The Sigma Wolf

Chapter 23 - Confusion

Susie

I ran like the coward I am. I left him there, f**k the game, f**k his rules, f**k everything. I ran into my place and locked myself in my room. The darkness covered me, protecting me like a shield from what just happened.

I love Alan, I am in love with Alan. I am supposed to be yearning to kiss Alan, but somehow Ajax just stole that from me. Am I complaining about it? I have mixed feelings. I wanted to save all my firsts for Alan, but damn it if I say I didn't enjoy Ajax's kisses and touch. Is it like that with everyone? Like, would I feel the same if I kissed any random guy? Or did I feel this way because it was Ajax?

I slumped in my bed and buried my face in the pillow, muffling a desperate scream. It was my first kiss, and it was spectacular. It was not a normal kiss; it was something else. I have always dreamed about my first kiss. Of course, the male in front of me was another one, Alan.

I imagine a first kiss would be tender and make you feel lightheaded and cared for. I had always envisioned Alan stepping closer to me and tenderly kissing me, sending my mind into overdrive, but what happened earlier with Ajax was completely different from what I had ever imagined,

With Ajax, my entire body felt alive. His lips were soft and tender; every caress was purposeful. His lips didn't come to mine initially; he warmed up that moment. It was passionate and lustful, and it made me lose myself in it. At some point, I yearned for more and wanted more. f**k! I didn't want it to stop. So when it stopped, I did what any reasonable being would do if caught red-handed. I ran.

Now, my mind and feelings are tangled in a mess of emotions. Alan was the one I had imagined myself with for an eternity, but Ajax… Ajax is calling out to my soul, to its deepest desires. I trust Alan, and I feel comfortable with him. I know him better than with the back of my hand, while Ajax is a complete unknown. He is intriguing, and I feel drawn to him like a moth to flame. It is as if an invisible pull drew me close to him, but we are not mates. I don't feel a bond between us. Chemistry, yes, but no bond. Attraction, yes, but no pull...

I muffled another scream; this was so f*****g frustrating.

It took me a while to recover from the feelings I was experiencing, and when I did, I wanted some comfort food. So I made my way to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I got a pint of cookies-and-cream ice cream, returned to my room, and sat on the balcony.

I couldn't sleep every time I closed my eyes. I kept reliving the moment when his lips touched mine. Shivers ran over my skin whenever I touched my lips or neck…

MY NECK! f**k… I left my balcony and made my way to my bathroom. I turned the lights on and gasped, appalled… I was sporting a f*****g love bite on it… DAMN IT!

How could he? Now, I look no better than Gracie after one of her escapades. I look like a cheap w***e. Am I becoming Gracie? No way… I swore to be the complete opposite. Now I feel disgusted.

I took a deep breath and prayed the mark would fade tomorrow. I returned to my ice cream and finished it. I was ready to go to bed when I heard the door of the Penthouse opening. I heard voices, and I knew my friends were back. I wanted to see everyone, but I was also afraid of finding out Ajax had ruined my dream future with Alan.

I wrapped myself in my fluffy robe, concealing the love bite Ajax left on my neck, and walked downstairs. Mike was drunk, as usual. Alan was carrying him up the stairs while Diana and Gio were kissing at the entrance. Maggie was pouring a glass of water to leave for Mike in case he needed it overnight.

“Rough night?” I asked Maggie, and she nodded. Yeah. Mike drank himself into oblivion.“Yeah, I saw that.” I said, and she sighed.

“How about you?” She asked, and I sighed…

“It was a long night…” I said, and she nodded.

“You will have to spill the tea later,” she said, and I shook my head. I was not ready to tell anyone what had happened between Ajax and me.

“Maybe…” I chuckled, and she laughed.

“We both know Mike will squeeze it out of you…” She chuckled, and I laughed,

“If I let him,” I laughed, and my laughter faded when I saw Alan descending the stairs. His bronzed skin and green eyes were mesmerizing. He was deep in thought, and suddenly, he lifted his gaze and gifted me one of his dashing smiles. Yeah, he is the one… Is he? I shook my head, got rid of my doubts, perked up, and approached him.

“Hey, thanks for bringing Mike… and helping settle.” I sighed. “He is a handful,” I chuckled.

“My pleasure… gorgeous.” He said, making my stomach flutter, but nothing else. No butterflies, knee caving, somersaults, or fast heart rate… Nothing. It was as if Ajax left a vacuum for everyone else.

“Did you have fun?” I asked,

“Yeah, but we missed you.” He said, and I blushed.

“Next time…” I sighed, and he nodded. He stood there, locking eyes with mine. I gave him a shy smile, and then he closed the distance between us and pecked my cheek. Usually, I felt like my world had stopped, but tonight, I felt only emptiness.

With a tight smile, I sighed, “Good night, Alan.”

“Dream of me, sweet girl.” He flirted, and I nodded shyly. He still affected me, but not as strong or as powerful as whatever happened between me and Ajax.

Ajax, Ajax, Ajax, f*****g Ajax… what did he do to me? He is flipping my entire world off its axis. I need to do something… I can't see him in class or keep meeting him with the excuse of having the project. I need to put as much distance as I can. With that in mind, I finally went to bed.

The next day, I woke up and sat outside Mr. Costas's office. I waited for him for three hours but was determined to get out of this project or at least have my partner swapped. I stood up when he walked closer. “Ms. Goldenberg…” He greeted me,

“Hi, Mr. Costas. I was waiting for you,” I said, and he nodded.

“So, I see… How can I help you?” He said, opening his office door and allowing me to enter. “Have a seat,” he said. Mr. Costas was a renowned teacher. He was the toughest teacher in school, and aside from that, he was a high-ranking member of King Auburnwülf´s parliament. His time was limited.

“I need a partner change… for the final project,” I said, without going around the bush. He looked at me with amusement and with what I thought was sympathy.

“No…” He said bluntly, and I bit my lower lip.

“But things with my partner are not working…” I said, and tears welled in my eyes, “I need this class to move forward with my curriculum…” I said, and he nodded,

“Like every other student, Ms. Goldenberg… So, I suggest you make it work with your partner or drop the class… those are the two options.” He said in a definite way. “What would it be?” He lifted his eyebrows.

“I will make it work, Mr. Costas… Thank you for your time,” I said between clenched teeth, and then turned around and exited the office, tears welling in my eyes. How in this f*****g world am I going to go through this class? If this had happened three months down the road, it would not have been as bad, but we have been in the curse for a week… that makes it 5 months and three weeks to f*****g go. Please, Goddess, save me.