Student from Hell

Ch.16-A big mess.

CASSIUS'S POINT OF VIEW.

I woke up with a horrible headache caused by my stupidity.

I drag myself under the shower and slowly, but surely, the events from last night came back, and with that a not-so-nice panic attack.

I f*****g kissed a 17-18-year-old kid. What the f**k it’s wrong with me? I’m sick. Dear God! I always hated child abusers, and here I am kissing a f*****g kid.

I wash fast because the hot air makes it hard for me to breathe, take a pair of pants, and start pacing around the house like a f*****g maniac.

What was I thinking?

But he makes it so f*****g hard for me to control myself.

THAT’S NOT A f*****g EXCUSE, CASSIUS!

Mia, I need Mia. And she better not f**k with my sanity as well.

I dial her number, waiting impatiently for her to pick up, and when I lost hope and was about to hang up, she answered.

“He kissed me, no, I kissed him, but he asked, and I just--” I tried to explain way too fast, way too breathless and panicked for her to understand me, so she interrupted me by whistling loudly.

“Woahhhh, easy there! I just woke up, and you’re talking too fast and you make zero sense.” I was right, she couldn’t understand me, I can’t understand, I’m babbling and making zero sense.

“Satan, Mia! I kissed Satan!” The desperation in my voice can be heard from the moon, but that didn’t stop Mia from squealing like a damn high-school girl. High-school. Satan is in high school. And I kissed Satan.

I’m going to Hell.

“Yayyyy, you’re forgiven for waking me up.” Why the f**k does nobody listens to me? Do I talk a foreign language? It’s really annoying.

Maybe it would be better to talk to the damn walls.

“No Mia! No! For f***s sake, how many times do I have to repeat myself? He’s my f*****g student, Mia. And maybe he’s not even 18. I mean, it would be a damn miracle if he would be 18. I’m a f*****g child abuser, Mia. You don’t praise a f*****g child abuser! Should I turn myself in? I think I should! Jesu--”

“STOP!!!” Her yelling stopped my heart from racing, but I think she also damaged my eardrums.

But still, when I think about what I’ve done, the heaviness that’s pushing down my chest becomes heavier and heavier, not allowing the oxygen to reach my lungs. I think I’m gonna have a panic attack, or I’m having one. Yes, I think I have one.

“Breathe, for goodness sake.” Mia’s voice doesn’t help. It sounds like she’s scolding me because I regret taking advantage of a damn kid.

“It’s kind of... hard, Mia... I f*****g kissed... I’m a... he’s...” I tried to talk between my very hard attempts of catching a small breath of air, but it seems that I’m not even able to form a coherent sentence.

“Come on Cass, you’re scaring me. Breathe. Please. Big steady breaths. In and out, Cass, you can do it.” Her voice is now soothing, worried, and it gives me a small hope that maybe now she’ll understand the gravity of the situation.

Between messy thoughts and hard attempts of inhaling at least a small breath of air, I lay on the sofa, trying to follow her advice, and after a few minutes, I finally calmed down, but the feeling of guilt didn’t go away with the panic attack, it’s still eating me up inside.

“First of all, you said it yourself, he doesn’t look like he’s 18. Secondly, I bet on my life that he’s more of a perv than you and me both. I could never be so forward with someone, and neither could you.” She’s trying to sound as convincing as she can, and she’s right about some things, but that doesn’t change what his birth certificate says.

“You do have a point, but still--” She interrupts me again, and to my despair, not to agree with me.

“No still, Cassius. Stop beating yourself up. You’re talking like you took some kindergarten kid and abused him. You kissed a damn man. It doesn’t matter what his birth certificate says, he doesn’t act his age. Just like other people act like teenagers at 30. So stop with the nonsense and give me the hot details!” She does have a point. Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself.

It was a mistake, and it won’t happen again.

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

“I want to erase them, Mia! Not public them in today’s newspaper!” I exclaimed in an exasperated tone, but she giggles.

She won’t stop.

“Erase them after you tell me.” I’m desperate, but I can’t help but chuckle at the enthusiasm in her voice.

I guess it’s not bloody murder if I forget about his age and every other reason I should move to another country, and tell Mia the details.

