The Wayward Axe

MARCHING DOWN THE AVENUE-4

“O.K. then, ya’ll are going to need at least a full tank to make it all the way into Mobile from here. I know you been out thieving about for a couple of weeks, how much you managed to find?” Farley asked.

“Well I been grabbing everything that ain`t been nailed down and I probably found me about 5 gallons by now I reckon. But I think two of them were some of that chainsaw gas you told me about and I already dumped it in the tank. You reckon with the rest of the gas we had in our tank already it would hurt?” the boy asked inquiringly.

“That’s hard to say, I never tried it before. It also depends on how old was that gas you managed to find that was just plain regular. Gas has a shelf life and lots of people try to carry it over from season to season without thinking about it. Lots of times people’s lawn mowers won’t start in the summer cause the tanks got water from condensation in it or something. Let’s just say you put 4 gallons of crap gas in it and you are going to need all five gallons of that new I am siphoning to make it down the road and hope your fuel filter don’t clog.” Farley said contemplating again.

“Aw hell, Momma’s pretty particular about that car, she’s going to have herself a hissy fit if it is not running right and she figures out I might have dumped some bad gas in it! Don’t tell her about that part, please Farley! She cares a lot about that car and she won’t be happy if we break down on the road. No sense worrying her about it, right Farley? We don’t have to mention that part do we? That regular gas we are putting in will fix it right up, won’t it?” Jeremy asked looking at him imploringly.

“Well, I guess not. But when we pour this good gas that we going to get out of that car into yours, you try distracting her while I do the car hula trying to mix it in. Somebody is going to say something if they see me bouncing that car up and down trying to mix things up.” “Farley said as they heard an agonizing groan coming from the house.

“Oh s**t, that bastards waking up! Jump in boy, we are out of here!” Farley said as the kid climbed over him on his way to the passenger’s seat.

“Hell you could have run around and opened up the door to get in.” Farley said while cranking up the car. “Hang on a second.” Farley said as he jumped out the cars’ door and retrieved his backpack from out of the bushes on the side of the road where he had left it while carefully eyeing the front door of the house then leaving in a cloud of dust.

“I was wondering what you were doing. I was hoping you were going back to whack him with that axe again.” Jeremy said as Farley looked over at him and groaned a bit.

“Now what are we going to do?” Jeremy asked as Farley put some distance between them and the house.

“You are going to learn how to drive! And I am going to attempt to keep you from trying to kill me again today while you’re doing it. Now listen up- do not do a damn thing unless I tell you to do it and if I had me a brick I’d put it under the gas pedal to keep you from playing race driver while I’m in it! Absolutely no stomping on the gas, no stomping on the brakes or jerking the steering wheel, you got it? Everything you do, you ease into it and you listen to me without question, o.k.?” Farley said wondering what he had got himself into now for letting this little heathen drive that big block engine car that the old man might have been running moonshine with because that engine was definitely not stock.

“OK, I’ll listen. I have been around cars. I am not totally ignorant you know.” The boy said flustered at Farley’s lack of trust in him.

“All right then. Here we go Jeremy.” Farley said as he pulled off the side of the road and shut the engine down so they could swap seats.

“Stick your foot on the brake, see it don’t go anywhere at the moment.” Farley said wanting the boy to know exactly where the brakes were at first.

“Well, I already know how to start a car up; Mama had me start the car up in the winter time to warm it up many times. I already drove it backwards once when she wasn’t looking too!” Jeremy said watching conflicting emotions cross Farley’s face.

“All right, since you know how to start one, here we go.” Farley said looking over at him and poised to grab the boy or the wheel if needed, and thankfully the kid didn’t stomp on the accelerator.

“Hey, this is easy! Nothing to it! I’m driving!” Jeremy said, all smiles.

“Yeah, you are doing well. Let’s keep it that way. Your motto today is slow and easy wins the race, you got me? I tell you another thing too son, once you start driving back towards that old crazy bastards house, don’t be turning it into no road race or be leaving me behind because, I also got this.” Farley said, arching his back and reaching into his pocket for the .380 pistol.

“Why didn’t you shoot that old man then? Why didn’t you shoot him, Farley?” The boy asked, looking at him like he was the dumbest creature on Earth.

“Get your eyes back on the road, boy. I would have shot the son of a b***h but he was on me too quick and I couldn’t get to it so I thumped him with that whopper chopper instead.” Farley said still sweating from the encounter.

“That was pretty cool! I never seen two old men go at it before; I didn’t think you all had it in you.” The boy began before Farley gave him that look again.

“This old man can still dance son, as for that other one, that son of a b***h put me through my paces and I feel lucky to be alive!” Farley said with a grimace.

“I mean, no sooner than I quit worrying about you running at me with your Boy Scout knife then that old man came running at me with that axe and murder in his eye. I guarantee you if I could have got to my pistol this day would have ended quite differently.” Farley said only half glad he hadn’t shot the old son of a b***h and wondering now what to do about him further.

“So what’s the plan now? We know he’s awake or we think he is maybe awake. He’s probably madder than hell and you left that axe of his laying out in the front yard so he’ll probably be back at us again with it!.” Jeremy said looking over at Farley.

“Damn boy, I told you watch the road.” Farley said easing the steering wheel back to get in the middle of the road.

“I don’t know boy, I’m thinking on it. If that axe finds its way into his hand again, I will shoot him. Now the big problem is I was going to give him his car back less that bit of gas we borrowed, but I’m thinking better of it at the moment. Which way is your Mama’s house from here anyway?” Farley asked but already knowing the answer.

“Well you got to go right back by Finch’s house to get there. Are you going to sneak up on him or you going to put the pedal to the metal as we go by?” Jeremy asked.

“Told you I was still thinking on it. I just don’t know at the moment. That puts a new hitch in my plans. I know he’s not going to be getting around too well with that whop in the head anyways but who the hell knows? At least as far as we know he don’t have no gun, you don’t have no pistol stuck in your shorts do you?” Farley asked eying the boy more closely.

“No, Farley, I told you he didn’t have any guns. I did see some bullets but I didn’t see any sign of any guns.” Jeremy said recollecting.

“What kind of bullets?” Farley asked once again reaching towards the wheel to make an adjustment and to remind the kid to quit looking at him when talking.

“Wasn’t much of anything, just an old partial box of .22’s that looked like they been there a hundred years.” Jeremy said paying more attention to his driving and not wanting Farley to threaten to thunk him on the head for looking at him or to the side of the road while driving.

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