Sadkey Tumhare. (For Your Sake)

twenty four

Squinting his eyes shut against the bright sunlight, he released a soft sigh, running a hand across his face.

Blinking a few times, the memory of him breaking his girl's heart ran through his head. He regretted telling her the truth but at the same time, he knew she deserved that much.

Working as a world leader, as the Prime Minister of a country was so hard, it was not just a day job with power, but it was a full time responsibility where power could cost him his life.

But he loved the rush of it, he absolutely loved it.

Aaina, was still shaken up at the thought of talking to Zaydaan. But at this point, she knew that she had to talk to him, she had to put some relief in her heart, she had to make it stop hurting so much.

Ahad was right. He was right about everything.

She entered her bedroom, the door making a sound upon her entrance. Her eyes fell upon Zaydaan, who was standing up, leaning against the wall and soaking in the sunlight through the tainted glass window.

She walked a few steps, taking a seat on the sofa and then glancing at her husband.

"Do you still love her?" She asked quietly, her head bowed down as she didn't have the courage to look into his eyes right now.

Zaydaan, lost in his own thoughts frowned upon the sudden words by his wife. He turned to look at her.

"What?" He asked, eyes focused on his wife's head that was still lowered.

He could hear her inhale of a deep breath, he could see the slight tremble in her hands as she took a other breath before speaking.

"You said that you loved her, do you still?" She asked again, looking up only for a second before looking down again.

"You're taking this better than I expected."

Either he didn't want to answer her, or either he still loved her.

Aaina couldn't take the latter.

She waited for him to answer her but he didn't. So she questioned again.

"I deserve the truth. Do you still love her?"

This time, her voice cracked at the end. And Zaydaan realised that, he hated that she was crying over this. He understood why but he still hated it.

Life had so many other things to offer and yet here she was, whining and asking about things that weren't secondary to him right now.

But since he agreed that she had to know the truth, the truth that might calm her down a little, he gave it to her.

"No. Not anymore." He replied.

He loved Minal because they loved the same things. He didn't have to change, or think about compromising, or doing anything other than what he liked with her.

With her, things were easy.

So he loved her, whatever he thought love was, he gave it to her. But life gave him a choice and he chose power.

So he loved power more than he loved her. That cleared it, he moved on.

Infact, he hadn't thought much of Minal ever since his marriage. Not until the day he threatened to make her life hell..

Then, he just felt guilty. He felt guilty because he had broken her heart a little, he had walked away from her.

She was his best friend.

Another part of Zaydaan just didn't  give a f**k. That was the part he always thought with.

On the other hand, Aaina, who fell in love with him unconditionally had mistaken his appreciation of her as something close to love.

And the truth, it had damaged her self esteem. He saw her stay silent for a moment, before she spoke again.

"But you can't love me." It wasn't even a question, more like a statement.

"No." He whispered. "I can't." He said again.

Aaina didn't know how to feel.

Knowing that he loved that woman, it hurt her. But knowing that he didnt anymore, if satisfied her.

But could she really believe him? She didn't want to. But at the same time, there was this aura about Zaydaan that made her believe him like he was God.

I have to make this marriage work. I have to compromise. I have to be patient. And I have to love him. Even if he doesn't love me.

For his sake. And for mine.

"It's okay." She mumbled, as her husband stared at her.

"Hmm?" He enquired, confused.

"It's okay if you can't love me, it's okay, Zaydaan."

The way she said it, it made him feel a certain way. Pity. Was it?

"I can love enough for the both of us. I love you, it doesn't matter if you love me or not." She explained.

He looked at the time, seeing it was about four already. He nodded, picking up his phone and barely paying attention to her words.

"Okay, I have to go."

She clicked her tongue, standing up and finally looking at him properly.

"Please, hum baat kar sakte hain?"

Zaydaan sighed.

"Bolo."

"Mujhe pata hai ke humari shaadi forced thi, I know that it was political, meant to serve a purpose. But you defended me, you told me that you cared, you protected me. That wasn't a part of the game. I believe that we're married and we're made for each other."

