The Playboy (Paddock Passion Series Book 3)

Part One - Chapter Eight

Part One - Chapter Eight

Marks Point of view

Fuck, f**k f*****g f**k man, what had I done! I didn’t to hearts and flowers, and I did not do passionate embraces, but there I was, enjoying holding her, the feel of her lips against mine was more erotic than any experience I had known,  of which there had been a lot. 

She was hesitant, shy, innocent, and now I knew just how innocent she actually was.  She wanted me to leave her alone, but I felt the confusion within her. 

For her sake to leave her alone is what I must do, I was not for her, I was not the relationship type of guy, I was the f**k’em and leave them type, and she was special, precious, she needed to be put on a pedestal for a guy to worship her, and only her, and I could never be that, no matter what I was starting to feel. 

Fuck … Feel, I actually had feelings for her, and because of that fact, I would walk away, and do what she asked, because I had feelings I want her to have the very best, and that is not me. 

That kiss was more satisfying to than f*****g 10,000 women, just that sweet taste of her beautiful lips, had me undone.  But I could never make her mine now, her first time should be special, with someone who would take her gently, love her passionately and never look at another again.  I was more than capable of making her special, and as much as it annoyed me she was already under my skin, what started out as wanting her to satisfy my own s****l need, had now changed, I wanted to do what was best for her, I actually f*****g cared, god she already was so f*****g special to me, but I did not have it within me to never look at another again, I knew my weakness, so I am bowing out, walking away before I hurt her, and before I find myself so dam well into her that I have no way back to myself. 

As I climbed into my bed, thoughts of her filled my mind, and my body reacted.  “Sorry boy, you cannot have her, she deserves better than us, but in less than a week, I will find you enough p***y to satisfy you don’t worry about that!”  f**k I really was going off my head, talking to my d**k, trying to reassure it that we would be okay… truth was, I was far from okay, cos this s**t of doing the right thing and letting her go, actually hurt, a physical pain right in my chest. 

I had gone out to blow off some steam, so I could rest before the race, but now I was in a state of confusion, fighting with myself over the decision I was taking to protect that sweet, innocent, beautiful girl. I could not f**k her now, I could never do that to her, she is worth so much more. “f**k” I bellowed. This was a f*****g horror show!

My sleep had been plagued by thoughts of Lilly, her big innocent eyes that you could get lost in, the taste of her sweet lips, her hair, that was in fact bed hair that was so arousing, how she was splashed in paint, her white top almost see through because of the water, tantalising, yet unassuming.  Her embarrassment of not ever been kissed before, well not properly, she had not admitted that she did not need to her body language had betrayed that little secret.  Her quick retorts to me, that were so dam cheeky, the cute blush she possesses, and the stubborn determination she has, she intrigued me, she made me want to know her, and not just sexually, but by GOD did I want to know her sexually, hell yeah. 

I had to stay away from her, I had to show her at least that amount of respect, and for f**k sake I had to concentrate on the race and clear my f*****g head from all this s**t!

They day progressed slowly, I avoided walking through the paddock where possible, and had hospitality deliver my food, I needed to keep away from Lilly, and if I saw her, I could not guarantee I would be able too. 

I proceed with some breathing exercises trying like f**k to focus my mind on this evenings task, I visualised the track in my mind, concentrating on each corner, hitting the perfect apex, how the bike had felt around the different sections on the track.  But try as I might, my mind wandered to her face, her tears as I held her against me, and I was back to square one. 

………………………………………………………………

I headed out to conduct my pre-arranged interviews with the media, answer the same questions on repeat, no wonder I often got bored and let the odd swear word slip, it spiced things up a bit, but given I was already 10,000 Euros down this weekend, I had to concentrate very hard on what I was saying to avoid another fine from the team.

Then here we were formed up on the grid, Sab in front, Nat as his brolly dolly, me beside him, with a brolly dolly who was giving me the glad eye.  She did her bit, sticking her t**s out into the camera with the fake smile, brolly in one hand the other on her hip, not that we needed a brolly in the dark but it was all part of the show, she smiled at me, “Hope you have a good race, are you all better now?” she asked, so news of my predicament had reached her ears,

“Thanks Love, and No not better, so you best move on to someone else “ I snapped at her, normally I would take some pleasure in her comment, but it was as empty as her brain was, and very annoying. He fake smile faulted slightly, but she recovered admirably.  I felt no guilt, no concern for her hurt feelings, I cared not what she thought about me, why should I, she had no respect for herself, so why should I respect her. She was nothing like Lilly, she did respect herself, and in returned she had earned my resect.

