fifteen
2613 Words
Aaina.
Life is funny that way. You think things are going well, you think that you're finally going to be happy, that you have what it takes to be satisfied in life, that you can be with that certain someone and you can love, you can live.
But one mistake, of not listening to him or not talking to him about things that matter, of not being what he wants you to be, of making mistakes, of not knowing what mistakes you have made and still regretting everything, and you're back to square one.
How can a person do that? How can a person get over such a thing so quickly? How can a person just leave without even talking to you? How can a person be so intimate once second and be so distant in the other?
If regret was something that I had felt before in my life, it was nothing compared to the regret I felt right now.
Two days had passed by since Zaydaan walked out on me and after that, he hadn't bothered to even look at my face.
I had tried to talk it out with him but everytime I bothered to make an effort, either he had left for work or either he was in some other city.
It had made me rethink everything. I always wanted to have a healthy relationship with my life partner but everything with Zaydaan was turning out to be totally unhealthy.
I was sat on the sofa near the wall, my tea going cold as I was swarmed by my own thoughts. And the door got knocked.
I had just turned around to look at who it was, when it opened and Ahad ducked his head out.
"Hey, can I come in?"
I nodded, smiling at him softly, my heart felt so tired but seeing Ahad, it always put me at comfort.
"Yeah, come sit."
"How are you? I didn't see you at dinner last night." He questioned, sitting by my side.
"I slept early, I was tired." I lied.
I couldn't sleep the whole night. The moment I would close my eyes, I would feel like everything was falling apart, even if it wasn't.
"I can tell, your eyes are swollen. Couldn't sleep?" Ahad caught my lie, I nodded.
"No. I couldn't."
"I'm sorry, bhabhi. If I hadn't forced you, this wouldn't have happened."
I frowned. He hadn't called me bhabhi since the first day.
"Bhabhi and all?"
He sighed out loud, as if he couldn't believe he was saying that.
"Apparently, bhai thinks its inappropriate for me to call you Aaina."
Was it though? I didn't think it was. We knew what our relationship was. I just didn't think that a man five years older than me, should give me the respect and call me bhabhi.
It didn't seem right to me.
"Then call me bhabhi just in front of him." I mumbled. Ahad nodded, pulling his legs up on the sofa and looking at me with apologetic eyes.
"Okay, Aaina. I'm so sorry." I shook my head.
It wasn't right for him to say sorry to me.
"You don't need to apologise. Media is ruthless, he had told me. I guess I just needed to see it."
He snorted, as if I was wrong.
"Trust me, you haven't seen it."
What more could they write or say to sabotage my relationship even further? Had they not done enough?
"He's still pissed at you, yeah?" Ahad questioned.
How could I lie when my husband didn't even sleep by my side?
"Yeah, he is."
"It's gonna be okay. He has so much pressure on him, there's too much on his plate and he's just frustrated. Anything will make him tick."
He told me.
But why me? Why me? Why not anyone else? Why did it had to be me?
Why did people think it was okay to use me? Why did they not understand that I had feelings too?
"Ahad," I looked at him, he was my only friend right now.
The only one I could trust and tell things to, the only one who understood.
"I try so hard, I try and I try and something goes wrong and I'm back to square one."
I couldn't help myself as tears leaked out of my eyes, my heart breaking all over again at the thought of him acting this way with me.
He put his hand over mine, shaking his head.
"Don't cry, please."
"I don't know what to do, who to even trust. My father hasn't called me since the day I got married, my mother, she's just...I don't know."
I had to let it out. I had to tell someone. It felt like I would go crazy by crying all alone, so I told Ahad.
"And I feel so used. Even Zaydaan."
I tried to wipe away the tears but they just kept falling, so I put a hand on my face, trying to stop myself.
Even Zaydaan.
Who used me that night. Who basically used my body and then left me like I was a street w***e.
It hurt that he had done that. He had stayed with me, fulfilling his needs and mine, making me feel so good, so warm and happy, then he had left me all alone, without any comfort.
