Fierce Nervous Beta

Dolphins, turtles and starfishes

My alarm goes off for morning training. I've been watching old kid show reruns for 3 hours and haven't slept at all. I sigh and turn the TV off. As I stand from the couch a crippling pain shoots through my stupid uterus. I let out a scream and flop back onto the couch. My periods have always been bad and the only thing that helps is muscle relaxers and tissue salts (weird right? but they work). I manage to drag myself upstairs and sit on the floor to rummage through my bathroom cupboard. Once the pills are in I lay crumpled on the floor in an awkward position that makes the pain bearable.

"KAT?" I can hear Gavin shouting downstairs. He lives next door so probably heard me scream.

'Bathroom and okay.' I don't even have the brain power to shout back. I can smell Gavin's old leather bound book scent before he runs into the room.

"You're bleeding!" He rushes over with concern oozing from him. I roll the pill bottles towards him and he gets the message.

'It'll be a few minutes before I'm functional again.' I groan as another spasms hits.

"Can I get you anything?" He sits next to me.

I mumble something close to no back. Gavin is so understanding about any lady problem really. His mate is one very lucky lady and the three of us golden group girls are also lucky to have him as a friend. I can feel the pills work and my uterus stops trying to kill me. I sit up.

"You good?" Gavin stands and offers me his hand.

"Think so." I grab it and he pulls me into a hug.

"Good thing you're wearing black jeans." He slaps my a*s before walking out. "Don't be late. Love you bye." He shouts.

"Love you bye." I shout back. Shower time. Once I'm cleaned up and dressed I head downstairs for something to eat. The lasagna dishes are still on the table. Oh s**t, Leila. I sprint upstairs and knock on the guest room door. Leila opens it looking scared.

"Are you okay?" I grab her arms.

"You screamed and I smelt blood. I'm sorry I should have come to help but I just couldn't." Tears spill down her face.

"Hey, it's okay." I wrap her in a hug. "I get it and it's only bad period cramps so I'm okay enough." Her sobbing settles to slight hiccups. "I have training. You can come if you like or I can stay here with you if you want." Honestly I hope she stays her so I can be mostly alone at training.

"I don't want to be a bother. You go and I can make breakfast."

"That sounds good. I'll see you later then. My rooms the pink door down the halal if you want to get dressed. Wear anything you like." I turn and run down the stairs because now I'm really late. "Bye Leila." I shout.

~

Training was crap. Everyone wanted to talk to me or see if I was okay because they could smell blood. I'm fine people. Connor pestered me the whole session about Leila and Oliver fussed over me the whole time. The only person who was normal was Kade and he took advantage of my state and bested me. I then arrived home to a massive mess made by Leila who was in the outfit I laid out on my bed for me. She was crying on the floor because she made a mess I had to clean up. And to top it all off my pills had worn off. I decided I was done with today so I called in sick to school and got into my favourite pink unicorn silk pajamas. Leila had stopped crying but was still on the now clean kitchen floor.

"Get up." I command her. She stands on shakey feet. "What is your problem? Hmm? So the kitchen is dirty, clean it up. So your life has been a bit crapy, deal with it. So your mate scared you a bit, get to know him before you judge him. You cannot burst into tears every time you have a problem. Women up! Everyone has their own s**t to deal with so you need to deal with yours. Get off my kitchen floor, get changed and be ready in 15 minutes because your mate is coming to take you on a date." Her eyes widen and new tears form but she does as I told her and has on a cute outfit in 15 minutes. She walks down the stairs just as Connor comes in. He stops dead at the sight of her.

"Leila this is Connor Finley. Connor this is Leila. Now both of you get out of my house." Connor takes Leilas hand and I push them both out the door. I walk upstairs and get into bed to play toy blast and listen to Nickelback and block the world out.

'You call to me, and I fall at your feet

How could anyone ask for more?

And our time apart, like knives in my heart

How could anyone ask for more?

But if there's a pill to help me forget,

God knows I haven't found it yet

But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far

Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart

Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor

And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for

'Cause trying not to love you

Only makes me love you more

Only makes me love you more

And this kind of pain, only time takes away

That's why it's harder to let you go

And nothing I can do, without thinking of you

That's why it's harder to let you go

But if there's a pill to help me forget,

God knows I haven't found it yet

But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

It's trying not to love you, only goes so far

Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart

Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor

And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for

'Cause trying not to love you

Only makes me love you more

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself

Was it something that I did?

