Fierce Nervous Beta

Doesn’t matter

I woke up to warmth spreading from my toes up my leg. I open my eyes to a gorgeous sunrise. I can't believe I fell asleep. I can feel people trying to link me but I block them out. I stand from the cussions and pack everything back into the cabinet. I move a couple of things around and stumble upon my moms note book. I run my fingers over the leather cover and the words engraved on it 'liquid dreams'. I never knew what it meant but I always assumed it referred to the ink in her pen and what she put in the book. No one was ever allowed to even touch her book. In her will she had left it to me, she was very specific, but I'd never looked at it. I opened the cover to find a drawing of a turtle and other sea creatures around it. I knew this drawing. She had painted this on the roof above my crib when I was little. She had written a title at the bottom - my daughters essence. She had drawn this to represent me. It was me. Looking at this drawing was like looking in a soul mirror. I flipped through the pages and pages of drawings she'd done, the only words were the titles. I packed everything neatly away, put her raybans on and headed back to shore with answers to questions I hadn't realized I had.

~

The boat was safely parked back in the garage and I jumped into my car (that I never use) with her note book. Kade would be proud of me driving off territory. I take the ocean road for a bit to make sure no one will know I've left. I arrive at boarder check.

"Name and reason for coming." The warrior asked sternly.

"Katerina Anderson. I'm here for Damien. He doesn't know I'm coming but he'll let me in." The guard links Damien and then motions for me to enter. I drive down the winding path to the pack house where Damien is waiting for me. I climb out my car and he wraps me in a hug.

"Cool car." He walks over and sits behind the wheel. "What is it?"

"A Ford Model T. My brother was really into cars at one stage and fixed it up for me. He even spray painted it pink. It's got its kinks like the roof doesn't come up and the clutch sticks but other than that it's good."

"Just can't drive in the rain." He chuckles and I shrug my shoulders with a smile. He gets out the car and wraps his arm around my shoulder as we walk towards the pack house.

"So what can I be of assistants with?"

"Do you still do tattoos?"

"I do." He raises and eyebrow with a smirk. I open my moms note book.

"Think you can do this?" He looks at the turtle drawing and up at me with a sinister grin.

"Hell yes but it'll take a while." I grin back.

"I've got all day."

~

My calf and color bone hurt but Damien did an astounding job with my tattoos. My turtle on my calf is perfect and he also did the painting on the side of the boat across my color bone. Luna Grace also dyed the underside of my hair like ocean waves. I'm driving home and it's mid afternoon. When I arrive back at my house half the pack is there. I park my car and stand at the back of the crowd to see what is going on but everyone is just standing. I see Kade leaning against a tree with a stone face and walk over to him. He doesn't notice me so I lean on the tree next to him.

"What's going on?" I whisper. He whips around and tackles me into a hug.

"We have been looking for you."

"The fact that everyone's looking for me but no one notices I'm here is slightly concerning."

"Where were you?" He pulls away from me and turns to the crowd.

"Doesn't matter."

"SHE'S HERE!" He shouts and it's almost like the whole group lets out a breath at the same time. So many people come rushing towards me and my chest butterflies flair. I try to sneak into the house but Kade grabs me and holds firmly in place.

"Oh no you don't. Actions have consequences."

"And I have anxiety." I start shaking under his grip. He sighs and everyone stops and starts filtering out of my garden. Kade drags me inside and upstairs into my room. We both sit on my bed.

"Where were you?" He looks at me sternly.

"Doesn't matter." I repeat.

"Bullshit. You've been gone for over 24 hours with no way of contacting you. So I'll ask again, where were you?" He looks both irritated and angry.

"I don't remember having to answer to you Kade. I was were I was and were I was doesn't matter. Maybe if you asked me as a friend and not as a warrior I would tell you but until such time occurs that is the answer you will keep getting." I stand up and walk to the kitchen to get some peanut butter cookies and chocolate milk. I grab the whole tin and two bottles of chocolate milk then head back upstairs. Kade is lying, defeated, on my bed. I hand him the milk and place the cookie jar on the bed between us. I munch happily and we sit in silence.

"I was just worried about you, that's all." He almost whispers it.

"I know and I'm sorry. I just needed to be alone and if I'd said anything everyone would have wanted to come. I didn't plan to be gone so long, it just kinda happened. When I realized I was already in s**t so I just left it."

"Did it help?" He rolls onto his side to look at me. I nod my head slowly.

"I think so." I say unsure and he nods back.

"As your friend and out of curiosity, what happened?"

"I was so angry this morning because of the whole Gina, Lizzy, Leila, Oliver, mate thing. So I went for a run on the beach and all I could think was I needed to be in the middle of the ocean. I don't know why I just did. Then I had a sparky idea of taking my mom's boat out because…"

"When you give yourself to the ocean it will lead you to the answers you need." He finishes the sentence for me with sadness in his eyes at the memory of my mom.

"It didn't register with me at that moment but I took her boat out and read her books and listened to her music and looked up at the stars and fell asleep."

"Jesus fuck." He whispers under his breath. It was so stupid of me but it happened so I need to move on.

"When I woke up everyone was trying to link me. I was already in s**t and planned to come home but I found her note book and this drawing. I tried so hard to keep her in the past but that drawing reminded me she is still apart of me and I needed to remember that so I went to Damien because I knew he would tattoo it for me. I honestly just needed to leave everything on the shore for a bit. She was right though, when you give yourself to the ocean it gives you something in return. It gave me peace." He sighed deeply at my story.

"I wish it would give me answers." He was so quiet. I ran my hand through his hair. My poor friend.

"We should go out sometime." He just nodded at me and closed his eyes. Kade then sits up looking serious and confused.

"Listen I…"