Behind Amethyst Eyes

Chapter 4- Confession

    After I wipe away what remains of my makeup and change into my pjs, I head to the kitchen to grab some waters. I nervously wipe my sweaty palms down my sides as the anticipation swells. Since the incident in the bar, all traces of the alcohol’s spell have vanished. I feel mortified at what I’m about to tell him, so I stall a little longer. I take a deep breath then make my way to the living room where Daniel is seated, waiting patiently, on the couch. I hand him the water and curl up with the thick quilted blanket opposite him.

    “You really don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable.”

    “No, I need to. I owe you an explanation for what you saw and had to deal with earlier.” He starts to argue back but I put my hand up to stop him. “I also need to do this for myself. I haven’t told anyone about all of it, not even Katie. I also want you to understand that you didn’t do anything wrong. You need to know if you want to be friends with me or whatever.” Daniel sits quietly, begging me to go on. “What I’m about to tell you is going to be hard so when I cry, stop, or have to run out, just give me a minute. Please just let me get it all out.” He nods in acknowledgement. I run to my room to grab the tissues and trashcan, knowing full well that I’ll need them. I sit back down and start to explain from the beginning. I tell him how close me and my parents were, where I got my love for reading and writing. I tell him how Katie grew up as much in my home as I did hers, that she had been the sister I never had. I told him about my life before the accident. Then I shared the story of the accident.

    Daniel was sitting in silence, letting me explain. He twitched as if he wanted to come over to me, but he did what I asked and stayed on the couch. I explained how hard it was for me to move away and even how I still blame myself for my parents’ deaths. I described the Porters and how welcoming my new family was. I told him about my four new brothers and how I still kept in touch with them. As I neared the next chapter in my book, the soft tears turned into sobs that racked my body. Through my blurred vision, I can see Daniel’s conflicted look of pain and longing as he grips the edge of the couch with white knuckles. I let myself cry a little while longer before I pull it together to explain the hardest part.

    I close my eyes to tell this part, making it a little easier. I pretend I’m speaking out loud to my journal. I explain the first time it happened in great detail. I told him how Marshal would hit me in places I could cover up. I told him how I knew it was going to be a bad night when he brought some of Jessica’s makeup in for me. I told him how sometimes he'd gag me with my own underwear because it turned him on. I told him about the times he gripped my throat so tightly that I would black out from lack of oxygen. I told him about all the broken bones, bruises, and stitches I had endured. I even chuckled humorlessly when I explained that was the reason I wasn't squeamish. I told him how he threatened to do the same things to Katie if I tried telling anyone.

    “I didn’t see Katie much those last few months. It was hard on me, but I had no other choice. I had to keep her safe. The last few times I tried to fight back, he threatened to kill me and throw me off the same bridge my parents died on. I remember thinking, ‘I didn’t want to live if this was my future’. I was already a broken shell of a person, just coasting by each day as I suffered in lonely silence. So, the next time he raped me, I fought him, harder than I ever had before. He broke five of my ribs, my arm, and a few fingers. I had bruises on every inch of my skin. I had begged him to end life because I already felt dead inside, but he didn’t he just laughed at me.” I tell Daniel, still with my eyes closed. I thought I felt a gust of wind in my living room, but that couldn’t be right. This strange gust of air came to me, surrounding me in a warm embrace. I gasped at the feeling and opened my eyes, looking all around me. I carefully avoided Daniel because I wasn’t ready to see his face yet. Finding nothing out of the ordinary, I close my eyes once more to finish the story.

“The moment I turned eighteen, I was contacted by a lawyer saying my parents had left a large sum of money for me. I took it and got the hell out of Charleston. I went to live with Katie until we went off to college,” I pause after finishing my story. I open my eyes to see Daniel for the first time since I started on the gory details. My stomach twists in knots as regret for telling him sinks in because there is no emotion on his face. I wonder if it was too much, if he couldn’t handle it. I thought I had no more tears to cry, but I was wrong. Tears for finally opening up to someone and getting this reaction fall in a steady stream down my face. Tears for the night’s journey crash down into my lap. The silent tears I let loose finally dry up and I find my voice again.

“Daniel?” I ask cautiously. This seems to break him of his trance because, in that moment, I see a million emotions fly across his face: anger, resentment, fury, rage, sorrow, longing, ache, pain. But the most prominent, the most shocking one is pride. Why would he be proud? “I shouldn’t have…”

“Can I come over there?” he interrupts me.

“What?” I ask confused.

“Can I touch you, Kara?” he asks with an intensity I’ve never seen before. I brace myself for the contact after reliving that nightmare. I don’t have the voice to answer, so I nod my head. Daniel walks cautiously to me and reaches his hand to cup my face. His touch brings that warm jolt back to me, through me. It’s then, I realize, that this is the first time I’ve felt it in a month. It was like my body was blocking the sensation until we fixed the problem, or until I confessed all my secrets. He takes another longing look at me before wrapping his arms around me. I sigh at the fullness of the contact, but it ends quickly when he suddenly pulls away.

“Was that too much?” he asks shyly. I shake my head and wrap my arms around his middle, showing him that he was okay to touch me. I let the jolt comfort me for a second longer before I pull away and drag him to the couch. I lay my head on his shoulder and enjoy the moment before words have to be spoken. “Kara…I don’t know what to say to all that, honestly. I want to kill that man more than I’ve ever wanted anything before. What you went through, what you’re still going through…I just can’t imagine. If I would have known, I never would have touched you if you didn’t want it. I’m sorry that my touch reminds you of that.”

“It’s not YOUR touch. It’s any man’s touch. I haven’t…been with anyone else, ever,” I admit. “The day we met was the anniversary of my parents’ deaths. I’m always depressed that day, just surviving. It’s a reminder of everything I lost and everything that’s happened since. And tonight at the bar? The guy was grabbing me on the dancefloor which was why I was sitting there taking so many shots…to forget. If it were any other normal day, I wouldn’t have reacted like that.” I try to make him understand that it wouldn’t always be like this.

“You’re the strongest person I have ever met,” he tells me.

“Do you mind sitting here with me for just a bit longer? You make me feel…safe.” I worry that I’ll be rejected again. He gets up and I think he’s going to leave but, instead, he takes off his shoes and grabs the blanket before sitting back down. He leans me back with my head in his lap and strokes my hair.

We start playing twenty questions, learning each other’s basic likes and dislikes. As night turns to early morning, I start to drift off. For my last question, I ask, “Why haven’t you said anything about my eyes?” He stays quiet for a long time. When he thinks I’m fully asleep, he answers.

“Because I’d know those eyes anywhere. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time. We’re destined, my sweet Kara.” Having no more energy to ask what he means, darkness overcomes me and my dreams are filled with those bright creamy eyes.