Restart

Chapter Twenty-Three

ETHAN'S POV

When I was all out the shower and dressed for bed I noticed the guest bedroom door was shut.. so I knew Sienna had been in there or was still in there. When I reached the front room it was empty. A little part of me was gutted because I wanted to spend some more time catching up with Sienna myself. But I also realised she must be tired.

I decided to put a film on and even grabbed a blanket from my room while the heating really kicked in.

SIENNA'S POV

I woke up around one with a nightmare again. Annoyed and irrated I gave up sleep come two in the morning and I decided to go watch the some TV.

I quietly snuck my way into the front room. Seeing it was all in darkness I figured I'd only need the TV light.

I walked over to the table and see the control on it like it usually is. I picked it up and sat down as I turned the TV on. Only I heard a groan and felt someone move. I jumped up shocked myself as it didn't feel soft underneath me. I quickly turned around and see Ethan looking just as startled. I'd clearly woken him up by sitting on him but I didn't know he was there.

"I'm so sorry" I say going to put the remote down and ready to run from the room. Ethan grabs my hand and says "It's okay" then he gently, but quickly pulls me down and wraps his arm around me as he covers me with the blanket and says "Sleep".

"I'm not tired" I say turning to face Ethan and he says "I'm guessing a nightmare and if I remember correctly you always slept well after them when you would sneak in and cuddle up to me in the states. So just stay still and go back to sleep.. I'm to tired to get up now" then he yawns as he shuffles a little to get comfortable making sure he can cuddle right up to me. I don't know weather to laugh or cry because before in the states none of us knew how each other truly felt about the other. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not now we do know.

After a few minutes debating I whisper "Ethan" then look up to see if he is still awake. Ethan opens his eyes and they meet mine. "I know what your thinking" Ethan says as he starts to play with my hair without breaking eyes contact. Then he continues to say "We are not talking about it, I know your not ready to talk about it. But you should know when you are ready to talk about it then I'm ready to show you how a real man should treat a women he loves. Now stop thinking about it and just see this as if we are unaware of each others feelings and thoughts. Just like in the states and I know your feel better for it in the morning. Trust me" Ethan says then leans down kisses my forehead before bringing me to cuddle back into him.

ETHAN'S POV

I was laid with my eyes closed loving holding Sienna close to me, yet I was waiting to hear her asleep before I fell asleep. A long while had gone by when I hear the faintest whisper "Ethan" its so quite I doubt myself if I actually heard it. But then I realised it was definitely my name being called as Sienna starts to talk every so quietly that I have to listen carefully to hear what she is saying.

"When I was in Scotland, I had alot of time to think. One of my biggest questions I had when thinking about you though took a few walks to solve. It bothered me that I remember it like yesterday how the only person I needed to stop my wedding was to hear you say you wanted me instead. I remember when the vicar asked if anyone had any objections. I looked at all you lads half excepting one of you to object for the fun of it. Yet I really wanted you to. when you didn't I remembered thinking because he only loves you like a sister stupid. Even after I was married I'd have dreams you would rock up and tell me I was wrong. I'd leave my marriage in a heart beat. But all the dreams I once had no longer exist. They died within me as well.

I realised while looking at the mountains that's its not because I don't love you, I do. I just don't love myself anymore. I hate myself but im learning to like myself again. I can't accept anyone else could love me when I can't accept I love myself. And I know your asleep and I will have to explain all this again when your awake. My therapist says I need to try express my feelings more with people. Truth is I also realised I'm literally scared of everything. Everyones reactions which is probably why I get overwhelmed by you all at times. I learnt bad habits. Not intentionally they became survival habits because I always was scared of Clive in the end.

I was scared if he would come home drunk or not everyday. If he was drunk I feared what mood he was in although nine times out of ten it wasn't good. I know you all think i didn't fight back but I swear I tried. I lost count the amount of times I was thrown against a wall with my head whacking against it as he looked over me. Id quickly knee him in the balls to try escape. I'd fight back but he would pin me down somewhere with my wrists held tight that I'd bite his fingers to try prevent bruises on them because of work.

Truth is it didn't matter how much I'd fight he would over power me. Then on the the rare occasion he would come home drunk but in a great mood happier than when he was sober I wouldn't dare do anything to upset him because it was better than the violence or broken ribs. How do you think I got pregnant because it certainly wasn't while he was sober. He knew he had to give it up or I was leaving. But I still tried to believe I could fix him. It wasn't his fault because he lost his parent in a car crash. Its what I do I fix people and look after them. But when I found out I was pregnant I knew I had to get out fix me and save my babys. I booked my flight home. I realised I had something to live for again. Id always wanted to be a mum. instantly I imagined how wonderful it would be. Id bring them up here where we would be safe.

