His crazy heart (MXM)

Chapter 5: I'm not gay

“Did-did I hurt you?” John stumbled over his words as he hurried to assist Greg, his apology hanging heavy in the air. “You pushed me with such force, of course it hurts,” Greg grumbled, refusing John’s offered hand and rising unaided. He didn’t even spare a second glance for John before disappearing into the bathroom.

John withdrew his outstretched hand, a tide of regret washing over him. His greatest regret in life was acting on impulse - surrendering to a sudden urge that he now deeply rued. What had driven him to behave so impulsively with another man? Despite the undeniable fact that Greg was the most captivating person he’d ever seen, his actions were inappropriate. He chastised himself internally, momentarily losing sight of the primary issue: Greg was a man, and yet John couldn’t deny his allure.

After composing himself in the bathroom, Greg let out a shaky breath before stepping back into the room. He hoped that this brusque man would keep quiet and mind his own affairs; he wasn’t prepared to entertain any nonsense at this time. The damage had been done; all Greg could do now was regain his composure and try to forget what had transpired between them.

Greg sucked in a sharp breath as he spotted the officer staring intently at him; their gazes locked for an instant before he looked away. It seemed as if John wanted to say something but lacked the right words. After an awkward pause filled with uncertainty, John rose and made his way towards the bathroom.

Greg exhaled a sigh of relief as soon as the imposing figure left the room. This would give him time to gather himself together. Besides, he wasn’t ready to confront or discuss whatever had occurred between them.

Upon emerging from the bathroom, John grimaced at what met his eyes: outside, rain was falling relentlessly causing temperatures to plummet drastically. The entire house was freezing, and there lay someone on the floor with only a thin blanket separating him from the icy ground.

Without uttering a word, John approached the silent figure on the floor and lifted him onto the large bed that could comfortably accommodate three people. Had his behavior been so terrible that it drove Greg to sleep on the cold floor?

Feeling himself being hoisted off the ground without his permission, Greg’s eyes snapped open. “What are you doing? Put me down!” He squirmed in protest. Nonetheless, the strong arms that had lifted him remained unyielding as they gently placed him onto the soft, warm mattress.

Once again, their gazes locked, a magnetic pull drawing them into each other’s eyes. The proximity between Greg and the officer was so close that he could feel the comforting warmth radiating from him. The intoxicating scent of his shower gel didn’t ease the tension at all. As much as Greg wanted to lash out at the officer, a more pressing desire to be kissed by him consumed his thoughts. He yearned for the soft touch of those lips against his own with an intensity that terrified him. He battled against this overwhelming craving but found it difficult due to their closeness, and the tantalizing sight of those red lips... oh God.

Greg closed his eyes in an attempt to regain some semblance of self-control. What exactly is going on inside your head, Officer John? He wondered before opening his eyes again to find himself still dangerously close to the man’s face. He watched as confusion flickered across John’s face before he abruptly stood up and walked towards the couch.

“If you’re uncomfortable sharing a bed with me, I’ll sleep here,” John offered, his voice filled with concern despite his expression remaining impassive.

“Am I the one who’s uncomfortable or are you?” Greg retorted, anger simmering beneath his furrowed brows.

John looked away but remained silent.

“Why are you acting like this? One moment you’re kissing me then pushing me heartlessly onto the floor, and next you’re playing nice. Why?” Greg’s frustration only grew with every passing second.

Still no reply?

Feeling ignored and foolish, Greg also climbed off the bed and reclaimed his spot on the cold floor. “If you’re sleeping on the couch, then I should sleep on the floor so that bed remains empty.”

“Please don’t do this; I don’t want you sleeping on a cold floor,” John pleaded as he tried to prevent Greg from making such a rash decision.

Left with no other option, John conceded. “I’ll share the bed with you.”

Greg was taken aback by this. Does he genuinely care about me?

“Why did you kiss me?” Greg asked, his voice filled with determination as he recalled the painful impact of hitting the floor. He didn’t want to bring up their previous encounter, but he needed to understand what was going through John’s mind during that moment.

“I... I just couldn’t resist,” John admitted honestly, leaving Greg even more confused than before.

“What are you implying?” Greg pressed, seeking further explanation. “I-I just needed to validate what I was experiencing internally,” John murmured, his gaze fixed on the floor as though it held something fascinating. Regrettably, Greg heard him perfectly.

“And what are you feeling right now?” Greg probed casually, studying the other man who refused to meet his gaze. He appeared indifferent, but he knew deep within that he craved more of John’s presence. He could sense John unknowingly commanding every part of him and filling his thoughts. Silently, he hoped for the officer to voice what his unpredictable heart desired.

“I’m not gay, Greg... so don’t take my lapse in judgement too seriously. I just couldn’t control myself,” John confessed, unknowingly shattering the fragile hope that Greg had been clinging to.

He called it a minor misstep? Shock flickered through Greg as numbness spread through his body. While he had anticipated such a response from John, he hadn’t expected such brutal honesty.

“Why do you assume I’m gay? Do I appear homosexual to you?” Greg asked heatedly. The whole situation seemed absurd to him. If John wasn’t gay, why use him as a guinea pig? Seeing the hurt in the younger man’s eyes made John’s heart sink for reasons unknown.

“I realize it was foolish of me to involve you in this, especially since you’re not gay. I sincerely apologize for my actions tonight,” John said remorsefully. He couldn’t fathom what had prompted him to behave so impulsively.

“Of course I’m gay,” thought Greg silently while ensuring this fact remained hidden from John - a common practice for him; concealing his identity from everyone around him. He didn’t want additional pain from further criticism; dealing with his father was already enough of a burden.

“It’s fine; I understand. You shouldn’t force yourself into something you’re not comfortable with, and honestly, I’m not bothered by it. After all, I’m not interested in men either,” Greg lied, attempting to maintain a facade of normalcy while suppressing his anger and disappointment.

Wait, he used me for an experiment and the worst part is that I let myself get swept up in his foolish kiss... Anger surged within Greg as he recalled how he’d succumbed to John’s captivating touch, leaving him slightly disoriented.

“Let’s put this behind us; I just need some sleep,” Greg suggested wearily. He yearned for restful oblivion where hopefully the memories would fade away.

“Mm...you can sleep,” John muttered. They shared a fleeting glance before Greg turned away and made his way to the bed, hoping to avoid any chance of John discovering his true feelings. Minutes later they were both lying in bed with their backs turned against each other.