“Ok, so I went on a date with Martin. Everything was going smoothly until I saw that Satan was sitting at three tables away from us.” I remember his outfit and how sexy he looked with that serious expression on his face, and when he saw me he smiled instantly, and I feel... God, this is so wrong... but he made me feel special. Like a beast tamer.

“Did he follow you? If so, that’s kind of creepy.” The worry in her voice is totally unfounded because even if he would have followed me, I would have still felt special. Maybe even more so. And let’s not forget that I hate stalkers.

You’re turning into a perv.

No, he’s turning me into a perv.

God damn, I’m going crazy!

Yes, you are.

Even my subconscious agrees with me wholeheartedly, only Mia and Martin don’t.

“No. He was there with three other guys. From what I can tell, one of them is his friend, but all of them seemed older than him. Anyway, he was there, and he saw me, and I kind of blushed when he looked at me. Jesus! I blushed, Mia! And I had butterflies. A lot of them. Too many...” I trailed off in a defeated voice, then sigh hard and she squeals again like a third grader while I almost cry from frustration and guilt.

There’s only one way to get over this infatuation.

I have to be honest with myself for a bit, acknowledge my feelings, accept them, then get over them, get over him, so I decide to start with that enormous guilt... that guilt is not only because I kissed him, but because I want to do it again and again until I faint from lack of air and my lips get bruised.

“Ok, go on.” She gives me the green light, urging me to continue after she finished squealing like a 5-year-old that got a puppy for Christmas.

“So, I panicked and went to the bathroom to wash my face with cold water to decrease my body temperature somehow because I felt like I was on fire. Now, it didn’t cross my mind that he’ll follow me because the conversation that he was having with those people seemed serious, but it seems that it wasn’t more important than f*****g with my sanity.” Again, as I said that, that warm feeling made its way into my chest and warmed it in a way that it shouldn’t, and made me feel special.

“And, somehow he managed to say things that made me kiss him.” And, the butterflies came back at the intense memory.

GO AWAY! BAD BUTTERFLIES!

“What things?” Hearing the amount of mischief in her voice, makes me debate if I should relive the moments that give me panic attacks and did things to my body that no one else did, or not, and by not telling I’ll also avoid her squealing because I know for a fact that she’ll squeal, but then again, I can’t just tell her no because she’ll insist, and insist, and insist until I cave, and I’ll end up having an even worse headache, and she’ll have the details.

Or, you just want to relive those breathtaking moments and you found the perfect excuse to do it without feeling guilty.

Definitely not that.

Definitely.

Yeah... I should go back to the subject.

“He asked me, or better yet demanded... I don’t know how to explain, but it’s like he asked me but commanded me at the same time, you know what I mean? He’s... different, Mia. I didn’t name him Satan for no reason, he’s a fallen angel, so tempting and confident...” As soon as I said the words, I realized that until now I tried to fool myself that I named him Satan because he’s evil... ok, let’s make myself clear, he is evil, mischievous, rough, and f*****g gentle, with lips made of soft, sweet cotton-- I think I’m acknowledging too many things. I should keep it simple.

But after I finish telling Mia everything.

“Anyway, he stood tall and very f*****g close to me when he asked me a few questions that made me forget about his birth certificate...” I trailed off, not wanting to go into details, but Mia’s huff that I heard through the speakers told me that I have to give her the details, and before she had the chance to start complaining, I continued spitting all out.

“He asked if I don’t want to know how he tastes, if his lips are soft, if I’m not curious to find out if he would moan against my lips... and things like that.” My body temperature became higher and higher, and I swear that I can still hear his husky voice and feel his whiskey breath against my lips, his intoxicating scent, his firm grip on my hip, his--

“I’m gonna orgasm. If you don’t want him, I do. I would happily call myself a child abuser for him.” Thankfully, Mia got my head out of the gutter, and I managed not to come just from thinking about him.

“Go on, you know I don’t like waiting.” Should I or should I not continue?

Well, I started it, so I can also finish it...

“So, I said no. I was strong. And he was so close, Mia, and he smells divine, a mix of smooth leather and that smoky, delicious--- anyway, he was dressed in a black shirt and black suit pants. He looked like a damn walking, talking, divine smelling God! f**k, not the point.” Mia laughs at the frustration in my voice, and I can’t help but smile. But everything I said it’s true. He does look like a god. The most gorgeous god there is.

