Undauntable

Hollow

I haven’t left the bed in three, excruciatingly long days.

I’ve been hiding out in Brielle and Brody’s spare bedroom. The letter remains propped up on the dresser, staring at me. I’d began picking at the seal before I threw it across the room.

Then I’d regretted the outburst, carefully placing it in view, so that it could continue to haunt me while I avoided inevitably opening it.

If you had asked me a year ago if I was afraid of anything, I would have scoffed at the audacity to even ask such a question.

I’ve lived through a lot of s**t. Been knocked down a hundred times and got back up a hundred and one. Experienced so much loss. But none of that could have prepared me for this moment in my life.

I’d fallen into familiarity. Wes was a constant for me, and I’d had him in my life for years. He was a safety net after free falling for so long. But in all the years I’d spent relying on that safety, an ache grew. I longed for the days that we’d been running. The days when things weren’t so ‘safe’.

The days when my life wasn’t so mundane.

Brielle hated those days. She was always on edge. Keeping me caged in the world she created, but I'd fight against it. I'd sneak out in secret. I'd taunt the soldiers of the Eradication with my presence. I'd draw attention to myself because I wanted something to happen. For the longest time, I thought I was just a dumb teenager.

But now, I realize that I crave more. I crave danger like an addict craves drugs.

“Auntie B, momma said to bring you some food,” Caspien shouted through boisterous knocking. He didn’t wait for a response before the door was swung open.

Caspien was my nephew and one half of the twins. Tallulah was his twin sister. Theo was the middle child, and Brielle had just given birth to another set of twins, bringing their family to seven total.

“Thanks, little man. I appreciate it.”

I wish Brielle would stop sending the kids up to my room. I don’t want them to see me like this. She’s angry with me. More angry than I’ve ever seen her. When I showed up on the doorstep at two in the morning, Brody answered the door. He looked at me like he could read my mind, opening his arms to me.

When we first met, I thought he’d just be another pawn in my sister's game. Another victim trapped in her web of destruction.

But for years, he’s been a constant. For her. For the pups.

For me.

Brielle stumbled sleepily behind him, hearing my pained sobs, but instead of trying to understand, she scolded me for abandoning Wes. It drove an even bigger crack into our already crumbling relationship.

“Where is Wes? Mommy won’t tell me why you’re here and he’s not. But I sneaked and heard Mommy tell Daddy that she wished you’d come to your senses,” Cas whispered, looking down at his feet before lifting a curious set of eyes up at me.

I offered him the best smile I could muster despite the urge to go smack Brielle, “Wes and I are having some trouble right now. You know how we are mates?”

He nodded eagerly, “Well sometimes mates don’t always agree on everything.”

“Like when you call Daddy bad words, and he laughs but mommy gets angry?” Caspien crawled up into the bed next to me, crossing his legs.

A soft laugh bubbled from my chest, “Yes. Just like that.”

“Did you call Wes the A-word?” his tiny eyes widened like he’d realized the answer to everything.

“I wish it were that simple, bud. Wes and I are taking some time apart. Maybe indefinitely. But you know what? Wes will always be there for you. No matter what happens with him and I,” I offered him a smile despite the tightness that I felt in my chest.

He pursed his lips, “Thanks for telling me the truth. I’m not a baby anymore,” Cas puffed his chest out, smacking his hand over his heart.

“Definitely not a baby anymore. But hey, want to hear a secret?”

He nodded eagerly, leaning forward. I cupped my hands over his ear, “Don’t forget to enjoy being little. I wish I could trade you for a little while.”

Caspien leaned back, falling onto the bed with a huff, “I don’t want to be a girl.”

Brody popped his head through the doorway, “Cas, why don’t you leave Auntie B to eat?”

He sighed dramatically, looking over at me and rolling his eyes. Laughter bubbled out, and I tried to hide by clearing my throat. Poor kid just wanted to be an adult.

I wanted to tell him it’s not all it's cracked up to be. If I could go back in time, I’d enjoy it a little more and for a little longer.

Holding my fist up, I smiled, “Talk again soon, bud?”

He beamed, bumping my fist, and nodding before scurrying out of the room.

Brody lingered a moment, glancing around the room. He furrowed his brows before meeting mine, “Need anything?”

“A lobotomy.”

“Eat,” he ordered before disappearing.

Yes sir, I rolled my eyes, saluting him with my middle finger as his footsteps echoed down the steps.

“Just know I’m returning that middle finger,” Brody shouted.

Ignoring him, a moan escaped my lips as I finally took a bite. I’ve barely eaten in days, unable to stomach anything without vomiting. I wasn’t sure if it was the lingering effects of the shot or the heartbreak.

Either way, I’m thankful to eat without feeling sick.

As shitty as I feel, something shifted in me after I’d left Crimson River. There is a newfound lightness in my chest. Like the weight of my deception was finally removed.

I’d never intended on spiraling... I suppose no one does. The moment that letter showed up felt like I finally had the strength to admit it. I’d upheld this facade for so long, that I started to believe it was the only way.

I could be happy. I’d continue sacrificing, going to the appointments. I’d continue to try for Wes, because it meant so much to him. Eventually, we’d conceive again. Maybe it would stick long enough. Maybe I’d be hollow enough for the fourth loss not to affect me the way the first three did.

But by the end of it all, I wouldn’t know the woman staring back at me in the mirror. She wouldn’t be the woman I wanted to be.

That woman would have been traded and lost to the life that I had chosen.

I’d walk through my days with a fake smile and hollow chest. Something would always feel off. Missing.

Wes would live to resent me. Eventually he’d see the cracks. Maybe we’d end up like one of those couples where the man sneaks off for a connection since his partner was lost to him.

Fuck, the idea of that should have been enough to be honest with him.

Walking over to the dresser, I grabbed the letter, before taking it back to my bed.

My fingers once again traced over the partially lifted golden seal. Closing my eyes, I followed the grooves of the swords and the large E behind them.

Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I ripped the wax from the black envelope in one, quick pull, slowly pushing the folded triangle backwards, and reaching inside.

I didn’t walk away from everything for nothing.