You're Killing Me, Mate.

3. Regression

Mirage^^^

Warning: Dark and Suicidal Themes that might trigger you. 

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

7 years ago 

13-year-old Mirage

"What's happening to her?" I hear the fear in Mom's voice. It felt as if it was tangible while her hand on mine was tight. it also feels a lot like begging which cause my heart to twinge, a demon never begs and it's something her own clan would be ashamed of if they knew "Please, doctor Frederick tell me" 

Look how you're making her suffer Eros whispers in my mind. I can see her wolf form in my head, the splotches of brown on light tan made her look so pretty. Her golden eyes glaring at me with her lip strained back to show me her canines. 

I wondered for a moment, how someone so beautiful and someone who is a part of me can say such things to me. Her next words snaps me out of my thoughts

You're such a worthless thing that you're just a burden to the people around you. Aren't you tired of being such a worthless mass occupying space? 

My breath hitches. She's right, they're right I'm nothing but trouble to the people around me. My own demon mom should be ashamed of me, she should've thrown me out when she had a chance. 

I am tired I admit to myself and to them. I'm incredibly tired of it all, of me living and feeling as if I'm never going to get better at all. I'm a hopeless case, a case everyone should have given up on.

You should kill yourself Deima agrees, the paler and more beautiful version of me stands with her chin up. She looks at me with full disdain and hate which is the same look she gives to Eros just a few meters across her. 

I should kill myself. I agree, my free hand twitching for something sharp. Something that I can hurt myself with.

There are so many people who would be incredibly happy without you here. No one is going to miss you not even us Eros admonishes. She's pawing through my sanity again, my consciousness making me think that perhaps she's right. 

No one is going to miss me the thought makes the pain in my chest almost unbearable. No one should ever need me and ever want me.

Yes, no one. Isn't that nicer? You can go quietly and there would be no fuss since you being born you're nothing but trouble. This is the Goddesses mercy for you, a quiet end to a troublesome being. She didn't have to do that, did she?

She didn't

Then isn't she nice for going out of her way to give this to you?

She is 

It is almost like a gift 

It's a gift from the moon Goddess

The Goddess has given you a way to be happy and useful Deima's voice was seducing and compelling. She always used the vampire ability of seduction on me. It would be rude to decline the Moon Goddesses gift

It is

So? She innocently says with her eyes widening and her shoulder doing a small shrug. What are you waiting for? 

I sit up while I feel all of the adults look at me. I see they didn't even expect me to move or respond to anything, but my Mom's hand was heavy on mine. I thought for a moment that I shouldn't be doing this, but I feel so incredibly empty to stop or to care. 

"Honey," Mom's hand squeezes even tighter on my hand. It was painful, but it was nothing compared to the pain inside of me. I feel empty as if someone has carved out where my insides were supposed to be. "Don't listen to them but listen to me. I love you so much, my heart and blood. I love you so much it's painful"

She cups my cheeks now. Her tears dropping to my lap and I feel even worst. I made my demon Mom cry. Demons don't cry, and I made a demon cry. Not to mention, she's my mom. 

See how much you're making her suffer. Making a demon cry, ha! You've done nothing but sully her name as a demon. Deima sneers, her beautiful face scowling. Die Mirage and you know you deserve it.

I do, I do deserve it I look blankly at my Mom's face. I really didn't deserve to live. I should have died years ago and here I was. There was an itch in me, an itch to take something sharp and drag it along my skin and plunge it deep in to my body. 

I want to see my cuts become deep as my flesh pucker open and my blood rushing down my arm. I want to die to end the constant pain in my chest. I want the pain I give to my parents to end and I want to be free. 

"Mirage! No!" Mom shouts. I didn't know why she's shouting but before I know it the doctors were running around, and Mom was gripping on to my wrist. 

I have the urge to swallow and I end up tasting rust. I was biting on something, but I didn't know what. I look down to see my arm in my mouth with my teeth dug deep in my flesh. The pain feels as if a release from the heavier ones inside of me. I wanted more of it, I wanted more of those kinds of releases. 

So, I bit harder and lower. I keep digging my teeth into my flesh while I'm deaf to whatever was happening to my surroundings. The rush of release and even high of it makes me want to do it more

Deeper and harder, keep biting till you're bleeding through every pore of your body Eros urges and I do what she says. 

Keep doing it Deima whispers softly to my ear. It was the first time I have ever seen her smile. Our blood tastes like candy, don't you want more of it?

I doI answer her. My blood did taste sweet, so I suck in as much as I can while I bit more around my arm. 

Tear your wrists apart so it can finally end Eros smirks. That would be it, Mirage. Just one deep bite on your wrist and it would all end. 

You'll never feel pain again Deima adds

Nor will you ever be a burden to your parents 

I drag my mouth to my wrists. I just remembered that my Mom was holding on tightly in to it. I look at her hand and then to her face. Her face contorted in pain with tears trailing down her chin.

I didn't know how many bites I've had on my arm. I just knew that my white blankets were red as if someone just threw dark red paint on a canvas. I could never forget my Mom's face at that second, she looked at me as if I'm eating her heart while she fought to stay awake though sheer will and stubbornness. 