“And then, he said that his lips are dry from the heavy breathing and he doesn’t like it when his lips are dry, and he asked-commanded me to wet them for him.” The memory of his voice and his pink lips makes my heart race again.

STOP BEATING SO DAMN FAST!

I’m talking with my heart, that can’t be a good sign.

“Shut the front door and f**k me sideways! I mean, woooow!” I can hear that she’s impressed, and Mia is not an easy woman to impress, but who wouldn’t be?

“Yep. And it was the best kiss I ever experienced. It was passionate, wild, amazing, it was breathtaking...” There’s a hint of disappointment in my voice because it would have been so much easier if he would have been a bad kisser! Or even a good kisser, I could have worked with that. But nooooo, he has to be the best kisser there is.

Annoyingly perfect!

“Let’s continue. To avoid kissing him again, I went back to the table, and I thought that I got rid of him, but Mia... he came as if he owned the place and we begged him to honor us with his presence, took a seat between me and Martin like it was the most natural thing to do, then he shook Martin’s hand very hard, at the point when Martin made a painful grimace, and I could see that hurting Martin was pleasing him, he had that devilish, satisfied smirk that he always wears just to annoy me. Then, he congratulated Martin for scoring a date with me, but he told him not to invest feelings because I’m taken. That I’m in denial, but I’m taken.” Hearing the story, even if I lived it and I’m the one that says it, it still sounds surreal, like something that would happen in movies, but nope. Satan exists, and Satan did all that, and then some.

“First of all, that is super hot. Second, you describe this whole situation like he’s some innocent 18-year-old kid. But would you have it in you to do something like this?” She asked in a tone that’s daring me to try and lie.

“No, I wouldn’t,” I answered truthfully and smiled involuntarily. He really is something else.

“See?” Mia tries to make her point for the umpteenth time.

“But that’s not all,” I remember the blushed waitress and I start laughing by myself.

“Stop laughing, and start talking!” Mia demanded in a whiny voice that made it even harder for me to stop.

It took me another minute to recover, and after a very needed glass of cold water, I continued the story.

“When I wanted to pay the bill, the waitress came and told me that it’s been paid. By him!”

“Cocky.” Even though she can’t see me, I nod in agreement. He is cocky, he is arrogant, he is commanding, he has this powerful aura, and he knows that he has reasons to be like that, but not the ugly kind of cocky and arrogant, he doesn’t look down on people, he is commanding but not excessive, he emanates just the right dose of power, the one that makes him one of a kind, a sexy and sweet combination that can make you feel like a work of art in the hands of a strong, savage, king, one that knows that he can burn you, throw you, but he doesn’t, he appreciates you, admires you.

“Tell me about it. And again, he gave Martin a piece of advice or a warning depending on how you see it. Anyway, he told the waitress to tell him that he should be aware of the fact that if something will happen between Martin and me, I will think of him when I do it.”

“Shut the front door and f**k me dead and sideways and famous and f**k offffff!” She spews curse after curse in such an excited tone that I can’t help but laugh.

“And he left us an address and a card and said that if we want to prolong our failed date, we should go there. We arrived at the club, and trust me when I tell you that I don’t exaggerate when I say that I have never seen a club as awesome as that one, the whole way to the VIP lounge that the card took us to, I was looking around with my mouth open, stunned, it was so amazing that for a second I thought that it was a simulation. They have a damn shark tank, Mia, it’s that cool, it’s the best club in New York and one needs to make reservations months in advance, that’s how amazing it is.” And once again comes that question: How did he have access to the VIP lounge? And not one, but two. Is his friend the owner?

“That’s the most confident f****d up man I have ever heard of! HOT!”

“Tell me about it.” I’m still drooling for f***s sake. But I won’t give Mia the satisfaction of knowing my dirty thoughts and then twisting and using them against me.

“And what did Martin say?” Mia asked as if she just realized that there is someone else in this story besides Satan and me.

“That he’s hot!” We both start laughing, but my laughter dies shortly after when I remember what a jerk I’ve been to Martin.

I mentally slap myself and make a note to myself to text him later.

“So, what’s next?” She asked with concern but also hope in her voice.

I know she wants me to be happy, but I can’t. Not with him and not now.

The way my chest constricted at the thought that I can’t even dream about him, panicked me a bit.

