Lost

Of pains and contradictions ☘ Jeremiah

They say time is a healer. And I say it is all f*****g bullshit lies. Time is a manipulator. When the dead is gone we all believe that as time passes we will forget about the person or the pain of being left without them. But the reality is far crueller. Time fools you into thinking that the memories are fading or that the pain is gradually reducing but as it passes you are dying inside day by day.

It is not a healer, it is a slow killer.

Or for me, it was that way.

Three days after the incident with Magenta, I still regretted my drunken act of torturing her. The girl, on the other hand, was intriguing as hell. She saw the danger in my eyes, the destructive nature of my tone and yet unlike the others who tend to cower, she welcomed the pain.

Help for my friends, she said and I had no idea what she was talking about. But she was ready to give herself up without a trace of fear. It was the defeat in her eyes that stopped me, the amount of ache she carried and the tears flowing down were like a splash of cold water that got me thinking about my actions.

I wanted to scare her and all she did was scare me of myself.

As she rushed out of my penthouse, I realised she was a broken girl and she doesn't need to be around an already destroyed soul.

The camera flashes in front of me were blinding and enough to pull me out of my thought process. I present the fans with a much practised and perfected smile as they cheer for me. The reporters were hanging out of the borderline to get a word out of me but my mouth was sealed. The plush carpet underneath me ends as I enter the hall filled with the usual crowd of party goers. The place is more like a lounge than a disco or bar.

There were no young people dancing their asses of groping each other in the darkness of the room but a lightly lit sophisticated area with couches all around and a well-stocked bar with expensive wine.

Ash waved from the farthest corner of the room and I sat down right in front of the stage. It was a premier of some movie and this was only VIP invites. I went and sat down next to Ash, already feeling tired after day's shooting.

"Tomorrow I kept your schedule free." He whispered carefully.

"And why is that?" I muttered in a dull tone rolling my eyes at his information.

"Because-" He stopped as if I should already know the answer.

And I did, it was my sister's second death anniversary and even the idea made me choke and made my heart crush in pain.

"Save it, Ash. I know why. Just leave me alone for the day." I said because I didn't want him to know how I used my pain in the fighting ring.

He nodded and we proceeded to watch the movie.

She will be there tomorrow at the fight and I should not anticipate her visit but for some reason I was. I remembered from last time and yet I couldn't pinpoint little details about her, not that I should be concerned but I was.

Will she run away when she see why I was the Satan in the ring? She has seen me in the ring already and was still around me somehow. What will it take for her to run away or the bigger question was how bigger demons have she seen to stick around someone like me?

"I think this is going to another flop, what do you think?" Ash asked me but I have not seen a single scene.

"I hate daisies," I mumbled to myself but Ash caught it.

"You can't hate everything that reminds you of Charlotte." He said in a reproachful tone.

"I can hate anything I want," I whispered furiously but anger was wasted on Ash.

"Buy some roses then." He advised in a lame attempt at tricking me.

He knew well enough I will buy daisies. It was just the pain I had to go through to look at those flowers without choking up.

Tomorrow is going to be all pains and nightmares.

***

I never thought I will crave morning sun like I did now but not the sun of today. I lay awake on the bed and it was still early in the morning. Today was the day my sister died two years ago. I remember falling asleep at the graveyard. I remember Ash dragging me back home, I remember contemplating ways to die and I remember crushing glass with my hands as I cried myself to sleep just to be woken up by nightmares.

I cringe at the sound of a phone call. But I answer it knowing well enough it was about my deal at the fight club.

"We have two opponents for you, one is an easy win but other might be an issue." The man on other end said.

"Fine," I answer him shortly.

"Be here at six." He stated and I hung up before he could ask more.

My day was free today and I realised that this was a mistake I needed to be busy to keep my mind off stupid things that sounded right in my head.

So I walked down in the parking lot and decided to drive to the area near the casino. I don't know why I did that but from that night I always wondered how Magenta ended up working at a casino. Her life was a mystery, one of a kind I wanted to solve.

