Finally Her Turn

Chapter 6: Marissa

I’m back on the playground at my old school. The sandbox, the bright blue swing sets, and three metal slides are there just like I remember. Some of the children are running around, laughing and squealing with delight as others chase them. I can see Aly over by the swings with her usual group of friends, the tall, lanky shadow of hers that she calls her best friend never too far out of reach.

But I’m just standing there, watching from the sidelines like I always do. I want nothing more than to go over and ask if I can play with them, but I’m too nervous. Sometimes, she’s nice to me, but most of the time she just ignores me. I’m afraid that if I approach them, they’ll all laugh at me. I’m not like them and I know it.

Suddenly, I can smell the all-too-familiar scent that turns my stomach as much as it excites me. My dad. He’s here, and I know if I just keep standing around, he’ll find me. I don’t want him to find me. He won’t like seeing me all by myself like this.

I start running, trying to make it to the building without him noticing me. But it seems that no matter how fast I run, I can’t close the distance. It’s still just as far away as when I started.

The panic sets in as I realize that my dad’s going to see me. He’ll see how pathetic I am, what an embarrassment I am to the family name, and he’ll be angry.

‘It’s too late. I’ve already got you,’ he cackles from behind me, and I realize he has a hold on the back of my shirt.

I can’t run away because he’s holding me in place.

He leans down, bringing his face right next to my ear so I can smell the alcohol on his breath, and starts whispering.

‘You know why nobody likes you, Mary? Because you’re a stupid, stuttering, freak! Just go ahead and go on over there to the Alpha’s daughter. Show me what good friends you are. No? Not gonna? Of course you aren’t. She doesn’t want anything to do with someone as disgusting as you. You’re repulsive. Get out of my sight.’

And before I know it, he has me lifted so that my feet no longer touch the ground. The playground disappears as I feel him kick me in the back of my ribs, and then I’m tumbling down, down, down all the stairs to the cold, hard concrete floor at the bottom. I can’t help the scream I let loose, partly from the pain, but mostly from the terror of it.

I never know how bad it will be until I hit the bottom. Will it just be sprains and bruises, or will something be broken by the time I land? Am I going to hit my head again? Will I even be able to go to school tomorrow, or will I have to stay home with my dad so that no one sees the bruises?

“Marissa!” I hear him call out, but his voice sounds wrong. It sounds like a female.

“Wake up. It’s just a nightmare,” he says next.

But wait. That’s not my dad. That’s not him I feel shaking me either. It’s too gentle.

My eyes fly open, my hand shooting out to grab my assailant by the throat. I look her in the startled, frightened bright blue eyes, and reality finally starts to sink in.

I’m not at home, and she’s no threat to me. It’s just Tasha, and I was just dreaming.

“Sorry,” I mutter, quickly releasing my hold on her and sitting up so I can scoot away from her.

“It’s okay,” she tells me, still eyeballing me uncertainly. “It seemed like a hell of a nightmare, so I can’t fault you for waking up in defense mode. Especially since I’m the one that woke you. I think I’ve heard that you’re not supposed to do that.”

“I think that’s for sleepwalking,” I answer her flatly, closing my eyes and trying to get control over my rapid, ragged breathing. This is so embarrassing.

It’s also not surprising, considering the anxious, edgy state I’ve been in all week. And if my sense of time is accurate, today is the worst day of all. We have to go with Aly to some meeting she has with the Elders, and Tasha and I are mandated to go. Devon asked the Alpha about us specifically.

But I suppose it makes sense, considering that we never know if Aly’s possessive mate is suddenly going to freak out and demand she be surrounded by only women again. So, we have to go if for no other reason than to be on call for that. Though I really, really don’t want to be there for this. It sounds like an extremely close-quarters assignment.

“But thanks,” I tell her.

I do appreciate her concern, and especially that she woke me from having to replay all that over and over the way I usually do, but I’m sure none of that comes through in the flat, emotionless tone of my voice. The flatness is necessary though. It’s preferable to whatever emotions would creep in if I let them.

“Yeah, of course. There’s still some time before we have to get up, so I’m going to head back to bed,” she says, looking at me expectantly. “Unless you want me to stay?”

“No, I’m good. Go get some rest.”

I don’t really do the cuddling and talking things out thing, which I’m sure is what she’s hoping for. I also won’t be going back to sleep anytime soon, so there’s no point in her staying if that’s her plan.

