twenty three
2060 Words
Aaina Zaydaan.
First lady, Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Striving for a better country with love and peace. Humanity comes first.
@AainaZaydaan : As I visited the panahgah foundation for the very first time, I realised that these people had something to offer that wasn't too expensive but always high in demand. Love. With love and with passion, we can change the world. Honored to have addressed the misfits, the old ones, the widows, the orphans. And a very special thanks to afshan bibi who made me wear a beautiful dress, (she told me I reminded her of her own daughter) Honored, privileged and highly obliged. Thank you ❤️
Aaina.
"Hey, you were so good today. I felt so proud, you know that?!"
Ahad's voice snapped me out of my thoughts as I quickly tried to wipe away the tears that were not leaving my eyes since the past two days.
These damn tears.
These tears made me feel so stupid, so weak, so unworthy. Because he had told me, he had told me on the very first day that he couldn't love me, that he wouldn't love me.
And yet, I had fallen in love with him. Fast, hard.
Why did I do that? Why did I put myself through the pain of loving him? I should have known. It was just a political marriage, not one of love.
It was a marriage that tied us together for the sole purpose of him gaining a certain power.
Then why did you love him Aaina? Why do you love him so damn much?
Why was it so easy for me to fall in love and so hard for him to do so?
What did she have that I didn't? Why did he love her? Did he give her all of his love? How much did he love her that he had none to give to me?
I sniffed, wiping away another tear and looking at Ahad with a shaky smile.
"Aaina, you okay?" As always, my friend was concerned about me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I tried to shrug him off, but it was of no use as he sat by my side, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"Tell me what's wrong." He demanded.
What do I tell you Ahad? That your brother doesn't love me?
"It's nothing, it's fine." I insisted. He sighed out loud.
"Okay, I get it. You must have talked about your father with bhai and he must have yelled at you. Right?"
He concluded. Atleast some of it was right. I didn't have it in my heart to talk to Zaydaan again, I didn't want my heart to break again so I had put all my focus on my very first address at a national NGO.
But I had left him a text message. He's my father, Zaydaan. He's my father and he doesn't deserve to be in jail.
That's all I had texted. Did my father deserve jail? Ofcourse he did. He had used illegal ways to earn money, he had offshore companies too. But he was my father, no matter what.
I cared about him. Even if he didn't care about me.
"Something like that." I mumbled, Ahad frowning at me.
"Typical bhai. He'd yell and make one feel so pathetic but then do the exact same thing." He remarked.
This time, I frowned.
"What?" I questioned, surprised.
Do what exactly?
"What? You don't know?" He exclaimed, surprised.
"About?"
"The fact that he told NAB to get off Imran Uncle's back. He also removed his name from ECL but the news is controversial so zip it."
A sudden relief coursed through my veins. Did he do that? Did he do that for me?
He cares about you Aaina. He just said all of that to hurt you so you wouldn't bug him. He cares.
A part of my heart told me, but a part of my mind just cursed at me for being so damn naive.
"He did that?" I enquired from Ahad anyway, he was a part of the cabinet, he knew things. He wasn't just my playful brother in law anymore.
"Yeah,"
"But why?"
"Why not? He must have realised that you were hurting." He said it like it was the easiest thing ever.
If only he cared about hurting me or making me feel bad. He didn't.
"I don't understand him, Ahad. I truly don't." I honestly said, my heart couldn't take this pain.
His words, every time I thought about those terrible words, it pierced right through me. And it hurt. It hurt so much.
"Sometimes, neither do I." He responded.
While Zaydaan had been appreciating all the other members of his cabinet, he had been way too firm with Ahad. And I knew it was taking a toll on him.
"Oh look, it's you." He suddenly said, glancing at the television screen. I looked at myself, in a white dress, with too much concealer and a fake smile.
"Yeah,"
"Mere liye asaan nahi hai ye sab, main jaanti hoon ke Mujh se behtar log maujood hain yahan, mujhe is baat ka ilm bhi hai ke mujhe zyaada nahi pata, lekin main ye baat jaanti hoon ke Mujh par aaj se aap sab ki zimedaari hai."
Knowing that I was the one, talking, speaking, being looked at, it was so nerve wracking.
I shivered, remembering yesterday.
"Meri Umer shayd aap sab se choti hai, magar shayd yehi baat waja ban jaye, ke main kuch bauhat Acha kar sakun, aap sab ke liye."
I had met with so many orphans there, so many widows, so many old people, and it had ached. I had lived all my life, shadowed.
And seeing their suffering, their pain, it had made mine feel like nothing for a while.
"I have met with Afshan bibi, who claims to know so much about life and philosophy, who gave me this dress that I'm wearing right now, who told me words of wisdom. Would it not be great if we could join the orphanages and the old age homes? Personally, I think that children learn the best from old poeple. You all can guide them, can love them like parents. Spend time with them."
