Wrong Idol

8

Irene's POV

Face fully covered with a mask, a black cap on my head, and a huge padded coat covering my whole body, my hands were strategically inserted inside my coat's pocket. 

It wasn't because of the cold weather, nor the icy cold breeze that's probably more than enough to leave me frozen in place. 

It wasn't anything else, no other reason but him. 

Thirty minutes ago, I was facing the biggest crisis of my life deciding whether I should answer his call or not. 

I shouldn't if I was being religious to the promise I made to myself that I will be moving on. 

But my stupid heart gave in and I did. I answered the f*****g call so fast that I knew I was afraid that the constant ringing would end. 

Because I am hopeless. I've come to a point that I can finally admit to myself that moving on isn't easy. That no matter how much I try to ignore him, the more I get drown with this goddamn emotion that I wish I can f*****g control. 

I am Irene. I am good at controlling my emotions. But with him, I am hopeless. 

If it's him, I lose. 

"Here," I turned around when I heard his voice. It was shaking a little, probably because of the cold. On his hands were what seemed to be some hot packs that he gave me without hesitation. I had to turn away a little so he wouldn't notice how my cheeks blush. 

We were out here, in front of the bookshop we used to go to and hang around with. Luckily, it was still open but it was understandable that there's barely one or two people going around this late at night, and with this weather

"So," I started. The entire time we had seen each other, I was never the one who starts the conversation. But right now, I feel like I need to. 

He called me and I can see how his eyes were a bit red as if he just cried. 

"Oh, right..." soft chuckles escaped his lips as he stares down on his feet. 

He was smiling but I knew, behind those smiles, there was something deep going on. And the fact that he chose to call me surprises me a little. 

"Well yeah..." he started. I can sense how he's struggling to engage in a conversation but I waited. I let him speak. 

"Things haven't been easy, you know," 

I saw him gulp. It is very clear to me how he is struggling. 

"Things with the boys were bad. It's like we're in a midlife crisis and we don't know if it's still right to continue or we should just stop and disband,"

I was startled for a moment. 

Them, a group that has conquered the world, a group that had broken so many records and made history, is struggling just so they can survive and be together. 

I felt my eyes moistened. Just thinking about my own group being in the same situation kills me. 

"But we all agreed to stay together," again, a set of fake laughs escaped his lips. 

"And then there's Zan..."

My body stiffened at the mention of her name. 

I have never met the girl but the way Mono had spoken about her on the several occasions that he did, I feel like she's a saint, an ideal woman - perfect. 

And it hurts. The most painful part is that he's hers. With her, he fell in love. 

"I called you thinking that maybe being with someone, not Zan, not my members, would at least make me breathe a little. Coz I really really really need that right now," he started and I saw something dropped from the corner of his eyes. 

Was he crying? 

Just how much is he hurting? Just how much pain does he carry inside him? Being the leader must have put a lot of ton on him, and yeah, probably being far away from her too. 

My hands balled into a fist. I turned away a little. Seeing him shedding tears kills me. 

It kills me too. And I don't like it. 

"Hang in there..." I whispered. " I may not know how heavy the burden is right now but know that if you feel like you can't take the heaviness anymore, you have me. I may not have those tone muscles but I can surely lift," I joked before turning to his direction and I saw him smile. 

He wasn't wiping his tears and I somehow felt overwhelmed by the fact that he was showing his vulnerability to me. 

"And Zan," I gulped. "Kaiz-zan..." I started. "Don't give up on her. I haven't met her not saw even her picture but even with just the way you say her name, it's beautiful. It's full of....love," I whispered.

A love that I will never have. 

I turned towards him, the painful expression I have on my face hidden behind my mask. 

"Don't give her up. Because as much as you were hurting because of the distance, is the happiness you feel by just the thought of her loving you..." I added. 

And then I heard it, the sound of my heart shattering into pieces. 

As much as I would like them to break up, I want his happiness first. I want him to be happy.