A Damaged Heart Still Beats

  As I speed through the woods, I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere else more than I do right here, right now. Up ahead there is a small clearing and its starting to get dark outside. Wait… there’s a smell in the air. One I know too well as fear. And along with that scent my stomach grumbles reminding me I haven’t eaten today because I’ve been too preoccupied with being out and taking in the scenery. So, with that I press forward harder than the jogging pace I’ve been traveling with until now. At a dead sprint I see the owner of the dread and fear that lingers in the air. A doe was bedding down before she smelled me coming. Now she is at full alert with me closing in on her. Even at the pace I’m running I am so quiet that not even a twig snaps under my feet. I pause momentarily to admire her in her panic to watch as she tries to find where my aura is coming from. As I silently near her from behind the tree that is hiding me, mere feet from her presence, I look down only to see that she has twins laying underneath her, quivering in distress. ‘No wonder she didn’t run’ I thought. ‘she didn’t want to leave them helpless until she knew where her threat came from.’ With this realization my hunger dissolved entirely as I’m overcome with a sense of awe drinking in the strength and beauty that lies before me. I calm myself and divert my aura to that of pure understanding as I step from behind the tree. The doe turns on me abruptly but still doesn’t run. I inch closer to her with my hand outstretched and to my surprise she leans in closing the distance between my fingertips and her muzzle. The connection between us in that moment is exhilarating and even more surprising? She leans with my hand on her face down to calmingly lick her young and allow me to pet them as well. Once I have my fill of loving on these precious babies, I decide I’ve been out long enough for today and I turn on my heels to head back in the direction I came. As I arrive home, I’m met with a concerned look from my father. “Where have you been Cat, and please tell me you were armed?” I reply with rolling my eyes. “Yes, Dad, I always have my phone and a knife. I know the rules. I just went for a run in the woods.” “Catori, I don’t need the attitude. I was worried. But since you’re fine, get your sisters cleaned up and let’s get everyone sat down for dinner.” Right on cue my stomach grumbles the loudest I’ve heard it growl. With that I get a deadpanned look from my dad as he puts the pieces together realizing that I have forgotten to eat today. “Catori. I know you try to live up to your name by being a free spirit, however, without taking care of your body your spirit is going to be useless. I dare not to tell him that I just forgot to eat in my anger, because it would bring up this morning’s issues and he already has enough on his figurative plate at the moment. I go clean up the girls and then help dad set the table. As we finish up, my step-mom walks in with my twin siblings on her heels and a crockpot in her hands. My step-brother joins us and we all sit down to a quiet dinner of yet again Roast, potatoes and carrots. Early in my dad and Cali’s relationship, she would cook the most exciting and extravagant meals. Now adays, she has gotten lazy to be honest and cooks crock pot meals like this or chilli on a normal basis and then we eat left overs for several days after. I am not a super picky eater, but I have come to a point that I really can’t stand these meals anymore. With a small roll, my stomach protests at my disgust for the food, but I don’t want to start any more arguments. So, with that in mind, I decide that it’s in my best interest to suck it up and eat it anyway. As we sit in silence other than the sounds of silverware against plates, I realize Cali is glaring at me. We definitely don’t get along most days, but in public she sure puts on a two-faced show of being the best mom alive. Her glare says she isn’t feeling like putting on her show at home tonight.  I duck to avoid her seeing my eye roll. ‘Best mom my ass’ I think as I eat a bite of potato. She then lets out a huff and dares to ask, “Catori, why on earth have you been gone all day?” I breathe out harshly and reply that I just needed to get some air and that running is to practice more for cross country. I’m still trying to avoid bringing our argument over chores to my dad’s attention, so I try to divert focus from why I went out. She looks to Dad, but does let the subject drop for now. After I empty my plate, I rush to the sink to begin dishes so that I don’t wake up to another argument with her again tomorrow. Thinking about it, she truly isn’t fair in her parenting. I am a straight “A” student with various extra-curricular sports and clubs all to help better my chances of getting into a good college and getting as far away from her as possible and yet, to her I’m dirt. Oh, but her son, Toma, is a perfect prince in her eyes. He has a solid “C” average and is partying all the time and getting into trouble with the “popular kids”. I however hang out with the outcasts and in her eyes, we are the true troublemakers. Of course, WE are all model students, but we are quiet and prefer to keep to ourselves, unless occupying the jocks with sports, but that doesn’t even sway her. I’m a senior and so close to graduation that I can taste the freedom and I am beginning to think it’s killing Cali knowing that I’m going to bolt the first chance I get. Then her prince won’t have me to wait hand and foot on him and I also won’t be there to keep the house clean for her nor to be the nanny to the twins. That subject is such a bittersweet feeling, though, as I love my siblings. If Dad or I am not home, she hides them from the world and treats them like a plague. So, as much as I hate always being the sitter, I know it is in their best interest. Aiyana and Aponi were both born with a rare bone disorder that has made their lives a struggle this far and they are now 8 years old. Their bone growth has been stunted and therefore they aren’t as able as the rest of us. Though they may not look the same as everyone around them, and they surely don’t get around as fast either, that doesn’t make them inadequate. Cali treats them as if they are, however. She looks at them with almost as much disgust as she portrays to me and it hurts in my soul to know that in a matter of weeks, I’ll be leaving them to deal with her alone. And of course, Toma is so high on his horse that he will just add to their torment. I just wish he could try once to be a savior to them as I have been thus far. I know they are strong, especially with what they have been through, but it’s still a bit unnerving to me knowing that I’m leaving them to save my own sanity. I really believe my sanity struggle mainly has to do with my lack of a mother figure in my life. I mean I have Grams, but since dad and Cali married, I don’t get to see her as often. My mother died when I was four and my dad bounced around until he found Cali when I was seven. Things started out wonderfully but as time went along it became apparent that I’m just not girly enough for her liking. She claims she always wanted a daughter, but I don’t think I am what she was hoping for. I’ve been raised by my dad, with my grandparents help, and we have always been a rough family, so I never really had a major girly streak. I focus on my schoolwork and enjoy being able to compete with the guys I know. Because of my upbringing, everyone else knows I’m a force to be reckoned with. So, in reality being able to keep to myself has been fairly easy with my attitude. And not being girly is something I take pride in as I know I have my father’s respect in being able to hold my own if he isn’t around. Well, I do with everyone except Cali. She has thrown me through a couple doors and slammed me into a wall or two for things I “didn’t DO to her standards” but were I to retaliate I’d be in for it worse with dad. So, I am a suffer in silence type, at least until I hit my breaking point with the world. This really only happens once in a great while. And as long as I’m able to go for a run to avoid home drama, I can keep it in check. Beyond not being the girly princess she wants, she just focuses on how I’m too far from perfect to deserve her affection most days. I find this ridiculous especially since the twins are more than happy to be just the girly girls that she could possibly want, and she still pretends that they don’t exist due to their issues. So between chores and babysitting I’m always pretty busy at home. Well, the story of Cinderella? Yea, that’s basically my life to an extent. Toma does no wrong and I’m to act as maid and nanny to avoid conflict with the “wicked Stepmother”. Oh well, it’s only a matter of time until I can get away.