Secret Affairs

SEVENTEEN

Sam had come over for our weekly girls’ night. I had made it my mission to spend time with the people I loved. Although her schedule was still packed she made time for me and that brightened my day.

When Benjamin was alive, I was lucky if he gave me a minute and that was only because I was running the business. I was sure he would have ignored my every call if I wasn’t managing his income.

“How’s it going on the dating front?” I asked her.

She had been quiet about men for a while, which was so unlike her. She loved men, she loved going out on dates and then turning around and telling me all about it. But recently I hadn’t heard about a single date or a man that had caught her attention.

“I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t get upset.” She started telling me. I nodded only because I had a feeling I knew where this was going. “I’m seeing Davis.”

I chuckled. “I’m sorry, for a second I thought you said you were seeing Davis Buchanan.”

“I am,” she answered with a half-smile.

“Why?” It wasn’t like I didn’t see the appeal. Yes, Davis Buchanan was handsome and charming and all things women wanted, but he was also secretive and cunning and charismatic. So damn charismatic to the point where you were left wondering when the Kool-Aid would come out.

Sam took an extra-long sip of her wine before settling back down on the couch. “He’s a good man Ro. He’s good to me.”

“And that’s all-great Sammy, but you don’t know him. Not really,” I argued.

She didn’t know the real him. I doubted that he had told her what he was really doing here, or what he was capable of. He may be a good person but Sam was light. And what he did could snuff her out whether he intended to or not.

“I know enough. I know that I want to see where it goes. He hasn’t even asked me for s*x yet, and lord knows I want to jump his bones,” Sam laughed mirthlessly.

Stanley came to sit on the couch in between us cuddling up to her leg. “Sam, he'll be leaving soon. This isn’t his home,” I tried explaining.

Davis didn’t belong here. New York was not his home. That man went wherever he was needed and I hated the idea of him taking Sam with him. I instantly had the urge to punch him in the face for being so likeable.

Sam’s demeanor changed in an instant and Stanley seemed to notice. He placed his big head on her lap causing her to scratch behind his ear. “Is it wrong to hope that he chooses to stay?”

“It isn’t wrong, but I don’t want you to be left hurting if he leaves,” I answered with a shake of my head. The last thing I wanted was for my best friend to be heartbroken when it could easily be avoided, but it seemed like she was well on her way.

“Okay enough about me, how are you?” She turned to me with a quick change of subject. I could see that she no longer wanted to discuss Davis, so I would go along with it for now. I knew better than to push her when she was done with something.

Everything had just been so wrong lately. I was still dealing with the fallout from Benjamin’s death. Lawyers and accountants and Davis had been keeping me more than busy. Not only that, but it had made me come to various conclusions, on the business, and with my personal life.

Blowing out a breath I responded. “I don’t know. Benjamin dying... it’s just made me realize I don’t want to be alone.”

Because that’s what I was, alone. It was a feeling buried so deep inside me that kept gnawing at my soul. The fear of being alone was crippling. Benjamin taught me how to live like that, but not how to live with it while wanting more.

My thirst for life had been placated with days spent at work and now I had nothing to distract me from the debilitating loneliness.

Sam reached over and placed her hand over mine in a show of solidarity. “You’re not alone pumpkin. You’re never alone. You have me, and my mom and dad. They love you like you were their own. You have Mason and Jackson, and even though he wants to act like a donkey’s ass sometimes you even have Chris. We all love you.”

That should have been comforting, but it did the exact opposite. They were all Sam’s family. They weren’t mine.

“I know, but that’s different. Even when Benjamin was here, I still felt lonely. We didn’t have family dinners, I couldn’t go to him when I needed help, he made me feel lonely. One of the few people who was supposed to love me unconditionally couldn’t. What does that say about me?” My own mother abandoned me without a second look back. Benjamin would have sold me out in an instant if it meant he could keep everything. I feared the only reason he protected me was to keep everything under wraps.

“It means that you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, you loved your daddy even when he gave you the bare minimum,” she spoke softly. I wanted to believe her; I really did. But there was something inside me, telling me that any love I had to offer would never be enough. That my love would come with a price.

“I’m afraid that I’ll turn out like him.”

“You would never,” she attempted to convince me.

“We don’t know that.” It was the age-old debate. Nature versus nurture. Was I more than how I was raised? Was I capable of warmth and kindness? Was I doomed to become my father? Or even worse would I become like my mother and abandon everyone?

“I know you Rowan. You have such a big heart even if you can’t see it right now.”

“I don’t know what to do now. I feel lost and like I’m at a standstill. I’m just watching everyone love their lives while mine passes me by,” I truthfully told her.

Sam took my empty wine glass to refill it. Stanley had settled next to me, that had me thinking he came into my life exactly when I needed him. “I think you just need to find something you’re passionate about and see where that takes you,” she said, handing me the glass.

I wish I had something to be passionate about. As hard as I tried to think of something, I couldn’t. There was not a single thing that I had ever done to bring happiness into my life. Work and Benjamin always came first, with the occasional sexscapade with Daniel. “That’s the problem. I don’t have anything I’m passionate about. I’ve always just focused on the company. Now I have all this free time that I don’t know what to do with.”

“Quick. What’s the first thing that pops into your head?”

“Venice.” I answered without a second thought.

There was a beauty to that city that I wanted to see for myself. The only traveling I ever did was focused on business, there were no wild excursions.

I felt a little guilty that the first thing I thought of was a vacation for myself. Was that selfish? There were so many things I could be doing with my wealth to help people. Benjamin may have never been charitable but I could be. I could help those in need.

But could I do one and still have the other?

“Okay and what are you doing in Venice?” she asked me.

This I had thought of on multiple occasions. “Riding a gondola, sipping wine, listening to music. Experiencing life.” I wanted all of that, and I had never given myself the liberty to want anything, much less experience it.

However, I casually left out the part where I once saw Daniel sitting next to me, now there was an empty seat. He wasn’t part of my dream anymore. It was just myself.

I wanted to become my own happiness.