The Wayward Axe

MARCHING DOWN THE AVENUE-3

Farley had played with what he playfully called his “whopper chopper, because he used it to whop things and chop things. This was his multipurpose axe tool he used frequently.

He had several times before this day tried to figure out what kind of fighting style do you need to sling something around that is some sort of across between a battle axe and a war hammer and practiced his own odd style of fighting with it thinking he might have to use it as a weapon someday. .

He had beat the air and a few likely tree stumps and branches in an animated duel with invisible aggressors before but he never thought he would be facing a man with an axe. A damn long handled axe at that!

In his imagination, he had fought off invisible aggressors with Bowie knives and tomahawks but what was facing him now had some considerable reach to it and a crazy man in back of it. His martial arts practice as the karate masters called it “Kata” would include doing figure eights like in a movie or something, but he had never thrown the son of a b***h before and that was what he was thinking now to keep that old bastard from sinking it into whatever part of his body he could get to, so all Farley could do was dance around staying out of the way and looking for an opening to take advantage of.

Farley finally said the hell with this and became more aggressive. He momentarily saw the opening he had been waiting for and stepped in. He swung his own weapon towards the man as the weight of the axe his aggressor was swinging carried the man sideways and left himself exposed and Farley proceeded to smack him right on top of the noggin with the flat of his own axe.

Farley thought about it later that he would normally have thought to hit him with the blade edge of the axe but it lent itself better to the whack attack like a giant spatula or fly swatter.

Axe and man went down like a ton of bricks and Farley caught himself holding the coup de grace killing stroke in his hand unsteadily standing over his attacker considering momentarily how far he should sink the head of his axe into him and put a permanent end to this nightmarish thing.

The old man didn’t move at all and there was blood seeping from a deep superficial wound in his skull starting to ooze onto the dirt. Although the fight had only lasted seconds, Farley had to catch his hard breathing while he eyed his would be murderer on the ground in shock and disbelief.

“Is he dead yet? Did you kill that mean old son of a b***h?” The boy shouted with glee in back of him.

“Shut up boy! What the hell caused him to act like that anyway?” Farley said shaking with the adrenaline from the confrontation.

“You killed him! You got that crazy bastard, good job! Thank you, mister! My name’s Jeremy.” The teenager said approaching Farley with his knife still out.

“Put that knife up boy, and tell me what the hell this is all about? What is he after you for anyway?” Farley said watching the boy sheath his knife.

“I wasn’t doing nothing for him to want to kill me! He got mad at me just because I was snooping around his garage is all.” the boy said sneaking the toe of his boot towards the man’s shoulder on the ground to see if there was any life left in him.

“Leave him alone, boy! I don’t know who in the hell he is or who in the hell you are, I just walked up on this little fiasco. Now step away from him for a minute.” Farley said kicking the man’s axe out of the way and moving the boy around to the other side.

“Now tell me why exactly, you said your name was Jeremy? was it that that old man was trying to kill you?” Farley asked, regarding the youth.

“Because he’s crazy, that’s why. Everyone around here knows that Mr. Finch is crazy! I wasn’t doing nothing but looking in his damn garage when he came running at me with that damn axe.” The boy said peeking around in back of Farley at the prone man lying bleeding on the ground.

The sun was hot and Farley was sweating like no tomorrow. He noticed he had some specks of blood dripping off his axe and wiped it on the grass. It freaked him out that this kid thought it was just fine and that he had probably just murdered somebody.

“What’s this world coming to?” Farley thought as he eyed the boy some more.

“Now I don’t believe you were just snooping, he said something about you stealing, just what was it you were you stealing anyway?” Farley asked looking around at the boy which had the shock effect he wanted on the boy.

“Well, I was going to steal me some gas, he ain’t going to be mowing his lawn anyway, he don’t need it. But I hadn’t touched anything yet and I was just looking around when he come out at me with that axe trying to chop my head off!” The boy said finally starting to show some signs of being shaken up.

“So is he a neighbor or kin to you? What was this man Finch to you?” Farley asked wondering if the man was still alive and not really caring since he had tried to take his head off a couple of minutes ago.

“Oh, he’s just a crazy old bastard, everybody knows he’s crazy. You aren’t from around here, or you would know that, wouldn’t you?” Jeremy inquired.

“I don’t know s**t about nothing except that you were stealing something and a crazy old man tried to kill me over it.” Farley said confused.

“I told you he was bonkers! He’s medicated crazy. He even gets a check from the government for being crazy. Momma told me stay away from around here but I was just looking and the old bastard tried to kill me!” The boy said, tearing up.

“Now calm down, we got us a problem to handle here, and it won’t make sense to anybody unless we can explain exactly how it all happened. I heard you hollering and I heard him hollering and I walked back here to see if I could intervene in some way when he came at me with that wood axe!” Farley said to the disheveled-looking young man.

“Yea, I saw it all. He attacked you first and you did some kind of Kung Fu s**t and whacked him on the head with yours! You think he’s dead?” the boy questioned.

“Well if he isn’t, he sure ought to be. I’m going to check on him in a minute but I don’t want to be too close to him too soon!” Farley said looking back over at the body.