After she leaves my room, I drag myself up and to the shower, letting the frigid water wash over me and clear my head of any thought except how cold it is. But it’s apparently not cold enough because it doesn’t work. I’m just unnecessarily uncomfortable, and my mind is racing against my will.

Sighing, I reach over and adjust the temperature of the water so that I can at least enjoy my shower if I’m going to be forced to suffer the mental torment of having too much on my mind. I hate that even though he’s not here, my dad seems to be the star of most of my thoughts. I know it’s because of Aly’s mate though.

And it sucks, because he was the one I actually liked. He’s not obnoxiously cocky and cheerful like the other one. He seems kind and considerate, and if I’m being honest with myself, he’s also ridiculously handsome. There’s something quietly charming about how he keeps his hair long enough that it’s always falling into his eyes, and he seems to like to hide behind it. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen him have to shake his hair away to look at someone, and it seems to add to the intensity of his dark eyes when he does that and then fixes his gaze on you.

And the other night, when he started x-raying my mind or whatever he was doing, it kind of stung a little that it was him invading my privacy like that. I almost felt betrayed by a fellow introvert. He was the one bright part of this assignment other than the hotel, and now I’m terrified to be in the same room with him.

And now because of him, I can’t even enjoy the hotel room anymore, and I can’t enjoy being outside of it either. All I keep thinking about is my dad, and how much that guy might have learned about us. I’m dreading seeing Aly and her mates today because I think I might genuinely lose it if they give me those pitying, sympathetic looks that I loathe.

I don’t need pity, or sympathy. I’m not a charity case. I just need some peace and privacy. I get neither, not ever.

I kind of lost track of what I was doing in the shower. I know I washed my hair at least once, but I did it an extra just to be sure, so it may have ended up being three or four times because I wasn’t paying attention. Everything’s clean now though, and it’s time to get out.

One thing I do hate about this bathroom is all the mirrors. No matter which way I turn, I have to look at myself, and I hate doing that. There’s no part of me that hasn’t been completely ruined for me by the cruel things my dad likes to say to me.

‘You should color your hair and hide that ugly, rusty color. Your mate will reject you on sight if you leave it like that.’

‘Don’t look at me with those hideous eyes of yours. You should show your father more respect than that.’

‘Those freckles make you look like you have a pox or something. Why can’t you be like normal girls and put on a little makeup?’

Or his favorite, ‘You’re such a pathetic excuse for an Alpha. Look how small and shrimpy those muscles are. You’ll never be a warrior.’

And sure, I’m small for an Alpha, but that’s because I’m not one. He seems to be in a perpetual state of denial about that, but simply having an Alpha somewhere back in your family line doesn’t make you one.

The children of an Alpha in power will be born Alpha wolves themselves. One of them will likely become the pack’s next Alpha, and the rest will never have that power running through their veins and reinforcing the innate strength of their bloodline. Those children will go on to have children of their own with slightly noticeable differences from the children of their sibling in power, and from there the bloodlines diverge even further.

By the time an Alpha has great-grandchildren, only one branch of his bloodline is still producing Alpha wolves. The rest are just normal, unranked wolves like anyone else in the pack. It’s how we’ve adapted to living in packs in an age when going off and starting your own new pack is not such an easy feat to accomplish. Alphas tend to have a lot of children, and if all of them went on to continue producing Alphas indefinitely, eventually the pack would turn into a warzone. That’s a lot of ego to contain in one small geographic location.

But my dad has never seen it that way. He can’t seem to accept that his great-grandfather having been an Alpha does not make him one. His grandfather was an Alpha wolf. Even his own mother was an Alpha wolf of sorts, but not him. He also can’t seem to accept that Alpha Kane isn’t really his cousin. We’re distant relatives. That’s it. And no, I’m not as strong as an Alpha, but I’m not meant to be. I’m two generations removed from any Alpha potential.

Even if I was dumb enough to challenge an Alpha for the position, my blood wouldn’t support the power. The pack would forever be weakened by someone like me, and as much as I used to believe my dad that it meant there was something wrong with me, I’m starting to be able to convince myself that it’s him who is wrong. Delusional even. But even so, it doesn’t make it any easier to face my reflection in the mirror.

With another heavy sigh, I finish brushing my teeth and hurry back into the bedroom to get dressed. At least with all this extra time to get ready, I can make myself a nice breakfast and make sure I’m leaving here alert and with a full belly. It doesn’t make me dread the day ahead of me any less, but I’ll take all the advantages I can get.