Pedal to the Metal

Chapter 13

Meg

We got inside and it was like a switch flipped. I didn't know what I was doing. My son was here. I was here. This was new. Is it okay for Beckett to be here? Would I be a bad mom if I said I wanted him to be? Regardless, I turned to Jude and said. “I should go...” my voice was soft and unsure.

Jude, sensing my unease, walked slowly over to me. His hands pressed to my shoulders and applied light pressure. He was grounding me. When I wouldn't look at him, he tilted my chin up, forcing my eyes to his. They were soft. Understanding. They were so damn blue it was like looking into the water on a Caribbean beach.

“Stay. Beckett is already asleep. It's late out, I don't want you driving at night.” he said. His eyes darkened a bit and his grip tightened. It wasn't painful, but it seemed like he was lost in his own head for a bit before he shook it slightly.

“But where will we sleep?”

“You'll take my room.” he started and I went to speak, to tell him no, not just no, but no way in hell, but he put his hand over my mouth effectively silencing me. He gave me a hard look that said he was in charge and he meant it.

“You'll take my room and ill sleep on the sofa.” he said and even still that was ridiculous! He had a race tomorrow and I mumbled as such around his hand that was still pressed to my mouth.

“I don't care. I want you to be comfortable. That sofa is just as comfortable. I've slept in worse conditions before a race. Especially in my rookie years. And what kind of gentleman would I be if I told the girl I just said I wanted a relationship with, that she needed to sleep on the sofa?”

He had a soft smile on his face that brought out his dimples through the stubble. I lifted my hands, caught in the moment, caught in how damn beautiful he was. And yes, men could be beautiful.

His breath caught and he held still as if he was afraid that if he moved, I'd pull away. Maybe I would, but maybe I wouldn't. His stubble was rough and scratchy against my fingers, and he smelled like leather and pine. His eyes closed and he sighed as my skin made contact with his.

“How did you fool everyone?” I asked and he blinked a few times and raised a brow. “How did you make everyone believe that you're someone that you're not?”

When he didn't respond, I added, “You're not a bad guy, you're not an asshole. I think it's just a coverup. A big facade. I don't know why you've done it, but I think you're tired. Tired of hiding who you really are. I think the parties, the bars, the woman, was all a show. A show to redirect everyone from where they wanted to look. But I see you, Jude.” I whispered. It surprised me how I meant it, how I saw him.

“You got one thing wrong, Darlin'’” he whispered and kissed my forehead. “I am most definitely an asshole. To almost everyone, except you. I'll show you to the room.”

He walked me through the living room quietly as a mouse and it was cute that he thought of Beckett in that moment and didn't want to wake him. I'm not sure if he understands all things toddler related but one thing he would find out is if he woke Beckett up before he was ready, he needed to be prepared for world war three!

We went down a somewhat long hallway and passed by a few rooms that I could hear snores out of. Those were more than likely rooms for his pit crew and team. We finally got to the end of the hall and a room that was large for a trailer of this size came into view.

The room was painted a soft charcoal gray with blue and brown accents. The room screamed masculine but was designed by a woman. The bed was plush and looked soft enough for me to jump on and sleep for days. Something I feel like I haven't done in forever.

“There's a private bathroom through that door. Here's a pair of sweatpants though I doubt they will fit you. Would you like a Tee shirt?” he rambled on as he passed me the gray cotton drawstring pants. They were warm and soft in my grasp and it was sweet that he was even offering me anything.

“You said there was a bathroom? Would you mind if I showered? It's okay if not, but I am covered in sweat and grime from today and I feel absolutely disgusting.”

He bit his lip and his jaw clenched as if he was refraining from saying what he wanted. “Sure, I'll grab you a towel. Do you need anything else, Meg?”

“No, you've been amazing, Jude. Really. You really do surprise me.” he had a slight pink tone covering his cheeks and I realized he was blushing. I don't think it's often that Jude receives a genuine compliment and I made a mental note to do it more often.

Before he turned away though, it was like his eyes were glued to mine. I could feel the chemistry. I could feel the connection between us. It scared the absolute crap out of me. I'm a divorcee. I'm a single mom. I'm not the one who gets the guy in the end. I'm not the girl who gets the happily ever after. Things like that don't happen to people like me.

I have to get used to changing that mindset. I have to get used to changing myself. Beckett deserves better and he deserves the best. I'm not saying Jude is the best, but if there is a chance he could be and if there is a chance he could be the one for me, don't I have the right to prove it to myself? Don't I owe it to myself and Beckett to give it all I have?

For years, even before my divorce, I was doing practically everything on my own. I was a married single mother, which sounds ridiculous, but I was the one who did the shopping, the cooking and the cleaning. I was the therapist, the chauffeur, the best friend. I was the one who kissed his booboos. I was the one taking him to all of his doctor's appointments. I was the one planning the birthday parties and taking him to playdates. I was the one planning fun things for us to do when we had the time because I wanted my son to have amazing memories. I was a nurse, a maid, and I was expected to do it all without complaint.

I was supposed to just be thankful that I was a mom as if I was the only one who made Beckett. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart and every fiber of my soul but it takes two to make a baby and somehow I got the short end of the stick. Meanwhile, Beckett looks exactly like his dad and his dad gets to claim fatherhood without even lifting a finger. I grew resentful and bitter. I can see it for what it is now though.

I was burned out. I was tired, I was exhausted. I never got to tell anyone that I was hurting or that I was going through anything. Not that anyone would have believed me anyways. Daniel was and still is a master manipulator.

I cried myself to sleep so many nights thinking I was the one who was in the wrong. I was the f****d up one. I spent so many wasted nights of my life thinking that it was my fault that we fought or we were in the rut we were in. I didn't have anyone to pick me up and kiss my booboos. I was too proud to tell my dad and brother what was happening. I was too ashamed to let them know that I had sunk so low to allow a man to make me question my value and worth.

I felt so worthless when I was married to Daniel and it was like signing those divorce papers freed me. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. I was no longer his to torture and torment. But just like before, I picked myself up and I will continue to pick myself up. But could I loosen the reins a bit to let Jude in? Could he possibly be the one who teaches me the way to love and the proper way to love myself?

His face was focused on me and his brow creased. “What's on your mind?”

“Nothing,” I lied. “Just happy is all.” which was the truth. I was out of a bad marriage. I had friends. I had a family. I think I had Jude, but that was to be determined.

“Go ahead and shower. I'll grab you some towels.” he whispered and shut the door to the master suite.

I gently closed the bathroom door and leaned my head against it and took a deep breath. I could do this. Couldn't I?

I started the shower and turned the temperature up to scalding and climbed in. letting the steam relax my muscles. Letting the warm water clear my mind. I heard the door open and a quick intake of breath before it was closed a little more loudly this time. I peeked out the curtain and just like he promised. Fluffy towels folded onto the countertops were waiting for me.