With patience and time, came beautiful things.

She had expected so many worse things before getting married and it hadn't been as bad, granted there were bad days, but there were good days too.

So maybe, just maybe, if she could love him, if she could stay patient and endure whatever life threw her way, maybe one day things would turn out better.

"I believe that God sent you in my life for a reason, we're together for a reason." She put her finger in between his fist, just to get a tiny touch.

It had been so long since she had even hugged him. She missed his intimacy. But his words, they made her feel cheap.

My dear wife, I'll still f**k you.

That was cruel. So cruel.

Aaina had no other choice. She understood that. And she loved Zaydaan so much, she couldn't ignore him. She didn't have the heart to do so.

"Maybe I'm not good enough for you, maybe you deserve better but I'm your wife now. I'm trying to be the best one, and I can't do that if you suddenly change so much." She tried to sound as mature as she could.

Zaydaan simply stared at her, listening to all that she had to say.

"It's okay to not love me but it's not okay to simply ignore me or hurt me by saying things that I know you don't mean."

He meant the things he had said. But telling her that would hurt her even more, so he didn't say a word.

"Okay." He said instead.

"If you loved Minal, you wouldn't have said those horrible things to her, just because she said something to me. There was no one influential there, you did it because you wanted to." She continued.

"I never said I won't honour you as my wife." He replied honestly.

"But you said that you can only pretend to care for me. Tell me Zaydaan, if I were to die, would you pretend to care about it or would you just fake it?"

She asked next. She didn't know where those words had came from but she spoke nonetheless.

"You're not dying." He calmly stated.

A few tears pooled around her eyes yet again, tears of frustration, desperation.

"You care, Zaydaan. Tell me that you care about me." She demanded.

He clicked his tongue, shrugging his hand away from her hold.

"We have to attend an event at eight tonight, I suggest you go and get ready for that."

He instructed instead. Aaina almost wanted to roll her eyes at him but stopped.

"I want you to tell me that you care about me. That the past months meant something to you. That it wasn't fake.." She insisted..

Was it so hard to tell her that? That he cared? He had once told her that he did care.

Why was it so hard to admit it again?

"I have to go, Aaina." Finally, he stepped away, opening the bedroom door.

"This conversation isn't over." She said to him, making him understand that she would get her answers.

Zaydaan turned to look at her, coming up with the coldest look he could.

"Trust me, it is."

He might have told her that he didn't love Minal, but her heart still felt shattered. 

---

The moon loomed over the sky, It's gloom spreading far and wide. The farther it was from the ground, the more desolated it seemed.

Maybe that was it, the reason of it's anguish. If the moon, the brightest one at night, The one that shone for others..could feel melancholy, could seem crestfallen..they how could she feel satisfied at all?

The moon always seemed so away from it's loved one, the sky wasn't its love, the sky was just it's place to stay. Whether the moon liked it or not. It was destined to stay there.

The moon always shone for others but never for itself, because in reality the moon was dark, inside. There was no light left for it, because it spent all of it by shining for others.

She glanced at the moon, drawing comfort from it..like always..

Thinking how the moon was as gloomy as her, As inconsolable and just as dejected. That made her feel better, knowing someone else suffered too, even though it shouldn't have.

But that is what drove everyone to move forward in their life, the thought they aren't the only ones griefstricken. That they, are not alone.

So with that hope, that someone was as lonely as her right now, she tried to wipe away the stray tears.

The tears that wouldn't stop, the tears that seemed to leak out of her eyes, the tears that somehow she couldn't wipe off, no matter how hard she rubbed her cheeks.

She wiped them off again, dabbing her skin with a beauty blender and re applying some highlight.

She breathed through her nose, taking a few deep breaths so the tears in her eyes would dry out. 

She was already running late, something she knew that Zaydaan wouldn't like. Since he had been at the PM secretariat, they had to meet a few miles away from the venue where she would shift into his car.

She already dreaded seeing him. She had almost pleaded for him to say something, and yet here they were, how could she pretend?