"No" she says through gritted teeth. Her hand holds tightly on my wrist and I think she's cutting the circulation on my hand. "I refuse to loseyou. I wouldn't be able to breathe if I do and if I have to hold you down myself, I will because you're my daughter and I refuse to let you be like this. No one is going to take you away from me not even the devil himself. Please, my blood and heart, listen to me"

Bite through her hand, she won't feel it. She's an adult demon they'll heal but your pain won't fade if you keep on living. Eros says

But Mama looks so—

Mama is suffering because of you, you need to end her suffering by ending your life Deima was the one saying this. You're the cause of all of these.

You're the cause of everything horrible in their life. They were thrown out of the clan because of you. you've ruined their lives

You're right, I have ruined their lives, so I don't deserve to live. 

I bite as deep as I can while I hear Mom's loud scream. Deima and Eros drowns out the sounds around me by telling me that this was the right thing and they're going to help me until I finish. I was going to be free from it all and the world is going to be a better place when I'm gone. 

They'll be free from me and they'll be put in to separate bodies where they'll be happy. I'll be free, and my parents can go back to their clan without them being shunned and ostracized because of their hybrid abomination. 

Then everything was suddenly dark. 

-

-

PRESENT

My lips trembled and my eyes finally lets the tears go. His face is still a blurry mess in my eyes. "You were right to reject me because I can't imagine being touched by the very person who cut this in to my skin. I wish you and the girl you'll call as your Luna the very best so I reject your offer as an acting Luna but I will find a way to not be a burden to your pack. Excuse me Alpha Frier but this isn't negotiable, you owe me that" 

He breathes in heavily, his eyes hasn't left the words on my body. His fists shaking on his sides looking as if he's convulsing. He looks ready to explode but he bites his lower lip and takes a huge step back away from me. 

He looks terribly conflicted, this is the first time I see him being remorseful of what happened. I button back my shirt and look away from him. I press the buttons on the elevator until I felt it shook and move down. 

"I accept your refusal but I need you to have a job by next week, understood?" 

I breathe out a sigh of relief. I got through him. "I'll find a job by then"

The elevator got to the ground floor again, the doors slide open when he pushes the close button. I stop just in time before it could hit me. I throw glare at him but he just softly looks down to me. 

"I just want to say...I'm..." his brows furrow. 

"You're what?" I raise my brows while waiting for him to finish.

He shakes his head and presses a button and the elevator doors open again. "Nothing, get out of my sight. I don't want to see you unless I have to"

He's back, just as there was a guy standing in front of us. I recognize him as Frier's Beta, Beta Merkson. He has a curious glint in his green eyes while he grins at me. He's one of the few people at school that actually treated me like a breathing and living person. 

Frier had a closer friend who was just as cruel as him, David. I've always thought David would be Frier's Beta as they were inseparable in high school but I guess something must have happened. Seeing that Merkson bears the smell of a Beta rather than that i***t. I'm relieved for a second but only for a second. I feel the creeping coldness in my body. 

"It's been a long time, Mirage" he smiles kindly at me, his blonde hair gelled back. He looks neat and quite dashing in his suit. He looks like an owner of a company and it suits him. "You look amazing now" 

I nod in acknowledgement before stepping away from the two and as much as I wanted to be nice and reply to the person who rescued me when I was bleeding out, I just needed to get away. The memories is too much just as I thought I could handle all of it, everything just came crashing back down. 

I regret coming here, this must be what Pandora felt when she opened the box. All of the self-hatred and the pain just because I am faced by my tormentor. I thought I was okay that I was finally fine because I have made so much progress even Iona, my best friend,said that I look as if I'm happy. I thought I was too. 

I thought I was happy from meeting Miguel and loving him. I thought moving away from this godforsaken town made me happy but moving back is just making me incredibly miserable. I shouldn't have come back. I shouldn't have talked to Frier and opened up something that I apparently am not ready nor I think I will ever be ready to face. 

I'm so incredibly stupid

You are and you haven't changed since you were that weak and naïve little girl Deima pushes through the front of my mind so that my attention is on her. So that I can hear her voice loud and clear in my mind and even drowning out the voices of mine. 

I walk until I reached the outside of the pack house then I was running. I ran as fast as my legs can take me. I didn't care about my heart, let it explode if it wanted to. I wanted it to. 

Did you really think you'll be happy? You don't even deserve it. What makes you think that you did? You brought nothing but strife on the lives around you. you're better off gone!

It's because of you that our mate doesn't want us Eros snaps at me. I feel her pushing my body to make my heart beat even faster. It's because of your blood that everyone in this f*****g world hates us. 

He was right! You're a monster, an abomination. You disgust us and you shouldn't have survived! Deima hisses near my ear as if she's just standing beside me even if I was running through the forest. I feel my veins constricting and letting more blood in my heart.

You should die! Kill yourself!

I willI answer to them. My tears blurring my vision as I keep running. 

Kill yourself so I wouldn't have to listen to this sweaty and gross mongrel

You won't have to any longer 

Kill your worthless self because the world doesn't need someone like you! 

I know, this world really didn't want me. 

It was happening again, I'm regressing. I am listening to the beings that shared my body and even agreeing with them but even as I say this in my mind, I didn't care. I am going to go through it. I am going to finally be rid of this life and die. 

No one is going to stop me. 

And no one willBoth Deima and Eros says in unison