ONE MORE TRY

Chapter 10

Alessandra

"You're going out again today, huh."

Mom's voice was flat as she said it, and I couldn't help blushing. I had gotten up early, made breakfast, then taken a shower and gotten dressed. It wasn't in the simple, comfortable clothes I wore at home, either, so it was pretty obvious to figure out.

"I'm not leaving right now," I said slowly.

I had paused my steps, but I walked further into the living room, where Mom was holding Danny in her arms. I had checked his crib before coming down, but when he wasn't there, I figured she would have him.

"He woke up while you were in the shower," she explained. "I changed his diaper, but he's probably hungry, so you need to feed him."

"I know. I'll feed him, and I'll leave some fresh milk for you as well, I don't know when I'll be back tonight. Sorry for giving you so much work," I apologized.

Mom just chuckled. "Oh, I don't mind it. It's so nostalgic having a baby in the house, reminds me of when you were born. You were such a handful when you were young, you know? Danny is an angel in comparison."

"Why do you want to make me feel bad?" I grumbled.

I went to sit next to her so I could take Danny from her. He made some gurgling sounds and squirmed a little as I took him, and I smiled down at him.

Mom sighed, watching me. "You're a total natural with him, you know? I had some trouble getting into it. I really wanted you, and I was willing to put in the work, but your dad and I were also struggling for money, so I could only take leave from work for so long, and it took months before you would stop crying so much at night."

I grew guilty as she continued to talk, even though it was about a time that I could never remember. Danny was nothing like that. Though he also woke me up at night, I knew it wasn't because he didn't want to. Besides, I could afford to laze around for a bit.

"I know I'm taking advantage of you guys a lot by still living here when I have my kid, but I promise it won't be for forever."

Mom rolled her eyes. "You know you don't need to move, honey. Keep saving up for school, and when the time comes, go and ace your exams, and come back and show it to us proudly. Your father and I don't want any more from you. He is our grandson, after all."

"That won't happen for a long time," I reassured. "I don't want to move to a different apartment to look for a nanny to take care of him. He's yours any time you want him."

She arched an eyebrow. "For a long time, huh? But you've been going out a lot recently, and you've been looking a lot happier, too. You haven't said anything, but I'm not so foolish that I can't see why."

Mom had a teasing smile on her face. It was apparent she had figured out I saw Joshua again. If it had been some other guy, I wouldn't have kept it from them. I wondered if Dad knew, too, but the fact that they weren't prying meant they were willing to trust me on this, and it made me happy.

"I'm trying not to get my hopes up," I said with a sigh. "And you shouldn't, either."

What she said was right, though. Ever since the date, and that night I spent over at Joshua' apartment, it had happened a lot more times. I couldn't tell if I was happier since I was pretty happy before, but it was nice to feel the way I used to when I was with Joshua. It was nostalgic, and yet not because our relationship now was a little different.

We were getting on so well, but I didn't know if we were to the level we used to be just yet, so I was still hesitating. We didn't have a date today or anything, but I wanted to see him.

"You know I'm going to love you guys no matter what, right?"

"It's not like we're worried you'll run away and forget about us," she said, laughing. "You're still young! You should live and love and have fun! Not spend all your time at home. Besides, you were always good with your priorities, so we didn't worry a lot about you growing up. You'll do just fine. I'll leave you alone so you can feed him, okay?"

"Thanks, Mom," I said with a grateful smile.

Nursing Danny was still pretty awkward to me, and it wasn't something I liked doing in front of an audience, even if it was my mom. Dad was probably off to work already, so I wouldn't have to worry about him.

I made myself comfortable, then eased the strap of my dress off my shoulder. I adjusted Danny, and the blanket around him, then held him close as he fed, humming under my breath.

As I watched him, my thoughts were on Joshua.

Maybe... I really should tell him? Was it a mistake to keep it from him for this long?

"Would you like to meet Daddy, a baby?" I whispered.

Danny didn't even open his eyes. I poked his cheek, and he just made an annoyed sound and continued.

I was starting to think that it was time, though. It had already been more than a month since I met Joshua again. In that time, I hadn't seen, or heard of, either his mom or Rachel, and we'd had a good time every time we were together.

He deserved to know that Danny existed, so maybe it was time to tell him that I gave birth to his son.

"Are you done, honey?"

I looked over my shoulder at Mom, who was peering at me from around the wall in the kitchen.

"I'm done. You can come back, now."

She smiled and walked over to sit back beside me as I held Danny to my shoulder to burp him. She'd brought a glass of juice with her, and set it on the table for me.

"So when are you leaving?" she asked.

I hummed and looked around. We had an old clock on the wall, and it took me a few seconds to figure out the time.

"I want to head out soon before it's lunch. But I will be back before tonight. I left some more milk for Danny just in case."

Storing breast milk was a little awkward for me, mostly because of the process. I wasn't interested in using a pump, so I had to do it by hand, and I used a tutorial I'd learned online. At least it worked. I'd been advised by my doctor that it was best to keep Danny breastfed, so I wouldn't be trying formula on him for a while. Besides, it felt uncomfortable sometimes how massive my chest was when I didn't feed Danny, and I'd had to run out on Joshua more than a few times because I was leaking.

It was just one of the things about motherhood you didn't hear about until it was happening to you. Mom gave me tips on how to deal with it, but that just made things more awkward for me.

"Be sure to bring that young man over for dinner sometime," Mom said, as she took Danny from me. "After you finally tell him everything."

She had an eyebrow arched like she was asking a question, and I felt my face warm up.

Crap. She knew I was meeting Joshua.

"I'll think about it, Mom. Promise."

She smiled. "Good. Now, go ahead and don't be late."

"I'll be leaving now. Bye Mom, bye baby."

