All That You Are

Chapter 1-2

“It’s just around that corner.”

Ben fell into step beside him. “I can’t believe how close you are to the beach here. I could see it through the buildings when I was on the bus, trying to find the store.”

“We can go down there after lunch if you want.”

“Don’t you have to go back to work?”

“Are you kidding? It’s not every day my little brother surprises me with a visit. I told him I’m taking the afternoon off.”

Ben’s head snapped around. “You told him? You’re not afraid he’s going to fire you?”

Gage couldn’t stop his smile. “He’s a very understanding boss. He’s not going to fire me. Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get in trouble coming out here?”

“Mom and Dad think I’m camping with Jonah and his family. As long as I’m back by Sunday night, they’ll never know.”

“Does Jonah know he’s your alibi?”

Ben grinned. “You think I’m stupid? If Mom and Dad knew I was here, I’d be kissing any fun I might have for senior year goodbye.”

“The fact that you lied to our parents and essentially ran away from home makes me think you might be a little bit stupid, yeah. What are you doing down here?”

“It’s not running away if you’re going back.” They rounded the corner, and Ben craned his neck to scan up and down the street. “Where’s that sandwich place? My stomach hasn’t shut up all morning.”

Gage didn’t miss the fact that Ben didn’t actually answer his question. His earlier fear that something was wrong intensified. Instead of pressing for an explanation, he led Ben into the tiny shop. There was barely room for three customers to stand there at once, but after Christopher had introduced him to it, he never wanted to eat anywhere else.

Gage ordered the sandwiches without consulting Ben, knowing after years of making Ben’s sandwiches exactly what he did and didn’t like. He noticed his younger brother’s eyes widen as he took out his wallet to pay, flashing the tips he’d made the night before at the Red Fin. There was easily a hundred dollars there in ones and fives and tens. He also bought two Sprites—he preferred Coke now, but he knew Ben would be startled by that.

“We’ll take this down to the beach. It’s pretty quiet there in the middle of the week.”

Ben opened his Sprite as Gage led them out, tilting it to his mouth as he looked around the neighborhood. His eyes never settled on any one thing, though Gage couldn’t blame him for the curiosity. He’d been the same way when he’d first arrived in Los Angeles. And this part of Santa Monica was definitely a world away from what they knew in Salt Lake City.

“Do you live around here, too?” Ben asked.

“No, I live in West Hollywood. I couldn’t afford to live out here. An apartment the size of Grandpa’s basement would run a couple of grand every month.”

Ben whistled. “But you’re doing good, it looks like. I mean, that powder horn you sent me looked like it cost a fortune.”

“Oh, I guess that explains how you found me. And I’m doing well enough to pay the bills. Probably better than Mom and Dad expect.”

“I would never have pegged you for working in an antique store, though. A music store, sure. But I guess you have to take what you can get, huh?”

“Yeah. Christopher, the owner, is a friend of mine, and he’s a pretty good guy. I think he pretty much created a new position for me, but I’m not complaining.”

“So all this is permanent? You’re not coming back.”

Gage swallowed. “No, I’m not. I hope you didn’t come all this way just to talk me into it.”

“Like I could ever talk you into anything anyway.”

“What are you talking about? You used to talk me into trouble all of the time. ‘Mom and Dad won’t get mad if you do it, Gage.’“

“That’s different. That was the truth.” A shadow passed behind his eyes. “Or it used to be, at least.”

“I guess they’re still pretty upset?”

His shrug wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if it hadn’t come with Ben’s gaze fixing on the beach in front of them. “Nobody talks about it.”

Gage couldn’t even admit he was surprised. “That’s how they always deal with things like this. Like if they just don’t talk about it, all the badness will go away. I got tired of living like that, Ben. I got tired of pretending it was normal.” He took a deep breath and focused on his sandwich. “I’m sorry I didn’t…I didn’t really say goodbye.”

“I’m sure you had your reasons.” Though Ben didn’t exactly sound happy about that. “Is it better here? Honestly?”

“It’s so much better here that it doesn’t even compare. I miss you, and I miss Zak and Brett, but otherwise, I don’t really think about Salt Lake at all.” True now, but it would have a bald-faced lie just a month earlier. “Things are really coming together here for me.”

“Even your music?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a regular gig at a bar. I’ve played a few other clubs and met some people. I’m actually opening for somebody next week at the Roxy. Well, I’m opening for the opener, but it’s better than playing somebody’s school dance.”

For all his avowals earlier at being so hungry, Ben had barely touched his sandwich. He kept playing with his Sprite bottle, turning it between his hands then taking a sip, only to repeat it all over again. “There’s clubs in Salt Lake, too. You could probably get more jobs there, even. You’re way better than most of the bands I’ve heard.”

“Ben…I’m sorry I have to be blunt about this, but I will never go back to Salt Lake.”

“But why? It’s a big city. Not LA big, but big enough. And you don’t have to see Mom and Dad if you don’t want to. What’s so special here you won’t even think about it?”

Nothing less than the truth would satisfy Ben’s questions. Gage had never told anybody besides his parents that he was gay, and he supposed if they refused to talk about Gage or why he left, then there was no way Ben could have known. He could live with disappointing his parents, but the thought of disappointing Ben and Zak—the two people who had always looked up to him, always loved him without condition—made him want to vomit. But he was done lying.

“Christopher. He’s what’s so special about LA.”