And I had let him.
That hurt. More than anything.
"Aaina, please. You can't cry. Okay? You have to live your life. It's hard, I know. But you're doing good, I swear."
He tried to console me, patting my back and mumbling all kinds of soothing words.
"And bhai talks so highly of you in front of people."
That made me look at him, my tears turning into a shade of anger.
"But what does he think of me? That's up for debate."
"Okay, here. Look at me,"
I looked at him, my head hurt and my heart ached. I was falling in love with Zaydaan and he just didn't care.
"It was wrong of us to sneak out, yes. But it wasn't wrong to go out and have a good time. Don't feel bad for enjoying your life."
I didn't feel bad because of that.
"I feel bad because I should have told him." I answered back.
Ahad bit the inside of his cheek, chuckling.
"I know. But, on a lighter note, we look damn good in those pictures."
His words and his smile made me let out a laugh. Among all this drama, I was so glad that I had him. As a friend. As a confidant. As someone who was genuinely nice to me.
"Thanks Ahad," I told him after a while.
Ahad ruffled my hair, getting up, his face satisfied. Maybe it was because he made me smile or maybe it was because he blamed a part of himself for letting it all happen and checking up on me made him feel better.
"Now go to sleep, your eyes look terrible."
I nodded, getting up from the sofa and walking towards the bed. Ahad was nearly at the door when he stopped.
"Oh and one more thing.."
"Hmm?"
"We have dinner at General Ashfaq's House tonight. So better look your best."
He advised.
I didn't want more drama. No more drama, please.
"Fuck."
"Exactly."
Putting my thoughts in my head and boxing them away, I let sleep engulf me.
--
While I wanted nothing but to lay in bed and cry, a few hours after my sleep, I had to wake up and get dressed for the dinner.
I didn't understand the dynamic between General Ashfaq and the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister had ended his son's engagement with that man's daughter, yet he was inviting us all to dinner.
While I didn't know what Zaydaan and Minal were to each other, I knew that there was something special between them, I had a feeling that there was.. Even if Zaydaan denied it. And I didn't want to deal with more heartbreak.
Dressed in a simple black dress with a fancy dupatta and wearing a necklace that my mother in law had gifted me, I tried to look like a happy bride.
I smiled and I looked like I was okay, when I was anything but that.
We were gathered in the lobby when Zaydaan arrived home. Dressed in his signature style, he didn't even spare a glance at me, saying Salam to his mother and father.
"Zaydaan. Let's go, son." His father said, asking his guards to move.
Zaydaan shook his head, looking at them.
"Mama, you guys leave. Aaina and I will come in our own car."
He was soft spoken to his family but he didn't even stare at me, even when he took my name.
I gulped.
"Now is not the time to flaunt your minister status, just come with us." His father said with a shrug but my husband simply made a flat face.
"Not flaunting anything, baba. But we'll come on our own."
"Alright, be there on time."
"Okay."
He didn't look at me when he walked out of the hall, I just walked outside, following him.
"Should I come with you, bhai?"
Ahad's playful voice came out from behind, I smiled turning around but clearly Zaydaan was not in the mood. As always.
"You still think it's funny, don't you? Hmm? You still think it's a normal thing." Ahad blew out a breath from his mouth.
"Stop being so angry all the time." He shot back at my husband, walking towards his father's car.
How do you tell someone you almost love that you're sorry? That what they did to you, hurt you and still you're sorry.
That they walked out on you and even though they are with you now, you want them to act the way they used to.
That your heart breaks everytime you think of them.
Zaydaan was my husband and yet the distance between us made me feel like we were nothing but strangers.
"Why are we going there?" I questioned him, eyes squinting at him.
I wanted him to answer me, to talk to me, to solve everything.
"We're invited." He replied as a matter of fact.
I sighed. Geez, what an obvious answer.
"Is your ex lover going to be there too?" I enquired yet again.
