Secret Affairs

EIGHTEEN

Daniel had texted me asking to have dinner. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not. I had no clue where we stood, and I missed him. Not his d**k, but him.

When he showed up at my door, I refrained from inviting him in. The last time he was in my home we ended up naked and tangled in my sheets. That seemed like a habit of mine, one that needed to break.

I was doing so much better. Not just by my standards, but by my therapist’s too. I was starting to understand my emotions and what that meant for me. My emotional intelligence was at an all time low when Benjamin was alive, and I wanted to be better.

I had to stop conflating s*x with feelings, I would get easily attached only to be left wondering whether I really had feelings for a man. I had the emotional attachment of an abandoned puppy that no one seemed to want.

That was who I was. I was a mutt at the pound that couldn’t find a home.

I was Stanley.

What a perfect fit.

Benjamin had really f****d me up, I’d at least give credit where credit was due.

Daniel and I ended up walking in silence to Locanda Verde a few blocks down from where I lived. It was a lovely Italian restaurant that I would visit when I needed comfort food. Which had become a regular occurrence as of late. I counted that as a positive, I wasn’t worried about timing meals anymore, I would just eat.

Before we sat down, I excused myself to go to the restroom. I needed to take a breather. This felt weird. We were never like this, always comfortable, always safe. He was my friend and I had ruined it by sleeping with him. Daniel gave me an ounce of attention and I ran with it.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at myself in the mirror. I could fix this. I could make it right. I would make it right.

Giving myself an internal pep talk and an approving nod I walked out of the restroom. As I was heading back to our table, only gone for less than five minutes, I came to a stop when I noticed some big tittied woman standing next to Daniel’s seated form. I guess she saw this as her opportunity to make a move on him. What woman wouldn’t? She was leaning over the table wearing a tight mini dress, her t**s spilling out swaying in his face.

Fuck making this right.

Rage and jealousy coursed through my veins.

Attention and affection were little afforded to me and when I had it I didn’t want to share it. Blame it on my upbringing, or blame it on myself.

I was flawed.

I didn’t care, because right now all I saw was another siphoning b***h who was going to whisk Daniel away. I was afraid.

Afraid that if he found someone who loved him the way he deserved; he would forget all about poor little orphan Rowan. The stupid woman with daddy issues to spare and the emotional stability of a wooden plank.

Steeling my nerves, I squared my shoulders and lifted my chin as I made my way towards the lovely couple. I wasn’t going to let anyone see me sweat.

“Daniel,” I beamed at him, completely ignoring Miss America with her perfect legs and even more perfect smile. I couldn’t even hate her properly. She was so beautiful.

“Oh goodness,” she blushed. “I’ll leave you to it. It was a pleasure meeting you Mr. Daniel James.” She gave him a flirty smile and a wave of her fingers before she strutted away.

With a huff I sat in my chair scowling at him. I was well aware that I was acting like a child. I had no right to be upset, none whatsoever. Daniel could do as he pleased.

“You’re upset.”

I didn’t respond.

A waiter came up ready to take our drink order, but was sent away with a wave of Daniel’s hand. I needed to choose my words carefully before speaking. I didn’t want to come off as a jealous lover. I wasn’t sure what we were, but I sure as hell wasn’t sleeping with him again. At least not until I got my s**t in order, or maybe even after.

It was all very confusing.

Daniel combed his fingers through his hair in an exasperated sigh before leaning back in his seat. I had obviously annoyed him and I was scared to see where this conversation would be going. “What is it you want from me Rowan? I want to give you everything and you push me away. I give you what you ask for and it isn’t enough. I can’t keep up with you.”

“I just—”

He cut me off before I could finish my thought. “Ro you don’t know how to accept love. Because that’s what this was, love. I loved you, and you pushed me away and that’s okay. I can’t force you to love me. So, if you want to keep things casual then so be it, but you can’t ask me to put my life on hold while you decide if you want to continue f*****g Peters,” he threw at me.

I was gaping like a fish; I couldn’t believe he would just say that. “I’m not—I don’t. I don’t think about f*****g Nate,” I attempted to argue back.

He shook his head, then reached over to hold my hand. “You do, and it’s okay.”

This conversation was bound to happen, it was probably for the best. Daniel and I were teetering out until Nate came along, then all of a sudden he showed up at my doorstep.

They made me feel dirty. Made me feel like they could just show up and f**k the other right out of me. And I let him. That realization was the beginning of my celibacy. I had no clue how long it would last, but I would try my damndest.

To any other person in this place, we probably seemed like an attractive couple—I could admit that we weren’t unattractive—having dinner, holding hands. From the outside looking in, we were perfect. The reality was far more skewed than that. I was all kinds of f****d up and he was just as insecure. He would always doubt me and I would always second guess myself.

“We wanted different things, I could never give you what you wanted,” I resigned. It was the deal breakers. The ones that couples are supposed to discuss in order to ensure they’re compatible. We would mention small things in passing, but we were both avoiding the inevitable. We weren’t made for one another.

“What are you talking about?”

“You want the white picket fence and the perfect family. You want the two kids and the golden retriever and the perfect wife. I could never give that to you.” It was true. He’d mentioned it before. Saying how he would like to eventually move out of the city and live in a blissful suburbia. That wasn’t what I wanted and I was too caught up in the attention that I refused to admit it to myself. Call it a forced unblissful ignorance.

Daniel deserved the family, and the house, and the perfect wife. He shouldn’t have to settle for an empty life with a woman who couldn’t love him fully.

“Ro, I hope that you realize it before it’s too late, but you deserve all of that. It might not seem like it now, but you deserve to be happy and loved and to give love. You are capable of it no matter what Benjamin told you. It may not happen with me, and that’s perfectly fine. We just had the timing wrong,” he said with a small smile.

My heart was breaking. His heart was breaking. This was devastating.

I wanted to put a pause on life. I wanted us to go back to our friendship, before I got too attached. As much as I wanted to be the woman that Daniel deserved, I would always live in constant anxiety that I wasn’t enough.

I held my head in my hand as I squeezed his with the other. “You’re too good.” I couldn’t even face him.

I wanted to be angry with him. That would make this so much easier, but I couldn’t. What we had was good while it lasted, and I didn’t regret it. Even after the heartache, I would have never chosen not to meet Daniel.

He was there for me when I needed reassurance. We simply outgrew each other. It wasn’t what either of us needed anymore, and as soon as I admitted it to myself, then it could be easier to let go.

Daniel squeezed my hand a little tighter, urging me to look up at him. When I did, all I could see was a perfect grey storm over the ocean. “You’re a good person Ro. It’s time you realized it too.” He hesitated before continuing. “I was offered a job back on the West coast.”

“You’re leaving?”

He gave me a halfhearted smile, as if willing me to accept the reality of this situation. “I wasn’t planning on it, but,” he paused for a tentative second before resuming. “We’re not healthy Rowan, tonight is a testament to that. We need to move forward and we can’t do that if we keep repeating the same cycle.”

“I do love you Daniel,” I honestly told him, because I did love him. No matter what happened, a part of me would always love him for caring for the broken me.

“I love you too Ro, but you’re not in love with me.”

I shut my eyes so tight to stop the tears from falling. This was good for us. Daniel could move on with his life and be happy, and I could start to rebuild mine after all the pieces crumbled to the ground.

Because that’s what happened, my life was crumbling underneath me and I hadn’t noticed until it was too late.

“We were a candle weren’t we? Beautiful to light up but always meant to burn out.”