“Christopher?” Ben’s confusion darkened his eyes, his brows drawn into a frown as he tried to put together the pieces Gage had offered him. “Your boss? But you had friends in Salt Lake who would’ve given you a job. All you ever had to do was ask.”

“Benny, I’m gay. That’s what Mom and Dad won’t talk about. That’s why I left.” Gage sighed and kicked a stone at his feet. “Do you hate me now, too?”

“What? Why would I hate you? Though at least now I get what the big deal is for them.” He nudged Gage’s ankle, getting his attention back. “I don’t hate you. I’m pissed you didn’t tell me before you left, but that’s all.”

“Well, I guess I deserve that. But I just…I couldn’t tell you. It took everything I had to tell them. I am sorry I assumed you’d be as crazy as they are, though.”

Ben’s sudden grin was a reminder of happier times. “Mom and Dad cornered the market on crazy a long time ago. We have to settle for being just weird enough to be interesting.”

Gage returned his grin and pulled him into a quick hug, his arm around Ben’s shoulder. “So, now, it’s your turn to come clean. What are you doing down here? You didn’t come all the way to California to drag me home, did you?”

“Well…” He took his time folding the paper back away from his sandwich, the mood sobering again. “I did. I thought—well, I guess it doesn’t matter. Not after what happened.”

“What did you think?” Gage prompted.

Ben scooped a dollop of mayo that had dripped along the edge onto his thumb and sucked it away. “I thought if you knew about Dad, you’d come home. But I get why you said never.”

Gage frowned. “Knew what about Dad?”

The explanation was slow in coming, Ben’s newfound reluctance stretching the seconds interminably. “He thought he might have an ulcer or a stomach bug or something, so he went into the doctor to get it checked out. Except it wasn’t any of that.” His head ducked, his voice lowering. “It’s cancer. They just got the results on the biopsy last week.”

“Cancer.” The word seemed to fall out of him. His tongue felt heavy, and his heart lurched, but otherwise, it didn’t feel real. “Is it…I mean…how bad is it? What did the doctor’s say?”

“That’s the next step, I guess. They need to do all these tests to see if it’s spread. Mom’s been all over us to add extra prayers, but I did some Googling to see what it might mean. If it’s spread…” When he looked at Gage, his eyes were bleak. The front he’d been presenting was completely gone, leaving only his scared little brother behind. “He doesn’t even seem sick. I mean, he seems like he always does. But the more it’s spread, the worse his odds.”

Gage rubbed his eyes. “Jesus Christ. Fuck.”

Ben sighed. “I can’t believe they didn’t call you.”

Gage wanted to assure him they didn’t have his number, but he hadn’t gotten around to getting a local number. His cell had been the same for the past eighteen months. “Maybe they didn’t want to call me until they had more news.”

“Maybe.” His voice lacked conviction, though. “Mom keeps telling us it’ll be okay. Zak tried putting off his mission, but she and Dad stopped that before he got very far.”

“Where was he sent?” Gage asked dully. “Wait. Why did they even let him go? If Dad’s…if something is really wrong…they’ll just send him home again.”

“Houston, Texas.”

Gage almost laughed. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. Zak was pretty upset about it, too. He even said they were punishing him because they had to send you home.”

“That makes God seem awfully petty.”

“Yeah, I told Zak he was being stupid.” Ben sighed. “As for why they let him go, I don’t know. He’s only been gone for two weeks, and they’re kind of acting like when you left. The house is really quiet.”

“I can’t even imagine that place being quiet.”

“Things aren’t the same with you gone. And it’s not just Dad being sick. Things have been wrong for a while.”

“Just a few more months until you can get out on your own.”

With a shrug, Ben picked up his sandwich and bit into it, letting the conversation lapse as what he’d said sank in. Gage didn’t have much of an appetite for his food, but it was easier to eat than focus on the would-be future if their father’s prognosis turned out as bad as Ben seemed to fear.

“I’m glad you’re happy.” Ben’s quiet statement came with his gaze on the distant horizon, though Gage suspected he wasn’t really seeing the ocean in all its glory. “That helps.”

“Did you fly down? When are you going back?”

“Sunday morning. I had to dip into my savings for the ticket, but I thought it would be worth it.”

“Your college savings? Let me cover the ticket.”

Ben brushed his offer away. “You have bills to pay. I’ll just clock extra hours tutoring this year to make it up. No big deal.”

Gage disagreed. It was a big deal. If he hadn’t been so stubborn about cutting all ties, Ben would have never felt it necessary to spend the money to fly to LA. Not to mention the cost of transportation from the airport. He knew Ben would dig his heels in—the boy had a stubborn streak a mile wide—but he couldn’t stop Gage from at least making the trip worthwhile. The last thing he wanted to do was sit around and feel sorry for himself or obsess over his father’s health. He didn’t think Ben wanted to do that, either.

“I guess we better make the most of our time while you’re here. What do you think? Disneyland?”

“Seriously?” The way Ben brightened at the suggestion made Gage glad he’d thought of it. “Just the two of us?”

Gage would have liked to invite Christopher, but Ben knowing Gage was gay and actually being confronted with the visual evidence were two different things. “Yeah, seriously. We could go there and anywhere else you’d like. I’ve even got a full tank of gas.”

“Can I see you play?”

“At a real gig? I don’t know, I’m playing at a bar this weekend and you’re not twenty-one. But maybe Julio will make an exception for you.”

Ben reacted like it was a yes already, though Gage really wasn’t sure what Julio’s response would be. But seeing him smile was infinitely better than thinking about what had brought him to LA in the first place.