Pedal to the Metal

Chapter 10

***Trigger warning - This chapter may contain some scenarios that may be triggering to some. Read at your own discretion ***

Jude

Everyone had left and Beckett was asleep on the bean bag in the living room. I grabbed two beers out of my fridge and met Meg out on the wooden deck. She stayed later than I expected her to, but you weren't going to find me complaining. I wasn't sure what was happening to me. I'm the infamous playboy, but here I am simping over a woman I barely know. I feel this need to have her. To keep her. And Beckett too. The little guy is amazing.

I know I had been chilling out recently, but the speed at which I was changing was almost scary to me. I had never really had a steady relationship, but I was ready to change that. I wanted her. I needed her. I was going to have her.

She looked beautiful tonight. Her hair was long and flowing down her back in waves. It looked soft to the touch and I wanted so badly to run my fingers through it.

The night was cool and the sky was clear. The stars were sparkling bright and I could hear the crickets in the background. It was calm. It was damn near peaceful tonight at the track.

I made my way slowly over to her so as to not scare her and took her in again. She was wearing one of my sweatshirts that I offered when she shivered during the game. She looked damn good in my clothes and I wanted to puff out my chest and beat it with my fist yelling “MINE MINE MINE”.

I reached her and purposely made my steps louder so she could hear my approach and she turned around. Her eyes sparkled against the night and sent a pang into my chest.

“Thirsty?” I asked and held out the second beer bottle to her. She smiled and nodded and took it from my hands. Her fingers grazed mine and lingered there for a short second, but it felt like minutes. A warmth buzzed up my skin at the contact and I didn't want her to let go.

“You keep surprising me, Jude.” she offered and I raised my brow.

“Oh?”

“You are different than what I was expecting...”

“You mean the typical party all night, a different woman every damn day of the week man?” I asked and she blushed. She tipped her chin to her chest and took a sip of beer. I watched her throat work as she swallowed and then as she stuck her tongue out and caught the remaining beer off her lips. I shifted my stance to get more comfortable and accommodate my growing d**k. How is this what's turning me on right now?

“As bad as it sounds, yeah. That's exactly what I meant.” she whispered. I walked up next to her and leaned my arms on the wooden railing and looked up at the sky.

“I won't deny it. That's who I used to be.” I said and she leaned down with me.

“But not now?” she asked and I hesitated. Because truly, I don't know who or what I am right now. I've been trying to figure out who I am without the Alcohol, without the endless parties and drugs, without the endless nameless faceless women in my bed. I feel like before that was my whole personality. Was that me? No, but it was who I wanted people to believe I was. Without that they would have to look further into my life. Into things, I wasn't ready for people to know. If I ever would be ready for that, I wasn't sure.

“Truthfully, I don't know who I am. I feel like I'm so different than I was just a year ago, but I am so far from where I'm supposed to be. Like I'm stuck in the middle. In this big gray area that feels like quicksand. I'm falling down faster and faster, but the end in sight is right there, but I just can't get to it. I've felt like a failure for so long that I just don't want to waste the time that I do have left on this earth. I asked myself, who am I without the Alcohol, who am I without the women and I couldn't answer it. I didn't know the answer. And that scared me.”

She leaned her head against my shoulder and I looked down at her and she had this dazed look on her face.

“Me too.” she whispered.

“Not the alcohol and women but I understand what you're going through in a sense.” she took a deep breath. “I know I just met you, but I feel like I can talk to you, so here it goes…” I was quiet. Giving her space to speak what was on her mind.

“For the longest time, I thought my life was perfect. I had a husband. I had Beckett. I had a house, a car. Hell, I had what I thought was happiness. But it wasn't long after we were married that Daniel changed. I guess he didn't change but he revealed who he truly was. The red flags I ignored multiplied like bunnies. There were so many arguments, so many fights. So many holes punched in the walls. He isolated me from my family Jude and I let him. I blamed myself for the longest time until I realized what he did wasn't right. He controlled all the finances and I wasn't allowed to work. God, I feel like such a fool now that I talk about all that I went through. And believe me I wasn't perfect but I never shut his debit cards off out of anger. I never cheated on him repeatedly and made it out to be his fault. He cheated on me while I was in labor with our son. But I was the i***t who kept taking him back. My therapist called it a Trauma bond and Gaslighting. She said she thinks he's an undiagnosed Narcissist which makes sense. He always had a way of making me feel like I was crazy or that I was the one at fault for everything. I wasn't allowed to have friends that were guys and the girls were censored. I wasn't allowed to spend a cent of his money without him knowing everything I bought. I kept telling myself, At least he doesn't beat me. At least he hasn't physically hurt me. It took my best friend Victoria to tell me that it was a thin line between physical and mental abuse. It could be crossed at any time and once it was crossed that was it. I had never been with anyone else but him. I was scared to be alone but for years I put up with his bullshit. When I finally got the courage to leave him, I had my friend serve him the papers. She's a lawyer and was apparently waiting for the day for me to ask her for her help. That night he cornered me saying he was never going to let me leave him. That It was either me with him or no one at all. He scared me so much that night but Victoria kicked him in the balls and we ran out of there so fast. We finally signed the divorce papers and finished our year of separation and ever since then I have struggled. I don't know who I am without him. I have no confidence, I have no life skills, and I have no idea how to be anything or anyone other than a good mom. I tried dating during the separation but I got so damn scared that I would go through what I went through again and I chickened out. I haven't found the courage since. I told myself I was done with men. I was focusing on my son and me. But how do I focus on myself when I don't know who I really am?”