But then that fool had to tell him and I was literally working my last shift out before my flight home. And he found me, he was sober but so mad. He honestly thought I cheated on him. He couldn't even remember s**t from when he was drunk but that day was the worst he had ever been yet he was sober. He nearly killed me physically, he killed my babys and I swear my own soul died for a while. I think it still partly is. One day I may tell you all my story fully but for now your all have to wait until I get over a few fears"

When I know Sienna has finished saying everything she wanted to say I sit us up. Making sure to keep Sienna close to me but not to close so we are looking at each other. Sienna looks like she ready to run away as well as shocked that I'm awake. I gently cup Siennas face as I say "You know I'd never hurt you, I know you know that deep down. But you don't fear me either. There is nothing in this world you could possibly say to ever make me angry with you. The only time I'm likely to lose it around you is if someone is trying to hurt you. You can tell me anything even if I have to fake pretend to be asleep cuddled up to you then so be it. Id wait for you a million life times over until your ready. But I'm sure as hell going to love you enough for the both of us until you learn to love yourself again" I say then I kiss Siennas forehead and she hugs me tightly as if I may disappear any minute.

"Come on, let's go to bed. Clearly your not sleeping well here" I say standing up bringing Sienna with me not breaking off the hug. The blanket falls to the ground and Sienna says "Sorry, I will just stay here and watch some TV so you can sleep" as she leans back slightly but not letting go so she doesn't fall as I start carrying her with me.

"And miss out on great cuddles, I'd rather have you talking my ear off all night than miss out on such a great opportunity" I say heading for my bedroom.. In response I get get Sienna yawning and she lays her head on my shoulder holding her arms around my neck more snuggly.

Once I reach my room I get us into bed and we get comfortable as I pull the quilt over our body's not even breaking the hug. I rub Siennas back and within minutes I hear her breathing change and she is sound asleep. I can't help thinking how it amazes me that she really can just switch off within seconds at time to sleep but other times its takes a while until she can switch her mind off. Like tonight, but the only difference is she told me even though she thought I was asleep she told me all that was running through her head. I think over and over everything Sienna has said trying to think of all the ways I can help Sienna feel better for good. Yeah she has come a long way but I can still see the healing journey has only really just began and she is still pretty fragile mentally.

I lay awake until I hear my alarm go off. As much as I really don't want to get out of bed and leave Sienna here I know I have to. I look at her peacefully sleeping and she looks angelic and beautiful as always. I give Sienna a gentle kiss on the forehead and then slowly escape the bed whilst successfully not waking her up. I take one last look then I leave the room to get ready for my day ahead.

SIENNA'S POV

When I woke up I felt around with my arm for Ethan but I couldn't feel him. I opened my eyes to see it was day light and he wasn't in bed. But I did see a note. I picked it up and started to read it.

Morning beautiful, I hope you got enough sleep.

Yes, I called you beautiful because like I said I have enough love for the both of us for you.

I've had to go to work today. I know, it's rubbish. As always help yourself to anything you need or want. But do me one favour though. When you get up go into the bathroom and look on the mirror.

Have a good day and drop me a message once you are awake.

I get out if bed and head for the bathroom. When I walk in I see a sticky note on the mirror and it says

Say this out loud whilst looking in the mirror

I am a queen

I can't help thinking Ethan has gone a little insane this morning as I look in the mirror and say "I am a queen". I then proceed to get ready for the day before going into the kitchen to make a coffee. I see a note next to a cup

Enjoy your morning coffee. But be sure to know I'd rather be having morning coffee and breakfast with you than being stuck at work.

I make my coffee then take it to living room where I see my phone. I pick it up to see its at seventy-two percent. It will last untill I charge it in the car I think pulling up messages to message Ethan.

Morning, I hope you have a good day at work. I do think you may have lost your mind a little this morning though. I mean I've had to tell myself I'm a queen into a mirror lol.

Within a minute Ethan rings me and I answer the phone.

"Morning, how did you sleep?" Ethan asks.

"Clearly better than you did. Sorry about that" I say

"I slept just fine, so don't you worry about that" Ethan says.

"Hmm, how's work?" I ask getting up to get my stuff ready as I want to head out the second I've finished this coffee.

"I would rather I didn't have to get out of bed this morning. But since I'm at work I may as well make it worth while coming in for" Ethan says.

"I better let you get back to work then so you can make the most of it and escape as soon as possible since you miss your bed so much" I say packing up my bag.

"Its not the bed I miss" Ethan says and I don't know what to say to Ethan.

"Hmm" is all I respond and he chuckles saying "Alright, I should go. People are waiting on me.. but have a good day"

"Okay, speak to you later" I say and Ethan says "Bye, princess" and thats the Ethan I know I think.

"Bye, have a good day as well" I say then I hang up shaking my head. I take all my stuff to the front door before going and finishing my drink.

My first stop of the day was the grave yard. I was amazed by how many little things had been added. Even fresh flowers were left down and I noticed it was my dads hands handwriting. There was even new balloons and little windmills with teddy's layed down. I sat here for a while looking at each item before laying my own flowers and teddy's. Before I left I said "Sleep tight my babys, mummy loves you so much". I couldn't help crying as I walked away. I always cry walking away because I hate I have to leave my babys here.

Next stop was home. Well what is my current home, to see my parents.