OH! f**k here I go again with the LILLY s**t! Lets just get this f*****g race started!

Finally it was green light and away I went, I had royally f****d up the start, slipping the dam clutch, and was now dropping down the order like a f*****g stone, I had gone backwards sitting at P7 and caught in a gaggle of riders as we tipped into turn one, I was the meat in the proverbial sandwich stuck here in the middle, two running alongside me on the inside three on the outside of the track, I had nowhere to go, I weaved the bike, trying  threading the eye of the needle, but I needed the power now to pull ahead of them, I twisted the throttle, just a smidgen too much and  tucked the front, she went from underneath me, I slid now, taking down the rider to my right as I headed towards the kitty litter.

 f**k! I was unhurt, getting straight up and running to the bike, the other rider was okay he was doing the same, I would apologise later, right now I needed to get back on and round the track. I pulled the bike up, two marshals helping me, I was trying like hell to bump start the fucker, but the bike was having none of it, f**k! “Come on you fucker start!” I was screaming into my helmet, but she refused point blank, the marshals now waving at me to stop, one actually holding the front of my bike, Wanker, just let me get it started!  Another marshal was pointing down the back side of the bike, as he did, I felt a high degree of heat on my back, as I turned around the fucker was on fire.  I jumped clear, as the marshals sprayed the bike with their fire extinguishers.  Bastard! What a perfect end to a f*****g perfect weekend. 

I made my way back to the pit’s on the back of some random scooter, it was not far to travel given I had not even managed to get round turn one, I knew the stewards would look at who’s fault the accident was, and I knew it was mine, I had asked for to much power, not quite remembering this bike was a lot more powerful than my old one, so hands up and take the s**t that was coming my way. 

As I entered the pit box the mechanics all patted me on the back, asking if I was okay, f**k no I was not f*****g okay, I had f****d up royally, and mad Alex would no doubt be on my f*****g case again!

Surprisingly though he was not, Sab had won, yet again, so he was in a less mad mood than usual, he came over to me patted me on my back

“Yeah, this happens, you asked for too much power, you will learn for next time, we succeed as a team, and we fail as a team,” and he left, not giving me a chance to apologise!

Sab appeared “Hey Mark, are you okay?” he asked, his voice was concerned, but I knew it would not be long before he took the piss.

“Yeah, f****d up the start, then f****d up the throttle!” I told him, there was no need for excuses, we were all riders, we all knew the score, and one of my pet hates were those guys on track that took no responsibility for their actions and blamed every body else for their mistakes.

“It happens, I was going to detour to a shop and get a steak for your BBQ” he laughed

“Yeah, yeah, the marshals put the fucker out before I got my shrimps on!” It was pointless getting upset over banter, it was all part and parcel of paddock life.

I left the garage and headed for the Motorhome, I would leave tomorrow, heading straight to Argentina it was back to back races, until Jerez so needed to pack up my s**t ready for the flight. 

As I walked towards the door, there she was, stood nervously waiting, shifting from foot to foot, looking scared out of her wits.   I headed over to her picking up the pace, why was I so glad to see her, given I so desperately needed to keep away from her, but here I was like a kid at Christmas excited to know why she was stood outside my door!

Don’t say anything stupid, don’t f**k this up further just keep your shitty self together

“Hey Lilly” yeah that was lame, but not stupid I suppose

“Hey Man w***e” she smiled shyly at me now. f**k it was cute and I felt the little soldier stand to attention pushing against my shorts, well at least he wasn’t burning anymore so that was a bonus!

I opened the door and stood waiting for her to move, but she didn’t she just looked down I could see how embarrassed she was

“You coming in… or standing there all night?” I asked, God, did she just look around to see if anyone was about? she did, f**k me, charming!

Hesitantly she entered and stood beside the long sofa at the front. The place was a tip, my clothes strewn everywhere, f**k I never normally gave a s**t what girls thought, but I felt a little embarrassed at my mess.  I quickly gathered up some clothes, and threw them into the bedroom, then sat down, patting the seat beside me.

“I wont bite or try anything. scouts honour!” I promised her, even if I did want to rip her clothes off her back and give her the ride of her life.

“I watched the race! And well, just wondered if you were okay, I saw the fire” her eyes never met mine and she had remained standing.  f**k she was concerned, it felt good, in some way, but I needed her not to care, I needed not to care, but dam did it feel nice inside having her care for me, and f**k me I definitely still cared for her, more than I would ever admit to.

“Yeah I am all good, now Lilly sit will you, your making the place look more untidy than it already is” She was s**t scared, I could see it in her face, yet she had come, she had f*****g come here and I was so f*****g happy about it!

