Finally Her Turn

Chapter 5: Marissa

Though I had originally convinced myself that whatever vision or revelation Aly’s mate had about me didn’t bother me as long as it never got back to Tasha, and that’s still mostly true, it eventually becomes painfully apparent that it bothers me a whole lot more than I realized. I can barely sleep Friday night worrying what he saw and who he told about it, and I’m feeling especially irritable by Saturday morning.

It takes everything in me to keep myself from snapping and growling at Tasha for no good reason, but I manage to keep myself quietly civil. She tries, but she can’t engage me in a conversation to save her life. An occasional grunt is all I have for her, the thought of our early morning meeting with the others constantly on my mind. I don’t know what they’ve heard about me since last night, and I dread how they might look at me now.

Devon calls us all to his room just before it’s time for him to leave for his shift with Aly and her mates. It’s time to go over the schedule for the week, and he talks to the Alpha regularly so he might also have news and announcements for us. I know it’s necessary, but I also know he was there last night. He knows whatever it is people know about me now.

But to my surprise, no one says or does anything out of the ordinary through the entire meeting. As an added bonus, Tasha and I aren’t even on the schedule.

Oh wait. That could mean that whatever he learned has him wanting to send me home. He probably doesn’t even think I can do my job now. Little miss “let me remind you that my dad’s the Alpha and he has trackers so don’t you dare be going AWOL on us” probably got in his head.

Hang back and wait for the others to leave, he mind-links me after he dismisses the meeting and I’m gathering up my stuff to head back to our room.

I freeze in place, a chill traveling up my spine and making me shiver. I can't lose this job, but it feels like I'm about to.

“Everything okay?” Tasha wonders, probably noticing that I suddenly got weird.

“Yeah, Devon just wants to talk to me,” I whisper back.

“Want me to wait for you?”

“No,” I answer, assuming that he wants to do it privately since he went as far as to request me with a mind-link. “Head back to the room and I’ll come when he’s finished with me.”

“Okay,” she tells me sympathetically, squeezing my arm.

She’s already giving me that look I hate, and she doesn’t even know what’s going on. But thankfully, she leaves without further complaint, and it’s only a few seconds more until it’s just Devon and I left.

“It’s nothing bad,” he assures me, holding up his hands. “I just thought you might be worried about what happened last night, so I wanted to tell you that whatever Matt saw, he said it was private and he didn’t tell anyone about it. Aly and Tyler probably know because they’re mates and all, but that’s it. He’s a good guy, and thoughtful, so he’s not going to blab your private business around.”

That is a relief, and I can feel myself automatically exhaling and relaxing slightly as he tells me. But it still doesn’t answer my question.

“Why did you take me off the schedule then?” I decide to just ask him point-blank and cut right to the chase.

“It’s not that you’ve been taken off. It’s more like I wanted to wait before I put you on,” he explains. “Regardless of my certainty that Aly and her mates will keep your private business private, I figure that isn’t going to magically make you feel more comfortable around them, especially knowing that Matt can do that.”

He’s absolutely right about that, and that’s partly what kept me up all night. What if that guy can see something about me every time he looks at me or something? I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I have too many secrets to keep locked away.

“So, I figured I’d ask you which shifts and assignments you want to be placed on. I can keep you strictly peripheral if you’d prefer.”

“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.

“Okay,” he chuckles nervously. “But understand that I have no power to intervene if Aly needs her female guards. I re-read the Alpha’s orders, and you’re obligated to show up whenever she needs female guards and for any assigned shifts, but that’s it. So, I’ll keep your assigned duties light and peripheral, and the rest you’ll have to handle when it comes up.”

“That works for me,” I tell him, feeling both relieved and grateful. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiles, timidly reaching out to pat my arm.

Though we’ve worked together quite a lot, it’s always been very straightforward and professional between us, so affection isn’t really a dynamic we’ve messed with. I appreciate the sentiment, though.

As I’m headed for the door to leave and go back to my room, I turn back at the last second, a question that I feel is important to have answered still lingering in my mind.

“Why?” I ask him, though when I see the confused look he gives in response, I realize he doesn’t know what I mean. “Why are you going out of your way for me like this?”

The part I leave unspoken is how it feels like he’s almost trying to protect me, but he has no reason to. He doesn’t know me or my secrets. He doesn’t even know what he’s protecting me from.

“People’s private lives are exactly that, private. And though I know Matt meant no harm and probably didn’t even mean to invade your privacy like that, he can’t even control it, it still sucks that your reward for showing up and doing your job is to have someone digging into parts of you that you’re obviously not comfortable sharing. It should be your choice, and it stinks that you didn’t get to decide whether three very important people know all about your business or not. The least I can do is try to minimize the risk of that happening again, and make my best effort to keep the work environment as comfortable for you as possible.”

It kind of feels like the part he’s leaving unspoken there is that he knows what it’s like to have secrets and might even be putting himself in my shoes. I don’t know it, but I suspect it just judging by how passionately he delivered that explanation. He’s a pretty serious, neutral guy, and I’ve never seen something get a rise out of him like that.

