Wrench

22 - I still have nightmares

Elie

Sketching is what takes my mind off of things these days. I can’t focus on anything else. Since what happened at the Snakes Clubhouse, I haven’t been myself.

Coral brought me to stay with her because she refused to allow me to stay at the hotel any longer. She said it was a waste of money when I had a room ready at her house. I didn’t argue with her because I didn’t have the energy.

But when I arrived, I went into a world of my own for a while. I didn’t even contact my friends back home to let them know I was okay. Coral did. She didn’t tell Sally what had happened; she just said that I’d moved in with her and was busy sorting out a college placement for myself, and I would be in touch soon. I was grateful to her for that.

I don’t know how many days passed while I was in my own little world, but it must have been at least two weeks. It’s been three more since then, and I still haven’t said anything of any importance. I say yes, no, thank you, all in the right context, but nothing more. I don’t leave my room for anything other than to use the bathroom and to eat.

I could have gone home to my brother, but I couldn’t face him. I just can’t. I could have gone to stay with Kilee, but I don’t want to burden her with this.

Besides, I need my mom right now. I’ve never needed anyone as much in my whole life as I need her. It feels like we’ve always been together, and I don’t want to leave her anytime soon. I will never forget the mother who raised me, and I will always love her, but this is the woman who gave me life.

We deserve to be together now, right?

Stryker is a nice guy, and he treats me as if I was his daughter. He loves Coral so much. I see it each time he looks at her, and they’re perfect together — my new parents.

That’s what Coral told me one night a little after she brought me here. Right after Shepard told me that if I ever did what I tried to do over Hammer again, he’d kill me, no questions asked. That was when Coral sat on my bed, stroking my wet from the shower hair in the most comforting way while telling me how much she loved me. How she wishes she could’ve kept me all those years ago, and how she never stopped thinking about me and loving me.

I let Coral hold me that night, and she held me so close and tight. I lay with my head on her shoulder, her arms wrapped around me so tightly I never wanted her to let me go, and for that night, she didn’t. She lay with me, holding me all night long.

In the morning, Coral led me to the bathroom, where she helped me bathe. I didn’t need her to, but I didn’t have the strength to argue the point. She pointed out the bruises on my thighs and wrists. I told her that I bruise easily, and I had felt dirty after being in that room, and that was where the bruises came from, from scrubbing my body so hard. But looking at her, I could tell her mind was doing overtime. But I had scrubbed the hell out of myself the night before, almost the second we’d walked through the door. I needed to get the feel and scent of that monster off of me. The truth is, I may have bruised myself a little with how hard I scrubbed myself.

After Coral helped me bathe, she led me to my room and then helped me dress, before walking me down the stairs and into the kitchen for breakfast. I fell in love with my mother that day. She showed me what a mother really was and how her love held no bounds. Nothing was too much for her. All she wanted to do was take care of me, and she has ever since.

Wrench hasn’t tried to contact me. I guess he meant what he said. I loved you for a while there. I really fuckin’ did. But now? You mean nothing to me now! Leave! Don’t you ever contact me again, and stay the fuc.k away from my club, or I’ll kill you myself!

Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life. Those are the words I heard inside my head when that monster did what he did to me. Those are the words I have heard every day since. Those are the words I hear each morning when I throw my guts up.

Yes, I throw up... A lot.

But then, I still have nightmares of what happened that day. Nightmares that make me so ill I vomit. Then there is the fact that staying here is going to be difficult. Wrench is Stryker’s younger brother, adopted, but still. It will be hard to avoid him entirely, especially at family functions. I suppose I could stay home on those days. But we are going to bump into one another at some point. It’s inevitable.

I’ve written all of my thoughts and feelings down in my diary. I have done it for years, there’s no point in stopping now. It keeps my mind from clogging up with all the hell I’ve been through. Plus, I have my sketches, and right now, they’ve never been so dark.

I used to draw light, beautiful scenery and people with smiles on their faces. Wrench. Lots of drawings of Wrench, in all sorts of ways. His chest mainly. God, I loved his chest, all those muscles. I even have sketches of his massive but gorgeous coc.k. I only have a few sketches of his beautiful face because I didn’t want to look like a stalker. Although if he were ever to see my sketchpad, he’d think of me as just that.

