Restart

Chapter Six

SIENNA'S POV

"How's this week been Sienna?" My therapist Linda asks.

"Challenging, I've no idea if I'm coming or going. It doesn't matter if I cry or not I even been trying to do what people assume I should be doing. But the pain is just as great as its always been" I say

"What did you do, this week?" Linda asks

"I've been out my room the past four days for at least a hour. faking smiles and even eating a meal with others" I say.

"Thats great to hear, remember even though you may not feel any different yet its still an achievement. Your always very harsh on yourself and forget that you lost all your angel babys and even nearly lost your life. Its okay to not be okay even when you start interacting with others again. Have you told anyone you have been speaking with me these past few months yet?" Linda says.

"No, I know everyone wants to help me. But sometimes its just easier to do things alone. I feel like I need to find my feet and voice again. I need to remember who I am" I say

"And that's okay, How about work have you given that anymore thought?" Linda asks.

"I think i may just fully change career" I say

"Thats also okay if it's what you need. But you know full well your on that list of top surgeons around the world. Give yourself enough time to fully decide on this" Linda says.

"I sometimes think about going to see him so I can give him a peace of my mind you know. But I think I would lose it and beat him for once. Other times I don't think he deserves to be in the same room as me at all though. Its been haunting my dreams this week, what do you think that means" I say.

"I think its natural to feel conflict. Part of you wants to leave him behind in your life whilst part of you has to figure out if confronting him will help your healing process. What does your gut tell you? How do you think your feel with both outcomes?" Linda says as there's a knock on the door..

"Sienna, its Maria can I come in?" I hear Maria says.

"We can continue this next week if you want" Linda says

"That would be great. Usual time?" I say

"Sure thing. Remember what I just said and think on it, we can go over it next week" Linda says

"I will, thankyou. Bye" I say and Linda says "Bye" as I hang up and then go answer the door.

"Hi" I say answering the door.. and Maria looks at me worriedly as if she is debating something.

"I, uh.. is this a bad time?" Maria asks.

"Its okay" I say

"Well, I really hate to do this. But my midwife isn't answering the phone. You know what, I will ring the gp instead. I really shouldn't bother you" Maria says going to walk away

"Stop, tell me. I could save you a trip after all" I say.

"It's just my ankles, there really swollen. I'm not sure if it's a natural amount or not. I don't know it sounds stupid now. But its not like I've done this before and there's so much to worry about. Its okay though, your dad suggested I should just ask you. But I can see it's really stupid compared to what you have to deal with" Maria says.

"Let me have a look. Its not stupid either" I say

"Only if your sure" Maria says looking nervous.

"Yes come in, take a seat on the bed and rest your legs up" I say going to open the curtains for more day light. After all not everyone likes to sit in darkness all the time like I do.

"Who was you talking to?" Maria asks taking a seat on the bed.

"What did you hear?" I ask going to sit on the edge of the bed by marias feet.

"Oh, only you asking same time next week and bye. I didn't mean to listen in, I was simply listening out for you to answer my knocking" Maria says.

"You really want to know or are you just trying to change the topic as a distraction technique?" I ask looking at Marias feet and ankles..

"Trying to distract you if I'm honest and maybe hide my shame for coming to you like this" Maria says.

"Well its probably the worse question to ask me if your trying make me not think about your pregnancy or even my own babys. Actually she keeps asking when I'm going to tell my family. Maybe I should maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. But anyway back to where I started off with, you don't have to try distract me, this baby is coming soon and I will yes be sad, but I will also be very happy for you and Sid. I will also be happy to be a aunty as well. I may cry, it will likely be sad and happy tears though" I say

"I know, I don't want to exclude you ever your gonna be a great aunty. I just feel like you wouldn't say if it got overwhelming for you and I don't want to push the pregnancy in your face either" Maria says

"Well, don't worry about that and as for the swollen legs there completely natural for this stage of pregnancy. Rest them up as much as possible and have that brother of mine give you plenty of foot rubs" I say

"Thankyou, I really appreciate it. I couldn't ask for a better sister inlaw at all" Maria says.

"It's nothing, you can stay relax here for a while if you want. I'm going to get a drink. You want one?" I ask standing up.

"No, its okay. I will come down with you" Maria says going to get up but I help her get to her feet.

"When you decide to tell us about whatever the phone call is about, you know we will all be ready and waiting for you. I won't say anything to anyone. Take your time" Maria says as we head out my room.

"Thanks. But first off I want to ask you something" I say

"Whats that?" Maria asks.

"I have to go back to America at some point, not for good but to sell up things and fully shut down the life I had there. I don't know when will be a good time though. I don't know weather to go now and hopefully be back for when the baby comes. Or go afterwards, but I don't want you thinking I'm avoiding you or the baby. Also I don't know if your planning a Christian or anything which would be a important time as well to be here. What I'm trying to say is I have to go back myself and do this. I feel I have to as part of the healing and closer process, but I also don't want to let the family down with the baby due" I say.

"I understand, We wouldn't have a Christian without his God mother there so don't worry about that.. as for the rest I won't take anything personally.. If you need closure it will help you more and your be happier which is what I want the most. For this little one to know his aunty is happy and okay" Maria says.

"Okay, I will give it some more thought and let you know" I say as we reach the bottom of the stairs".

"Everything okay?" I hear my dad shout out

"Its all perfect, you were right Sienna was happy to help" Maria shouts back.

"Go rest" I say and with that I plaster on my smile for Maria before going to make myself a drink.

But once I got into the kitchen I decided I actually wanted to go out for a drive. maybe go get a drink out and about. So I turned round and walked into the front room.