“It sure is a good thing you come along. Hey, do you mind if I go looking for that gas now, mister?” The once again unfazed youngster asked.

“Boy, you got a cold heart. Yea, you can have some gas or whatever else he’s got as soon as we figure out what we got going on here. Come sit on this fence post over here a minute. Now where the hell do you live and where’s your Mama? Me and you are going to visit her AND You’re GOING TO Tell HER exactly what happened and how I got in this situation with you. Get your ass back here!” Farley said as he snagged the boy’s shoulder as he attempted to run away.

“You going to sit right here and we’re going to discuss this mess you caused.” Farley said sternly

“OK mister. But Mama told me not to come over here! She’s going to be mad as hell at me and you for hurting Mr. Finch!” Jeremy said accusingly.

“Boy, you don’t know how mad I am at you at the moment for causing all these problems. How far is it to your Mama’s from here?” Farley asked.

“We live in a rental cottage on Cutt Creek about two miles or so from here. Well, we don’t exactly live there, we were renting the place kind of like on vacation but stayed on past check out ever since the disaster thing happened.” the boy said looking at Farley.

“So you got stuck down here having a vacation and can’t get home? What’s the deal, son?” Farley said, keeping the little goomer within arm’s reach in case he tried to get away again.

“Yea, that’s what we been doing. I’ve been fishing and sort of looking around for vacant places and such to see if any canned goods or whatever was left in the kitchen. Mama said if we could find enough gas, we could go home. So today I was over here looking for some when that old man tried to whack me with that axe.” Jeremy said grinning.

“Don’t you be smiling all innocent at me, boy. You done got somebody seriously hurt or dead and you nearly got yourself customized and what would your Mama say to be in a fix like that? We got problems, young son, and you’re going to stand up and tell your Mama exactly what it is you caused here when we get you home. I got my eye on you, don’t try running off again.” Farley said laying down his blood encrusted axe that was starting to congeal and giving the boy a shiver.

“Ah no, sir! I ain’t going to run off. I’ll take you back to talk to my Mama. But you got to understand a thing or two. Mama ain’t always her normal self, she takes medication for what they call a bi-polar condition and she’s been outta pills so she ain’t quite right as they say.” The boy said with wisdom beyond his years and more understanding than he should have in his short life.

“Ah s**t! A crazy old man trying to kill me with an axe, a boy that don’t care that I might have just killed somebody and I got to take him back to his crazy mother! I’m having a baaaad day!” Farley thought.

“Boy, I don’t mean to be mean about this, but just how crazy is mama if you don’t mind me asking?” Farley asked in his best most schmoozing tone.

“Well, I been told she’s bat s**t crazy by a lot of folks but she’s been good to me. I seen her do some crazy things and if she’s got something in her hand and mad at you, steer clear!” The boy said thinking about his not so with-it sometimes non- functioning parent.

“She has her days, if you know what I mean. And on those days it’s best not to be around her.” the boy said looking down at the ground.

“O.K., unless you’re making all this up, it might not be the best idea to take you home right this minute.” Farley said looking into the boy’s eyes for some truth or direction.

“Well if you asked me yesterday, I would’ve said you never know, but with the size of this problem to explain I would be obliged if you would come along and help me explain it. You reckon he is really dead?” Jeremy asked looking over at the prostrate old man.

“If he ain’t, he ought to be, I suppose I better go check on him now.” Farley said going to see about the condition of the old man. He reached down and felt for pulse in the man’s sunburned wrinkled leathery neck and felt a dull pulse.

“Damn, he is a tough old bird, he is still living but that is a hell of lick I put on his noggin. Problem is now what to do about him.” Farley said contemplating.

“I say we see if he has any gas in that garage and we take that and get the hell out of here before he wakes up.” Jeremy said looking back towards the garage.

“Damn boy, you ain’t learned nothing today have you. We can’t just rob him and go off and leave him here.” Farley declared, exasperated.

“Why not? He tried to kill me and he tried to kill you. I say he owes us some gas just for that!” the boy said not put off at all from Farley’s scolding tone.

“You are a piece of work boy; you just can’t leave a man lying in a pool of blood out in the sun for the ants to feast on. We are going to have to drag his ass back in his house at least.” Farley said thinking that if the man was dead he probably would have left him lying there. Screw a bunch of Hollywood crap about burying him, but on the other hand no sense feeding the beasts of the woods or a hungry dog. Considering this, he would of probably drug him into the house or the garage anyway.

“O.k., so we drag him in the house, hey you want to take his car also?” Jeremy said jubilantly but soon lost his smile after the fierce look Farley gave him.

“How far you say you live from here?” Farley asked now thinking about the old Buick sitting in the driveway.

“About a mile and a half or so, we could drive over to momma’s and if you wouldn’t mind we could siphon off some of his gas and you could be on your way.” The boy said hopefully.

“Oh that would be cute you little heathen. I just drive up to your momma’s in a stolen car and tell her I smacked its former owner upside the head with the flat of my axe and left him bleeding at his house. What is wrong with that crazy old coot anyway? You said you knew him.” Farley said eying the boy.