Since the headlines were reviewing my speech, they had cut it very short. Raima had told me that people were appreciating my speech so far, that I had done okay.
If I hadn't, my husband would have called to yell at me. Maybe I had done something right.
"That was a nice idea, I think alot of people will appreciate it." Ahad commented, a genuine smile on his face.
"You think so?"
"Yeah, I think people are really gonna love you."
I only wanted to be loved by one person, and I could trade everyone's love, just to get his.
"Love me?" I asked with an ironic chuckle.
"Yes. You speak from the heart, your speech didn't feel scripted."
"Because it wasn't. I couldn't read Raima's speech, i felt like I was having some sort of anxiety attack,"
"Happens. But you did well." I patted his leg, thanking him.
"Thanks Ahad, you always have the right words."
Ahad shrugged like it was nothing, looking at the other end of the living room, towards the door as he spotted someone.
"Aslam? What are you doing home?" He yelled.
Aslam? Was he not a part of Zaydaan's security team?
"PM Sahab is home, why wouldn't I be?" He replied, greeting Ahad and walking away.
My heart beat a little fast, my ears suddenly felt red and hot. Was he really home?
"Bhai is home?" Ahad interrogated with mild confusion.
"I don't know, I didn't really go upstairs." I said back, leaning against the chair.
I didn't have any energy to go upstairs and meet up with him. It would only hurt me more.
But at the same time, all I wanted to do was rush in his arms and tell him that I loved him, that I wanted to be loved by him but it was okay if he couldn't. If he didn't.
"Aaina, all okay? Usually you'd just run upstairs."
"I'm okay," I insisted.
He clicked his tongue, not believing me.
"Go talk to him, I know something is bothering you. You need to communicate." He advised.
I can't love you. I don't love you.
I can't love. I don't love you.
All his words had summed up into a single line.
"I can't communicate with him, Ahad. Trust me."
"You can."
My stupid tears, once again pooled in my eyes as my brother in law held my hand, making me look at him.
"Look, he's busy now. He's busy all the time, he won't care if he's fought with you or not because he has alot on his plate. But you can. You're his wife, you have the right to talk to him and tell him if something is not right."
My heart told me to rush upstairs and my mind told me not to. But Ahad's words had pushed me.
What's the worse he can say now, Aaina? He said it already. Did he not?
"Okay." I agreed, standing up.
I hadn't even walked a step away when I looked at Ahad again.
"Ahad. Did you know that he loved her?" I questioned.
He wasn't shocked, he wasn't surprised. Infact, he looked at me with such a calm demeanour that it surprised me.
"He told you that?"
"Yeah." He shook his head.
"He didn't love her, Aaina. She was just too good for his ego, he was himself with her, the same attitude, the same ego, the same thoughts."
Yeah, Zaydaan had told me the same. That Minal matched his personality.
That I wasn't like her. That I wasn't good enough, not like her.
He hadn't told me that, but he might as well have.
"So he loved her or not?" I questioned next, too tired.
"As I said. I don't think he ever did. Sometimes they looked like siblings because of how similar their actions were."
Siblings? I wanted to laugh at that.
He gave her all the love that he had in himself. He loved her.
"He told me he can't love me because he loved her." I whispered but my friend had heard him anyway.
He whipped his head, looking at me like I was stupid for believing something like that, for talking like I wasn't worthy of love.
His right hand gripped my arm, drawing all my attention at him.
"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't be loved, you've no idea how f*****g lovable you are."
The way he said it, it made me almost cry and yet smile at the same time.
How was Ahad so different? How was he so expressive? So caring? So kind. Why did I have to go so far to find Zaydaan's affection? Why wasn't he as easy going as his brother?
"Kabhi kabhi lagta hai ke agar tum na hote to Mera kya hota yahan pay."
I murmured, not knowing what else to say.
"Kaafi chutiya mahol hota."
He responded, I laughed.
It was actually a genuine laugh that he had managed to get out of me.
"Haw, is that how a minister is supposed to talk?" I questioned him playfully.
Ahad turned serious, as if he remembered something all of a sudden.
"Aaina, what did I tell you about the people who think you're not worthy of being the first lady?" He enquired instead. His voice was so firm and so serious that I couldn't help but see a tiny reflection of Zaydaan.
Infact, I felt obligated to answer him.
"f**k them all." I said the exact same words he had said to me.
"Haw, is that how a first lady is supposed to talk?"
Ahad gasped as he shot back at me, eyes dancing with amusement. It was crazy how fast he could change his expressions and make it look so believable.
If they had let him go after his dreams, he would have made a damn good actor.
So I walked away, with a smile on my face and a feeling of satisfaction in my heart.
There wasn't anything wrong in me. Love wasn't like money, you could never run out of love.
Zaydaan could love me, not today but maybe some day.
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- Writer