Was there somebody else?

When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears

Sat right down beside me, and whispered right in my ear

Tonight I'm dying to tell you

That trying not to love you, only went so far

Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart

Now I see the silver lining, of what we're fighting for

And if we just keep on trying, we could be much more

'Cause trying not to love you

Oh, yeah, trying not to love you

Only makes me love you more

Only makes me love you more'

Tears fall down my face. f**k the world. Why did I have to have anxiety? I just want to be with my mate. I want the other half to my soul. The person I'll spend the rest of your life with. The person I instantly fell in love with. The person that saved me. The answer to every question. The love of my life. I want Oliver Grey Finley. I hate this. I hate me. And I hate Gina for having the perfect life with Matt, what a b***h. I hate Lizzy because it was so easy for her. I hate Leila, what is her problem, she can be happy with her mate with no obstacles. I hate everything. I grab my running shoes and head out the house. I run down to the beach until I can't breathe.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" f**k the world. The ocean whips at my feet. I need to be there, in the nothingness.

Some stupid plan sparks and I'm going back down the beach. When I'm home I throw the garage doors open and inside is moms boat. The tractor is still hooked up so I can launch by myself in the estuary. Soon I'm on my way to the estuary and have the boat in the water. Let's see if I can remember everything. I'm finally in the open ocean with the sea wind kissing my face and playing with my hair. I'm not angry any more. I feel at peace.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." I feel free.

"You know dolphin the ocean is like a house but better. It's a haven from all of your troubles. Out at sea nothing really matters except for the motion of the waves. You can leave everything on the shore because out here it is all obsolete. Find comfort in knowing that you are but a drop in the ocean, dolphin, part of something so much bigger than yourself and yet you are so important to it all. Give yourself to the ocean and it will take care of the rest. Give yourself to the ocean and you will find youself. Give yourself to the ocean and it will lead you to the answers you need. Give yourself to the ocean and you will be set free." The summer sun made her hair simmer like liquid gold and her rain scent filled the air. She did look free when we were on the boat out in the ocean. Her smile brought me comfort. Her laugh made me smile. This is how I want to remember her forever. I will always remember her most famous saying because looking at her now, I knew it to be true.

Tear streamed down my face at the memory. Happy tears. They've never been happy before, I've only ever cried sad tears for my mother. But she was right. Give yourself to the ocean and it will give to you. It gave her freedom and it has given me peace. I turned the boat off when a group of dolphins swim by. Years have passed but they still recognize her boat. I pull my pajamas off and dive in with them. I swim with them for hours until the sun sets. As I swim towards the boat my breath catches in my throats at the painting on the side.

IRIS

I run my fingers along the intricate pattern she painted. My heart aches but I don't mind. I climb back into the boat and open the small cabinet. I find her spare bikini and a few of her sarongs. I wrap one in a dress like she taught me. I find her wedding ring sitting on her favourite flip flops. Her ray bans are with them. Her MP3 player is there and by some miracle still has charge. The last song she listened to was Somwhere only we know. How perfect. Her favourite books are hidden towards the back, Throne of Glass. I grab her sunglasses and the first book. Lying on my stomach on the padded cussion in the middle I open to the worn cover. She used a pencil as a book mark and I made sure to leave it exactly as it is. The front page had things scribbled on it but in big letters she had written in her gorgeous hand writing.

To my dolphin

Be confident like Celeana and be fierce like Aelin

No matter what happens know that whoever you are, you are right and you are you

Love Mom

I ran my fingers over her words and start reading. She'd left notes in the margins. Notes for me and for her too. Things about the book or just about life. And when she'd run out of space in the margins she'd written on sticky notes. I read until the sun set and I couldn't any more. I set her books back in the cabinet and grabbed her MP3 player. 'When she was just a girl, she expected the world but it flew away from her reach so ran away in her sleep and dreamed of Paradise.' I lay on my back and looked up at the star filled sky. They were so bright out here. I closed my eyes and could almost feel her lying next to me.

'You know turtle when I was younger my grandpa would bring me out to sea and we would spend days out here eating nothing but the fish we caught and grandmas cooking. During the day we would fish and I would swim with the dolphins that spent the whole day with us. Then at night we would look up at the stars because he said there was no better place to see the universe than on the water. I would fall asleep listening to his fairy tales about the ocean and the rocking motion of the boat. This, starfish, all of this out here, is paradise.'