“Oh I don’t know him personally but folks around here talk about him a lot. They say he has a spell and a run in with the law once in awhile and warned me and momma to steer clear of him. Guess I should have listened. What’s your name anyway? Can’t introduce you to Momma if I don’t know your name.” Jeremy said.

“Farley Wilkes, wish I could say it was a pleasure to meet you but its not.” Farley said with a wry smile and extended his hand to shake the boys’.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” the boy said grinning back.

“Let’s drag that old bastard into his house and throw him on the sofa or something. I will put a towel under him and maybe tie a sheet around his head and bandage him up to staunch some of that bleeding but we ain’t sticking around long.” Farley said, rising.

“Get out of here quicker if we just left him.” the boy mumbled but quickly grabbed the man’s feet and helped Farley drag him in the house.

They dumped him on the sofa as planned and they both glanced around the house to make sure no one else was around before Farley performed some quick first aid.

“I saw a dog door in the kitchen, make sure that dog has enough water and food for a long time and we will let that little noisy sucker in when we leave.” Farley said thinking about what was best to do for the little dog’s welfare now. Talking to it didn’t seem to calm it down but it looked like the nervous type anyway and they just left it in the yard for now. There was a little latch on the dog door and the old man evidently had been keeping it outside.

“Go look around real quick and make sure he doesn’t have a gun hidden somewhere but don’t steal anything you hear me? I don’t want him waking up while we are outside and him getting a hold of any firearms.” Farley declared sternly.

“If I find any guns can I have one?” The boy asked and then winced as Farley gave him the “stare”.

“O.k., O.k., Farley I ain’t thinking about taking anything but if there is more than one gun we find I want to talk about it more.” Jeremy said and commenced to open closets and look in drawers.

Farley patched the old man up quickly and begrudgingly and looked up when the boy said he couldn’t find any guns but there were some cans of food in the pantry to consider but Farley told him to leave it alone in case the old guy did wake up. He explained to the boy it was bad enough to leave the old geezer in such a state and he wouldn’t have it on his conscience to leave the old guy without food in this disaster. Starvation was no mans friend and he wasn’t reduced to even considering such a notion of abhorrent thievery at this stage of the game.

“What about the car? Are we going to borrow that?” Jeremy said stressing the word ‘borrow’ a bit much.

“I am still thinking on that; let’s go see how much gas he has in his shed first.” Farley said heading for the door.

“Hang on a second.” Farley said and then went to rifle the man’s pockets for his car keys and not finding them spotted them on a table near the door. One way or another if that thing had gas in it some of it was going in his van he decided. This apocalypse was no time for any other small mercies and he needed to get back mobile and on his way if he could. There were two cans of fuel in the garage, a one gallon can marked chainsaw and another can with just factory markings.

“Well, this is the size of the wealth you were after that caused this little fiasco.” Farley said hefting the cans and noting the regular gas one was only half full.

“Well, I would have taken it, a gallon and a half of gas is still a help.” the boy said uncaringly.

“I don’t know what it is that you and your momma are driving but that chainsaw gas has got oil in it. At best you would be smoking like hell if you didn’t dilute the hell out of it with some good gas.” Farley advised.

“The lawnmower still has gas in it. I can dump it in a pot or something and pour it back in the can. You were going to check how much gas he has in his car?” Jeremy said hopefully.

“That’s next on the list. Can you drive boy?” Farley said looking at the house in case that old half-dead scum gullin had somehow managed to wake up by now.

“Well no, I have never actually tried it but you could teach me. Hey, where you got your car parked anyway?” The boy said looking around at the front of the yard.

“I run out of gas a couple miles back and don’t start no s**t with me about it. Let’s see how much gas that old sled of his has in it.” Farley said setting off towards the Blue Buick and cranking it up to read the gauge.

“How much has he got?” Jeremy asked attempting to poke his head in the door to see for himself.

“About a little over a half a tank it appears.” Farley said shutting down the car and getting out.

“Well I know why you asked if could I drive now, we will go get your car and you can siphon off half of it and I can drive his home to Momma and we can siphon off the rest. Is that the plan?” The boy said excitedly at the prospect.

“Not only no, but hell no! That car is coming back here. Boy, you don’t have walking around sense.” Farley began before the boy cut him off.

“I don’t know why you want to give it back to him but o.k., I can find something around here to put some of its’ gas in.” The boy began before Farley cut him off.

“No boy, I swear, you the most thieving critter I ever met. Here is the deal: I will drive the old man’s car down to where I am broke down at and siphon me off a few gallons. I will teach you how to drive on the way there. I got a 5 gallon water jug in the back of the van you can dump out and we will get you some gas to go home with also. We leave the chainsaw gas for the old man. Hey, does he know where you live at?” Farley asked concerned now.

“Not that I know of, we only seen him once at the general store and that’s when we started hearing about him.” The boy said now with equal concern the crazy bastard might wake up and come looking for him.

“Where are you and your mother headed to if you got enough gas to go?” Farley inquired.

“Mobile, we got lots of kin down that way. We had a little over a quarter of a tank and Momma was going to go get gas the day this emergency come about but the pumps was closed and the store was cash only.” Jeremy declared.

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