“I think I should move. Should I move? Or maybe I can control myself. I can control myself, right?” I begged desperately for confirmation because I don’t want to leave, but if this, whatever this is that it’s been going on between the two of us, won’t stop, I’ll have to up and leave.

But I don’t think that that will be necessary because most certainly the constriction was because of lack of s*x and regret that I can’t f**k him.

Yes, I said it, I’m sorry that I can’t f**k him, by now it would be stupid to deny the s****l attraction that I feel towards him, but I can ignore it, and everything will be alright.

“Definitely. I’m one hundred percent that you can. No need to move.” Mia said confidently, too confidently for even her to believe.

“You definitely don’t think that I can control myself, do you? You just want me to stay.” My accusation was followed by her muffled giggle that makes me smile.

“I have faith in you.” She made it worse.

“That’s not an answer, Mia.” I accused again, and she giggles again.

“It is. Kind of. Anyway, I want a Satan of my own.” She said as if she’s commanding me to bring her one as well as if I know where the factory of Satans is.

“Damn Mia, you’re something else. But now, how will I face him after all this?” I’m seriously asking for help because I don’t know what to do or say. Not that until now I knew, but this time is a big-time thing, and all because I couldn’t control my damn hormones.

But somewhere, from a far far away corner of my mind, a voice teases me, telling me that I know that it’s not only hormones, that it’s more because I was celibate for years and I didn’t have a problem.

“No need to worry. He’ll face you.” She replied with the ‘Keep calm and hug a panda’, tone of voice, and to my surprise, I’m even more horrified knowing that he’ll approach me, that he’ll corner me again and take over my mind and body.

I’m so f****d it’s not even funny.

After another pep talk from Mia, and one thousand byes, I love you, kiss Satan, then I would call her a child, then she repeated herself, and I repeated myself until we both decided that stopping would be the grown thing to do, and we agreed, then started again, and finally hanging up when her boyfriend called her.

So, after that disaster, I spent the day cleaning the house and talking to myself, trying to come up with a plan to keep Satan away.

He has to have a breaking point, everyone does. Even though a part of me, the illogical, stupid part, wishes he wouldn’t stop and keep tempting me to cave into the sweet sin... but my logical side of me is stronger. Yes! I am stronger!

I’m one f****d up motherfucker, that’s what I am!

When all was done, the sun was setting and the oven clung, telling me that the frozen pizza is ready.

Needless to say that I didn’t eat much, half thanks to the alcohol, half thanks to Satan.

After a much-needed shower, I remember Martin, take my phone to send him a text, but I’m surprised when I find one from him. I thought that he’ll delete my number and forget about my existence.

I was terrible.

'Hey Cassius, I wanted to call, but I decided to text because maybe you don’t want to talk to me, but everyone reads a text, even if it’s from your death enemy, so I bet on that. I am very sorry for last night. I shouldn’t have insisted. You know better than anyone what it’s best for you. Just that... sometimes I don’t control my mouth. I hope you’ll find it in you to forgive me and maybe give me another chance to be your friend. I promise I won’t do anything like that again. Sincerely, Martin.;

This guy is too kind for his own good. Yes, he insisted, but I had no right to blow up like that and yell at him.

'Hey, Martin, I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier, I wanted to send you a text right after I woke up, but I got busy. I exaggerated last night, and I apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled, and I understand where you’re coming from, but the situation it’s more complicated than it looks. I apologize, and I would love to be your friend. And you don’t have to restrain yourself from telling me your opinion, I want you to be able to be yourself, just don’t push it over the edge. I’ll go to sleep, but we’ll keep in touch, ok? Goodnight.'

And with that, I go under the covers and try to sleep. But not before I pray. I haven’t prayed since I was a kid, but now I have to because I need every power that can help me to be strong enough to say no to Satan and keep him away.

So, God, if you are listening to me, please have mercy on my soul and help me because on my own it’s pretty hard, but I bet you noticed that by now, that’s why I wonder why you didn’t do anything until now, but it’s never too late, so you could help me now.

So, please do something about it. ASAP! Because it’s only a matter of hours until I’ll face him again. So, do your magic, and when I wake up, I expect to have some kind of superpowers.

Thank you in advance. Goodnight.

Amen.