She finally took a seat,

“I didn’t know you cared” I jested with her

“I don’t! was going to have a celebration if you were not okay” she quipped, “s**t sorry, I should not say that it was a bad joke” she added quickly

“Hey, it is okay, I like your cheeky side” I tried to reassure her, f**k I liked every f*****g side of her, what the f**k was I doing! I was resolved to stay away, for her sake, yet here I am wanting her to stay and not to f**k, to stay and talk!

She giggled then, making me grin like the cat who had pinched the cream off the top of the milk.

“Mark, all joking aside, about last night” she looked down now, her face growing redder by the second

“What about it?” I tried to sound nonchalant, but I had failed the wobble in my voice betrayed me

“I should never have let you kiss me” she was not looking at me, and I saw a tear spring from her eyes, f**k it was only a kiss, who was I kidding, it was more than that, she knew it and so did I

Instinctively I reached out and lifted her chin, so she was facing me.

“Lilly, I will not tell you it was just a kiss, because l don’t do kissing, yet last night, f**k even right now I want to kiss and cuddle you, okay I admit a whole load of other stuff as well, but that I can get anywhere.  it was more than Just a kiss, and I don’t understand it myself.  I know you don’t like me, I know you hate the fact that I am the playboy, I get that, I understand that, and I would love nothing more than to be able to sit here and tell you that I could do a relationship and give you everything you deserve, to be top priority, to worship you like Sab and Sam worship Nat and Emily, but the truth is, you are different, different from the nameless faceless women who I entertain, and that is why I cannot lie to you Lilly. I could never be what you need me to be, as much as I want to, and f**k I really want to, but eventually I would f**k up, I would go off with some bimbo because I do not have the ability to be with just one woman, no matter how much I feel for her, so you are right, as much as I do not want to, for your sake I have to stay away from you” The air was thick between us, the silence deafening. For f**k sake I wanted to hold her, I wanted her so badly, and not even in a s****l way.

“Thank you Mark, I appreciate your honesty, so I am going to be honest, do I dislike your lifestyle choices?, yes, do I hate you? As much as I want to ,no, I don’t, do I find you physically attractive?, well obviously last night proved that point, but I wanted to say, I cannot be involved with you, and ask, no beg you not to do that again, but I would like to be friends, if that is not to much of a cliché “ her voice was quiet, she was protecting herself as much as I wanted to protect her.

“Friend’s yeah I can do that, I think” maybe I could be just friends with her, at least then she would be in my life in some way, and at least then I could do what I wanted outside the friendship. I was a selfish bastard, I had wanted to avoid her, but she was here and now I don’t think I have the ability to do that, she drove me crazy. Was friendship the answer? f**k it I don’t know, but I am sure as hell know one thing, I can no more let her go completely than I can stop the sun rising each morning.

“But hey being honest, I cannot promise to not imagine f*****g you senseless Lilly, friends or not… I am a Man w***e after all but I can promise you that I will protect your innocence, not just from me but any other underserving d**k head that would seek to take advantage of you” I laughed, and yeah I was being honest I could never promise not to think of her in my bed, and yeah I would f*****g protect her innocence like my dam life depended on it, now was it a case of if I cannot have her no fucker else would, maybe a little, but more than that, she deserved to be treated like a princess, so I would make dam sure any bloke who threw his cap at her was worthy.

We chatted freely then, she made me laugh, so dam much, but it was now 3 am, and she had to go get some sleep, she had to pack up the nursery in the morning, ready to head out for her own flight to Argentina, and I was keeping her up talking, I did not want her to leave, but knew she had to go.

“Hey it’s getting late, I will walk you back to yours” I offered.

We headed out in silence, slightly giggling at the amount of snoring coming from the various motorhomes, as we reached her door, I pulled her in for a “Friendly” hug, well that’s what I was going with, and who is there about to argue that fact with me. 

As I pulled her close, my body felt like a million electric bolts was passing through it, leaving me with a tingling feeling that was consuming me, oh f**k there it was, her n*****s hard against my chest, and there I was bulging against her, oh f**k, this was intense, I did not want to let her go.  This feeling was better than s*x, it was amazing, and I wanted her to stay in my arms for as long as possible, what the f**k! I was going soft, well bits of me were getting very hard, but you know what I mean! She seemed to be as reluctant as I was to part, and the urge to kiss her was so difficult to supress, I bent my head down, then did something that I had never in my life done before, I kissed the top of her f*****g head! She coughed slightly and pulled away,

“Night Mark” and with that she left me stood like a grinning i***t thinking Friends my arse.