“Thank you. I appreciate that more than you could ever know because I’m terrible with words, but I am grateful. I was worried, and your thoughtfulness has helped some.”

“Honestly, those were some pretty good words to explain it,” he tells me, smiling reassuringly.

He follows me out of his room, turning and locking the door behind him, and we part ways when I need to turn the corner and head to my room and he needs to go to the elevator to head to work.

Tasha’s waiting for me in the living room when I get back. I can tell she’s trying to play it cool, but she desperately wants to know what just happened. And since her assignments seem to be linked to mine, I suppose she deserves to know.

“He just wanted my input about what sorts of guard duties I’m comfortable with considering what Aly’s mate was doing last night. He said he’ll try to keep me away from them as much as possible to make it more comfortable for me, so I hope you don’t mind that we probably won’t have a lot of assigned shifts this week.”

“As long as it doesn’t cut into our expense budget or pay, I’m completely fine with that,” she tells me agreeably. “That basically turns this job into a vacation for us.”

“Well, as long as we stay nearby and are always ready to go running to Aly when she needs us,” I remind her.

“Yeah, but those assignments are my favorite,” she gushes. “So again, I’m completely fine with that.”

I wish I could somehow tap into her enthusiasm. I vaguely remember wanting to spend today exploring the town, though I seem to have lost that motivation. Honestly, I’m feeling more like spending the day in bed watching movies or something. Despite Devon’s assurances that no one knows my business except for Aly and her mates, it still feels like everywhere outside this hotel is not anywhere I want to be.

Especially not when I have a luxurious queen bed all to myself and can bundle myself up in the coziest bedding I’ve ever experienced. My new plan is to cocoon myself so well and for so long that I might just come out the other side of this assignment as a magnificent butterfly.

It doesn’t take long for my plan to be interrupted by the queen bee herself, sending me perhaps the most infuriating mind-link I’ve ever received.

Marissa, I think we should talk about last night. I also just want you to know that I think there have been a lot of misunderstandings over the years, but I don’t harbor any ill-will toward you and would like it if we could somehow work things out between us. I’ll be home the rest of the day if you’d like to come over.

Misunderstandings? And she has the audacity to tell me that she doesn’t “harbor any ill-will” about me? Of course not. I’ve never done any snotty, stuck-up, bitchy things to her. I’ve never ignored her when all she ever wanted was to talk to me, at least not until I’d endured enough years of being ignored to finally stop caring about getting her attention. I never excluded her from anything or made her feel like absolute dirt who wasn’t worth my time.

But I’m sorry, princess. I’m harboring a whole hell of a lot of ill-will, and the last thing I want is to find out whatever your mate learned about me.

I don’t like her knowing whatever it is she thinks she knows either, but I’m not about to go over there and talk to her about it. She doesn’t get to demand that I face my demons. They’re my demons! I’m not having this talk. Not with her, and not ever.

Not interested, I inform her. And don’t try to pull the ‘Alpha’s orders’ card either. My Alpha’s orders specifically stated that I’m only required to come to your beck and call whenever there’s a situation where you specifically need women. This doesn’t sound like that, and I’m not on the schedule for today.

I know that’s true because Devon just confirmed it. He checked and double checked. I’m in the clear here.

Marissa, I just want to talk. You and me, privately where no one else will hear. We need to clear the air, she tries again.

She’s lucky I have plans for the money from this assignment. Without my dad here costing me an arm and a leg in booze and snacks, I might actually be able to afford my own place when I get back, assuming I can keep my grocery budget under control. I can’t afford to do or say anything that will get me sent home before this is over.

Not interested, I tell her again, and hopefully for the last time. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to play nice with her. Well, maybe not nice, but at least neutral.

And thankfully, that seems to be the last of that conversation. She leaves me alone after that. But unfortunately, the same can’t be said of my intrusive thoughts.

I thought just knowing that Tasha wouldn’t be exposed to my secrets would be enough, but it wasn’t. And then I thought that just knowing that none of the other guards learned anything about me would help, but it doesn’t. Though I appreciate Devon and what he’s done for me, as time drags on, even that doesn’t seem to help.

What it comes down to is that I hate Aly knowing anything about me. She doesn’t deserve it. She had all those opportunities to be my friend when we were younger, and she passed on that. She didn’t want to know me then, and she shouldn’t get to know me now.

But in true Aly fashion, she broke the rules. She forced her way in. She knows something, and she thinks she understands what it means. She thinks she understands me now. Whatever her mate saw has her suddenly forgiving all the years of resentment and antagonism, and not only does it enrage me, but it bothers the hell out of me. I didn’t give her permission to come into my world, and I feel violated.

Try as I might to keep all that from affecting how I behave around the others, I know I’m failing miserably at it. Even Tasha’s been keeping a wide berth, and I caught myself snapping at Devon one morning at breakfast. I hate myself for it, but I hate myself anyway.

I had a good run. My attempt to be someone else and start fresh lasted all of what, a week? But that’s not me. I’m not friendly. I don’t get along with people. This person filled with self-loathing and hatred for the world, that’s the real me. This person who pushes everyone away, yep, you guessed it. Me. Welcome back, self.