could bring out of my lips. "Caleb... I know him, okay? I knew him since we were kids, and I know he doesn't have parents, much less a real biological brother."

"Caleb didn't know he had a brother when he was in school."

"And you knew?" I snapped, "How long have you known this for?"

"A couple years now." His voice was plain, blank.

"A couple years?" I gasp as I repeated his words in shock, looking away for a brief moment. "And you never told me?!"

"You disliked him, I couldn't give you a-"

"I disliked him because he was my ex!" I cut him off, my voice unintentionally loud. "And I told that to you the day I found out that you and Caleb are cousins. I told you that Caleb was my ex and that he broke my heart. I kept all cards on the table, Jay, and you told me that Caleb was a very distant cousin and that the two of you had met only for the first time in many, many years."

"Which was true!"

"Clearly not!" I shout back. And then, I retrace my step backwards, breathing deeply to calm myself down. Jay gives me a minute to do the same, to realise that we were in the middle of the road and the bypassers were beginning to look at us.

I look back at him only when I felt much more composed. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Do you not want to know anything about it?" He asked in disbelief, "About how I– we got to know that we're brothers."

"No, Jay," I reply in a plum voice, "But I want to know why you didn't tell me."

"Why does it even matter to you?"

"Why does it matter to me?!" I repeated, "It matters to me because it makes me a shitty person to date my ex-boyfriend's brother. Brother, damn it!"

He narrowed his eyes. "And it doesn't make you a shitty person to date his cousin?"

"No, Jay, it does not." I tell him, "Or you know what? Maybe it does. But I thought I was dating my ex-boyfriend's very distant relative cousin, someone he met for the first time in twenty eight years and would probably never see again if not because of me. At least that's how you told me it would go like."

"It was supposed to," Jay helplessly replied, "But I– I am sorry."

"I don't need an apology, Jay, really," I pause , "All I need is to know why you didn't tell me earlier.

"I was afraid, okay?" He says, "I was afraid you would react this way. That you wouldn't date me because I was Caleb's brother and-"

"You're right I wouldn't have dated my ex-boyfriend's brother," I say, my voice soft even as I cut him off. "And I hate the fact that you hid it from me, Jay. You just let our entire relationship be built on the foundation of a lie notwithstanding how I would feel when I get to know the truth. Or what Caleb would think of me, I'm dating his brother for f**k's sake."

"Stop." His voice was firm as he straightens up, "Stop making this about him, Dais. It is about me and it is about you. This is not about Caleb."

"It is," I tell him, gulping. "And you know what? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm thinking too much and reading between things and if I am, then I'm sorry already. But I can't just move past this and pretend that everything is alright between us. It clearly isn't."

"Are you more bothered by the fact that I hid the truth from you or that you are dating Caleb's brother?" Jay asked me.

I pursed my lips, not finding it in me to be able to answer him even though I knew what my answer was. At least I think I knew. I was mad at Jay, mad that he let our relationship build on lies but I think I was guiltier about dating Jay, Caleb's brother. 

Caleb was not just another ex for me. I loved him. He loved me. And it was supposed to end that way, except it didn't. And even then, he's someone I have known since I was nine. He is my twin brother's best-friend and Sia's constant, their best man. He was the first person that I truly ever gave my heart to, dated for years and even though we didn't end up on good notes, even though there was nothing between us today- no feelings, I knew I would have felt pretty used and betrayed if he had gone ahead and dated my sister. I don't have one, but hypothetically. 

I just knew I wouldn't have approved of that relation ever. 

And when Caleb saw me with Jay right now, he thought I knew. That I knew that Caleb and Jay were brothers and I still went ahead and dated my ex's brother.

I felt guilty even though I knew I wasn't obliged to. I felt shitty.

And maybe I was overreacting, but both these things together just made me madder at Jay.

"Silence, huh?" Jay chuckled to himself. "That's an answer."

"I can't- I can't get past this." I shake my head.

"So that's it? You hear that I'm Caleb's brother and you're ready to break up with me?" He raised his eyebrows. I just blinked my eyes at him helplessly. "And then you ask me why I didn't tell you earlier. Here Daisy, that's the reason."

"I am not breaking up with you, Jay." I gulp, barely being able to find my voice and the correct words to say, "I- I- I just think we should take a step back. I should take a step back. Think where we stand.. take some time. I- I need it. Please."

"I understand." He takes a reluctant step closer to me, his hands crossed across his chest. "Take all the time you like. I'm waiting for you, however long it takes."

He takes another step closer, his hands still to himself as he leans ahead and places a lingering kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes, not knowing if I should embrace him or curl away from his touch, standing my ground.

So I lie rooted on my place, letting him take a step back himself.

"I want to go home."

"I'll drop you," he replied, turning back to his car, "Get in."

Quietly, I do that, except I don't meet his eyes this time and no song playing on the radio in our short journey could fill in the haunting silence between us.

*

I was stupid. Going out with Jay, I had promised my mother I'd come to her place and be there in the morning when Aliyah wakes up, and didn't take the spare keys to the house. It was way past midnight, and everyone would be asleep, including the housemaids.

I considered going back to my place, but I didn't want to break my promise. That was one thing I didn't like doing.

That is how I found myself lurking by the pool house instead. The pool house was always unlocked, and it was small but comfortable- like a little studio apartment.

I could easily manage there for the night. 

I entered the pool house, and thankfully, the dim lights were already on. I was very scared of the darkness, and there was no way I was shutting the door of the pool house behind me without switching on the lights first. 

But since the dim ones were already switched on, I shut the door behind me, entering inside as I switched on all the other lights. 

For a person who slept only in pitch darkness, I did truly hate the dark.

Keeping my bag on the couch, I walked to the wardrobe to remove some bathrobes to take a shower, except when I turned, there was a flash light directed to my face.

I gasped in fear looking away and the blinding light was soon turned away, a familiar voice making it's way to me.

"Daisy?"

"Caleb?" I mumbled in a puzzled whisper, looking at him. Correction, looking at a shirtless him. I gulped, immediately tearing my eyes away from his toned chest. If he caught me looking, I swear he'd not let it go until my last breath. "What are you doing here? Please don't tell me there's someone with you-" I hoped not. 

"No, no." He cuts me thoughts short, "What are you doing here? Weren't you out with Jay? Oh please don't tell me he's here too and you two were-"

"No." I cut him off too.

He sighs. 

I looked away. Well, this grew awkward. And fast.

"What are you even doing here then?" I asked, very reluctantly looking back at him.

However, his eyes were fixed at the shut door.

"Did you close that door?"

I nodded. "I thought... I was alone."

"Great." A sarcastic smile covered his lips as he looked at me. "The door knob is broken."

I gulped. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean... that you and I are stuck inside."

"F*ck." I cursed under my breath. There was an impending conversation between us about Jay. Which wasn't necessary maybe, but I thought it was. And I was stuck in a pool house with a shirtless Caleb.

How do I even manage to get myself stuck in situations like these?