I miss him like crazy.

It hurts to miss him.

I have to put what we had behind me. It’s the only way I can get my life back. That’s what I’m thinking about as I sit in this rocking chair on the balcony outside my bedroom window, my little brother on my lap, his back to my chest, my arms wrapped around him tightly. Mark means the world to me; he’s the only thing that’s kept me going these past few weeks. He’s smart, sweet, and amazingly funny.

When Coral told Mark I was his big sister, he hugged me hard and said, ‘Now you can get hugs from our mommy and daddy, same as me.’ Our mommy and daddy. It sounded so nice. Stryker told me that should I want to, I could call them that, Mom and Dad. I just smiled and went to my room.

I kiss Mark’s head and continue rocking the chair. He hums sleepily, his little fingers stroking the back of my hand.

How can one little man be so loving, so tender?

He calms something inside of me that seemed to be broken.

“I love you so much, Marky.”

“Love you, Elie.” I breathe deeply and close my eyes, safe in the knowledge that someone loves me.

* * *

“I want to talk to you,” I turn to face Coral. She’s forcing me to attend this stupid hog roast at Snakes Henchmen clubhouse. Wrench told me not to come back. I voiced this to her, but she’s adamant that Shepard expects me. If I am to put what happened behind me, for everyone else to do the same, then he wants me to be part of the event.

I am fuckin.g terrified of facing all those people, especially the man who hurt me. He’s going to be there. I heard Stryker telling Coral that he will be patched in sometime this week. He doesn’t deserve to be a full patch member. The club doesn’t tolerate men like him. I should have told somebody what happened.

But how do I start that conversation?

Who would I even tell?

Who would believe me?

No, it’s best if I keep it to myself. No one would believe me after everything that happened.

But what if he hurts someone else?

How would I ever live with myself after that?

I just couldn’t; I know that much.

“You look beautiful, angel.” Coral smiles at me.

I look down at the yellow summer dress I’m wearing. It has spaghetti straps, tight on the bust, and sits just on the knee. My long hair is French braided. I’m not wearing makeup, just a little lip gloss. I have no reason to doll myself up for anyone. I’m not sure wearing this dress is right when that man will be looking at me is a good thing.

Would I be giving him the impression I want him again?

I can’t think like that. I can’t let him take over my life completely. I’m stronger than that.

I smile at Coral. She’s so beautiful, and I look just like her, or so they tell me. She’s a little taller than I am, but we have the same color hair, eyes, and long legs. She wears a smile so sweet that I see my baby brother in her, even though he’s the image of his father. She’s wearing tight jeans and a white top that’s stretched tight over her large breasts. Her long hair is loose and curled, hanging down her back.

“You look amazing.”

She rolls her eyes playfully with a smile on her face, and then she cups my face with her hand. “Were you going to tell me? Ever?”

“Tell you what?” I’m a little confused.

“About the baby.”

“I’m really confused right now.”

“Sweetheart,” She takes my hand and leads me to my bed. I park my behind next to hers. “I’ve heard you for the past week vomiting every morning. Sometimes in the afternoon, too.” She tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so scared, and I tried to ignore it for so long. Then the idea grew on me, then you were born, and I held you so close to me.”

I keep my eyes on her as she explains what it was like to love me, to lose me, to cry every day for years until she met Stryker. I don’t understand why we’re having this conversation again.

“What are you getting at?”

Coral sighs and pulls something from her pocket. My eyes widen as she holds it up for me to see.

A fuckin.g pregnancy test?

I just turned twenty years old, and not stupid!

Twenty. What a shi.t birthday that was!

“What the hell is that for?”

“Elie,” She sighs dramatically. “Don’t act dumb. I think you might be pregnant.”

“Oh my God,” I mumble while rubbing my forehead. I am not pregnant. I’m a fuckin.g mess after what happened.

Jesus, am I not entitled to feel a little out of sorts?

“If you’re not, then this will come back negative. For me, go pee on it. Leave it on the back of the toilet, and we’ll look at it when we get home.” I huff like a petulant child. “Please, Elisha.”

God, anything to get her off my back. I nod and take it from her hand. She tells me thank you, but I don’t say anything. I take myself to the bathroom and pee on the damn stick. She’s going to look like a damn fool when this thing comes back negative.