Driving around the place I observed things to keep my nerves at peace. While the front of the casino was all glitz and more glam, there was a road that led to the back alley which was sealed by some grills. I am well acquainted with such places being best friends with drugs once in a while.

I kept driving till I reach a park filled with families and playing children, laughing people and sorrow hit my gut. I clenched the steering wheel tighter and allowed myself deep threats. My anger issues were something to be scared off. I literally saw blood when anger surges through me and right now I was angry at Him, God for taking away Charlotte.

I know he decides life and death but he should be fair in it. Why did he leave me behind?

And that is when I notice her outside the park, right in front of my car talking to the man on the hot dog stand. She had a smile on her face but I couldn't see if she meant it because I could just see a side of her. Her attire was like always, tattered, old and not made for her.

Being a star I could not get down the car so I just sat down and noticed how he gave her a not so fresh looking hot dog or how she talked to the girl next to her who was dressed up like Magenta but little on revealing side. I noticed that she didn't pay for the hot dog and give a big smile to the man before leaving and not eating a bite of hot dog while her friend gobbled on.

She started walking and I had the desire to follow her but I restrained from being stupid.

I should not do this.

And maybe even God didn't want that because next thing I received a call from Ash.

"Urgent matter has come up Jeremy, you need to come." He sounded a little stressed so I decided to listen to him for this once.

"What is it?"

"The director is not pleased as to what happened with the last one you worked with," Ash said in refined words.

"That means he is scared I will kill him. So what should I do?" I was not bothered by this s**t, If he wants to through me out he should just do it without the empty threats.

"Talk to him now, he will give the movie to Seth otherwise."

Seth Josen is a bigger d**k head that I am. we used to be friends when we started but then he chose different ways to be successful. And yet deep down I knew he was not as dark as I am.

"I am coming over but just for an hour." I needed to get away from here before I do something stupid so I agreed too quickly which shocked Ash.

But the lies we tell ourselves, it was not an hour long meeting but way over that.

***

Seth was waiting for me when I reached the meeting point. I last saw him at my sister's funeral and now here he was after two years. I have seen him in movies and sometimes at award shows but never had a one on one talk. Guess today was the day he chose to die.

Director was trying to scare me but I was not the one to be messed with.

"Tell me Ben, is Seth replacing me in the movie?" I asked in a hysteric tone that made him wary of me.

"He is just - just here to talk." The stammering encouraged me further.

"Oh, anyway. Ask your wife if she misses me." I saw the horror cross his face at my words.

And just for the dramatics, I shattered the wine bottle in front of us. Seth was scared shitless while the director was pale with fear as well.

"Do we need to talk anymore?" I asked getting up because my work there was done.

"It's about the actress Jeremy." Seth was being curiously nice to me.

"What about her?"

"It's Sapphire." He said and I felt the usual hint of panic in my gut.

Sapphire, Seth's sister and my sister's best friend. I didn't want another reason, alive walking reason to remind me of her.

Seth waited for me to refuse, to back out because we were once friends and he still wanted me to give a chance to not torture myself and I, on the other hand, was all about torturing myself.

"We will work just fine," I said with a sneer masking the fact that this was going to haunt me.

By the time I was done making the worst decision of my life, it was time for the fight.

As the sun bid a habitual adieu to the sky leaving tresses of its light my heart and mind had their usual battle. And my head won again, I was not going to my sister's grave.

I made way to fight club arena all fired up for today. I was angry at Seth, at Ash for setting up the meeting, at Sapphire for being insensitive, at myself for not being brave enough to see my sister in a grave and at Magenta for popping up in my head at the weirdest time.

Today I ready to kill.

I stepped out in my usual velvety robes, mask on with crowd hollering like they always did. I swear I never intended this but it happened anyway as I reach in the ring and faced the crowd my eyes searched for her, Magenta. And when I found her eyes looking back at mine I sneered.

Today she will know one of the few reasons I was worthy of being Satan.

☘ ☘ ☘