"You okay?" My dad says looking up from the TV.

"Yeah, can I borrow your car?" I ask

"Where are you going?" My mum asks standing up.

"Mum, please sit down. I know your all worried but I assure you I only want to go for a little drive. Maybe go grab a drink and find somewhere with a nice sceneries to sit down and drink my drink. Unless its to people'ly out then I will likely come back sooner. I'm twenty nine years old, in the world top best surgeons list. I'm sure I will be fine. It would be nice to go out without feeling like a child having to be baby sat" I say

"She is right, at some point we need to have faith our girl has this. Yes she is still hurting but that will never change. It will get better, I time and part of that is letting Sienna do this how she needs to do it. I trust she will come to us when she needs us and I also trust she knows we will forever be here for her" My dad says getting his car keys out of his pocket and I walk over and give my dad a kiss on the cheek as I say "Thankyou dad".

"I know, its just hard to see your child suffering" My mum says

"I can't say i fully understand it but I've had a good insight from work at least" I say going over to hug my mum.

"I know, I will keep my phone next to me just incase. Take the time you need" my mum says hugging me extra tight before letting go.

ETHAN'S POV

To Sid

I've got a awful headache. Gone home early can you ring me at 5 so I can make my way over please.

With that I changed into my pj's trousers and climbed into bed to sleep this headache away. But no matter how bad this headache is when I wake up I'm going for dinner like always. I will be there with everyone for Sienna I think as I yawn getting comfortable in bed.

..............................

I jump up to the sound of loud heavy metal or rock music. Nearly fall of the bed from shock being woken up in such a way. "The f**k is that?" I mutter to myself realising that the music is coming from the front room.. I quickly head to the front room to Investigate what's going on and no sooner I reach the landing next to the living room I can hear what sounds like a women's soul piercing scream that I run into the the living only to see Sienna stood there as she finishes screaming head tilted back as if looking towards the ceiling. Eyes closed taking a few deep breaths. I was about to ask if she was okay only she started screaming again as if she was pouring so much emotions into it, that I opted to go put the kettle on instead and get ready to take more pain killers whilst also taking a mental note to buy ear plugs.

whilst awaiting making us drinks i debated ringing Sid so he could suffer the noise like me but then I realised I'd left my phone in my room and I really couldn't be bothered to run and get it. I was also debating whether Sienna had finished her screaming session as I could only hear music again until I heard her start to scream again. I hope the people in my street are not home, otherwise they may think I'm murdering someone I think as I finish making the drinks.

I sat on the work top awaiting for Sienna to be done with her screaming match, which surprisingly didn't take long as no more screaming was taking place and the music had stopped as well now. So I hopped off down from the side and decided to go take a peek to make sure she was okay.

I snuck to the door and slowly tilted my head only past the door frame to look into my own front room. I saw Sienna sat on the floor on with her eyes still closed taking in deep breaths and as if she must of sensed me she opened her eyes and jumped in surprise before placing a hand to her chest saying "Jesus christ Ethan you scared the life out of me".

I walked into the front room and said "I could say the same about you, but I'm sorry I didn't plan to scare you just wanted to make sure your okay".

I then held out a hand to help Sienna get up from the floor. She looked up at me our eyes locked onto each others with questions swirling around in them.

As Sienna stood up she said "I, uh didn't think you would be home and used the spare key. I'm sorry"

Sienna then looked away as if she had been a naughty child caught out.

"It's fine, you used the key Excaulty how I expected you to use it. How come your out alone anyway? Or do we have guests outside I also need to make a cuppa for?" I ask.

"No, it's only me. I borrowed my dads car wanting some time alone.. only whilst driving around endlessly no where, all I could think about was how many times I wanted to be alone so I could just scream. That's when I remembered I still had your door key and I assumed you would be at work. How come your home anyway?" Sienna says.

"Well you assumed right, only I had a horrid headache so came home to sleep it off" I say.

Sienna goes wide eyed whilst looking at me intently as she says "Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. I should of checked and not assumed. did I make your headache worse? you should of told me to shut up and go" I cut Sienna off by pulling her in for a hug as I say "Don't be silly, plus I must of managed to sleep enough since my head doesn't hurt now anyway".

"Let me look!" Sienna says looking up at my face as she uses a hand to reach and check my forehead with the back of her hand..

"Hmm, no temp. You do look a little pale though. Are you sure it has gone?"

I cant help smiling as I say "Once a doctor always a doctor even when not at work.. yes I'm sure I'm fine. I made us drinks. Come on let's go drink them and I will then go get ready for dinner at yours". with that I let Sienna go and start heading for the kitchen.

"I wish we could go back" I hear Sienna says as and I stop in my tracks to turn and look at Sienna, I see she is looking at the photo on the side table next to the sofa. Its of all of us younger completely covered in Silly string. The original plan was to get our family's since we were on our way to a family event day they had planned. Only a silly string fight broke out beforehand where we all turned on each other. I can't help smiling myself at the memory.

"Who says we can't go back? We can do it all again!" I say and Sienna looks at me like I'm crazy.

"I wish, but I mean in general. I use to be so happy" Sienna says picking the picture up and looking at it like its from a enougher life time ago longing for them days to come back.

"There come back, we have all had hard times in life but the fun always returns" I say

yet Sienna doesn't say anything as she puts the picture down looks up at me and put on her pretending smile that we all keep seeing lately. Yet her eyes tell a different story, there full of sadness and sorrow.

Sienna then starts to walk towards me and says "Okay, let's get the drinks".