I pecked a kiss on both their cheeks, then got up to find a jacket and my shoes.

Joshua and I hadn't decided on any meeting today, so there was nothing to be late to, but I was thinking of asking him out to lunch. It was a weekday, which meant he was at the office, and we usually met after work hours for him during the weekdays. But I had nothing to do, and Mom was more than happy to spend time with her grandson.

He had no idea I was going to meet him, either. I planned to go to his office to surprise him.

I could pick the restaurant we go to, I thought to myself. And I could explain everything over lunch.

I had to walk for a bit before I managed to hail a taxi. I was feeling nervous about this. I had always intended to let him know, I just couldn't come up with the when and the how, but that was procrastinating. There would never be a good time to come out with this sort of news.

More than anything, even my fears, he deserved to know, and I wanted him to know.

Hopefully, he wouldn't be so mad at me that he stopped speaking to me.

The entire ride to his office, I kept my eyes on my fidgeting hands in my lap. I kept wording and rewording how I would say it in my mind. Like, 'hey, guess what, I have a baby, and you're a dad,' or, 'remember that time when we were teenagers, and we thought about what our family would be like, well surprise, we're parents.' Not to mention plenty of other stupid variations.

Maybe it would be best to deliver it in stages. Start with; he made a mistake assuming I was a nanny and it was wrong of me to lie. Then go from there.

"Ma'am? We're here."

I looked up and realized the taxi had stopped.

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't realize."

I went through my purse and got out the cash for the ride that I handed over to the driver. Then, I stepped out of the car and stopped in front of Joshua' office building. It was the first time I'd stopped by alone, and I'd only come by one other time with Joshua when he forgot something at the office. I felt intimidated for several different reasons; the building was significant, Joshua would be somewhere close to the top, and there seemed to be a lot of people. We had been by in the evening before, but it was the middle of the day, and people were busy at work.

No one looked at me as I walked inside. Luckily, the lady at the reception desk remembered me from before and allowed me to go up without alerting Joshua.

I remembered the way. I just had to hit the third highest button on the elevator, and the whole of it was his floor. I'd asked before what was in the higher levels, and he'd just told me it was company secrets. I didn't pry after that.

The elevator ride seemed to take no time at all. I took a deep breath as the car came to a stop, and the door opened. I went to step outside, only to look up, and freeze.

"Oh, Alessandra! I didn't expect to see you here!"

Joshua smiled at me, looking surprised but pleased. I would have answered his smile, if not for the woman standing beside him. She was beautiful, with blonde hair tied in an elegant bun, deep blue eyes and a sophisticated skirt suit, in heels that put her an inch shorter than Joshua, she looked just perfect standing beside him.

Rachel.

"I...wanted to surprise you," I admitted after a second, faking a smile. "I wanted to stop by and see you for something speedy, but I didn't expect you to be with Rachel."

Rachel smiled at me and wrapped her hands around Joshua' arm. "Alessandra, how nice to see you again," she said pleasantly. "Joshua told me the two of you were seeing each other again. I'm glad the two of you seemed to have mended your differences."

Her voice might have been polite on the surface, but I didn't miss the tightness around her eyes. To Joshua, it was a beautiful smile, but to me, I saw it as a challenge.

"Oh," I murmured, my voice so low it was practically a whisper. "We're not really..."

I couldn't finish the sentence, and there was an awkward silence between us for a moment.

"Hey," Joshua said, grinning. "We were actually about to head out for lunch. Since you're here, why don't you join us? The two of you used to get along, right?"

I just barely held back from sending Joshua a strange look, because that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. I was the one he'd been dating, but Rachel was the woman his mother wanted him to marry. She never came on strong, but it had been so easy for her to move in between us when we were both living separate lives. We only met a few times, and I knew she carried the same disdain his mom did for me because I came from a simple family with a simple background.

Since when did we ever get along? We were rivals before we even met with each other.

"Joshua," Rachel cut in before I could think of something to say. "Alessandra looks busy, and I think I might have left something in your office. I don't have my purse on me, do you mind if we go back for it?"

He frowned at her. "Why did you leave it behind in the first place? Don't you have somewhere to go afterward?"

Rachel chuckled. "Yes, you're right. It was just careless of me."

Careless my ass.

Joshua looked away from her, and she sent me a disgruntled look. I knew then that it had been deliberate, and I had ruined her plan. She would have used the excuse to have Joshua bring her back to his office after their little date so that she could spend more time with him.

Rachel, after all, was the kind of woman that wore expensive designer brands all over, and what kind of woman would be so careless with such prized possessions?

"Alessandra..."

Joshua looked at me; his expression was hesitant. I realized the smile on my face had dropped, and immediately replaced it.

"It's fine; she's not wrong. I took a break from work because I had something I wanted to tell you, but it's not important."

"Oh," he frowned. "Well, I'll call you later, and you can tell me about it, whether or not it's important. I'll see you later, okay?"

I nodded.

He stepped back from the elevator, and I was a little surprised when the doors automatically started to close. I didn't think much of it, though, as I watched the two of them walk away, Rachel still holding onto Joshua' arm, and he didn't seem to mind. The doors closed, and I sunk into a crouch, feeling my stomach drop. It could have just been the elevator going back down, but that would just be lying to myself.

"f**k," I muttered to myself, burying my face in my hands as I felt tears trickle down my cheeks.

The whole exchange couldn't have taken a minute; I had barely talked to her, barely looked at her. But I felt so damn inadequate, and I wondered what I was doing, what I had even been thinking trying to tell Joshua the truth when it would only cause problems.

Why does Rachel always make me feel this way when she barely does anything?

When the elevator stopped back at the first floor, surprisingly with no one staying it any other level, I had somewhat composed myself, but I kept my head down.

I rushed quickly out of the building, rethinking my decisions of the last little over a month.