Zaydaan didn't look at me but the way his mouth had twitched, it made me realise that he didn't like my question.
"She's not my ex lover." He stated, his jaw twitching.
I chuckled dryly.
"So she will be there."
"Yes."
"Are you still mad at me?" I asked yet again, he, once again gave me a one word answer.
"Yes." He curtly mumbled.
And I couldn't control myself anymore. I couldn't just sit there and go at a place where he was engaged, I couldn't go there and sit by his side when we couldn't even look at each other. When he couldn't even look at me.
"Zaydaan, it's been two days. Just let it go."
I managed to say out loud. He glared at me.
"Don't." And then he turned back to driving the car.
We didn't need people to survive but God damn, we need people to make us feel like we are good enough, that we are happy, that we are worthy. That we deserve love and all that life has to offer.
I wanted Zaydaan to be my everything, I wanted him to be mine and I wanted to be his. In every way.
But this? This wasn't how my relationship with him was supposed to be like. This screamed heartbreak.
"I'm serious, Zaydaan! Can we talk for once? I can't do this. I can't go there and see that girl while we are not even on good terms! You don't come to your own damn room!"
I didn't realise that I had actually yelled at him, even he looked at me with a little shock in his eyes, slamming his hand on the steering wheel.
"What do you want to talk about? About how I had to explain to my father what was going on? That I couldn't tame my own wife?'
That freaking word. Tame. Was he serious?
"I'm not some animal you can tame. I'm a person,"
I tried to remain calm but I felt like my ears were heating up, anger overwhelming me.
"And I'm your god damn husband!"
He screamed back, I flinched. He looked at me like he hated me.
"What do you do as my wife all day? Tell me. What do you do? Do you wake up before me? Do you wait for me at lunch or dinner? Do you wait for me at night if I come home late?"
His wife. Was this expected of me? I had never done this before, I had never thought that he wanted me to do all of this. Did he really? Zaydaan always told me that what he wanted from me as a wife wasn't household chores but political and professional stuff.
Besides, a wife was not obligated to do all this.
So why was he saying this now?
"Do you want me to do that?" I put my thoughts out loud. As usual, he looked at me like I didn't have a mind.
"No. All I want is for you to listen to me."
Listen to him? I always listened to him. I listened to his words, his advice, his orders. I tried my best to make him happy.
"I do, Zaydaan. I try so hard and one thing goes wrong and you think I don't listen to you."
He didn't say anything so I continued.
"And you punished me enough for it. You used me and walked away. Do you know how it felt like? I felt like I was a prostitute."
My voice cracked, and he whipped his head to look at me.
"Don't say that." He warned.
If me saying that word out loud had him fuming, did he not understand how much his action must have impacted me? How cheap I must have felt last night?
"That's how you made me feel, Zaydaan." I whispered.
The car stopped.
"We're here." He announced.
I sighed, clearly our little conversation was yet again going nowhere.
I stayed quiet, waiting for a guard to open the door but Zaydaan gestured him to stay still.
I glanced at him confused.
"I don't want to cage you, I don't want to take away your freedom. I know it sucks, sitting at home. I know all that." Zaydaan started speaking.
As if he was finally feeling calm.
"But this is the life you are in. This is what your father chose for you. You have to live it and you have to abide by the rules."
Zaydaan turned towards me, looking at my face for the very first time.
"I told you if you do your duties well, I'll do mine even better." He reminded me.
"I'm learning, I learned my lesson. I'm sorry I didn't tell you and I won't do it again." I apologised.
He frowned for a moment, then looked outside and then at me. For a few seconds, there was utter silence.
"Okay." He said after a while.
I gave him a confused stare.
"Okay?" I repeated.
"It's okay. Come,"
So he opened the door for me, held my hand and tightened his grip, maybe it was to assure me that he was here or maybe he wanted to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
And for some reason, it dulled the ache in my heart.
Just for a little while.
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- Writer