How could she pretend that her life was perfect?

She couldn't act. She couldn't fake things.

The car stopped and the door opened. She stepped out of it, her eyes following Sami's gaze that was set in the Prime Minister's direction.

She took another breath and closed the door herself before turning on her heel, her hands grasping the clutch bag nervously.

Don't cry. Don't look weak. Smile and get through it.

Her eyes viewed Zaydaan, in an all black suit with a tie, standing outside his car with a few people around him.

She walked up to him as he drove his attention to her, eyes raking her from head to toe.

"You're late." He griped.

"Twenty minutes late infact. Sami?" He questioned his ex head of security who was now Aaina's.

"Sir, it took an extra ten minutes for her to come down and we had to do some extra security measures."

Zaydaan looked at her displeased.

She gulped.

"I'm sorry,-" She began, knowing that everyone around her was watching.

They sat inside his car this time, as he cut her words in between.

"What's the event about?"

"Inaurgaration of PM's portal." She replied.

"And?"

"And announcement of shelter homes all around the country."

She remembered all that Raima had explained to her. The car stopped once again and the doors to both the ends opened.

She got out of the car, Zaydaan did too. He walked around to her side and she heard a few flashes from far, since it was a red zone, no media was allowed. But that didn't stop their extra thick lens from zooming in from far and taking their pictures.

Aaina, shakingly put her hand in his.

He doesn't love me. He doesn't care.

It rang in her head, it made her want to puke.

"Make eye contact, don't stutter, meet everyone with the best god damn manners." He said in her ear.

For the people around, it was a gesture, a gesture that would drive people on social media to write aww.

But in reality, it was just an instruction. A firm one at that.

She had been taught this before, almost a day after he became the Prime Minister.

She had to be on her A game, there was no room for stuttering or stumbling, no room for fear in her eyes, no room for uneducated statements, irresponsible replies or ill conversations.

"Don't discuss politics and don't even look in Minal's direction."

Ofcourse.

She was going to be here.

Aaina turned to look at him with the most vulnerable look she could come up with.

Was this your way then? Of hurting me? Was this your way of telling me that you didn't care about me?

She wanted to say.

They reached the venue.

Photographs.

Men.

Women.

Food.

Fake smiles.

Congratulations.

Oh you look beautiful.

Ma'am my daughter would love to work for you.

You and the Prime Minister are such a great couple, like a gift to the country.

Zaydaan turned towards her when it was time for him to leave her and go do the job he was supposed to do.

He held her elbow lightly, looking into her eyes tenderly.

All the coldness washed away. How could he switch so easily? How could he put on this facade in front of the world that she was his Queen and treat her that way back home?

She needed this Zaydaan back. The one that looked at her with tenderness.

"I need you to mingle, talk to everyone, there's journalists, wives of ministers, army and so many influential women, there's absolutely no room for fault,"

He whispered to her.

She nodded.

With such tenderness in his voice, he could tell her to jump off a building and she would gladly do that.

"Stay away from political discussions and don't dicuss your father, you know nothing about that, okay?" He gave precise instructions, she let out a shaky breath.

"Okay." She said back.

And so, he left her side, watching as several women crowded her.

Aaina smiled, shaking everyone's hands. There were senior members of the parliament, a few senators, most women were older in age, the only young ones being Samia Tahir and Roselyn Mary. The first ever Christian MNA.

Aaina talked to a few other women, some journalists and some NGO owners.

Ofcourse, she knew how to conduct herself, what to say, what to talk about. She was sat by the wife of the current army chief, who was her own mother's age.

Being young in this world felt different, because people respected you, even when you were so much younger than them.

The night was going well, too well infact.

And then, Aaina spotted her.

Watching her didn't pierce her heart, but watching Zaydaan laugh with her, and seeing Ahad laugh with the both of them, that absolutely crushed her.

Suddenly, she wanted to leave.

But she couldn't.

She had to stay and she had to endure.

He promised that he would always honor me as his wife, but he had once loved her and what was honor compared to a woman's love?

--